Exacting friend and christmas gift

imabitjealousandembarassed · 2025-12-21T07:46:20+00:00

I've got a friend who I've been friends with for 20 years. As we have aged, she has become more difficult. I put it down to menopause for a bit, but it's now stuck and she's a very spiky character. We are in a group of 4 who regularly meet up. Our whole friendship she has loved the shop The White Company. She likes the candles especially the Christmas one but they are very expensive. This year I've saved and I've bought her it. So far so good. Apart from her latest rant when we went for our Christmas brunch was people who buy you Christmas stuff for Christmas, ie her sister in law the year before had bought her these Christmas cushions from Next (they were lovely and v expensive) she went on and on about how inconsiderate and stupid it was. When I said I quite liked it as I don't really have the money to buy fancy Christmas bits for myself so they are a treat, also you enjoy them until new year, pack them away and have a nice surprise for next year too, she was really horrible about it. Nothing to discuss really but just ahhh she's being an ungrateful cow and now I wish I hadn't wasted my money.

fouroclockrock · 22/12/2025 21:44

Next year get her a calendar with pictures of animals from a cheap shop and save the rest of the money for yourself.

Ohnobackagain · 22/12/2025 18:00

I was going to suggest you say something like ‘you might not like your gift now you said you don’t like Christmas-themed gifts’ but surely you know she does in fact like this candle? She probably meant cushions couldn’t be used all year but a candle can … not excusing her as she has been very tactless but if she has previously said she likes it I am sure she probably wasn’t thinking when making a comment about gifts that have to be put away (and take up space perhaps)

Tryagain26 · 22/12/2025 17:42

SeaAndStars · 21/12/2025 10:25

I don't understand the 'not having enough time to enjoy it' thing.

Surely you can enjoy it on the day and in the period between Christmas and New Year then in following years. Do you switch Christmas off on Boxing night?

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I agree. Christmas isn't almost over by Christmas day it is just beginning!
But also I don't understand why anyone would take their tree down before the New Year.

tartyflette · 22/12/2025 17:35

Well, if she's as, er, straight-talking as you say, how about saying you're now unhappy about the Christmas gift you've bought her and please could she give it back? You will get her some mittens or a nice warm woolly scarf instead.
(And reference her Christmas rant.)
TBH It sounds pretty much like the kind of thing she would ask...

Original poster

imabitjealousandembarassed · 22/12/2025 17:29

BauhausOfEliott · 22/12/2025 13:56

Yes, all of this.

OP, you sound like you're scared of her! She's your friend, not your boss. Stop being such a nervous little mouse about this. You're really overthinking it. It's a candle with a winter scent, not something glittery that would only be appropriate to use in a very short window and would then have to be stored like the sodding cushions. She didn't know you'd bought it. She will open it and will likely think one of two things 'Oh, how lovely' or 'Oops, I went on that rant the other day, I hope OP doesn't remember that'. Neither of those is a problem.

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Not a nervous mouse

OP posts:

Original poster

imabitjealousandembarassed · 22/12/2025 17:27

sweetpickle2 · 22/12/2025 13:45

I actually don't think she's a dick, I think you are a people pleaser and are giving this too much space and thought.

When she went on her rant about Christmas gifts, she didn't know what you had got her. I actually agree with her on the topic of Christmas gifts.

Let her open the gift and if she doesn't like it then oh well, sometimes people don't like the gifts you've bought them. Spend less on her next year if you're bothered. I wouldn't be sending messages begging for the gift back or running around on the 22nd Dec trying to buy something else.

Not begging or running around

OP posts:

Rubinia · 22/12/2025 14:54

i wouldn’t send the second message Op. it sounds a bit desperate to please.

if you really want it back reply to yourself and put ‘did you see this?’

id probably leave it now and just not get her anything particularly nice next year.

ComedyGuns · 22/12/2025 14:25

I wouldn’t worry unless the candle has Christmas written on it in big letters - it’s just a nice smell. We use The White Company Wnter room spray as lavatory spray all year round!

TBH I would also be very peed off if someone bought me something I could only use at Christmas as a present.

Specialagentblond · 22/12/2025 14:08

She’s not replied because she’s embarrassed. Good. Leave it at that. Next time get her something generic. Moving forward carry on gently calling her out, or take a step back if she carries on being a joy sucker.

BauhausOfEliott · 22/12/2025 13:56

sweetpickle2 · 22/12/2025 13:45

I actually don't think she's a dick, I think you are a people pleaser and are giving this too much space and thought.

