Am I controlling for trying to reduce our spending

Rather than just doing a spreadsheet of what you think the budget should be did you sit together and go through what you are actually spending on things at the moment?

I did this with myself and scared myself how much I was spending and how little I had left each month

i then took a decision to be mean with myself and check out what I’m spending on stuff. Doesn’t always stop me spending but makes me think twice

doing this together should make it feel less controlling

Are you the OP? You seem to be using a different name

Your partner should be working to use her tax free allowance at the very least.

I’m intrigued by this - why would you have to be down to nothing before tracking weekly?

Yanbu

Me and my dh earn similar (ie double the income)
But our childcare is astounding. (Circa £5k)

We spend less than 2k on what you describe ie. Food and sundries (coffee, soft play, a new spatula, stuff for the kids)
Dietary requirements push up our food bill slightly too.

We are having a discussion about how to reduce it in 26.

£800 for food and £800 discretionary is ample.

You’re not unreasonable at those levels - that is a perfectly sensible limit to work to given your earnings and substantial important outgoings.

What do you count as day to day spending? I used to try and keep our credit card to £1500 for the month - everything that I would class as day to day ie not bills or car payments - but with the price of everything increasing, I struggle to keep it under £2.5k. We have had some big repairs lately though so that does get included. I wouldn’t say you are being controlling either. It’s all on you and it would be a good idea to have the savings that you are wanting to maintain.

Are you suggesting that a household where one earns £150k and the other chooses not to work should look to see if they can apply for benefits?

2.5k pcm is ott and it seems like your partner needs to learn and appreciate the value of money.
Day to day coffees and lunches etc should be the exception rather than the norm.
She also needs to look for work and start contributing to the pot

Where do you (and she) think you can make savings? Or does your wife think 1) everything she is spending is essential 2) that you have ‘plenty’ of money so she doesn’t need to budget?

We have a similar household income minus school fees and with a smaller mortgage and although we are lucky to have nice holidays and not ‘worry’ about money we certainly don’t feel flush. With the amount of savings you are managing I think you are doing well given your outgoings. That said we are overpaying the mortgage as we would like to retire at some point and can imagine you feel the same (your wife doesn’t have that incentive.)

Teenagers get even more expensive - 4xphones, haircuts, sets of adults clothes, meals out. It really would help if you wife had an income to help with some of the costs.

People throw the word controlling around quite often simply because they don’t want to do the thing that’s suggested.

I can’t think of one reason (beyond ill health obvs but that doesn’t appear to be the case here) why if she wants more money, that she shouldn’t work to help provide it.

There may be more to it if course and we are only hearing your side, but on face value she sounds spoilt and completely out of touch

Everyone should be aware of how much we spend.
I now have a total list of direct debits and the amounts printed out.
The bank statement printed out.
The total amount spent on food per month printed out.
My aim is to reduce this and compare with next month.
It's not controlling , it's being mindful , there are so many offers in the supermarkets and lots of recipes online and it's the whole family's responsibility to be aware.
I don't even buy anything for the home now unless it's truly necessary.
Alot of stuff is a complete waste of money.
Cheap tat and completely understand necessary.
I like a very clean , tidy and minimalist home and to be able to prepare for retirement.
Part time job seems like a very good idea to help with this.

No. I had to get my ex husband to rein it in spending. He called me controlling for making us live from a budget. We would be in debt and important bills unpaid if he was in charge. When I left he has since landed himself in serious debt and issues with things unpaid that cause him problems like rent and tax. If you can see issues financially I don’t see the issue bringing it up. Involve her though with the decision making. She’s probably not as bad as my ex husband though who would have taken money out of the account and spent it that was for bills. If one is better with money than the other work on your strengths.

You need to be on the same page with money and it sounds like you are not. It would annoy me no end of someone who wasn’t working was splashing cash that meant I had to work more

unless you are making her feed a family of 5 for £40 in which case that would be rather odd

sometimes these things can’t be resolved

Not controlling, unless you make financial decesions unilaterally.

Use a budget planner, and go through all your expenses together. Factor in ‘fun’ money and agree a budget together.

If the 150k is before tax then I imagine you’re in debt.

Salary Calculator gives you a monthly net of £7.6K with no pension

£4K for mortgage & school fees

Then there is the cost of running the house, provision for car replacement/house repairs/utilities

I can see that while you have a generous budget for day to day expenses it doesnt necessarily run to being a Lady who Lunches

Have you looked at getting DLA for your disabled child and then Carers Allowance for your wife?

I can understand a feeling of 'look you are just not engaging with this conversation'

Can’t vote without having more details about where the money is going and what is actually budgeted for. You mention food - do you do the supermarket shop and understand how much prices have increased? Coffee - it’s not unreasonable for her to buy a coffee occasionally, whereas if she’s buying multiple in a week then it’s certainly okay to ask her to cut back. Overall you don’t say what you’re including in “day to day spending” - is it everything except the mortgage and the school fees, which you have mentioned separately? If so £1.5k is probably not a high budget for someone who is a high earner.

But, I would say that because she doesn’t work, she probably doesn’t have an understanding of the value of money. Anyone earning their own money probably thinks twice before spending to excess, because they know how hard they have worked to earn that money. It’s much easier to spend someone else’s earnings.

In fact that doesn’t add up at all. Your income must be what, £7,500?

£4k gone straight away on mortgage and school fees. You say you’ve been spending another £3k day to day, so where do all the pension and isa contributions come from never mind all other household bills like fuel, cars, council tax, electricity etc? Are you falling into debt?

Those outgoings sound actually quite tight on one £150k salary (paying way more tax than that as a combined income between two). I wouldn’t sleep at night if I that was my household, relying on one job to fund a massive mortgage and private school fees. Is your job secure? What would happen if you got ill or made redundant?

At the age your children are and the outgoings you have, I am astounded that your wife doesn’t work. She should thank her lucky stars you’re just asking her to be a bit sensible. YA absolutely NBU.