To feel DH is being really insensitive (TW)

Oh, you poor poor love. I sometimes feel that I have a hard heart, but your post touched me so much.
I mean this in THE kindest and most gentle way, but you are being a little unreasonable. However, your feelings are 100% understandable. So really, you’re not unreasonable at all! I think it’s more a case of managing your expectations of your son’s girlfriend.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss x

Im so sorry for your loss. It really does sound complicated in your family and It seems your DHs way of coping is not helpful at all.

I think it’s lovely that you and your son’s girlfriend still visit the grave together and you are completely reasonable to feel upset she can’t make it this year.

It may be her moving on but you are entitled to feel how you feel and that you miss her.

All the best op x

I am so sorry for your huge loss, and the grief you understandably feel (and on which there is no statute of limitations). Your DH sounds emotionally stunted and negligent. What you got from your DS's GF was connection, empathy, and shared understanding in grief. It is thoughtful of her to have written to you, and to continue to keep you and your DS in her heart, even as her life moves on. This level of consideration and thoughtfulness is not typical of the young people I know, and I have great admiration for her too. Perhaps you've also come to rely more on her fulfilling a need that perhaps your DH could/should have? Have you had grief counseling, been to support groups..? Just because you have a DH and DDs doesn't mean they are able to provide the support you need...Hope you find some peace and support when you need it. Virtual hugs - what you are going through is in the realm of nightmares for most parents. My heart goes out to you.

There are no words so sending you hugs and strength. 🫶

I'm sorry for your loss.. a mothers love is immeasurable, of course you are still grieving and having someone who was also grieving with you was a source of comfort and of course you'll miss that.
Havjng said that you probably do need to prepare yourself for the fact that she may end up marrying/moving away and while it's hard , your ds would have wanted those things for her too.

You're not being irrational. Your thoughts and feelings are completely valid. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I won't vote if you are / not being unreasonable because you are obviously still grieving and the hurt is within you but in a way you have an expectation that this young woman has to carry that grief along with her as well .
Is that what you want for her for many years to come ? Its almost like you expect her to don widows weeds and never move her life along .
Of course she shouldn't do that , and surely you wouldn't want that either .
She carries her love for your son in her heart , but it shouldn't be in all her heart , just a tiny bit .
The rest of it is to allow new experiences , new people , new lives to enrich her life.
Please let her have that , even better want her to have that .

This. I’m sorry for your loss and yes he was a bit insensitive but he also has a point. She is moving on and it’s unreasonable for you to expect things to stay the same forever. As hard as it is you also need to find a way to move forward for your sake and your family sake. It’s possible your husband is feeling frustrated because of this, and that is a valid feeling. Sounds like you all need to sit down and find a way to talk through how you all feel Which I appreciate is extremely difficult but you all need to find a way to move forward.

I’m so sorry for your loss. That is an awful amount of of grief to carry and the one person who should be there to support you in however it manifests is your DH. I’m so sorry.

He's being horrible. Grief is a process. The GF was very sweet and considerate to let you know in advance that she wasn't coming. You understand and this can be a small step in the direction towards her eventually moving on completely. There's no need for your "D" H to push the next steps onto you today. Prick.

I think it's absolutely understandable. Your post is so thoughtful and empathetic, I feel so sorry for you.

I’m so sorry for your loss and completely understand your devastation. Your husband, in my opinion, was very harsh. But I suppose that he’s coping with grief in his own way. Perhaps seeing your ds’s girlfriend is difficult for him?
Sending love and hope you find some peace this Christmas xxx

I’m sorry for your loss.

Have you seen a therapist?

Your DH will be grieving and miss your son just as badly as you are.
If they clashed, then he will likely be struggling with his death even more so.

The way he said it was very insensitive but I do wonder if his heart is in the right place.

The world does keep turning and people do move on with their lives but that doesn’t mean they won’t be grieving your son.

It’s not either/or.
You can love and miss your son but also live your life to the fullest.
When people move on, they are simply living their life - it does not mean they have forgotten or love your son any less.

