To want to leave DP… is this abuse?

Obviously he’s abusive. Good if he’s forced to live with his parents so hopefully they’ll supervise when he has contact with your dd. I don’t think someone with his issues should have her alone.

He's a hateful man and a bad father and husband. by all means leave him.

However you would be being very unreasonable to take up with this new guy at this point. For one thing your view of him will be clouded by the comparison to your horrible husband, and you won't be assessing him fairly - better is not the same as good enough.

For another, however shit your husband is he is your daughter's father and this is her family unit - its breakdown will be traumatic for her - especially as her father is obviously a dickhead who will not prioritise her feelings or wellbeing - so your attention should be 100% on her and helping her adjust, not on some new bloke.

Give it six months, get your situation settled and a regular custody and contact schedule in place, and then maybe start thinking about dating (keeping that side of your life entirely separate from your daughter).

This. You need strong boundaries not counselling. He needs therapy. Keep him away from you and your house and your child.

I've been where you are and you are 100% doing the right thing in leaving him.

I understand the guilt, it really difficult, and almost impossible to understand if you've not experienced it, but you honestly have nothing to feel guilty about, please believe me.

Leave feelings for another man out if the equation. What are you left with? The partner is/ was still abusive. You've done the right thing ending it and getting him out. Don't let him back. He'll know he can wear you down and it will be harder to get rid of him again.

He's abusive, yes. He spits at you and swears/name calls. He does it after HE behaves badly in order to punish you for calling him out. He pretends he is sorry because he has to show a bit of niceness to reel you back in, but it's all self serving crocodile tears.

Let him stay gone. He can find himself a new home. He can have access to his child like millions of other separated people. None of that is your problem to sort. That would still be the case if it was a mutual break up with no abuse.

You're in a vulnerable position and confused. Please try and forget about the other man. It's really not a good idea at this point in time.

I agree.
Imagine being so confused that you feel bad for a man this spits at you and a child witnessing it.
Better to self report to social services.

I was in a similar situation to you and it took 5 years for me to be brave enough to leave. Don’t be like me. Don’t put your child through that. Pack his bags and send him on his way.

Tell him that you have given the situation a great deal of thought, and decided that the relationship is over. Tell him that as far as you're concerned the way he has treated you in the past has damaged the love that you once felt for him irreparably, and however much he may be trying to change, it is too late, the damage has been done, and it cannot be undone.

I don’t get even the slightest impression the Op would ever do this. Instead too busy feeling guilty about putting him out, rather than the impact on her child

Tell him that you have given the situation a great deal of thought, and decided that the relationship is over. Tell him that as far as you're concerned the way he has treated you in the past has damaged the love that you once felt for him irreparably, and however much he may be trying to change, it is too late, the damage has been done, and it cannot be undone.

You say you left home at a young age OP, have you always been looking for someone/anyone to look after you? Think about this. Have you jumped into relationships too quickly, rather than facing life alone? If this is the case, it's all the more reason to end this relationship, as you need to prove to yourself that you are capable of looking after not only yourself, but also your child. Forget the other man for now. He is not the issue.

Put a stop to your partner coming round, so that he doesn't have an opportunity to be loving towards you, as this is just confusing the issue.

End this relationship once and for all, sell the house, and move to somewhere where you have good life prospects and support. Live on your own for at least 12 months, to prove to yourself that you are capable of doing so.

Then, and only then, will you be ready to consider another relationship, but whatever you do, don't leap straight in, take your time, and if you'd like more children, wait to get pregnant again until you feel that you really know the man that you chose to father your next child, inside out.

You have been abused, and he is only being loving toward you now, as he wants back in, so that he has the security of a roof over his head. His parents probably won't put up with his laziness, and his attitude, so he is trying to worm his way back into your home, and if you let him, he will start to relax and the abuse and throwing his weight about will begin again.

DO NOT LET HIM DO THIS!

For your sake and that of your child.

First off, much of the behaviour you describe from your partner is abusive, yes.

But I want to address this:
Due to my feelings for another man (which I can’t and could never discuss with him), I question whether I am being unreasonable to not let him back in the home, or whether I am the person in the wrong and intentionally trying to push him away by being cold, which is then heightening the name calling and shouting on his part.

Feeling guilty for developing feelings for someone else doesn't mean you are the problem and so should get back your P. Your P was abusive before this. But even if he wasn't abusive, trying to patch things up when you are drawn elsewhere romantically would be a disaster for both of you. You can't have a good relationship with someone when you are in it because you feel guilty.

Abuse is highly likely to start during pregnancy so your thought process is right. You cant fix him and you and your dd deserve a safe home environment without walking on egg shells.

He has spat at you and called you horrendous names and blamed you for provoking him. Yes, this is abuse.

Well done for getting him out of your house. You should make sure it stays this way.

"He spat at me" is enough justification for you to leave this abusive tosser.

Don't let him back in your house. His living arrangements are not your problem and he will have to go back to his parents.

Preserve your sanity and peace if not for your sake then for your DD's sake.

Channel the guilt and anxiety you have towards the impact of you staying with this truly horrific man upon your entirely innocent child.

Yes abuse. End the relationship.

This is an extremely high risk time for you when you end it but it is absolutely necessary for your long term well being.

I agree with others don’t leap into another relationship. You currently have poor boundaries, this experience has probably eroded them for you which means that at the moment you are in a place where you put up with way too much to be ready for another relationship.

It doesn't have to be abuse for you to decide it's over. You don't have to call it anything but unacceptable to you.

For what it's worth, I think it is. In order for me to leave, I had to find my own anger and decide it's not what I wanted. It took me many years out of it (many much happier years) to see what it is.

Yes, it’s abuse. He’s destroyed the family. End it and put this man on child support.

Your poor child.
You knowingly had a child with an angry man.
A father that spits at and abuses her mother.
What an utterly toxic home.
Sell your house and move away.
Do not go from a toxic relationship into another one.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
Do notvallow him near your home and tell him to go to court to get access to your child.
Womens aid can support you.
Ring 101 and ask for advice about hus assault of you.
Spitting is an assault of you.

This is abuse and you should leave him

He’s spat at you???

That’s assault. You need to leave him.

Yes it's abuse, no you mustn't let him come back. He's an idiot for giving up a council house but that's on him. He is a grown man and can make his own way in the world.

The greatest gift you can give your daughter is to keep this man out of your home. Please don’t let her grow up thinking being treated this way is normal.

The first time he spat at you was when you should have kicked him out. You are quite rightly protecting yourself and your child. He will have to stay at his parents. Don't let him back. He hasn't changed and he won't.

Of course its abuse. He has spat at you FFS. That should be an automatic red line.

Do not let him move in again. End the relationship.

And don’t start with the new guy until you have had some therapy and a decent amount of time on your own. The last thing you and your child need is to bring another bloke into the house.

You seriously need to work on your self esteem OP.

And that you have no responsibility for his actions. Only your own and protecting your daughter.

the guilt you are feeling is a YOU issue. You are allowing yourself to feel that way. You should be angry. All he has done to you, and no contributions for your child since he left.

why arent you angry OP? And what kind of role model do you want to be for your daughter? Someone who drowns in misguided guilt or someone or stands up to make a better life.

These are your choices OP. Not his. Your decisions keep you here or enable you to leave.