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AIBU?

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Exacting friend and christmas gift

85 replies

imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 07:46

I've got a friend who I've been friends with for 20 years. As we have aged, she has become more difficult. I put it down to menopause for a bit, but it's now stuck and she's a very spiky character.
We are in a group of 4 who regularly meet up. Our whole friendship she has loved the shop The White Company. She likes the candles especially the Christmas one but they are very expensive. This year I've saved and I've bought her it. So far so good. Apart from her latest rant when we went for our Christmas brunch was people who buy you Christmas stuff for Christmas, ie her sister in law the year before had bought her these Christmas cushions from Next (they were lovely and v expensive) she went on and on about how inconsiderate and stupid it was. When I said I quite liked it as I don't really have the money to buy fancy Christmas bits for myself so they are a treat, also you enjoy them until new year, pack them away and have a nice surprise for next year too, she was really horrible about it. Nothing to discuss really but just ahhh she's being an ungrateful cow and now I wish I hadn't wasted my money.

OP posts:
Gridhopper · 21/12/2025 08:03

It’s not the point I know but if it’s the winter or fir tree candle I wouldn’t consider those to be Christmas only items! Lovely present.

Wider issue is maybe not whether she deserves a gift but if you want her in your life any more. But I guess this year if you’re exchanging gifts as usual I’d just give it her and worry about the rest next year

TheTowerAtMidnight · 21/12/2025 08:01

Invent some reason to go round to her house and steal it back from under the tree, so you can keep it or give it to a nice person! It's up to you whether you want to replace it with a large lump of coal wrapped in the same paper! 😉

imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 07:56

My own boundaries is a good point. I'm sentimental about length of friendships and loyalty which doesn't always serve me

OP posts:
imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 07:56

HomeTheatreSystem · 21/12/2025 07:54

Ask her one to one what's going on that's led to her now seeming to be quite unhappy in herself. Also look at your own boundaries: you don't sound all that well off to be buying gifts for friends that cost a small fortune.

Yes I've had this conversation with her a few times in the last few years and for a whole I do think it was menopause but I think it has stuck.
She was always the outrageous funny one but very kind as well. This has now turned to nasty jokes if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 21/12/2025 07:54

Ask her one to one what's going on that's led to her now seeming to be quite unhappy in herself. Also look at your own boundaries: you don't sound all that well off to be buying gifts for friends that cost a small fortune.

LadyKedleston · 21/12/2025 07:52

Look at it as a learning experience and don't bother with her next year.

I think you've done a lovely thing and have nothing to beat yourself up about.

imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 07:51

Yes unfortunately it's wrapped and under her tree now.
I literally had a candle fund jar all year. I don't know why I do this. If someone is a dick, I always think I can win them round by being so nice.

OP posts:
ImaginaryHorse · 21/12/2025 07:50

Don't give it to her, the narky baggage.

Give her a box of cornflakes or something else completely unseasonal!

Barney16 · 21/12/2025 07:49

Can you take it back and spend the money on yourself? or keep it and buy her some chocolates. She sounds horrible.

LadyKedleston · 21/12/2025 07:47

Have you given it to her yet?