To be sick and tired of being asked where I am from

Well you have made some of it up! You’ve admitted that it’s not nearly as often as you first claimed in your op and that it was hyperbolic.

I’m in the same boat (not born here, but lived in the UK most of my life now) and I’m never asked this question, at least not in the last 15 years..

But how long is just a tiny bit longer according to the conversation police and what are acceptable topics in the mean time? Some people think "what do you do?" is rude. Some people think asking about family is rude. I personally don't but if people are easily offended I don't see how you could possibly guarantee they wouldn't also be offended by one of the alternatives. Most people consider the weather too boring. People's taste in tv shows and music is so varied these days that you may never find any common ground at all if you set out down that path....is anyone really interested that someone bought their bag from Zara rather than H&M? I'm not personally and I try to be authentic.

But the point is that people are on both ends of these conversations in most situations because conversation is generally reciprocal. If someone asks where you're from you will typically ask them where they're from to reciprocate and vice versa unless one person indicates they don't want to discuss that topic. It isn't draining for everyone but for those who find it draining, why can't you just change the subject?

Just because you and a minority of others don't enjoy a question doesn't make it rude. I've read every reply on this thread and there have been dozens of people from foreign countries as well as the UK who have shared how much they enjoy answering this question and asking it back. Why should others miss out on meaningful human connection because a small group of people can't just say "for various reasons, I'd rather not talk about this subject..." and let the conversation move on to another subject?

And this idea that there's a group who ask and a group who are asked is odd - the point of conversation is reciprocity. If I ask this I almost always get asked back and vice versa and that's been the case in the UK where I'm from and in the two foreign countries I lived in, where I was the foreigner.

There are questions I don't enjoy answering for various reasons but I would never dream of trying to shame people into withdrawing them entirely from use if there was no legitimate reason to deem them offensive, beyond "it makes me feel bad for personal reasons". Everyone has their sore points and there would be nothing to ask if we stopped asking anything that might trigger a negative reaction due to something we don't know about a person.

But that doesn't have much potential for conversational development which is why most people won't choose it. How long can you personally keep a conversation going about a coat? Unless it used to belong to Amelia Erhardt or something, who was a distant relative of yours, it's going to be of limited interest to most people and will fizzle out very quickly which is exactly what most people are trying to avoid. Not that it's not impossible for a decent conversation to develop but it's not fertile ground in my experience.

I’m a northerner in London and get the same all the time. Never bothered me tbh.

I think we’re probably talking about different things — intent versus impact. I can see why the impact builds up over time, even if the intent isn’t harmful.

@Fleurdeville in communication there is intent (the speaker), the actual words (medium) and the effect (recipient/audience). Intent and the will/curiosity of the speaker are only one part of this. In this forum, a significant proportion of the recipients of the question ‘where are you from’ are expressing that whilst there may (or may not be) be ‘good’ intent, the effect, depending on context, can be unpleasant for them. So it might be useful for people to consider this when they ask it. All we are asking for is a short pause. Am I assuming this person is not ‘from here’ because they have a slight accent? What is the context of this assumption? Why does it matter to me where they consider themselves to be ‘from’? Could it be annoying for them to have to explain this right now when booking a hair appointment or sitting on a bus? What if they are ‘from here’ but just have an accent, how will they then answer my question without worrying about making me feel awkward, or appearing rude?

Tbf it didn’t even cross my mind because of the setting and also, I’m so settled now it’s an automatic response, as ingrained as x country or y city used to be before I moved here.

@Wetoldyousaurus i really disagree with this analysis. Some people may think that way but not all - it’s a perfectly normal question that has been framed as only having one intent behind it. It’s really dangerous to do this to language and conversation - it assumes intent where there is none as though the speaker does not fully understand their own words or is being deliberately sly.

@EatYourDamnPie I preempt it by saying that we’re from X town but I’m originally from the UK.

Nah, you sound unhinged and desperate to start some sort of argument and feel victimised by perfectly nice strangers taking an interest.

Absolutely no pretence here. Grow up.

Also, it will keep happening. Forever. Stay home or get used to it.

Stop pretending you don’t understand the difference .

Perhaps they find conversation hard and latch on to a topic that gives you something to talk about that they can work with? I do that a lot. Why not think that it is people trying to connect rather than thinking is about your discomfort - or at least tell them what you think so they don’t waste their energy and time.

Because just because someone has an accent, doesn’t mean they are not from the area. Asking them where they are from means you have assumed that only people with a very specific profile are ‘from’ there. Being ‘from’ somewhere is complicated for many people. Leave it for stage two or three of the conversation, unless there is some practical, immediate reason you might need to know or it won’t be offensive - ie - giving directions to an obvious tourist or something.

I find this very hard to believe for mutiple reasons, particularly after living most of my adult life in london strangers in london rarely talk to one another.

Have a look into main character syndrome.

People are just making conversation. Nothing more or less.

@Playdoughy I’m not doubting your experience at all. Tbh, your update that many people who ask were born outside the UK confirms my earlier suggestion that this behavior is global, because humans are nosy creatures!

Im glad we can agree.

We all know what the stinking intent is behind people who go on to say/ really mean that.

People taking an interest in you is them being nice. Stop pretending you don't get that. Or stay home and never interact with anyone publicly ever again. That would be best, all round, for everyone.

DD’s ortho : where did you come from?
me: name of town , so we didn’t have to travel too far.
DD’s ortho: no, where are YOU from?

Explain to me how or why is that nice?

Fair enough.

To be honest I’d just be happy if people asked once and if for whatever reason I say Bexley instead of x country they stop there. If people take one thing from this thread , “no, where are you really from” is not an acceptable/appropriate sequel.

It wil keep happening, forever. People are just trying to be nice.

Get used to it.