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AIBU?

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Original poster

Uninvited child turned up

286 replies

Imjustshockedx · 20/12/2025 03:52

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

OP posts:
HipHopDontYouStop · 20/12/2025 08:09

@pogletsbar let’s not call kids parasites. Truly nasty.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 20/12/2025 08:07

A little kindness to the girl with the batty mother would not go amiss here. No need for ongoing drama.

Gloriia · 20/12/2025 08:07

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 20/12/2025 07:57

She’s a twelve year old child who has already been humiliated by her mum.

I would be offering her some kindness and not exclude her from the whole group plans.

Show quote history

This. I've had kids turn up uninvited and just shrugged it off for the kids sake. Yes the mum is pushy and entitled but the poor kid.
Just always be the better person.
I surprised they had a party room, at 12 isn't it usually the cinema and sleepovers?

Notsolax · 20/12/2025 08:06

This reply has been deleted

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Notsolax · 20/12/2025 08:06

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Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 20/12/2025 07:57

CalculatingCrispen · 20/12/2025 07:29

And?

Actions have consequences. The other girl behaved appallingly - how else would the mother know where to take her unless she had been whining on about not being invited and given her mum the info of where the party was?

So if OP's daughter decides she doesn't want her in her OWN HOME, then she has the right to make that decision.

Show quote history

She’s a twelve year old child who has already been humiliated by her mum.

I would be offering her some kindness and not exclude her from the whole group plans.

Crofthead · 20/12/2025 07:55

IstillloveKingThistle · 20/12/2025 07:50

It is very cheeky and incredibly entitled behaviour.
My DS is in his first year of secondary and whilst nowhere to the level of CF you experienced - we keep having random children come home on the bike with our child. Uninvited and meaning I have an extra person to worry about - and it is then waiting for their parents to pick them up. I don’t entertain it : I have told my children that these kids live in the opposite direction to us and that they need to go home - especially now it’s dark so early .
It feels like free childcare.
Sorry for going off topic but there are a lot of piss takers for parents out there and good you stood your ground.
To add- I am astounded at how many eleven year old children that are just allowed to ‘ roam streets ‘ and do what they like at weekends and holidays . It’s a new thing to me and something that I have only ever seen with this year group since starting secondary.

Did you not have freedom when you were 11? I agree it’s annoying but it’s not a new thing? If anything it’s in decline

Crofthead · 20/12/2025 07:53

did you message the mother afterwards and tell her that her behaviour was unacceptable and you didn’t appreciate the pressure she put you under ?

Dontyoulooktired · 20/12/2025 07:52

Francestein · 20/12/2025 04:39

I think you should send an email to the school counsellor and head teacher about this situation. Explain everything as per your post and explain to them that the mother's entitled behaviour may cause social problems for her daughter in the future.

This would be absolutely fucking mental and the school would think OP was a complete nutjob. It’s got nothing to do with the school.

Ellie1015 · 20/12/2025 07:50

Unacceptable behaviour by them both, particularly the mother. However I would not allow 7 out of 8 to be invited to the house. You made your point on the day and she didnt get to join in, I would say to my dd she is invited to the whole school group at your house. Ir if she really doesnt want to then none of them come.

IstillloveKingThistle · 20/12/2025 07:50

It is very cheeky and incredibly entitled behaviour.
My DS is in his first year of secondary and whilst nowhere to the level of CF you experienced - we keep having random children come home on the bike with our child. Uninvited and meaning I have an extra person to worry about - and it is then waiting for their parents to pick them up. I don’t entertain it : I have told my children that these kids live in the opposite direction to us and that they need to go home - especially now it’s dark so early .
It feels like free childcare.
Sorry for going off topic but there are a lot of piss takers for parents out there and good you stood your ground.
To add- I am astounded at how many eleven year old children that are just allowed to ‘ roam streets ‘ and do what they like at weekends and holidays . It’s a new thing to me and something that I have only ever seen with this year group since starting secondary.

Catwalking · 20/12/2025 07:50

euff · 20/12/2025 07:42

It is absolutely fine not to invite this child. Support your DD and maintain boundaries. Doing otherwise just tells them to keep going as their methods work. DD is not asking for the girl to be excluded to be mean or rub it in her face but because this girl has now made her uncomfortable. She does sound like she would still turn up though.

Agreeing wholeheartedly with this.

Hope the next party is a total success.

SharyBobbins · 20/12/2025 07:46

Francestein · 20/12/2025 04:39

I think you should send an email to the school counsellor and head teacher about this situation. Explain everything as per your post and explain to them that the mother's entitled behaviour may cause social problems for her daughter in the future.

