to feel this bad in the run-up to Christmas?

I understand your losses and the sadness of being on your own. My point is why you want to spend Christmas with someone you clearly (for good reasons it seems), don't think much of and don't really have much of a relationship beyond texting. Would you really be able to put aside all that resentment just for one day.

There's so much pressure on Christmas to spend it with family and the importance of this but surely this only works if you get on. I really don't understand wanting to spend one day with someone where there is clearly massive issues between you. The rest of the family would pick up on this and it isn't fair on them or you.

You sound like you have wonderful friends, something many people don't have it. Focus on spending Christmas on people who do love you and want to spend time with you.

We would all like people to behave the way we expect or want them too. I have a a brother as well who's behaviour leaves a lot to be desired. I'd be great if we got on and he was an involved member of our family but he's not and I've learnt you can't control people or change their behaviour or how they act.

I am on my own- with my sister blocking access to my dad - having lost my husband recently so be careful what you say

your brother is not as kind as you - and just because you would do it he wouldn't - we can’t control others..sad as the case may be

these are your words “i don't know why I'm surprised; he's never wanted to be around us much, ever since I can remember”

your post was about whether YABU to think he would want to be with you

I just don’t think he sees you as immediate family and you are clinging on to something that isn’t there and needs grieving. When you are young and in the family home - yes you are immediate family but he definitely doesn’t see you that way now he has his own wife and kids

you could always ask for an invite?

I’m with you OP - I too have complex hurtful family

BUT

your brother has his own immediate family - you are not his immediate family now - kids don’t owe parents - it was your choice to care for them - he can lead his life how he wants

and if things went on when you were younger and your family was troubled - siblings can often block you because you remind them of that past

I say this as someone in a family where my sister controls access to parents

there is grieving to be done in families like ours - it’s very painful and amplified by the “happy family season”

Just wanted to add, I’m single and no kids and live in a different country to my family but there are issues in my family dynamic that mean it wouldn’t be perfect if I lived near them, so I can understand where you are coming from but I’ve found that I just need to accept these things for what they are rather than the emotional turmoil in wishing things were different x

Sounds like you’ve been through an awful lot OP, so give yourself some grace. Unfortunately you probably just need to accept your brother for who he is and that he can’t be the brother you want him to be.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your friends and feel a bit better soon x

You can't force a relationship that's isn't there ..
Family don't always do the right thing
You have had two loving parents your whole life ,to spend many many Christmases with .
I haven't seen my dad in 30 years and my mum wasn't interested..so no Christmas with either of my parents since I was 17
Not a gift or card ..not a phone call.
I have no happy memories to fall back on ...and none of it was my fault ,year after year I sent presents and cards and reached out and pleaded ,but nothing ever came back ..with them was a whole huge family who I lost as well ... through no fault of my own..
So as I said .. people don't always do the right thing ,you can't make someone love you ,you can't make someone want to .
I should know ,I spent a lifetime wondering what I did wrong..no idea ..
You have a friend who wants you ,and a life ahead of you to make new memories with new people you had yet to meet xxx

I am sorry for your losses OP, you have been through so much.

I don't have a relationship with either of my siblings, they aren't nice people. The difference is, I wouldn't choose to spend my Christmas with them because they are "family". Being related doesn't excuse poor behaviour. I'm not sure why you would choose to spend Christmas with your brother given you don't get on, don't approve of his treatment towards your parents and you live far away. It doesn't sound like it would be a happy, pleasant experience and I don't think you would come away feeling wanted or loved like you would hope. Probably quite the opposite.

I can understand the feelings of not being wanted but the thing is you are. You are obviously wanted by your wonderful friend and I would choose to nurture and nourish these relationships instead. And create seperate relationships with your nieces and nephews too. I hope you manage to enjoy your Christmas regardless.

It’s a waste of you to allow so much of thoughts to be of this brother. Don’t give him any more of yourself.
Maybe try to find something that will totally absorb you? I decided to weed a badly overgrown garden path & whilst I was out there found some lovely pussy willows already beautifully silvery & ready for picking.

Sorry I meant to say normal in many families just to have immediate family as in wife, kids. Some people do like it be just them on the day itself.

Even so I think it’s quite normal in many families to not have extended family. It is hurtful, but sounds like you have a lovely friend who will enjoy your company.

It is natural to feel this raw pain at times like Christmas, when people celebrate being together and you have lost so much.

I would stop expecting your brother to step up, he isn’t going to, and it’s only going to create more feelings of sadness and loss. He is there but selfish and absorbed with his own life. Continue to establish an independent relationship wih your nieces and nephews. Can you develop a stronger relationship with your sister in law and other relatives?

Your losses are very real, have you had Counselling op?

Are you interested in dating again?
Joining mixed hobbies?
Growing your community links?
A church?

You can root yourself more firmly in the area you are in, and then you have a second family of choice.

i would share your feelings with your close friends, so they can support and check in on you. Let yourself be sad and resentful for a while. It’s okay to grieve what you have lost, a family of your own. I don’t know your age, but msybe it isn’t too late. You could even consider adopting or fostering if you wanted to.

Wishing hell fire on another person is not what a nice person does.

Maybe he hasn't invited you because you judge him, or because you remind him that he wasn't the best son.
Whatever the reason, he is entitled to live his own life and not invite you for Xmas if that is what he wants.
You need to let go of the resentment or it will make you bitter. Start to build a life for yourself instead. When was the last time you had a self indulgent holiday. I think I'd start planning one for the new year. Time to treat yourself.

That’s because you are a far nicer person than your brother OP. Take heart in the fact that you are a good person.

Im also feeling miserable this Christmas because of my brother - for different reasons (he’s been using coercive control to exclude me and my children from my parents lives so we won’t get to spend Christmas Day with them yet again).

Unfortunately we aren’t all blessed with lovely siblings.

I hope you find happiness again in the future.