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Original poster

to feel this bad in the run-up to Christmas?

34 replies

KeepingmyNameASecretforThis · 21/12/2025 03:15

I just feel terrible, and I wonder if I'm being unreasonable because there are mitigating factors.

It's a bit of a tale of woe, unfortunately. My husband left me because he said I wasn't pretty enough, my mum died, my dad died, these bereavements caused two of my closest friends to stay away, and my brother wouldn't see my parents when they had dementia, one after the other. Second bereavement - Mum - was 18 months ago, but then we had hell sorting out the estate and the family home and dealing with her nasty partner. Now my brother doesn't want to really see me either. He's just disappeared into his world with his wife and kids. He didn't want me on my first Christmas with no parents either, so I spent it alone last year.

Usually I cope OK, but I have been really struggling in the run-up to Christmas, which I'm spending with a good friend. But it hurts so much that the one immediate family member I have left doesn't want me at Christmas. Which means I don't get to see my nieces and nephews either. (We live far apart.) I don't know why I'm surprised; he's never wanted to be around us much, ever since I can remember.

Mitigating factors are that I have some good friends, and am usually good company. I make people laugh. I'm usually able to shake things off, but I've been extremely upset and tearful the last few days. I just feel so, so alone and unwanted, with my dear parents gone, no partner, and a sibling who doesn't want me either. Nobody wants me. Usually I'm able to have a good attitude and laugh off my sibling and not take it personally, but I've been falling apart the last few days, which I really didn't expect. And it's so unfair, because I am a good person who looked after my parents with dedication, at a cost to my own life, and I see so many less-nice people around me with people who love them.

ETA: I'm grateful that my friend asked me, but angry that I'm with someone else's family instead of my own. I feel like I'm never going to forgive the man who left me or my horrible sibling.

I have a nice job, and a home, and friends. Please help me to stop drowning in misery and self-pity.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 21/12/2025 05:22

It can be hurtful but some people do just want to spend the day with their immediate family rather than extended family and I think you have to accept that. I’d much rather be at a friends who wanted me there than a relative reluctantly agreeing to host me. Some of my oldest friends are like siblings to me, I am much closer to them than I am to my own sibling.

Original poster
KeepingmyNameASecretforThis · 21/12/2025 04:28

cocoloco12 · 21/12/2025 04:21

I'm sorry you're brother is useless and is so blind to see how hurtful he is being. My brother is very much the same. My mum passed away many years ago and when it was just me and my dad, he never thought of inviting us for Christmas with his wife or coming to us , instead just went and played happy families with her huge family.

My dad and I had xmas just us two and I didn't actually enjoy xmas for those years as it hurt seeing and hearing about everyone else with their big families.

Now I'm married and before I had my child, I brought my dad to me every year as my brother again wouldn't think to ask him, despite the fact he and his wife had kids and did xmas just them in their home. This means I never have an xmas day with husbands family as they live far away although they had previously said my dad could come along too.

Now I we have a child the situation remains the same, my dad comes to us. I'd never even ask my brother to have him as wouldn't want him to feel unwanted, it's more the fact he has never asked.

Like you SIL is great and we all get on.... Maybe could it be something you bring up with her?

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas, enjoy it with your friend.. Remember friends are the family you choose for yourself and they sound like a lovely caring soul.

Oh yes, your situation sounds very similar in terms of the parents and brother! I also had some miserable Christmases alone with my mum, just the two of us, with her not able to see her grandchildren. What on earth is wrong with these heartless people. I could never, I just couldn't do that to immediate family members who were bereaved and had no partner.

OP posts:
cocoloco12 · 21/12/2025 04:21

I'm sorry you're brother is useless and is so blind to see how hurtful he is being. My brother is very much the same. My mum passed away many years ago and when it was just me and my dad, he never thought of inviting us for Christmas with his wife or coming to us , instead just went and played happy families with her huge family.

My dad and I had xmas just us two and I didn't actually enjoy xmas for those years as it hurt seeing and hearing about everyone else with their big families.

Now I'm married and before I had my child, I brought my dad to me every year as my brother again wouldn't think to ask him, despite the fact he and his wife had kids and did xmas just them in their home. This means I never have an xmas day with husbands family as they live far away although they had previously said my dad could come along too.

