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Original poster

Concerned about how much my brother and his partner eat and worried I won't have enough

516 replies

xAwaywiththefairiesx · 20/12/2025 18:32

My brother lives in a different part of the country to us and I don't see him much. We've never been close but I love him and have been trying to understand him better. He's awkward but does his best socially but he often rubs people up the wrong way or comes cross as selfish and feels terribly guilty when this is pointed out to him.

Him and his partner, who I've only met a couple of times, are coming to Christmas dinner at my house, there will be 14 of us in total and I'm making a big effort. Trouble is, they both eat a hell of a lot and if theres food available, they will simply eat it. I actually don't know if I can do enough to fully satisfy them to the point they'll stop, and have enough for everyone else. My oven simply isn't big enough.

Examples, at Christmas dinner at my mum's one year when DB was still single, he took my mum's serving plate and ped it with eight Yorkshires and 9 pigs in blankets, plus huge helpings of all the veg and meat. When it was pointed out in a friendly way that he had a lot there he acted as though people were just picking on him for eating too much and didn't get the point that several people were going without because he'd taken it all.

Another time he was at my house for dinner and I gave him a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs and he ate the lot plus an entire garlic bread baguette to himself, that I'd put on the table for everyone and then when my husband didn't finish his plate, he actually took my husband's plate and ate the leftovers from his plate. Then I made a sponge pudding and he ate half of it when it usually feeds the four of us with some left over, plus half a carton of custard.

At my sister's wedding, him and his partner got to the wedding buffet first and I am not exaggerating - they piled their plates with so much of the cheese, that there was hardly any left for others and the buffet was meant to feed 200 people, and they also had huge portions of everything else, then went back for second and thirds. My sister was horrified.

WWYD?

Suck it up and try and make sure there is enough?
Tell him exactly how much he can have?
Serve everyone their plates? (I don't like to do this, I like to do my roasts buffet style so people can choose what they would like)
Or something else?

Please don't roast me to hard, I do want my brother to feel welcome, I'm just worried I can't afford to feed him or will have enough space.

OP posts:
Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 21/12/2025 11:04

ForProudPinkPombear · 21/12/2025 10:57

Do you think your brother might be neurodivergent in any way? His lack of social skills could be part of that, plus the dopamine-seeking of overeating. This is not to you but to other repliers; have compassion for someone who eats perhaps beyond their control; the hormonal, psychological & & physical reasons for such are complex and calling someone a pig (pigs are amazing animals anyway) is cruel & unempathetic. We are designed to eat a lot, in fact humans are one of the most successful 'eaters' of all animals, it's part of the reason why we have become who we are. Shame can also lead to overeating & denial; it's a cycle that is easily reinforced. OP, you sound very considerate & caring; I think an element of honesty could help with your brother, but combined with understanding & non-judgement; making it a matter of logistics & affirming that you want them to be happy & satiated. Phrases like "I know you appreciate my cooking", I'm always happy to see my efforts appreciated, it's just about making sure I make enough food, but don't have waste.." Also you could go down the path of saying you're trying to go a bit more plant-based, or are aware of the impact on the planet of meat production could help keep costs down. Good luck!

Fantastic reply

StrawberrySquash · 21/12/2025 11:03

Walkietalkie7 · 20/12/2025 18:38

Or tell everyone else to arrive earlier and serve them 10mins beforehand

I don't even want to think about having people arriving while I'm plating up! It's a celebratory meal, not a canteen.

Bewareofstepfords · 21/12/2025 11:00

SchoolDilemma17 · 20/12/2025 18:42

I don’t believe two adults ate nearly all the cheese on a buffet meant to cater for 200 people.

ask them to bring food and buy a bit more than normal. Serve them last. I mean he is your brother and it’s Christmas, I assume you don’t want to uninvite him?

Why not when he and his partner are so incredibly greedy, selfish, thoughtless and rude?!

NooNooHead · 21/12/2025 10:59

I have a running joke with my DH as I never got over forgot the time my FIL got the jug of custard and poured nearly all of it over his Christmas pudding one year before anyone else had any.

I sat there looking 😵‍💫😳 and finding his lack of manners and social skills extremely rude, and it wound me up to the point where I think I wind my DH up by mentioning it on occasion 😅

My FIL was one of 8 children, who was brought up by a disengaged mother (a bit like OP and her brother), and his mother was a horrible person apparently who did the bear minimum with her effort. As a consequence, my FIl has probably never really been that au fait with basic manners etc. Plus, I'm pretty sure he's autistic too.

