Concerned about how much my brother and his partner eat and worried I won't have enough

His and his xx

There's eating loads, and there's being greedy and taking 8 out of 12 pigs in blankets just for yourself on the first round when you know there's 6 people eating.

Having autism doesn't excuse the greed and selfishness and lack of manners

I don’t think I would invite someone that eats 9 pigs in blankets and 8 Yorkshire puddings when not everyone has their plates filled tbh. He’s greedy, that’s completely ludicrous. I’m not fat shaming but that’s properly greedy and selfish behaviour. If he knows then need that much food he should eat before he arrives or bring some additional snacks.

I literally cannot think of a solution to this, maybe you could quietly invite everyone else up to fill their plates first?

This is where I differ from many posters in that I would definitely not be buying and cooking more food in order to accommodate two specific people’s greedy behaviour. I would buy a normal amount and plate it up so that there was no option but for everyone to eat what they are given, which would be more than enough. No way would I be facilitating such selfishness.

I suspect brother and partner never host the family themselves and just live off other people’s generosity but I could be wrong. Maybe they are incredibly generous, buy the OP and her family lovely, thoughtful gifts and make sure the OP’s generosity is reciprocated later in the year. I doubt it though!

Just reading your updates. Does your brother have autism? Or show signs of autism. Or you and siblings have thought they are autistic. My nephew's are autistic and so is my BIL and DH. BIL, DH and one of the nephews do not recognise hunger or full cues. All 3 have to be reminded to eat (they don't recognise they are hungry) or else they go for nearly a whole day without eating. DN has an alarm to remind him to eat when away from home or school. DH once didn't eat for over 30hrs and never felt hungry.

On the other hand they also don't recognise when they are full and will keep eating until all the food is gone. I once went to an all you can eat buffet with BIL and DH and they ate 10 piled high platefuls before SIL and I told them to just stop as it was getting embarrassing. Mixed with parents who insisted on clean plates every meal time and times in childhood where food was scarce it is a perfect storm of binge disordered eating. All 3 are perfectly able to leave any food alone they don't like, but the ones they do like they will gorge and eat until it is gone. DH has been on a carnivore diet since last January (don't ask, more disordered eating) but is giving it up for Christmas and I just know he is going to absolutely gorge the Christmas food.

SIL and DN school have done a lot of work on portion sizes and appropriate amounts of food to eat (DN would eat his entire birthday cake in 1 go). DN, DH and BIL also go round asking people if they have finished eating things that they like and will take off plates - only with family as they have been told explicitly it is rude. DN would also do the same as your brother with the trifle and serve himself just the bit he liked but take the whole lot of the bit he liked without thinking about others.

Reminds me of my BIL for similar behaviour.
We were living abroad and family came to stay. Hosted a dinner all together and thought I would buy in food to save hassle. 20 people including 7 children so I bought 20 people’s worth of set meals from an excellent Lebanese place we knew. Should have been plenty because of the children eating less.

So lots of grilled meats and kofte etc with tons of baba ganoush, hummus, breads, cheeses.
BIL announced he was low carbing and took a mountain of the meat. ALL the grilled lamb and loads of the other meats. Probably 1/3 of all the meat. Sat and pontificated about how bad carbs are while we all made do with the bread and sides. 😒

Make a pot of root-vegetable soup as a starter- offer that plus a leafy salad, so that those with smaller appetites can nibble a bit of greenery and you can give your DB and his H a big bowl of soup with bread, and salad, before the main roast. Then plate up for everyone with the meat and trimmings, roast potatoes, and yorkshires, and let everyone help themselves to the sprouts 😅

Ooh I could never do this. I love feeding people and seeing everyone enjoying my food and feeling happy and full. It's also very important to me that people feel comfortable and welcome in my home.

I'd give my brother an entire turkey if I could. It's just a case of simply not having the fridge space and the oven space to do unlimited amounts of food.

In the past, I have hosted 18 people and he was one of them (no partner then) with no problem but in those days I lived elsewhere and I had a Rangemaster and a massive American Fridge. I miss that kitchen 🤣

I appreciate the suggestions of feeding them extra first but the thing is, I'm also doing an evening buffet so there's already so much food.

I think it's going to have to be a case of having the siblings on "Bill and Ben* watch" and distracting them enough to make sure they join the queue last 🤣 sibs all seem to be poised to embrace this role!

