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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

490 replies

winterhaze · 20/12/2025 10:37

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 20/12/2025 13:23

A simple
No I can't help you with that

PigeonsandSquirrels · 20/12/2025 13:21

Just say ‘why would I do that? You are an adult’.

Horses7 · 20/12/2025 13:20

Just NOOOOO! You don’t know what your own future will be like and what financial commitments you may need money
Don't let anyone guilt trip you into giving this money away - you know you’ll never get it back don’t you?

Freeme31 · 20/12/2025 13:14

Sorry for your loss OP. I think you just have to say whilst you value the friendship you will not be lending money as all your money is spoken for

StudentDays · 20/12/2025 13:12

I have an old friend, priort to her husbands passing they offered (I didn't ask) me a loan, I declined as just felt wrong (we knew at that stage about the illness).

I share everything with this friend but just a gut feel that getting involved financially is never a good idea, unless it was an emergency of not being able to feed a child.

In her 'defense' is she peri menopausal and not thinking straight?

Biskieboo · 20/12/2025 13:12

I've never heard anything quite like that. When I read the title I thought it was going to be that your friend had met with some sort of misfortune and needed tiding over until she was back on her feet, not that she just can't be arsed with work and wants to loaf about a bit. What a leech!

DahlsChickenz · 20/12/2025 13:12

I'm so sorry OP - this was a totally inappropriate ask on her part. If she really thinks you have money from the passing of your husband and expects you to spend that on her then she's no friend, because a friend would NEVER expect another to fund their lifestyle in that manner. She's a user looking for an opportunity, and she doesn't care at all for your loss or grief.

I would respond with a very short message - something like 'I'm not in a position to financially support another person'. I would personally then block (or at least mute & archive her chat, so you only have to engage on your terms). In my opinion she's ruined the friendship with this ask.

If you don't want to block her I would still reduce contact and keep her at arms length for a bit, to protect yourself from her trying to apply any pressure on you to change your mind.

Getdne · 20/12/2025 13:09

How absolutely appalling of her.
I would 100% be rethinking that friendship and others.
So glad to read that it is a resounding No to her.
Bloody hell, 3 years is nothing in grieving terms.

MayaPinion · 20/12/2025 13:08

You could reply with something lighthearted like, ‘Ha, Phylis, if I had that sort of money to burn I’d be quitting my job and going on a world tour myself!’

Middlemarch123 · 20/12/2025 13:08

I’m sorry for your loss.
Can’t believe the bare faced cheek of your ‘friend.’ What a nerve. You’re not a bank, fgs.

I couldn’t be friends with her anymore.
Focus on yourself from now on. 22 years is a long time I know, but I wouldn’t spend another 22 seconds on the cheeky mare!
Either cut her off, or fade her out. If you still want to see her, shut down any money talk, ands split bills for cuppas etc.
I hope you have as nice a Christmas as possible.

Breadcat24 · 20/12/2025 13:07

Sorry for your loss
What a parasite you friend is

toomuchcrapeverywhere · 20/12/2025 13:06

I’m very sorry for your loss, but please say no. When my Mum did a friend of mine thought I should let her live in my Mum’s house, rent free, for an indefinite period of time. Yes, she was in a financial mess but this was all of her own making. Your “friend” sound similar.

simpsonthecat · 20/12/2025 13:05

winterhaze · 20/12/2025 11:38

Hi everyone. Thanks for your replies. Wading through them now. She did just message me about 30 mins ago acknowledging my DH's passing. But I've not had the energy to think/respond to her request as I'm feeling wiped out. It's a no, to be clear. But it's more just the shock of it - rather than the request itself. I respect that she's been there for me over the years, so it took me by surprise. Agreed with the PPs who said that 3 years is no time at all.

Poor you, to get this on the anniversary of your husband. My commiserations, grief is ongoing but you really don't need this today of all days.

Personally, I would literally ignore your friend's message. Silence is sometimes far far more powerful than saying anything

💐

Igmum · 20/12/2025 13:03

So sorry for your loss Flowers. And definitely say no. I don’t think she thinks of you as a friend any more, just someone who is rich. She’s clearly been building up to this for a long time. It’s so sad that your bereavement prompted this reaction in her. If she no longer sees you as a real person with real feelings she may be less likely to pay you back.

Allthesnowallthetime · 20/12/2025 13:03

@binkie163

That's truly awful! I lost my dad recently too. Can't imagine how horrible it must be to have people trying to take advantage in such circumstances.

(Do you have rabbits?)

Nearlyhealthy · 20/12/2025 13:03

Hard no to the ‘friend’.
Please give yourself a big hug xx

MySilentLions · 20/12/2025 13:02

ShawnaMacallister · 20/12/2025 12:28

I'd be clear that it's a completely inappropriate request too, don't just say no.

'friend, this is a very strange and inappropriate thing to ask. I'm not able or willing to financially support anyone else. I'll pretend you haven't asked this and we don't have to mention it again'.

This is well put. Combine with the previous one. What a cheeky fucker she is!

ClairDeLaLune · 20/12/2025 13:01

So sorry for your loss @winterhaze 3 years is no time at all.

Sorry also that you have such an insensitive and cheeky so-called friend. I can’t believe anyone would have the gall to ask that.

You need to shut her down now and for any future requests. Say to her it’s a definite no and say you’d appreciate it if she never asked again. Don’t include the word “sorry” in your reply, because you shouldn’t be sorry.

WinterBerry40 · 20/12/2025 12:59

" Sorry but the answer is no , it will always be no so there is nothing more to say about it "

cestlavielife · 20/12/2025 12:59

No.
You are not responsible for her.
You will never see the money again.

Gazelda · 20/12/2025 12:58

She’s asked for money for selfish reasons
she didn’t acknowledge how difficult today could be for you
she didn’t give you the courtesy/respect to ask you face to face but sent a voicenote!

block her. She has shown you a startling lack of compassion and understanding.

RunningJo · 20/12/2025 12:58

I can’t imagine in any circumstance asking a friend to fund my lifestyle choices. Beyond rude.
I’m glad your answer is no, OP. She should never have put you in this position, that’s not a friend.

KimuraTan · 20/12/2025 12:58

I voted YABU in response to you even considering supporting your negative Nancy friend.

I am so sorry for your loss and you inconsiderate friend is not deserving of your help - no matter how long you’ve known her for. Let her sort her own life out. You may need the money for your own care or medical expenses.

binkie163 · 20/12/2025 12:58

I am so sorry that not only have you lost your husband but that your friend thinks it's a good time to ponce cash off you. I lost my dad 4 months ago and someone asked me how much I would inherit and if they could get a loan!! People really lose their manners where money is concerned. It's very ugly that they consider your loss an opportunity.

tikkl · 20/12/2025 12:58

It's horrible that she would even ask this of you and put you in this position. She is not your friend.

If you were even considering this in the short term (and I'm glad to see you're not) and could afford to lose the money, then it would still be a really terrible idea. Because it will go on forever, not just a vague "few months." She will quit her job and then be unable (or "unable") to find another one. And she will play the poor-me card, and assume it's your responsibility to continue bankrolling her indefinitely. If you stop then you will be "making her homeless, and how could any decent person do that?!" You will either be massively guilt tripped, or be stuck with her as a dependant forever.

So please never start giving her financial support. As far as she's concerned, there will never be a good reason for you to stop. She feels completely entitled to your money.