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Original poster

To be sick and tired of being asked where I am from

756 replies

Playdoughy · 21/12/2025 00:36

Just that really.
I am not from the UK, I've lived here a good portion of my life, my child was born here, my husband is also not from the UK (different country than me), and every single time everywhere - restaurants, get-togethers, parties we are invited to, standing in a queue, riding a bus, paying for a book in a bookshop - I really do mean everywhere and every single time - we both get asked where are we from - nicely and in a friendly manner ofcourse.

Now, to be clear - I am proud of where I am from, I don't mind talking about my country, a lot of beautiful things to say. I also don't expect people to assume I am from around here - I am aware of my accent 😁 so it's not like I am 'offended' that I am recognised as a foreigner...
I am just simply tired of the one and the same conversation every single time, day after day, all these years. If after my response I get - 'ah interesting I was wondering about accent' - fine, topic finished. But 90 percent of the time this goes into full conversation - Oh interesting, so what about xyz, how is xyz, do you xyz, how do you xyz.

When people engage into these conversations - does it really never cross their mind that this poor person you are about to interrogate about their roots probably gets that same question all the time and maybe just maybe is tired of it.
How about a good old weather themed conversation? Or asking about where I bought my bag, or recommend a movie, or simply rant about the ridiculous prices... anything but - 'so where are you from?'
And yes I know that the default answer to my post may be - 'If you don't mind me asking but - where are you from?' It is not even funny anymore.

Also is there anything I could potentially do to communicate that these questions are not exactly welcomed, without being rude or sounding like I am trying to hide something or being a weirdo.

OP posts:
NortyElf · 21/12/2025 06:39

@Playdoughy I bet you're Brazilian?

InterestedDad37 · 21/12/2025 06:37

Playdoughy · 21/12/2025 01:06

Interesting, so it is seen as not polite?
I would have never guessed, I actually thought maybe people do this because it is polite and shows interest.
Happy to find out it is not odd that I am feeling like this about it.

Show quote history

It's only seen as potentially impolite if you're a person who is aware of how it might offend, and generally positive about the UK being such a multicultural place.
The majority of the UK population are unaware that it might be impolite.
A minority don't care that it might be impolite.
Most people simply ask it either out of genuine curiosity, or a wish to make conversation (thinking it more interesting than the weather).
A small minority ask it out of malice, having negative feelings towards the UK's multicultural nature.

EleanorReally · 21/12/2025 06:35

most of the people i work with are from abroad -nhs-
one lady has refused to say where she is from, i am intrigued

afatatha · 21/12/2025 06:34

arcticpandas · 21/12/2025 06:27

You can say that it feels othering though. That's a subjective valid point.

Show quote history

Yes, totally, but you're the only one that used that language. The other three posters have, if I'm not mistaken, said that it is othering someone - which involves, according to one reputable source, securing one's own identity by distancing and stigmatising another, which is crazy. That is not what's happening in 99% of cases. It's either an attempt to build a genuine connection or else it's polite conversation. And much of the time, the people asking don't even know if the person comes from the same place as they do or not - that's the point of questions - you don't know the answers before you've asked them!

FieryA · 21/12/2025 06:34

I don't think people are going to necessarily imagine that get asked this often and therefore choose not to ask you themselves. I guess the less you say and give minimal answers, the slower the conversation will be. Though I am surprised that you have been asked it, even in a queue or bus? That seems quite odd.

Bournetilly · 21/12/2025 06:28

Tell them where you are from, if they ask questions about where you are from just say you don’t know; you haven’t lived there since you were a child.

arcticpandas · 21/12/2025 06:27

afatatha · 21/12/2025 06:22

Has anyone who's used the word "othering" actually studied the concept? It absolutely does not fit the definition of this word, even if you find it annoying.

You can say that it feels othering though. That's a subjective valid point.

arcticpandas · 21/12/2025 06:25

Fluffypiki · 21/12/2025 05:57

Meh, you sound whiny. I am french and every every time someone asks me where I am from in France, I don't mind, it is a conversation starter, it is meant well and usually it is followed by a story about a city I know nothing about. Actually I find that lovely and this is one of my favourite part of the UK, people are friendly and open.
If it bother you, work on you accent then no one will ask you anymore 🙄.

