Concerned about how much my brother and his partner eat and worried I won't have enough

Me too. It is repulsive behaviour.

@MoltenLasagne , do you mind me asking what this type of disorder was? And he has a partner? I’m just wondering how as it makes him sound like a child.

Not to brag but given TrifleGate in the update I'm gonna say I called it and pretty much none of these suggestions will work. This man isn't hungry, he's greedy. He will not fill up on the cheap mash and veg. If he wants to make a beeline for the meat/good stuff there will be no stopping him. He wants what he wants, all for himself, and will leave what he doesn't want in favour of extra of what he does. Plate up the limited bits by all means but I envision a stressful day of people guarding their own plates while he rejects what's 'help yourself' on the table and he stares longingly at others' pigs in blankets like "you gonna eat that?"

DH's cousin is similar to this - in his case its a combination of physical and mental health issues, and can be exacerbated by whatever medication he's on. He's a genuinely lovely guy but I distinctly remember hosting him for the first time and him taking 6 people's worth of meat when there were only 10 of us.

That was 15 years ago now and he's improved a lot thanks to intervention from family, and his partner. He can still eat mindlessly and doesn't naturally consider the impact on others, but he has trained himself to not go near the food until everyone else has been served, and he always brings a lot of food because he's aware of how he is. We've still had occasions where he's gone to the kitchen for seconds and finished every last bit.

In your case, you need to act as the guard rails - pre-plating the key bits, calling people to the veg buffet in waves and making extras. If you're going to save back the meat bits for possible seconds, I'd put some carby things on the table to delay the inevitable. We found that DH's cousin would take a whole plate for himself if anything was in front of him, so would put e.g. 3 smaller bowls of Yorkshires on the table rather than one big serving dish. There was also a fair bit of working together from the other people round the table to manage him in the early days.

Its a difficult balance to strike and can sound infantilising but is probably better than the alternative. Its good if your family can help so that you're not hyper focused on it instead of the rest of the hosting. Good luck OP.

I wouldn’t invite him either.
My SIL is like him, I’ve never forgotten her digging into a big chocolate mousse that I’d made, she had the entire bowl in front of her. No, I never invited her again.

It’s a tricky situation and you sound like a caring family and don’t want to make a big deal spoiling Christmas Day. Definitely ask him and his partner to bring food (get them to bring cheese since they love it!). Have lots of carbs and easy starters, then plate up the main meal. Make two of these! https://www.taste.com.au/recipes/cheese-bacon-cob-loaf/4f21cd3e-5cc0-4d80-bcb6-8a2f322987c0

I'd plate it up but I would plate two extra (maybe adjust to have more veg and less good stuff). Cover the two extras with foil.

Then when he and his partner have stuffed themselves and looking for seconds you can bring in the extra dinners for them.

You can make a joke of, "I knew you'd both eat double"

😂

I’m with the PP who suggested making a pot of soup. A lot of the veg for a decent potato or veggie soup would be cheap right now. Whether you have it as a starter or an hour or two before the main meal, that depends on when you think works best. Lots of rolls or bread with it too for them at least.

Then I would plate up the meat and Yorkies for everyone to have a portion and maybe extra on the table knowing they would both likely have all of it but at least everyone else has a good portion each as well. If they’re hungry after that they can go back for more soup.

I imagine that OP does not want a major confrontation on Christmas Day over her db's lifelong eating disorder. People suggesting that she tell him off for his greed are not helping.

I imagine your db and his partner don't 'fill up', so trying to fill them up is probably a waste of money.

Some of the strategies suggested are great, like plating up meat and potatoes and anything limited and expensive (like cheese!) or particular family favourites .

The trick is to serve them last. Once everyone else has as much as they want on their plates, the stakes are lower when the vultures descend.

Everyone there knows what db and partner will eat everything in sight, so they'll know what to expect.

You're so generous to have them over and I hope that managing their eating doesn't cast a shadow over your day. Happy Christmas.

Tell them you are preparing food for everyone but given their appetites and the portion sizes they are used to they will need to bring their own food.

The way you describe the eating habits sounds like they have a problem

They sound like they are eating for eating’s sake rather than a need or as part of a social celebration

I don’t think you should try to cover their appetites because it wouldn’t matter what food was on offer they would just eat and eat until it was gone and still want more

@xAwaywiththefairiesx in terms of the stress, time and costs of cooking huge amounts of food to account for you DB and DBIL, can your other family members (all sisters?) bring a dish? Say one sis brings an extra roast the other an extra pud? Even your mum/stepdad is they can.

All you have to do is fill up there plate yourself. Make enough for 14.

If they are hungry they can have crisps and other shite

Same here. If you were offered some cake say, and there were two very unequal slices going, you'd take the smaller without a second thought, no matter how much you craved that cake.
Tricky line to hold, as it can blur into self-abnegation verging on martyrdom of course! (Cue jokes about Irish/Jewish mammies) It’s only about good manners and social behaviour, nothing more.