You will never not miss your son.
But I hope you find a way to move on without feeling guilty for doing so.

Sorry for you loss.

I don’t think it’s a given she will get married and you won’t hear from her. My cousin died in his early 20s. His girlfriend at the time eventually moved on and married, but still kept in touch with his parents. When her and new husband had a baby, my aunt and uncle were called grandma and grandpa. They loved her kids as their own grandkids. Not all families are the same - and if you have a connection with her it could stay strong. She has said she is coming for his bday. So clearly she still cares.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died 8 years ago and the grief is still there even though I have moved on to an extent and have another child. You come across very kind and understanding. You aren't expecting your son's girlfriend not to move on. I wish my husband's parents were more understanding.

I feel that your husband may have phrased it wrong but the thought behind it is right. It's time for his girlfriend to move on with her life and probably cut ties with you. You can grieve however you want but other people have to live their lives too.

I agree with this. Your husband’s grief will be different, possibly more complex as their relationship was more complex.

Yes he was insensitive, possibly because he’s a callous uncaring man or possibly because feels he’s lost not only his son but his wife who is changed forever by her grief.

When it isn’t the anniversary or a particular special occasion, reflect on your marriage generally. Would therapy together help? Losing a child puts terrible strain on relationships.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s unimaginable.

It's lovely that you share these special moments and memories with his girlfriend. OK it may not last forever, and this year is a sign of that, but it's a measure of the woman that she still asked you to lay flowers for her. Keep that, as long as you can, but be ready for it to fade (it may not, though).
It's also a measure of the man, that your husband is such an insensitive arse!

I sort of think you’re both right, although I agree the way it was phrased was very bald and could have been expressed in a way that wasn’t as blunt.

It’s been nearly thirty years since one of my brothers took his life. And I’m sometimes struck by what a different world it was: the photographs of him look very dated now in terms of hairstyles and clothes, music he liked is no longer popular, and I guess the sort of zeitgeist feel of the late 90s with Tony Blair, millennium bugs and email just emerging as a mainstream thing has completely gone, it all belongs to a different time.

In many ways it’s hard as the bereaved but it’s also a comfort. Life does move on; it doesn’t mean you ever forget your loved one of course but things need to keep moving forward, babies are born and the seasons change, children grow up, and yes, his girlfriend will move on in terms of new relationships. But that doesn’t mean what they had isn’t meaningful and wonderful.

Op I am so sorry for your loss. I found in my experience of loss, it was really difficult to see the world keep moving. Those were lovely traditions you've created with his girlfriend. My family suffered a loss thirty years ago and each year friends of my loved one would visit my parents when they were home at Christmas. As they got older and married and moved away the visits became less frequent and it was sad that happened. My parents understood why, but it still made them sad

Your husband was really insensitive to speak to you this way.

He is probably upset that he and you have not been able to share your grief together in the way you and the gf shared it. He has likely felt excluded and is angry that you were sharing your grief with someone else. Your son has gone, his gf has gone and it is your dh who is still here and yet he may feel like the least important. Have the two of you had many open and frank conversations about how you are each managing your grief?

I feel your pain as ds took his life a year ago aged 25.
I love his partner of 8 years as a daughter. I hope she finds another lovely partner as she has been robbed of her future at such a young age and deserves happiness .
However I understood how you feel. Grief is a terrible thing and it is different for everyone. You would never know I'd lost a child if you met me. But every day I cry alone thinking of the utter waste of a life and the ripple effect on so many people.
I hope you have a peaceful Xmas x

@kerikaz

I am so sorry for your loss 💐.

Your DH is not brimming with emotional intelligence is he?

I hope you have someone to talk to; you mentioned therapy. It’s ok to be sad. Grief is so layered. Take care and I hope you have a happy Christmas.

Maybe ask MN to remove your comment that you accidentally posted here?

Sending love to all those who have lost a child. It’s the worst of nightmares and an unimaginable grief. I am so sorry xxx