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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed about the guy who took his top off in a roomful of women?

387 replies

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 06:47

I belong to a community choir and we had our Christmas concert recently. There was a room set aside for us to put our bags and coats in. It was a small room and jam packed after the concert with people collecting their bags.

The make up of the choir is predominantly middle aged and older women with a small number of men.

After the concert finished, we all went to the room to retrieve our bags. When I walked in, one of the men was standing in the corner with his top off and he didn't seem to be in a rush to put one back on. No one else was getting changed.

AIIBU to think it was out of order for him to do that? I feel I want to report him as I'm just sick of men doing shit like this. I've had more than my fair share of poor treatment of every kind over the years and I'm absolutely sick of it. If he wanted to get changed he should have gone to the toilet. I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't feel he was any kind of threat but just WHY? No one was impressed.

AIBU to report him to the choir leader?

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 21/12/2025 11:25

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 07:05

@PricelessadviceI'm not being ridiculous. What may be true though is that I have suffered most kinds of male abuse over the years and I can't tolerate this kind of low level shitty behaviour that absolutely doesn't need to happen.

I'm sorry you e had to tolerate that. If you think he wanted people to look at him it's something to keep an eye on.

cantbearsed27 · 21/12/2025 11:25

He sounds annoying and attention seeking. Best thing to do is just ignore him IMO. I don't have an issue with him changing his top at all, or being topless, but it sounds like he made it into a performance.

BillieWiper · 21/12/2025 11:23

Yeah there's no need for someone to be topless in that circumstance. You weren't doing full change into costumes were you? Maybe someone might want to put on or remove a Christmas jumper but in December you don't strip down to skin to do that?

Yeah it sounds like he's a bit of a perv tbh. Hugging people all the time and unnecessarily getting semi naked.

I think you could easily say something to the organisers. Have you spoken to the other women about him?

Orwellwasright2020 · 21/12/2025 11:23

Yep, keep your fucking clothes on Dave, nobody wants to see it.

DontStopMe · 21/12/2025 11:21

It does sound inappropriate and an attempt at showing off/dominance.
I like to think I'd say something along the lines of, "put your vest on, Colin, no-one wants to see your man boobs", but it's not always so easy when it's actually happening.

YourZippyHare · 21/12/2025 11:15

YANBU. There's a big difference between someone quickly and discreetly swapping their top (no objection) and standing around topless for a while. The latter is not necessary and he should have more consideration. I'd say the same if it was a woman - no need to be hanging around in front of people topless or in your bra. Just get changed, nobody else wants to see.

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 11:14

Well, I wouldn’t look twice, or find it odd.

RufustheFactuaIReindeer · 21/12/2025 11:06

EatYourDamnPie · 21/12/2025 08:21

Male toplessness is not appropriate anywhere and everywhere. Claiming shit like this is why we end up with topless men randomly on the street or in Tesco. It’s not appropriate simply because it’s different from female toplessness.

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This

i don’t think you are being unreasonable

Theunamedcat · 21/12/2025 11:06

He is peacocking ewww

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 10:53

5128gap · 21/12/2025 10:49

No, she understands that there are people who might think she's being ridiculous. That isn't anywhere near the same thing as believing you ARE being ridiculous.

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Then why did the story suddenly shift from him changing in a corner, to being in the middle of the room ?

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 10:51

NotMySkill · 21/12/2025 10:47

Someone has disclosed past trauma and explained why the topless man upset her so much. Some of the responses here are mean, mocking and reek of a lack of emotional intelligence. It’s possible to disagree robustly without being bitchy.

But other people are not responsible for that trauma. It needs to be dealt with so we person can move on without constantly being triggered.

5128gap · 21/12/2025 10:49

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 10:30

This. OP said upthread she didn’t want to report it for fear of being thought ridiculous, so she clearly realises it is ridiculous. It wasn’t a women only space and he didn’t indecently expose himself. He was in a corner, changing his top.

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No, she understands that there are people who might think she's being ridiculous. That isn't anywhere near the same thing as believing you ARE being ridiculous.

ContentedAlpaca · 21/12/2025 10:48

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 21/12/2025 09:51

Good job you don’t do any sports men taking their kit off in public down to their pants to get changed was a regular. Not like he got his dinky out.

