Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

490 replies

winterhaze · 20/12/2025 10:37

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 20/12/2025 12:15

Hugs to you for today.

Money does things to a lot of people, and often they feel entitled to a share when other people have some. A firm ‘no’ is all they need. You don’t owe them an explanation.

PoppysAunt · 20/12/2025 12:15

Heyhelga · 20/12/2025 12:04

Nope mixing money and friends is always recipe for a fallout. I also don't like the way she sends you voice messages.

I was thinking the same, she seems not just greedy and thoughtless, but quite manipulative as well.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 20/12/2025 12:15

Good grief no.

PoppysAunt · 20/12/2025 12:14

thisoneiscalledbluebellsinpastels · 20/12/2025 12:05

She is likely now acknowledging your loss because you havent given her a "yes" answer yet, so she is trying to be super nice and creep around you to encourage you to give her the answer she wants.

This woman is using you and I wouldnt trust her as far as I could throw her. She has pound signs in her eyes, not genuine care for you.

I agree with this. Don't respond. Just take some time for yourself today.

LilyBunch25 · 20/12/2025 12:13

I'm sorry but vultures was the first word that came into my mind....I'm very sorry for your loss, and I think your "friend/s" should take a running jump.

Jasmin71 · 20/12/2025 12:12

Hard No. I am so sorry for your loss. Your friend is totally out of order and will become dependent on you unless you nip this in the bud straight away.

Redburnett · 20/12/2025 12:11

A definite no to that request.
However if I wanted her as a companion to go on a holiday with (rather than going alone) I would happily subsidise it if I could afford to and she was hard up.

JetFlight · 20/12/2025 12:10

She’s crossing a real boundary here. This isn’t usual at all, even between family members (exceptions, of course)
”no” is the only correct response.

FollowSpot · 20/12/2025 12:10

winterhaze · 20/12/2025 11:38

Hi everyone. Thanks for your replies. Wading through them now. She did just message me about 30 mins ago acknowledging my DH's passing. But I've not had the energy to think/respond to her request as I'm feeling wiped out. It's a no, to be clear. But it's more just the shock of it - rather than the request itself. I respect that she's been there for me over the years, so it took me by surprise. Agreed with the PPs who said that 3 years is no time at all.

Yes, it would have been a shock,

And it's hard to get your head around an out of the blue thing like that when you are deep in grief and memory and un-nameable feelings.

I am glad she has been there for you through hard times, but that kind of support should never be transactional. Friends support for emotional issues is unconditional. It puts you under no obligation whatsoever to consider 'support' in the form of your money.

Yes, mutual emotional / listening support.

And yes sometimes friends reciprocally lend each other money.

But emotional support should never ever leverage financial support. That's a definition of toxic in my mind.

Take care of yourself today. Turn your phone off if it helps, and I am sorry that her inappropriate request crashed into your anniversary day.

Deafnotdumb · 20/12/2025 12:09

No is a complete word.
Here's a handhold and a hug. I don't think grief ever goes away, but it always feels sharper on an anniversary.
I am sorry for your loss.

thisoneiscalledbluebellsinpastels · 20/12/2025 12:05

winterhaze · 20/12/2025 11:38

Hi everyone. Thanks for your replies. Wading through them now. She did just message me about 30 mins ago acknowledging my DH's passing. But I've not had the energy to think/respond to her request as I'm feeling wiped out. It's a no, to be clear. But it's more just the shock of it - rather than the request itself. I respect that she's been there for me over the years, so it took me by surprise. Agreed with the PPs who said that 3 years is no time at all.

She is likely now acknowledging your loss because you havent given her a "yes" answer yet, so she is trying to be super nice and creep around you to encourage you to give her the answer she wants.

This woman is using you and I wouldnt trust her as far as I could throw her. She has pound signs in her eyes, not genuine care for you.

Squeeky112 · 20/12/2025 12:05

I am sorry for your loss.
The answer has to be no. She will suck your finances dry. Choosing to quit her job, sponge of you, and do fuck all is no life for you - you are not responsible for her. She can make her own decisions, choose her own path, life her best life... but not at your expense.
I'm sorry that you have such a person in your life - you deserve better.

Heyhelga · 20/12/2025 12:04

Nope mixing money and friends is always recipe for a fallout. I also don't like the way she sends you voice messages.

ShowMeTheSushi · 20/12/2025 12:02

Sorry for your loss. Please don’t lend money unless you’re fully prepared not to get it back. “A few months” can easily turn into many months or even years, and money between friends often damage relationships.

You’re not responsible for fixing other people’s lives, and you’re allowed to say no, without guilt or explanation. Right now, protecting yourself and your own stability has to come first.

AdjustingVideoFrameRate · 20/12/2025 12:01

I’m so sorry about your husband (I went through the same things after my first DH died, so have some idea what it’s like).

I would say sorry, but no. This friend does not sound particularly supportive of you or sensitive, and the fact that you’ve known her for a long time is not that relevant - it’s the way people behave now, not the length of time you’ve known them that matters. If she had been amazingly supportive after your DH died, that might be different.

Also she seems to be just assuming you have money to spare, when she doesn’t know anything about your private finances, and nor should she. Plus she hasn’t told you exactly why she needs money.

I would just politely say no, you can’t do this at the moment due to other financial commitments - no need to go into detail or make excuses.

Wishing you all the best.

Bayroot1 · 20/12/2025 12:00

I hope you have better friends than these grifters?

Ooodelally · 20/12/2025 12:00

I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.

Your “friends” sound awful, grabbing, CF’s. I wouldn’t even dignify the more recent request with a response tbh. Let her stew on what a ridiculous ask that was…

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 20/12/2025 11:59

Glad you've decided not to fund this. Lots of truth and good advice from previous posters.
Very old and wise saying "Neither a borrower or lender be".
💐 For a difficult time.

Createausername1970 · 20/12/2025 11:55

Give it as a gift - if you want to. Never lend money to anyone, even a friend.

If they chose to pay the gift back, that's up to them and a bonus for you.

But you are not being unreasonable to say no. You are now solely responsible for your future financial security, so do not feel obligated to part with anything you don't want to.

Sorry for your loss.

Calamitousness · 20/12/2025 11:54

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a massive hard No. I wouldn’t give support to family to do that either. It’s not like she’s been made homeless or jobless and wants to stay. She wants to have a lovely time on your dime. Hell naw!

Dollymylove · 20/12/2025 11:54

I never fail to be astonished by the CFery of some people!!
A big fat no to your friend. If she wants to travel she can bloody pay for it herself!!

custardcreme77 · 20/12/2025 11:53

OP, the whinging ‘friend’ is at liberty, any time, to take a career break / give up her employment to fulfill her aspirations to travel.

However, she’ll have to fund that lifestyle herself! If she puts as much effort into saving up and / or getting an extra job to finance her dream and ongoing commitments as she puts into the numerous whingy messages she sends you, she may get somewhere!

She’s got a flipping cheek!!

Jacopo · 20/12/2025 11:51

My husband died in 2021.
Of course you must say no. Accompanied by words to the effect that you cannot believe that she would think of making such a request.
If she ever tries this again, cut her out of your life.

Fiftyandme · 20/12/2025 11:51

I’m so sorry about your DH passing away.

I think you need to step back from making any kind of decision on this for now to instead focus on what you need for yourself right now.

This is potentially a friendship ending decision either way, but if it were me I’d say ‘no’

ThisJadeBear · 20/12/2025 11:50

Probablyshouldntsay · 20/12/2025 11:47

Block her

That’s the best advice in two words.