Uninvited child turned up

I think the mother is desperate for her child to have friends but dear lord, this is not the way to do it. Your dd needs to be allowed to choose If this friend comes to the house party. I’d have a chat with the mum, possibly, but how awkward, tho it’s her own stupid fault.

Thats absolutely horrendous behaviour from the mother!
Her poor child. The embarrassment for her must be humiliating. It was her mums job to help her deal with the fact that life is full of disappointments and that we cant always get our own way. No wonder she doesn't get many invites. Its probably about her mother's conduct more than the child not being liked.
You dis the right thing BTW. The worst outcome would have been to entertain thos type of behaviour by letting them stay.

If your daughter has said she doesn’t want this child in her home no, I wouldn’t invite her. They are at secondary school, not young children, she’s old enough to make that decision. I would never force my kid to socialise with someone they didn’t want to in their own home.

I wouldn’t stay friends with someone who didn’t respect my boundaries so why should she have to.

What the actual fuck is wrong with people.

I'd ask DD to think really carefully about whether this girl is a good friend so she doesn't act on impulse and uninvite her to make you happy - because of how you were (rightly) so cross with her mother.

If she doesnt want her there I would send the mother the following message -

"Sue, I am still really shocked that you bought Amber to DD party when I told you not to. This isnt just bad manners, it was quite deranged behaviour given i already explained that there was no space. Amber had to go through the subsequent embarrassment of being asked to leave when the activities started. Ive spoken to DD and shes also quite upset by the whole thing and due to a combination of your actions and my DD feelings, im afraid I am uninviting Amber from DD get together at ours on the 23rd. I am sorry if this upsets Amber. Please do not come to my house and cause a further scene on the day, i will not be polite about asking you to leave."

I feel shit for the girl, but her mothers crazy and for this girl to go along with the crazy also indicates she has no understanding of boundaries - which doesnt bode well for friendship with your DD.

Honestly given how desperate the mom was for her to be included. I think I would ask her. It would feel a bit mean to me.
utterly bizarre behaviour from the mom though.

The mother of this DC is the root cause of this batshittery and awful behaviour.

Parents need to help disappointed DC navigate through these NFI (not f-ing invited) situations.

I had one the other week with my DC. He wasn't invited. He wanted to go but I explained that this DC could only invite 5 people and he didn't make the cut. Unfortunately, that's life. He was fine.

This mother just perpetuated her DD's disappointment, not only contacting @Imjustshockedx beforehand but just turning up anyway. Nuts. They've handled this very immaturely.

Is this girl (and her mum) socially awkward?
I am with your DD, I am not sure if I would want her at my house either but this could be an opportunity to show kindness, particularly if the rest of the school group friends are there

That's an awful thing for them to do to you and your dd on her birthday. What a sense of entitlement to turn up when they were clearly told they weren't invited.

I'd be really torn on whether to continue the invite to the house party now. Perhaps leave it to nearer the time and see how your dd feels then. I suspect whether it blows over in the schoold friendship group will depend on the friend's behaviour when they see each other again. If she still doesn't want her there then she doesn't come.

But this girl (and more importantly her mum) need to understand that you can't bully people into including you. And if you behave like a entitled brat, people aren't going to want to include you.

Again - WHY does her wants trump OP's daughter's?

She already tried to get an invite, found out all the details, turned up with her Mum, the Mum tried to get her daughter into the private party and had to be spoken to by the venue staff?! They BOTH tried to ruin DD's party and you STILL feel the girl should be rewarded by being invited to OP's house?

CFs don't sprout from nothing you know. They are made by people like you doing the #bekind act, when in reality they should be educated at a young age that forcing yourself rudely into someone else's space results in invites being rescinded, and people NOT wanting you there.

All people like you do is facilitate rudeness and actually you are being very unkind in not allowing this young girl to learn a valuable lesson in manners and social boundaries that will stand her in good stead.

Why, something to consider? So as to cater to batshit, entitled people like this parent?

Not everyone is invited to everything. That’s fine.

The issue here is parents who pander to their DC, who then expect/need everyone else to do the same.

I imagine it was something like an escape room and entirely appropriate to have a firm upper number on that and well done to the employee for managing the situation.

I would probably still have the child over, firstly she might be different without her mother and secondly you never know how the dynamics will go with yr7 friendships and you don't want your dd to be the one stranded by the group for being unkind by uninviting. It leaves your dd on the moral high ground. If she has already been invited and knows the details she will probably turn up anyway. I would though be watching the dynanics as carefully as you can without treading on your dd toes, and continue to be a sounding board for your dd and reassure her that she doesn't need to invite her in the future.