When she went on her rant about Christmas gifts, she didn't know what you had got her. I actually agree with her on the topic of Christmas gifts.

Let her open the gift and if she doesn't like it then oh well, sometimes people don't like the gifts you've bought them. Spend less on her next year if you're bothered. I wouldn't be sending messages begging for the gift back or running around on the 22nd Dec trying to buy something else.

Yes, all of this.

OP, you sound like you're scared of her! She's your friend, not your boss. Stop being such a nervous little mouse about this. You're really overthinking it. It's a candle with a winter scent, not something glittery that would only be appropriate to use in a very short window and would then have to be stored like the sodding cushions. She didn't know you'd bought it. She will open it and will likely think one of two things 'Oh, how lovely' or 'Oops, I went on that rant the other day, I hope OP doesn't remember that'. Neither of those is a problem.

sweetpickle2 · 22/12/2025 13:45

I actually don't think she's a dick, I think you are a people pleaser and are giving this too much space and thought.

When she went on her rant about Christmas gifts, she didn't know what you had got her. I actually agree with her on the topic of Christmas gifts.

Let her open the gift and if she doesn't like it then oh well, sometimes people don't like the gifts you've bought them. Spend less on her next year if you're bothered. I wouldn't be sending messages begging for the gift back or running around on the 22nd Dec trying to buy something else.

icouldholditwithacobweb · 22/12/2025 13:36

Why are you still trying to please this woman?! Just leave it! Either she likes the candle or she doesn't, what is done is done, don't go messaging her again and giving her all this pandering attention and rewarding her for her shitty behaviour! You did a nice thing, she's being a bit of a twat, you learned a lesson. It's over.

MerryKissmass · 22/12/2025 13:27

SnappyOchre · 22/12/2025 09:48

Did you just miss the update where a reason had already been given? The OP can hardly give a different reason now having already sent a message to her friend saying “I need to swap her present as she won't like it and it will be inappropriate now I know her feelings on Christmas items”.

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Silly me

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/12/2025 12:05

LadyKedleston · 21/12/2025 07:52

Look at it as a learning experience and don't bother with her next year.

I think you've done a lovely thing and have nothing to beat yourself up about.

I think this.

See it as a learning experience and don’t try to win round people who are dicks in future.

Can you have some sort of object in your house (such as a candle of your own maybe?) to remind you.

As an aside, if it’s the Winter scent it’s amazing and she’s lucky to have you as a friend!

everythingthelighttouches · 22/12/2025 11:48

imabitjealousandembarassed · 22/12/2025 11:06

No I think she's waiting for it to move on as she's replied to something else on the group chat but not my message privately
I'm now tempted to send another saying "please don't open your gift and return it to me"

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Don’t send her any further messages OP.

Leave it be.

Of she doesn’t get back to you now, that is awkwardness for her to sit with, not you.

carcioffi · 22/12/2025 11:20

I would be more direct and tell her you’re concerned you might upset her with your gift and would feel better it’s returned today and replaced tomorrow. Enjoy the candle yourself OP.

converseandjeans · 22/12/2025 11:15

Regardless of the Christmas gift she sounds quite hard work. Does she buy gifts for other people & is she generally otherwise generous? I don’t know I would want to hang around with her.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 22/12/2025 11:11

She’s a dick, OP

suburburban · 22/12/2025 11:09

I’ve got a WC eucalyptus one out myself that I bought earlier in the year, ready to use.

gorgeous

suburburban · 22/12/2025 11:06

I think it sounds lovely. She is rude and tbh I would stop buying for her

Original poster

imabitjealousandembarassed · 22/12/2025 11:06

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 22/12/2025 08:24

Has she still not replied??

No I think she's waiting for it to move on as she's replied to something else on the group chat but not my message privately
I'm now tempted to send another saying "please don't open your gift and return it to me"

OP posts:

Crofthead · 22/12/2025 10:56

It will be half price on Boxing Day

Crofthead · 22/12/2025 10:56

It will be half price on Boxing Day

dottiedodah · 22/12/2025 10:51

Well I think some people just like to moan! I think your gift is kind hearted and well meant.(Do also think Candles are sooo expensive ) Just think you cant please some people !

Rubinia · 22/12/2025 10:04

imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 22:54

I've messaged to say that after our conversation I need to swap her present as she won't like it and it will be inappropriate now I know her feelings on Christmas items. She's seen it but not replied

I bet she suspects what it is and wants to keep it. lol! Well done for messaging her.