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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband opens my mail

128 replies

allaboutperspective · 20/12/2025 08:47

Just a sense check. AIBU? My husband opens my mail, including professional magazine subscriptions, and bins it/puts in recycling before I have seen it. I’ve explained this feels controlling and asked him not to do this. He said I was being negative and critical, and he does it to avoid mess. I have asked him not to do this before.
We both work full time, house is minor messy, pretty tidy considering we have kids, we also have a cleaner once a week.

YABU: He has the right to open and chuck it.

YANBU: He should leave the mail alone if addressed to his wife.

OP posts:
MarmaladeSandwich7 · 20/12/2025 09:16

Bad enough that he opens your mail but even worse that he bins/recycles before you can even read it! That’s awful & needs to stop OP.

LaMelodieduBonheur · 20/12/2025 09:13

My husband used to do similar..... I think his parents had a very relaxed attitude to that sort of thing, whereas mine didn't: only the named person opened their own mail. I pulled him up on it a few times and he stopped doing it. I would say your problem is not so much that he does it, but that you have asked him not to and he still does it, which unsurprisingly makes you feel disrespected. Is it the only problem you have or are there other signs of disrespect in your relationship?

Fibrous · 20/12/2025 09:13

This is a massive invasion of privacy, just like looking through someone’s phone. We would never do this in our household.

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2025 09:12

jannier · 20/12/2025 09:10

It is see Postal services act 2000....unless you have the power of attorney.

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It only becomes an offence if you then go on to use the contents to defraud etc.

MyTrivia · 20/12/2025 09:12

Pretty sure it’s illegal to open other peoples post….

Lifejigsaw · 20/12/2025 09:11

jannier · 20/12/2025 09:10

It is see Postal services act 2000....unless you have the power of attorney.

Show quote history

Still not a criminal offence unless you have malicious intent ie to defraud.

dontmalbeconme · 20/12/2025 09:11

He doesn't have the right to open your mail. However, he does have the right to be cross if you leave your unopened mail strewn around and leave the house a mess. Simple solution would be a folder (stored neatly away) that your mail could be put into until you look at it (with the caveat that it's reasonable to expect you to deal with it (action/file/bin) within a couple of days).

I don't ever think that mail opening is OK, but neither is leaving clutter like unopened mail strewn around.

jannier · 20/12/2025 09:10

Lifejigsaw · 20/12/2025 09:07

No it isn’t

Show quote history

It is see Postal services act 2000....unless you have the power of attorney.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 20/12/2025 09:08

Out of curiosity - is he in the same profession as you? I'm wondering why he thinks he can decide that you do or do not need to read your professional magazines. For all he knows they contain information that would be really useful to you.

But anyway it's totally up to you alone what should happen with all of your post.

Lifejigsaw · 20/12/2025 09:07

Satisfiedkitty · 20/12/2025 09:00

Opening someone else's mail, without permission, is a criminal offence

No it isn’t

smallsilvercloud · 20/12/2025 09:06

He should leave it alone, especially as you’ve already told him before. My ex Fil is like this to mil, he also controls everything they do, probably more severe but this reminds me of that.

JohnofWessex · 20/12/2025 09:02

Are there any other issues with him?

Has he started doing it recently or has it been going on for some time?

Satisfiedkitty · 20/12/2025 09:00

Opening someone else's mail, without permission, is a criminal offence

jannier · 20/12/2025 08:58

Come on open the can what else does he do? There must be more no way does he just act like a twat on this ....and his reply shows hes got other controlling habits....negativley get his things and bin them to cut down on mess.

Icantsaythis · 20/12/2025 08:57

I would lose my shit how dare he. My husband and I both have wardrobes and filing cabinets I don’t touch his and he doesn’t touch mine!

WinterBerry40 · 20/12/2025 08:56

My dh doesn't open mail ( including his own ) so I do it . I'll say you've got a magazine / leaflet from xxx company or xxx has a sale on and he might say bin it without seeing it . But everything else I put to the side for him to go through .
He jokes he does the bins and I do the admin , our job distribution !

LadyFriend · 20/12/2025 08:56

We open each other’s mail, well it’s mostly me as I’m the one at home before DH. Neither of us minds and we don’t open anything like eg birthday cards. I might not show him everything, eg if the sky bill is increasing or we get some bank T&Cs in the post. I would probably just mention anything like that later. DH also gets a subscription magazine and I definitely wouldn’t throw it away.

This is something you both have to be happy about, and you're not, which is fair enough.

Springtimehere · 20/12/2025 08:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 20/12/2025 08:55

I open my husband’s mail because if it was up to him it would sit on the side for a month. I only chuck junk though everything else goes opened on his desk for him to sort.

TwistedWonder · 20/12/2025 08:53

Of course it’s controlling behaviour. How fucking dare he

Is he controlling in other ways?

Owly11 · 20/12/2025 08:52

oh come on you fucking well know the answer to this. Stop explaining to him he knows damn well he shouldn't do. Where is your anger op?

Mischance · 20/12/2025 08:51

Tell him you plan to do the same with his mail. See what he says.

SucksToBeYou · 20/12/2025 08:50

Do the same to him. Or get a mailbox on the front of your house and dont give him a key.

Luxio · 20/12/2025 08:50

How bloody weird. Why does he consider your stuff mess?

OneLilacHare · 20/12/2025 08:50

Be firm on the fact he should not be opening your mail. However if he has a high need for tidyness you could get a mail rack / magazine tidy where it is put away neatly until you can look at it.