😄 "Work on your accent" Are you sure you're French? Because it's really hard for me to understand French people speaking English. Don't have a problem with other nationalities but the French accent is very thick so mostly I just prefer to have the conversation in French.

Berlinlover · 21/12/2025 06:24

I’m Irish and have lived in London, Australia and New Zealand. People asked me where I was from all the time, it never bothered me at all. YABU

afatatha · 21/12/2025 06:22

Has anyone who's used the word "othering" actually studied the concept? It absolutely does not fit the definition of this word, even if you find it annoying.

Justchilling07 · 21/12/2025 06:20

SchoolDilemma17 · 21/12/2025 06:00

@Playdoughy I hear you! Ignore people who say it’s polite and you should be grateful people are interested in you. I have been here 20 years, my kids were born here, I have a UK passport and I’m also utterly fed up answering where I’m from. To make matters worse, I have a different account to my home country (eg let’s say I speak Swedish but grew up in Finland) and that makes people keep digging about my accent. It’s a reminder that no matter what I do people will see me as a foreigner.

when I answer the “where are you from question?” with my hometown people ask “but where are you really from” 🙄

Where has anyone actually said op should be grateful?
Just that it’s a conversational starter.
personally, l say this, from someone who has an accent, l don’t believe it’s meant to be offensive @SchoolDilemma17

hattie43 · 21/12/2025 06:18

People are showing interest that’s all .

arcticpandas · 21/12/2025 06:17

Playdoughy · 21/12/2025 01:21

Intrestingly I see those that ask as self-centred.
Ofcourse it is natural curiousity, but that doesn't justify it, does it?
Surely you don't just bluntly ask everyone just about everything you are curious about? E.g. Hi Emily, hi Nick - why are you still together considering everyone knows Nick's been cheating for the past year.
You probably consider how the other side feels about your question first, no?

Show quote history

I think it depends on the situation. I might ask where someone is from since I'm not British myself. If I were British I probably wouldn't dare to ask because it could feel "othering" to the person. My pet peeve is when people ask me if I'm American. Americans (from the US) tend to be frowned upon in the UK and also in Europe where I'm from. They are considered to be superficial and a bit daft so I always wonder if it's my accent or if it's myself that is thought of as American.

Pollyanna87 · 21/12/2025 06:17

I really do think it’s people trying to make polite conversation.

TappyGilmore · 21/12/2025 06:15

YANBU. I am British-born, white, British ancestors as far back as I know of, but I lived overseas for some time as a child so have an accent that is not British. It annoys me that people constantly ask where I am from because of my accent. The answer is “I’m from right here!” Asking is offensive; it’s a means of othering someone. I suspect many people would consider it racist to ask someone who is not white, yet don’t seem to have any problem with asking a white person.

RisingSunn · 21/12/2025 06:13

I’m actually surprised you said London. I thought you were going to mention a small town.

pippistrelle · 21/12/2025 06:10

I have a non-regional accent

Not the point of the thread, but what is a non regional accent?

OttersMayHaveShifted · 21/12/2025 06:09

I totally get why it would be annoying. I'd really want to ask. It's particularly interesting to me as I'm a linguist and would probably have been trying to guess your accent and want to find out if I was right! I'd resist asking though, because I know it's something that people often don't want to be asked.

Moanranger · 21/12/2025 06:05

This is exactly my problem as well. I have lived in the UK 40 years & still get asked this constantly. It is so, so, annoying! I think it is a particularly UK thing. Brits are super-attuned to accents due to the class system. They “place” people by listening to how they speak (working class? Posh? Northern? Etc) However, unlike OP when I lived in London, I rarely was asked this. I moved out of London to a more provincial area & it is constant! It’s also weird because Brits are generally very reserved, but boy oh boy, when it comes to probing your country of origin, all bets are off!
I occasionally challenge them by pointing out how “othering” it is, a concept they are not familiar with. I also just state my village name & stalk off.