*All names are changed!

That would only work with normal people. Most don’t ’take their fill’ on pass one. It’s always a pleasure to take a few additional bits and pieces again later from the central serving bowls.
Which with these two at the end of the queue would already be scraped clean.
The only solution is strict portion control, at source, in the manner of a commercial kitchen. Or a cheap canteen. It’s sad.

Personally I'd be strategic as to not obviously offend. I'd plate everyone's meat up and put that on the table. Then I'd put DB and partner at the end of the table. Then pass the spuds to great Aunt June who is sat next to Uncle Pete and it gets passed around taking what they want until your brother and partner last. Same with the Yorkshires and stuffing and so on. That way they can finish what's in there but others have taken their fill first.

You aren't outwardly saying you are greedy but ensuring everyone gets something leaving DB and partner to overindulge with what's left.

Do you think your brother might be neurodivergent in any way? His lack of social skills could be part of that, plus the dopamine-seeking of overeating. This is not to you but to other repliers; have compassion for someone who eats perhaps beyond their control; the hormonal, psychological & & physical reasons for such are complex and calling someone a pig (pigs are amazing animals anyway) is cruel & unempathetic. We are designed to eat a lot, in fact humans are one of the most successful 'eaters' of all animals, it's part of the reason why we have become who we are. Shame can also lead to overeating & denial; it's a cycle that is easily reinforced. OP, you sound very considerate & caring; I think an element of honesty could help with your brother, but combined with understanding & non-judgement; making it a matter of logistics & affirming that you want them to be happy & satiated. Phrases like "I know you appreciate my cooking", I'm always happy to see my efforts appreciated, it's just about making sure I make enough food, but don't have waste.." Also you could go down the path of saying you're trying to go a bit more plant-based, or are aware of the impact on the planet of meat production could help keep costs down. Good luck!

Do you think your brother might be neurodivergent in any way? His lack of social skills could be part of that, plus the dopamine-seeking of overeating. This is not to you but to other repliers; have compassion for someone who eats perhaps beyond their control; the hormonal, psychological & & physical reasons for such are complex and calling someone a pig (pigs are amazing animals anyway) is cruel & unempathetic. We are designed to eat a lot, in fact humans are one of the most successful 'eaters' of all animals, it's part of the reason why we have become who we are. Shame can also lead to overeating & denial; it's a cycle that is easily reinforced. OP, you sound very considerate & caring; I think an element of honesty could help with your brother, but combined with understanding & non-judgement; making it a matter of logistics & affirming that you want them to be happy & satiated. Phrases like "I know you appreciate my cooking", I'm always happy to see my efforts appreciated, it's just about making sure I make enough food, but don't have waste.." Also you could go down the path of saying you're trying to go a bit more plant-based, or are aware of the impact on the planet of meat production could help keep costs down. Good luck!

I'd plate it up but I would plate two extra (maybe adjust to have more veg and less good stuff). Cover the two extras with foil.

Then when he and his partner have stuffed themselves and looking for seconds you can bring in the extra dinners for them.

You can make a joke of, "I knew you'd both eat double"

Do you think your brother might be neurodivergent in any way? His lack of social skills could be part of that, plus the dopamine-seeking of overeating. This is not to you but to other repliers; have compassion for someone who eats perhaps beyond their control; the hormonal, psychological & & physical reasons for such are complex and calling someone a pig (pigs are amazing animals anyway) is cruel & unempathetic. We are designed to eat a lot, in fact humans are one of the most successful 'eaters' of all animals, it's part of the reason why we have become who we are. Shame can also lead to overeating & denial; it's a cycle that is easily reinforced. OP, you sound very considerate & caring; I think an element of honesty could help with your brother, but combined with understanding & non-judgement; making it a matter of logistics & affirming that you want them to be happy & satiated. Phrases like "I know you appreciate my cooking", I'm always happy to see my efforts appreciated, it's just about making sure I make enough food, but don't have waste.." Also you could go down the path of saying you're trying to go a bit more plant-based, or are aware of the impact on the planet of meat production could help keep costs down. Good luck!

I would honestly to god tell him. I have made enough food for everyone, you are not going to put it all on your plate. It is selfish to do this so dont do it or you wont be invited ever again.

It seems like nobody has done this before, he needs it pointing out it is fucking rude!!