I’ve ‘never given DH a decent gift’

Up to a point, he is right, but only up to a point. You should know his likes and dislikes and any hobbies. BUT, without being helpful when you ask and being aggressive in his reply, well, he deserves nothing.

Tools.
Vouchers.
A day trip to a race car/bike track let him blow some steam off.
A nice big chunky gold ring or chain.
Nice fancy nickers he will know what that means.
A bottle of his fav drink.
The list goes on.

Most people get the same year after year heres the boring list.
Mens body wash set.
A new shaving kit.
A box of chocolates.
Socks new shoes.
Key rings ect.
People can by this crap themself throughout the year.

Spice it up a bit.

After 20 year and you still dont know what he likes, says a lot on how much you really care.

The OP won't be back - the thread didn't go the way she wanted.

And the fact that she's refusing to tell us what she buys him speaks volumes.

What kind of gifts do you get him normally?
I think I need some examples before I decide.

DH means well but his gifts are often either things that are for our joint benefit (like a family holiday or a board game), or relentlessly practical things (like bog standard supermarket tights, or some cheap shower gel ). It's part of his autism and also I expect having had an ex who was frugal to the point of extreme meanness. Even with a wish list (which I set up when he asked me to) he often buys something odd and frustrating. So I tend to set aside some money and buy myself a few gifts around December. He's got lots of other strengths but gift giving isn't one of them

Yet on MN, if the man dont read her mind and gets what she wants without telling him its LTB.
I mean after 20year he should know what she likes right.

Same goes for this post after 20 years op you must know something about him.
If in all that time you never got something he likes you havent really thought about it.

I think it’s so pompous when someone can’t just tell you what they’d like and expect you to always know. Even if you’ve been married for years it doesn’t mean you just know what they want every birthday and Christmas.

And yes, be gracious if you couldn’t be bothered to give ideas to help someone.

Honestly, I’m on the fence without more information. This could be a totally unreasonable thing for him to say, it could be an understandable outburst from someone totally at their limit.

Was this discussion today? It’s very late to have no idea what you’re buying for someone, which makes me sympathetic towards him!

That's an awful comment to make. My husband is difficult to buy presents for, something he realises. He will often give me a list of things he likes, and asks me to pick an item or two from the list. That way, he still gets a surprise but we then both know he'll like it. The fact your husband refuses to help you, by giving you ideas is ridiculous. I've been with my husband nearly 20 years, but I wouldn't have a clue what to buy him! It doesn't make me a horrible wife, it means he's very fussy and I'm more than likely to get it wrong!! There have been a few gifts that I have bought, off my own back, that I knew absolutely he'd like, but they've been far and few between.

In my experience whether one speaks up about this sort of thing is personality-dependent and has nothing to do with gender. Certainly I know some women who are very good at stating their boundaries from the off as well as men conditioned to be "stoic" and uncomplaining.

But I agree it's indicative of something deeper. As I always say on these threads, if you feel loved and cherished as the default all year round, birthday and Xmas gifts don't need to be a litmus test of it.

It depends entirely on what you’ve been giving him. If he’s an outdoor adventurer who lives in Patagonia and Birkenstocks and you’ve been buying him stone island and Fred Perry then he has a point.

or if he’s the type that gives a list of ideas and every year you go off piste because “you know better” then he may have a point

do you make an effort to buy him thoughtful gifts that you know he’ll love? Or are you a last minute generic voucher and mug giver?

depending on the answers either he is an dick who is about to leave you for someone else or you’re lazy and deserve to be called out.

This. If it’s true then it’s not an unreasonable thing to say, although blunt and he could have put it better. If you’ve put loads of effort in and he’s just being rude because he’s angry, he’s being unreasonable. If it’s the former, it’s time to sit down and talk, and listen to how he feels.

I'm hard to buy for so I give my DH a list of named items with links.

We found the stage of being able to just know what to buy each other lasted about 2 years before it came crashing down, presumably with the hormones.

If you are hard to buy for you need to own it, and communicate clearly, not grump secretly for 20 years.

There are constantly threads on here where OPs say their husbands always get them crap gifts and there are always plenty of replies from people who think the OP should say pretty much exactly what your husband said to you.

Personally I’d favour a more tactful approach.

However, I think we need some context here. What sort of things do you buy him? Does he buy nice things for you? Do you have other problems in your relationship - is he typically a good bloke or is he often unkind?

Been with my husband 18 years and I always ask him what he wants.

What did you buy him last christmas?

Also, what does he buy you

Before we judge him too harshly... what gifts have you got him in the past?

Tell him he should have spoken up at the time and you are giving him one last chance to give you an idea or he can roll the roulette wheel again. I would also say his comment before was mean and untrue but if he really thinks that then that's on him.

What gifts have you given him in the past? Did he say anything at the time. Tbh i do get fed up with poor gift givers and if it was my partner i would expect better. However, he ought to just let you know what he would like since you asked him. So he is being unreasonable but it may also be true that you are a rubbish gift giver.

Unfortunately the difference is women are conditioned to put up and shut up. Men aren't under the same pressure to do this - they do tend to speak up earlier. Thus if they suddenly have a change of heart it's odd.

In either scenario, the underlying problem isn't the Christmas present though. It's always about something fundamentally more significant in the relationship reaching a breaking point.

Hence my comment about there potentially being someone else.

Hmm when women post "he's never given me a decent gift in 20 years" on here they're normally given a lot of sympathy (and told to LTB).

In general I think if you suddenly object to a part of your partner's personality after 20 years, having not previously objected, you're being the arse. So yeah I'd be pissed off too OP. If your gifts weren't thoughtful enough he should've made that point at the start of the relationship.

There's someone else on his radar.

He looking to split at some point soon.

He's not said a word in twenty years and now he is?

Something else is up. It's not about this year's gift.

A lynx gift set? What did you get him last year?

Urgh- after 20 years you shouldnt be trying to guess gifts - our conversation around end of Nov - 'DW/DH, what would like you like for xmas? Well I would like a new lego set and some of that fudge I like,' 'ok I want some posh new wellies and a voucher for that restaurant we both like'. That's it. Wasting money on gifts people dont need or might not like is a waste of time. If I see something I know he will like while shopping I'll get it, but otherwise not. However, he is an arse for saying that to you. I've known my DH 20 years and he is a pain to buy for, hence the discussion!

He’s an arse. He doesn’t deserve anything.

Problem with birthdays and Christmas is that you are given stuff that you think “what am I meant to do with that”, or “I don’t need this, if I did, I would have bought it”.