I do sports where women are usually very much in the minority.
On considering how I would feel about the topless man at the choir and the reasonability of his behaviour, I compared his behaviour with how the men involved in this sport would behave. The men I know would be much more discrete about changing their top.

Clara27 · 21/12/2025 10:48

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 21/12/2025 09:37

Why not? It's not a part of the body normally considered indecent. Do you take the same attitude to women in backless dresses?

When we start policing inoffensive parts of the body, we get perilously close to demanding that everyone wear a niqab, or that women stop breastfeeding.

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you're going way off topic here. i don't think anyone has said a mans chest is indecent. or a woman in a backless dress. or a breastfeeding woman. claiming that we're perilously close to demanding everyone wear a niqab is a tad dramatic. being topless in an inappropriate setting is what we're talking about

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 10:47

BarrysTeaForMe · 21/12/2025 10:39

'Op didn't say anything about being hot'.
She indicated that it wasn't a quick change of clothes.

No, she said he was standing with his top off, and she thought he was wanting the women to look at him. That’s her interpretation, not fact. It wasn’t the choir room or an adjacent space, it was the cloakroom. If he had somewhere else to go it’s perfectly reasonable for him to change out of his choir top. Interesting that in a crowded room OP was looking art him for long enough to clock that his top was off for some time. Also interesting was the fact that she initially said he was in a corner of that crowded room. When it didn’t get the desired outrage, suddenly that changed to the middle of the room.

NotMySkill · 21/12/2025 10:47

Someone has disclosed past trauma and explained why the topless man upset her so much. Some of the responses here are mean, mocking and reek of a lack of emotional intelligence. It’s possible to disagree robustly without being bitchy.

dointhebestwecan · 21/12/2025 10:46

I’m with you OP. He’s an arse. The responses on here reflect the reason why these men get away with pushing women’s boundaries - and worse.

CharlieEffie · 21/12/2025 10:43

He was stood in the corner so your assumption that he was wanting you all to look at him doesnt really fit. Yes he could have gone to the toilet but honestly most men wouldn't even consider that, nothing malicious. He wasnt butt naked in the middle of the room windmilling everyone as they walked in

Clara27 · 21/12/2025 10:43

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 21/12/2025 09:47

Because in our society the prohibition on showing parts of the body normally applies to primary or secondary sexual characteristics. The top half of men's bodies doesn't come within that category.

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context is key though and etiquette is a thing

Nearly50omg · 21/12/2025 10:43

Next time he does something like this call him out on it loudly and laugh and say put your moobs away Wayne! No one wants to see that and laugh - he’s doing it for attention or to make women feel uncomfortable. Make him feel uncomfortable and very clear that you don’t appreciate his shit

Clara27 · 21/12/2025 10:41

AbbaCadaBra · 21/12/2025 09:33

You are not the dress police. It is not to your and your daughter's taste so don't dress like that and leave other people alone. Fashions change.

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Leave other people alone? I don't understand who I'm not leaving alone. Are we not all giving our opinion? You do seem to be quite defensive. Dress police is funny though...

BarrysTeaForMe · 21/12/2025 10:39

'Op didn't say anything about being hot'.
She indicated that it wasn't a quick change of clothes.

LiveToTell · 21/12/2025 10:37

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 06:58

@crowmate yes I agree. I would worry that he would think I was being ridiculous!

That’s because you are 😂

Medexpert · 21/12/2025 10:35

Was he acti g like plunker? maybe
Lookingvfir female attention, maybe.

What is a bit strange is that it annoyed you enough to linger in your thoughts.

People, young, older, male, female, do things for attention all the time. It's part of life. Having a quick 'WTF' thought is current, but last a few seconds and that's that. Why has this affected tou such that it looks like it turned into resentful anger?

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 10:35

BarrysTeaForMe · 21/12/2025 10:23

I also understand what you're saying, op.
I've played in concerts with choirs for years and nobody has needed to strip off and stay half dressed in the rehearsal room/adjacent space. It's not like you get too hot from singing. It's bizarre, entitled and provocative behaviour.

OP didn’t say anything about being hot. She said he was changing out of choir uniform. It’s the run up to Christmas, and he may have been going somewhere else straight after the concert.