Now I we have a child the situation remains the same, my dad comes to us. I'd never even ask my brother to have him as wouldn't want him to feel unwanted, it's more the fact he has never asked.

Like you SIL is great and we all get on.... Maybe could it be something you bring up with her?

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas, enjoy it with your friend.. Remember friends are the family you choose for yourself and they sound like a lovely caring soul.

Original poster
KeepingmyNameASecretforThis · 21/12/2025 04:15

Lurkingandlearning · 21/12/2025 04:13

We are constantly told Christmas is a time for family. All the ads and films show families coming together and having a magical time. When you don’t have that it’s difficult not to feel sad and maybe resentful. But even people with families don’t have those magical Christmases that are rammed down our throats from October onwards. Just read all the posts from people here who have families who will be spending the holiday together and how fraught and miserable it’s going to be for them.

It’s a shame you don’t have a better relationship with your brother but I bet that isn’t as hurtful during the rest of the year when you aren’t bombarded with all the hype about togetherness.

And you do have someone who wants you. You have your friend who has invited you to spend Christmas with her. Isn’t that more meaningful than a dutiful invitation from a relative?

I do sympathise, but put your crappy brother out of your head and have a cracking Christmas despite him.

and of course, In ten days time it will all be over.

I do have a family, but thanks to my brother, I won't be able to see them this Christmas.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 21/12/2025 04:13

We are constantly told Christmas is a time for family. All the ads and films show families coming together and having a magical time. When you don’t have that it’s difficult not to feel sad and maybe resentful. But even people with families don’t have those magical Christmases that are rammed down our throats from October onwards. Just read all the posts from people here who have families who will be spending the holiday together and how fraught and miserable it’s going to be for them.

It’s a shame you don’t have a better relationship with your brother but I bet that isn’t as hurtful during the rest of the year when you aren’t bombarded with all the hype about togetherness.

And you do have someone who wants you. You have your friend who has invited you to spend Christmas with her. Isn’t that more meaningful than a dutiful invitation from a relative?

I do sympathise, but put your crappy brother out of your head and have a cracking Christmas despite him.

and of course, In ten days time it will all be over.

Original poster
KeepingmyNameASecretforThis · 21/12/2025 03:56

Cat1504 · 21/12/2025 03:47

Try let that anger go…..it won’t change anything…..just drag you down…..wishing you well for 2026

I know. Thank you xxx It's just really hard. Bro has this big house and lovely spouse and four kids, and somehow I've ended up with nothing. If the situation was reversed, nothing could make me fail to invite him for Christmas. I would never, ever leave him on his own knowing that he didn't have anyone. But then, I could never understand how he could leave our parents on their own either.

OP posts:
Cat1504 · 21/12/2025 03:47

Try let that anger go…..it won’t change anything…..just drag you down…..wishing you well for 2026

Original poster
KeepingmyNameASecretforThis · 21/12/2025 03:41

Sugarfish · 21/12/2025 03:28

Yeah it’s shit and I’ll probably be in the same situation as you within the next 5 years when my parents sadly go. I have siblings but we aren’t that close. It’s worth remembering that just because you share blood it doesn’t mean you will automatically get along. Sounds like your friend wants you, and that can sometimes be a closer bond than family.

But my SIL and my four niblings have no issue with me and niblings love me, as I love them. But controlling Big Man Bro rules the roost, so no family for me at Christmas. I am very grateful to be invited by my friend, but they are not my family. I have a family, and I would like to be with them, instead of with someone else's family.

I will never, ever forget how this feels, to my dying day, even if I remarry etc. I think it's actually worse than my first Christmas alone last year. I slept through most of it and didn't care as I was missing my parents so much.

Shame on my brother. He is the very opposite of the spirit of Christmas and Christian charity. Frankly I hope there's a hell and I hope he goes there when it's his time, I really do. So hurt and angry. And it seems to have crept up on me. I'm in a bit of a state.

OP posts:
Sugarfish · 21/12/2025 03:28

Yeah it’s shit and I’ll probably be in the same situation as you within the next 5 years when my parents sadly go. I have siblings but we aren’t that close. It’s worth remembering that just because you share blood it doesn’t mean you will automatically get along. Sounds like your friend wants you, and that can sometimes be a closer bond than family.

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