But it’s quite a shock to learn how just many people there are who'd always take the larger slice, on the grounds that prioritising one’s own desires is the path to follow in life.
This man and his partner might share some pathology, mental or physical, which causes this gluttony but that doesn’t excuse being blind to the way it deprives everyone else.

we have someone such as your brother in our family. Solution: I used to cook loads of extra potatoes and when serving I would pile loads on his plate. Throughout the dinner I would offer more potatoes and pour on loads more gravy.

I would make something like fresh ramen noodles so he couldn't pig out

Not mentioning it isn't doing them any favours

I am baffled by these replies about how OP will have to cook five times as much as usual, or concoct strategies to fill them up with something in advance. What in God's name?

You absolutely can say something and you should. You're an adult, babying other grown adults who have no regard for you.

So, food. you asked

WWYD?

I am guessing there are various factors, the cost of food, but also the time to prepare it, storage space, especially for chilled or frozen food.

I know you have had a lot of answers already and so what I am going to say may be a repeat! And I really like this advice "Ask him and his partner to bring grazing nibbles as their contribution. Nuts, crackers, dips, etc. Just have them out buffet style for an hour or so first."

As others have said, I would make sure the main meal is plated up in the kitchen on Christmas day and any other main meals likewise. Serve the plates to people and don't make the dishes of food available generally. If you brother and his partner are quick eaters I would serve others first so they don't come back for seconds before everyone else has food. You can do this easily by going around the table clockwise or anti clockwise depending on where they sit.

As others have said do lots of veg and potatoes, one of the supermarkets has big bags of spuds for 15p! Maybe put a second or third tray of spuds in and a tray of roasted carrots and parsnips in the oven when you are eating so those can be leftovers or for any buffet.

I know fridge and freezer space are a premium over Christmas so have a supply of extra items that are both cheap and have long use by dates - sponge puddings or chocolate sponge (bomb), part-baked bread etc. So if your brother or any guests are still hungry later there are some carbs to fill up on! And if you want to be nice and healthy-eating minded have plenty of apples and tangerines in a bowl as those are cheap.

Keep the chocolates and special items out of sight, you don't need to supply this for all guests all the time, they will most likely get their own as presents anyway!

Have a wonderful Christmas, I think you deserve it. XX

Plate the meat /yorkie/pigs and say helps self to veg

8 yorkies one time ? Do anyone else not had any ? I would never cook that many extra

i usually do 2 each and that’s it

It does sound like he has some sort of binge eating disorder, to start with. But also a strange social obliviousness - how can an adult not see that taking a huge portion, or leaving other people without food is rude?

I was taught from childhood that in social situations like Xmas, you take the smallest amount that you can, first. You take less than you usually might in order to give others a fair share. And then when everyone has been served, you can have your 'seconds' or top up to whatever you might consider a normal portion.

I would never try to solve this by just cooking more. If I saw someone load up a humongous plate on Christmas Day I would physically stop them and ask them what the hell they were doing, and why they felt they needed 6 portions. I would completely embarrass them if I had to, it's just not on.

xAwaywiththefairiesx

I am very sorry you had such a hard time growing up with our mum and alcoholic step dad.

I can completely image how this has impacted you and has probably been the reason behind your brothers eating problem.

I'm glad your brother has found someone to be happy with, but sorry he has the problem with eating.

I have OCD, it's very mild and has not ruled my life but it has contributed greatly to my overeating (disorder). I have been struggling with this for years and I completely understand how overeating can affect people.

I think in the very long run it would be wonderful if you brother came to realise his issues and tackle them, and maybe one day you can support him in that, but Christmas is not the time to tackle it.

@xAwaywiththefairiesx I agree with earlier comments, fill them up before dinner with loads of snacks and goodies. Then for the main even I'd definitely plate their food. Sorry but you need to. Even if you only plate there's tell them they're guests of honour as you don't get the privilege of having them over often and so you want to spoil them and not have them have the hassle of plating their own.

Make sure to do an extra saucepan of soup for them and load them with soup and bread before the main course.

I think you’ll have to plate it up - buffet sounds lovely but you will be anxious about them taking too much. You can list what is on offer and check whether folk want ‘a bit of everything’ or not. Agree about extras on the table and still keep things back for Boxing Day if you need to - one plate of food each is enough and seconds should definitely be a bonus not an expectation.

Some people just can't read the room/genuinely don't seem to notice stuff. I'm not excusing selfishness/rudeness, or trying to diagnose a condition online, but it is true that some adults seem to respond well to having things just pointed out as if they're 4. And some of these people are super smart, too. So plating things up, clearly saying we've only got x much of this, providing lots of cheaper stuff on stand by might help.