OP please don't do this. It's nothing to do with the school.

euff · 20/12/2025 07:42

It is absolutely fine not to invite this child. Support your DD and maintain boundaries. Doing otherwise just tells them to keep going as their methods work. DD is not asking for the girl to be excluded to be mean or rub it in her face but because this girl has now made her uncomfortable. She does sound like she would still turn up though.

BogRollBOGOF · 20/12/2025 07:42

I would revoke the invitation.
The girl's behaviour was poor and if she doesn't respond appropriately to words like "no" at age 12, she's a liability that I would not want the responsibility for looking after.

Ultimately the girl and her mother ruined the previous event and it's absolutely fair for OP's daughter to not want the girl there again.

People pleasing won't fix anything in the girl's life and OP's daughter shouldn't have to suffer the consequences to pander to cheeky fuckers. Long term understanding the word "no" and social boundaries will do her more favours.

Peridoteage · 20/12/2025 07:40

Is there any more to this? It seems bizarre for her to do this when most of the school group weren't going.

If it's your DD 12th birthday I'm guessing this is the first term of secondary, so the "group of 8" at secondary is relatively new/unestablished. Did the uninvited girl go to the same primary as your DD and the 3 girls "not from school" - is there a history here of her being more part of a primary school group with most of the girls who were invited?

The only time I've seen something like this was when a girl was trying to shake off a primary school acquaintance who'd been part of the group at primary but whom she basically didn't like.

Shayisgreat · 20/12/2025 07:37

I can't believe she had the neck to show up despite both you and dd telling them not to!

That is unhinged behaviour and I expect it will be around the whole social group soon. That poor child is not going to have any understanding of boundaries or self worth and is also likely to be ostracised by her peers.

That's not your dd's responsibility though - it is very firmly at her mother's door.

Sartre · 20/12/2025 07:35

Utterly bizarre and entitled behaviour from both mother and daughter here. You say secondary age but I’m assuming year 7 or 8, I don't think organised parties happen beyond that age so they’re very young still. The daughter was understandably upset to be left out so the mother asked you about it, that’s where any normal person would draw the line. The fact she kept pushing and then actually turned up and expected to be let in is just so embarrassing. I have no idea how people have the cajones to be so brazen.

bigboykitty · 20/12/2025 07:34

They are unbelievable CFs. I would not invite someone who behaved like this. The mother is off the scale. Do not reward the appalling behaviour. It's unfortunate for the child, but that is not your responsibility, OP.

Mumofsoontobe3 · 20/12/2025 07:32

No advice but I can't believe the entitlement. It was clear she wasn't invited. I'm sorry, what an awkward experience for you and your daughter!

Soontobe60 · 20/12/2025 07:32

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 20/12/2025 06:26

I agree with this.
Excluding the daughter is punishment for having a difficult mother. And I think having a difficult mother in punishment enough for her.

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Absolutely this!

Soontobe60 · 20/12/2025 07:29

pogletsbar · 20/12/2025 04:09

No, you don’t have to host parasites.
Actions have consequences.

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Nice way to talk about a 12 year old child!

CalculatingCrispen · 20/12/2025 07:29

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 20/12/2025 07:19

Because the daughter’s reason to exclude her is as punishment; not because they aren’t friends.
If she wasn’t part of the friendship group it would be a different conversation.

Show quote history

And?

Actions have consequences. The other girl behaved appallingly - how else would the mother know where to take her unless she had been whining on about not being invited and given her mum the info of where the party was?

So if OP's daughter decides she doesn't want her in her OWN HOME, then she has the right to make that decision.

Bearbookagainandagain · 20/12/2025 07:28

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 20/12/2025 06:48

We have no idea that it’s down to the mother. Yes she may be facilitating the chuld’s behaviour, but anyone who has had a twelve year old absolutely knows they are capable of manipulative behaviour.

By forcing the DD to invite her she is being taught that manipulation gets her what she wants, and the DD is learning that her boundaries are irrelevant in the face of manipulation.

The 12 yo did drive herself to the party location and took it upon herself to argue with OP and the staff. She is a child. The adult who makes the decisions is her mum.

OP's DD should absolutely be part of the decision to invite her or not, but teaching her kindness if that girl is her FRIEND isn't telling her that her boundaries are irrelevant.

Susieblue18 · 20/12/2025 07:26

If you dd was going to invite her to the bigger party in the first place, then I would go ahead and invite her. It may be the mum making all the fuss and the poor girl is getting dragged into it all.

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