If there was any moaning/ bitching at the party I would be very quick to txt the mother and say she isn't happy and to please collect early. Ideally I would have a spare adult (e.g. your dh) around in case you need to drive her (or anyone else) home. I realise that isn't always possible though.

This does though rely on your dd's assessment of the current group dynamics, how much the girl is generally liked in the group. One of mine tollerates another once a year for parties because of the popularity in the wider friendship group. For smaller more informal gatherings they are not invited. Fortunately the other child is begining to migrate to other friends anyway.

Mum is insane to have turned up at venue

staff sound amazing and should get a great review on business page

she wasn’t the only one out of the 8 not invited. 5 others weren’t

I would invite all to house for pizza - it’s not the child’s fault she has a pushy mum

Not really. If the birthday girl wants to go somewhere that just does 6 then her wishes trump the rest. It's the birthday girls choice. It is ok to not accommodate every single one, in fact it's more than ok. The girl was having a party at her house later on for everyone, why is that not enough?

That's exactly what the mother was counting on - and if OP had somehow managed to get the venue to contravene their terms of business and their insurance, just because "but she really wants to", the mother learns that her CF ploy works - and then the venue open themselves up to everybody in future who hears about it saying "Ah, but you managed to let one more in for Emily's party, so you can do it for mine too".

She reminds me of the people on FreeCycle or Facebook marketplace who, on being told truthfully that the item has already been bought/taken, feel so entitled that they expect you to somehow 'unsell' or 'university it so that they can have it instead - even if they're expecting to pay a lot less for it than the actual buyer did!

She can choose to spend her birthday however she likes, surely? And school friends don’t trump non school friends.

Years ago a similar thing happened to me .
I felt really bad but I said to the mother that it seems to be her that is pushing the friendship , it wasn't the children at all , apparently at school they are not the good friends that the other mother made out.
One weekend just after my Dad had a heart attack she telephoned and said it was about time that I took her child out for lunch / dinner as they hadn't seen each other for a while , by then they were at different schools and not in contact.
I felt awful and said that she was trying to live her life through her child .
I didn't hear from her again.

There's yet another person being brought up to not understand 'no'. God help us, there's enough as it is with this entitled attitude.

Sorry OP for you and your daughter, the event person was a pro though, superb! All unwarranted drama on behalf of the mother and the blame lays squarely with her and any action going forward needs to be put on her. If your daughter doesn't want the other friend at the house party, so be it.

I did but not to the extent where I was allowed to do anything at any time. Times have changed beyond recognition and given how dangerous our streets are now , it’s no wonder it’s in decline.

I am sorry but other people’s children and their choices for their children are not to do with me having to sacrifice my own time or that of my children’s.

Wow....the audacity!

Also to add if my DC were in a friend group of 8 we would’ve found a birthday party to accommodate everyone, then seen any non-school friends at another time. Something to consider going forward.

Little wonder that the child doesn’t get invited if she, and her mother, behave in such an entitled way!
Good on your daughter, OP, for standing her ground too.

The mum of the child is completely out of order, but not sure about not inviting the girl to the gathering at the house. You’re punishing her for the sons of the mother. I’d follow your DD’s lead, but if she’s not invited it’ll prob be the end of the friendship.

The mother of the uninvited child is unstable. How you handle that is up to you and how you navigate it without harming the child in question.

The woman was a CF without doubt. I’m also guessing she doesn’t host parties of this kind or she would have known the company decide maximum numbers, not the host. That makes her doubly cheeky.

But when you split friendship groups into A list and B list for invitations it is likely to cause some bad feelings. You see adults posting here about similar situations quite frequently. You might not have intended the venue party and the party at your home to be A list and B list, but I’m sure you can see that it might be perceived that way. It’s unavoidable.

I do understand why you and your daughter are thinking about uninviting the girl. Whether she deserves that or not, I would be concerned that doing so would be adding fuel to the flames and might cause problems at school going forward. Is that pragmatic or accepting bad behaviour? I’m not sure.

Completely insane behaviour. It’s understandable that your DD no longer wants this girl to attend the house party and if she’s adamant, I would respect her wishes.

I can’t help but have some sympathy for the other girl though because her mother is quite clearly unhinged and teaching her terrible lessons. Would your DD be open to having a conversation with the her to explain how her actions made her feel and give her a chance to apologise? If they’re able to reconcile DD may change her mind about the party and it could be a valuable lesson in conflict resolution. I would only suggest this as an option though and not pressure DD if she feels the friendship is now over.

I’d contact the mother regardless of what happens with the girls and tell her that her behaviour was appalling and she should never have put you or your daughter in that position.

This. The mother is clearly weird and the poor kid is having to navigate this and doesn’t really understand how it all comes across.