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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to leave DP… is this abuse?

62 replies

TK220440 · 21/12/2025 15:01

I am in turmoil at the moment… I have been with DP for 5 years and have a 1 year old DD.
I was always aware that DP had anger issues, but during pregnancy and since having DD these have escalated (or this might be my perception as I much more aware of anger around our DD).

In a nutshell, DP has spat at me after arguments when he has been drinking/driving excessively, called me a slag and a slut when angry or intoxicated, but has then cried and said it is my reaction when I ‘push his buttons’ or ‘prod and poke’. I don’t intentionally do this, but I do let him know when he is doing things that’s upset me such as coming back hours later than planned, not answering the phone, or lazing around. He does sometimes cook/clean and take care of DD but it isn’t consistent. He also brings up very personal childhood matters to use against me (leaving home at early age, the death of my father).

I asked him to leave 4 months ago as I need to preserve my DD peace (although remained in a relationship)…. I have in the last 4 months become cold, numb and in his view ‘unloving’ towards him.. which I would agree with. This has become more prominent since I started having coffee with a male friend of several years, and undoubtedly developed feelings for. DP has since made little effort to improve, and cries with frustration, anger but claims to be lovely and fighting for his family. He is desperate to be back in the home, however I haven’t allowed him as the relationship is still volatile from his side. He accuses me of ‘dangling a carrot’ and ‘messing him about’.

He has spoken about paying for relationship counselling (but then demanded I paid half or he wouldn’t attend), and hasn’t moved forward with seeking anger management or help with alcohol, besides saying he is a ‘changed man’.

Due to my feelings for another man (which I can’t and could never discuss with him), I question whether I am being unreasonable to not let him back in the home, or whether I am the person in the wrong and intentionally trying to push him away by being cold, which is then heightening the name calling and shouting on his part.

The home is my home/mortgage and other than staying at his parents, he doesn’t have anywhere to live and it would be incredibly difficult to find somewhere. He also stopped contributing to bills, as expected, since he left in August. I have so many mixed emotions when he is having a day where he is loving towards me.. emotions of guilt, a new chapter on the horizon, taking DD away from him by not allowing him to be here etc.

Am I causing this, has the friendship with the other man in which I have developed made me cold towards my DP? I feel I wanted (and to a certain extend I still do) to save this family. DP rarely takes accountability unless he is having a teary emotional moment, and this usually happens when he has treated me badly on the phone or when visiting our DD and witnesses me cry or scream with anxiety.

This has left me wondering if I have destroyed the family, and I feel guilty and to blame, even though the abusive behaviour has not come from me. I am selling the house to move closer to my parents, and he is adamant he’d like to move with us, but I have no actions of him changing, just words. He says he needs to live in the home to show me he is changing… I feel I need an opinion on what on earth to do next and thank you for listening/reading….

OP posts:
Venturini · 21/12/2025 17:05

He spat at you. That is assault.

Throw him out, and keep the other man at arms length, the last thing you need right now is some other wanker worming his way into your life when you are at your most vulnerable (yes there are men out there who prey on women in this way, be on your guard).

Focus on yourself and your child and do the Freedom program.

Needlenardlenoo · 21/12/2025 16:55

Argh! Do NOT move back in with this man. More red flags than a Communist parade.

stichguru · 21/12/2025 16:52

He is abusing you pure and simple. You don't spit at people if you are older than 2 unless you are abusing them. I would end it properly before you see anyone else though, if anything because I would be worried about his reaction if he's under the impression you are cheating on him.

TessSaysYes · 21/12/2025 16:47

I don't know why you are bringing the other man into it.
Your decision to ask your abusive ex partner to live is right. Don't let him back. Change the locks and get a ring camera as a precaution.
Am tell him clearly you are finished with him. He's fine staying at his parents.

beAsensible1 · 21/12/2025 16:40

You don’t need to be dating anyone new just yet. I just think you’d do well to focus on yourself and Dd for a bit and building a life

beAsensible1 · 21/12/2025 16:38

Don’t let him back in. End it definitively and move on

Okiedokie123 · 21/12/2025 16:38

I didnt read your whole post - by the middle of your second paragraph I had concluded that yes this is abuse. Please dont stick around and allow him to continue behaving like this.