I mentioned the custard incident to my DH last night, and he excused his DF by saying they didn't have lots of guests for dinner much so FIL was just used to having half a jug of custard to himself. 😳🤨 Yeah, that's a valid excuse...! No, it's because he lacks basic consideration for others..it's inexcusable IMHO. Perhaps he and OP's brother should sit at a table together and see who grabs the biggest portion first 😉

ForProudPinkPombear · 21/12/2025 10:57

Do you think your brother might be neurodivergent in any way? His lack of social skills could be part of that, plus the dopamine-seeking of overeating. This is not to you but to other repliers; have compassion for someone who eats perhaps beyond their control; the hormonal, psychological & & physical reasons for such are complex and calling someone a pig (pigs are amazing animals anyway) is cruel & unempathetic. We are designed to eat a lot, in fact humans are one of the most successful 'eaters' of all animals, it's part of the reason why we have become who we are. Shame can also lead to overeating & denial; it's a cycle that is easily reinforced. OP, you sound very considerate & caring; I think an element of honesty could help with your brother, but combined with understanding & non-judgement; making it a matter of logistics & affirming that you want them to be happy & satiated. Phrases like "I know you appreciate my cooking", I'm always happy to see my efforts appreciated, it's just about making sure I make enough food, but don't have waste.." Also you could go down the path of saying you're trying to go a bit more plant-based, or are aware of the impact on the planet of meat production could help keep costs down. Good luck!

Blades2 · 21/12/2025 10:46

Tell your greedy bastard brother and his equally greedy partner, to mind their manners. Why are you allow g him to be rude and greedy?

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 21/12/2025 10:43

Personally I'd get some v high protein food - cold sliced meats, something unprocessed, maybe a pre cooked and sliced turkey crown served cold - and serve them as a starter, to try to fill them up a bit. Carbs will just make them want more carbs. Some people can eat crisps and cheese till the cows come home.

Itwasallyellow2 · 21/12/2025 10:42

In my experience people make excuses for what is sheer greed:

Just a big lad?
Going through a difficult time?
Lack of social skills?
Missed out on learning opportunities as a child?

As a previous poster said, some people are simply greedy at others’ expense and I wonder if the OP visited her brother’s house whether he would be generous with her and her family too?

I worked with a person once who would fill up only when others were paying or providing food. It’s greedy and tight behaviour and I would not enable it by providing even more.

RessicaJabbit · 21/12/2025 10:34

IndolentCat · 21/12/2025 10:33

Make a pot of root-vegetable soup as a starter- offer that plus a leafy salad, so that those with smaller appetites can nibble a bit of greenery and you can give your DB and his H a big bowl of soup with bread, and salad, before the main roast. Then plate up for everyone with the meat and trimmings, roast potatoes, and yorkshires, and let everyone help themselves to the sprouts 😅

The greedy git would just take loads anyway, more than their share.

IndolentCat · 21/12/2025 10:33

Make a pot of root-vegetable soup as a starter- offer that plus a leafy salad, so that those with smaller appetites can nibble a bit of greenery and you can give your DB and his H a big bowl of soup with bread, and salad, before the main roast. Then plate up for everyone with the meat and trimmings, roast potatoes, and yorkshires, and let everyone help themselves to the sprouts 😅

RessicaJabbit · 21/12/2025 10:31

Festivespirit85 · 21/12/2025 10:20

I was going to suggest to OP about Autism because of the lack of social skills around not thinking about others missing out.

Show quote history

No, just greedy selfish fuckerism.

bigboykitty · 21/12/2025 10:27

🙄

He knows he's taking all the food. He just doesn't care if others miss out.

Festivespirit85 · 21/12/2025 10:20

KrimboBell · 21/12/2025 07:58

I have a SIL like this - she is autistic and has a food obsession. When we are eating, if I put my knife and fork down between mouthfuls she says ‘ are you not going to eat that - I’ll have it?’ It drives me mad as she is continually scoping the table. I have told her several times that you’ll know when I’ve finished as I put my knife and fork together.

It sounds like no one has ever called him out on this behaviour. I think I’d be inclined to have a quiet word before the meal to establish a few boundaries.

I was going to suggest to OP about Autism because of the lack of social skills around not thinking about others missing out.

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 21/12/2025 10:14

I would:

  1. Have a lot of pre-dinner nibbles placed strategically near him and his partner. Crisps, nuts, biscuits, chocolate etc.
  2. Do lots of extra carbs. Maybe extra mash, new potatoes as well as roast potatoes and put those out on the table near him and his partner so they can help themselves.
  3. Plate up the best bits yourself, as well as anything else where there is limited amounts to go round (meat, pigs in blankets, yorkshires, roast potatoes)

If him and his partner have very little impulse control, they'll hopefully not be ravenous after eating the nibbles before dinner. By plating up, you're preventing them taking too much of the main parts of the dinner for themselves, and if they're still hungry after they have the option to help themselves to the extra carbs on the table.

(The reason I'm suggesting mash and new potatoes is I'm assuming like me you have limited oven space to do masses of roast potatoes, and both of those can be done on the stove.)

Original poster
xAwaywiththefairiesx · 21/12/2025 10:04

watermybegonias · 21/12/2025 08:52

PLEASE report back after Christmas and let us know how it went!

I will!!