HelmholtzWatson · 21/12/2025 06:04

#FirstWorldProblems

Negroany · 21/12/2025 06:03

I'm on holiday currently, I've been asked where I'm from three times today (they don't know I'm on holiday).

I guess it might be tedious after a while, but it's just life when you're in a place you don't originate from.

Redheadedstepchild · 21/12/2025 06:03

@PurpleThistle7 Y'see when they start asking about politics, as in your case, your opinions on gun ownership or Donald Trump, that's when it gets awkward and you have to be a bit clever.

I don't want to be stuck in the back of a taxi having a discussion about the pros and cons of Brexit for example.

Again, just deflect as best you can.

ALittleDropOfRain · 21/12/2025 06:01

Playdoughy · 21/12/2025 00:36

Just that really.
I am not from the UK, I've lived here a good portion of my life, my child was born here, my husband is also not from the UK (different country than me), and every single time everywhere - restaurants, get-togethers, parties we are invited to, standing in a queue, riding a bus, paying for a book in a bookshop - I really do mean everywhere and every single time - we both get asked where are we from - nicely and in a friendly manner ofcourse.

Now, to be clear - I am proud of where I am from, I don't mind talking about my country, a lot of beautiful things to say. I also don't expect people to assume I am from around here - I am aware of my accent 😁 so it's not like I am 'offended' that I am recognised as a foreigner...
I am just simply tired of the one and the same conversation every single time, day after day, all these years. If after my response I get - 'ah interesting I was wondering about accent' - fine, topic finished. But 90 percent of the time this goes into full conversation - Oh interesting, so what about xyz, how is xyz, do you xyz, how do you xyz.

When people engage into these conversations - does it really never cross their mind that this poor person you are about to interrogate about their roots probably gets that same question all the time and maybe just maybe is tired of it.
How about a good old weather themed conversation? Or asking about where I bought my bag, or recommend a movie, or simply rant about the ridiculous prices... anything but - 'so where are you from?'
And yes I know that the default answer to my post may be - 'If you don't mind me asking but - where are you from?' It is not even funny anymore.

Also is there anything I could potentially do to communicate that these questions are not exactly welcomed, without being rude or sounding like I am trying to hide something or being a weirdo.

I get this, but the other way around as a Brit in Germany. More so since having a child I speak in English to in public.

I answer with ‚I was born in England, but am now very much at home in… how about you? Are you local?’ Sometimes I don’t add the last bit and just shut them down. It’s not meanly meant, but it is othering and there’s only so many times you can listen to an account of someone‘s grandchild going on a school language exchange near London (it’s almost always Hastings).

It happens a lot less since moving to a village.I‘m very well known in the village, but also for being in the various clubs, helping out at events and being a PTA rep at the village school. I work in an internationally active IT company so although I need English for work, I‘ll be in the canteen at lunchtime having conversations in German about ‘local’ stuff.

But for random encounters I’ll steer the conversation away the standard 3 questions.

SchoolDilemma17 · 21/12/2025 06:00

Fluffypiki · 21/12/2025 05:57

Meh, you sound whiny. I am french and every every time someone asks me where I am from in France, I don't mind, it is a conversation starter, it is meant well and usually it is followed by a story about a city I know nothing about. Actually I find that lovely and this is one of my favourite part of the UK, people are friendly and open.
If it bother you, work on you accent then no one will ask you anymore 🙄.

“Work on your accent” how rude!
even UK born people have accent.

Blizzardofleaves · 21/12/2025 06:00

I would like to suggest you simply say ‘ I call England my home now’ and that’s it.

Then move the subject on ‘ speaking of which it is rainy/warm etc for the time of year isn’t it’ and if they persevere (unlikely) repeat it, I call England my home now, do not engage or answer the question.

I sense you are upset by this question as you left under difficult circumstances. Of course you don’t want to be reminded.

Perhaops London definitely feels like your home now, and the questions can create feelings of still being an outsider.

Have you had counselling op? There is a lot sitting underneath this irritation, and it’s not about other’s curiosity and interest, but how you feel about your home country and previous life.

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