JLou08 · 21/12/2025 16:32

Yes, he is abusive.
You are also dangling a carrot.
You need to end the relationship.

InterestedDad37 · 21/12/2025 16:29

Give him the shove, he's not going to change. And take your time with relationships. Don't rush into another. Take your time to steady yourself.

Anyahyacinth · 21/12/2025 16:28

Abusers have times when they are grooming you to accept their abuse so don’t be confused by his happier times…the part you have to believe is the abuse, the spitting, name calling etc…that is who they are …accepting the cruelty even if it’s 5% of the time ..feeds the abuse to free it to grow more and more frequent.

loganrock · 21/12/2025 16:25

What is best for your daughter? Be guided by that. That should make everything clear.

Bringemout · 21/12/2025 16:04

Ask yourself if you would do even half of what he has done to you? Would you sorts on him and call him all sorts of names? The only one who should feel guilt is him.

Also for the love of god be by yourself for a bit, the worst thing you can do is to walk into another relationship. Give your DD some stability. Thats your priority right now.

AwfullyGood · 21/12/2025 16:02

He's abusing you.

If you stay, you are contributing to abuse of your child.

Why would you feel guilty leaving a relationship to give yourself and your DD a better, abuse free life?

Meadowfinch · 21/12/2025 15:59

Any man who spat at me would never ever be allowed across my doorstep again.

Stay as far away from him as you can OP. He's unbalanced and dangerous. Make it clear that the relationship is over permanently, and you need to agree how to co-parent effectively moving forward.

Document all abuse, and only do handovers in public places, not your home.

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 21/12/2025 15:58

Definitely move closer to your parents with daughter. Leave him behind. Living in peace will be so much better for you.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 21/12/2025 15:58

I’m struggling to vote as it is so abundantly clear that he is abusive and not safe to be around. Please stop attempting to have a relationship with a man who is not fit for it.

However, don’t get involved with the other man. You seriously need to stabilise yourself and educate yourself on abuse. If he’s actually worth having, he’ll wait.

Itiswhysofew · 21/12/2025 15:50

He's abusive with no intention of changing. He's trying to hang on to a relationship that now doesn't exist.

You can leave for any reason, but definitely for your own & DDs safety.

Starting a relationship with someone else may not be the way forward when you're vulnerable, and especially not for DD. Hope you dont mind me saying.

OrangeITellYou · 21/12/2025 15:43

I what you wrote about not having your daughter watching him treat you this way shows you at a fantastic strong mum. Leave him, he can sort his own life not you and be happy. With the new man or not, just not with your abusive ex.

skyeisthelimit · 21/12/2025 15:43

Yes it's abuse, but also, aside from that, you have feelings for another man and no feelings for DP.

You need to end the relationship with DP, it isn't fair to mess him around, it's not helping the situation, so end it and be on your own for a while before you rush into something else with new man.

tothelefttotheleft · 21/12/2025 15:40

@TK220440

I would caution you against getting involved with another man so quickly.

You need time to untangle what has happened to you.

If you get involved with another man straight away your ex will also control the narrative and paint you as a cheat.

Devon1987 · 21/12/2025 15:27

He spat at you. He is an animal and he needs to leave. He is abusive and it will only get worse, you need to protect your child. Seeing this behaviour will damage her.

Gowlett · 21/12/2025 15:26

You have given so much. No need to feel guilty.
My DH cries too, after the anger. It’s just a ploy…

Gowlett · 21/12/2025 15:23

Don’t let him back. No relationship counselling needed.
Just counselling for him. He is the problem person here.

Clarabell77 · 21/12/2025 15:20

Yes it’s abuse and you should just fully end the relationship. He won’t change and even if he did I think the damage is done now.

He’s responsible for putting a roof over his head, not you.

Not sure bringing another man into the equation is a good idea either.

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/12/2025 15:20

Jeezo op. You lost me at ‘spat at me’, FFS why are you anywhere near this abusive POS? Do not allow him back. Finish it properly once and for all, and focus on co-parenting and nothing more. Where he lives is not your problem. His bad childhood is not your problem. Don’t be manipulated by this vile man.