OP posts:
Original poster
xAwaywiththefairiesx · 21/12/2025 10:02

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 21/12/2025 08:28

I have the opposite problem. A relative that will invite everyone round and lay out a buffet. They then sit there eying up exactly what everyone is putting on their plates and waiting to wisk all the food away “ to put in the fridge” in case it “ goes off”. I think this is equally as rude as your brothers excessive food consumption. I would plate up all the stuff you only have a certain amount of ie. Meat, pigs in blankets and roast potatoes then let people add their own veg gravy etc. with desert i would plate it up and hand it out.

Ooh I could never do this. I love feeding people and seeing everyone enjoying my food and feeling happy and full. It's also very important to me that people feel comfortable and welcome in my home.

I'd give my brother an entire turkey if I could. It's just a case of simply not having the fridge space and the oven space to do unlimited amounts of food.

In the past, I have hosted 18 people and he was one of them (no partner then) with no problem but in those days I lived elsewhere and I had a Rangemaster and a massive American Fridge. I miss that kitchen 🤣

I appreciate the suggestions of feeding them extra first but the thing is, I'm also doing an evening buffet so there's already so much food.

I think it's going to have to be a case of having the siblings on "Bill and Ben* watch" and distracting them enough to make sure they join the queue last 🤣 sibs all seem to be poised to embrace this role!

*All names are changed!

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 21/12/2025 09:59

When our family eat together we plate up the meat, sausages or pigs in blankets mainly because I don't eat a lot of meat and I'm fussy. The rest is on the table. Our family can eat a lot but no one would dream of taking too much.

Your DB and his partner are greedy, entitled and treat others with contempt. They won't change so you need to manage their access to the food.

Plate everything and make tons of vegetables.

RessicaJabbit · 21/12/2025 09:42

Chocja · 21/12/2025 09:41

Another option is to put some quick cooking extras in the oven after you are done with the main meal. Like a couple of trays of pre prepared dishes from Aunt Bessie’s so there are lots of Yorkshire puddings or whatever but they might not be as nice.

Do you do a starter? Could you put a few extras out then as well? Or some mince pies, chocolates, biscuits with a drink 30 minutes before dinner next to them?

I don’t think you are going to have a choice but to cook lots but I would serve up separately the bits that are expensive or you only have in smaller amounts.

what happens when your brother hosts? Does he supply enough food for everyone and themselves?

Why not just tell him he's a selfish greedy man?

Solves the problem.

RessicaJabbit · 21/12/2025 09:42

Why is it always men that can't see there's 20 potatoes and 5 people, so 4 is their share?

Or maybe that the jug if gravy might just be for everyone and maybe shouldn't take half the gravy for themselves.

Why do families not just call them out EVERY TIME?

Chocja · 21/12/2025 09:41

Another option is to put some quick cooking extras in the oven after you are done with the main meal. Like a couple of trays of pre prepared dishes from Aunt Bessie’s so there are lots of Yorkshire puddings or whatever but they might not be as nice.

Do you do a starter? Could you put a few extras out then as well? Or some mince pies, chocolates, biscuits with a drink 30 minutes before dinner next to them?

I don’t think you are going to have a choice but to cook lots but I would serve up separately the bits that are expensive or you only have in smaller amounts.

what happens when your brother hosts? Does he supply enough food for everyone and themselves?

RessicaJabbit · 21/12/2025 09:40

Just tell him to stop being a fucking greedy selfish dick.

Friendlyfart · 21/12/2025 09:38

I think you’ll have to serve the plates and put out a a lot of sides/nibbles.

one Xmas my relative took 7 roast potatoes and didn’t leave much for the rest of us. Now I make sure I cook much more than needed. We have him and DS who eat a lot (both skinny - DS particularly tall).

friedaddedchilli · 21/12/2025 09:33

You mention that his “selfishness” has been called out on previous occasions, and that he seems to have acknowledged it. That suggests that there’s an opportunity to have a frank, but lighthearted conversation about allocations. Something along the lines of “now everyone, I’ve allowed for eight roasties each, four pigs and two slices of turkey. Anyone exceeding their allocation will get a fork in the back of the hand. Oh, and a two second pour of the gravy each!”

There’s another angle here which seems to have been disregarded, and that’s hunger. As an ex big eater myself, I would feel properly anxious about not having enough food. I think it’s worth remembering that on some level they need this amount of food and to think about what you can offer to satisfy them in the way of additional extras.

JustAboutMuddlingThrough · 21/12/2025 09:27

RosesAndHellebores · 20/12/2025 18:42

Didn't your mother bring him up with sufficiently good manners not to behave like a pig at the table?

My ex mil definitely didn’t bring my exh up to not behave like a pig at the dinner table. In fact OP’s entire post could be written about that fat greedy bastard, but given my ex and ex sil live in the same town it can’t be about him

Hollietree · 21/12/2025 09:25

I would make an announcement as everyone is seated and the food is ready to be served:

“I hope you like it everyone. Just to let you know - there are 10 of us here and I’ve made 20 yorkies, so only take 2 each please, plus I’ve catered for everyone having 3 slices of turkey each, so please make sure everyone has a fair share!”

Then it doesn’t single out or shame anyone. Plus everyone at the table can police it if they see them grabbing more than their portion.

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