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AIBU?

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Original poster

Uninvited child turned up

286 replies

Imjustshockedx · 20/12/2025 03:52

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

OP posts:
MyTrivia · 20/12/2025 09:08

This child’s mother is modelling dreadful behaviour to her daughter. You don’t turn up to anything without an invite - you just don’t.

These people have no boundaries and therefore need to be avoided. They don’t understand social etiquette and think the world revolves around them.

BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys · 20/12/2025 09:07

CandyCaneKisses · 20/12/2025 09:03

I would go above and beyond to have made sure the child was accommodated. People are so mean these days.

Mean? You mean like showing up somewhere you're clearly not invited on order to make someone uncomfortable on their birthday?

Whattodoo8 · 20/12/2025 09:05

Wow I feel sorry for the girl. Not for not being being invited, but for having such an odd mother that she’d teach her that it’s ok to come anyway, and then cause a scene.

I would still let her come to the larger group thing, it would be unfair to un-invite her now.

How strange, though, OP. Sorry you had that awkward encounter.

Talltreesbythelake · 20/12/2025 09:05

jerkchicken · 20/12/2025 08:57

Oh my word, PLEASE do not complain to the Headteacher and school counsellor about this as someone suggested! As a governor, the number of minor complaints which get escalated to us these days are going through the roof. This issue is nothing to do with the school.

Edited

I didn't read that as a complaint but as a heads-up for the sake of the girl. As a class teacher I would make time to talk this over with the girl so that she could understand what went wrong and what to do in the future. That is what the pastoral staff are there for.

Notmyreality · 20/12/2025 09:05

Francestein · 20/12/2025 04:39

I think you should send an email to the school counsellor and head teacher about this situation. Explain everything as per your post and explain to them that the mother's entitled behaviour may cause social problems for her daughter in the future.

Bizarre suggestion.

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 20/12/2025 09:03

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 20/12/2025 08:23

That's exactly what the mother was counting on - and if OP had somehow managed to get the venue to contravene their terms of business and their insurance, just because "but she really wants to", the mother learns that her CF ploy works - and then the venue open themselves up to everybody in future who hears about it saying "Ah, but you managed to let one more in for Emily's party, so you can do it for mine too".

She reminds me of the people on FreeCycle or Facebook marketplace who, on being told truthfully that the item has already been bought/taken, feel so entitled that they expect you to somehow 'unsell' or 'university it so that they can have it instead - even if they're expecting to pay a lot less for it than the actual buyer did!

Show quote history

Good old autocarrot sneaking in and stubbornly changing it back again just before you hit post -'university' should have said 'ungive'.

CandyCaneKisses · 20/12/2025 09:03

I would go above and beyond to have made sure the child was accommodated. People are so mean these days.

BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys · 20/12/2025 09:01

Just out of sheer nosinesss on my part - did they show up with a gift and a card for your dd?

In your shoes I would support my daughters boundries and uninvite this girl, although I do feel a bit sorry for her.

Your dd is your priority and it's important she doesn't learn to put her own feelings aside, regardless of whatever bad behaviour there has been towards her.

SandyY2K · 20/12/2025 09:00

What awful behaviour from the mother. It's beyond embarrassing. She clearly has issues, to not understand that her behaviour was unacceptable.

It's your daughter's choice who she invites to the bigger celebration, but I'd ask your daughter if there are any other issues with the girl normally at school. The pestering for an invite is crazy. Sounds like the child has some learning challenges.

I do think the mother is 100% at fault here, but knowing she wasn't invited, why did the child tell her mum in the first place. At 12, you're old enough to know that you HAVEN'T been invited.

jerkchicken · 20/12/2025 08:57

Oh my word, PLEASE do not complain to the Headteacher and school counsellor about this as someone suggested! As a governor, the number of minor complaints which get escalated to us these days are going through the roof. This issue is nothing to do with the school.

TheaBrandt1 · 20/12/2025 08:50

Oh god I got severe second hand embarrassment reading your post op! Jaw dropping.

diddl · 20/12/2025 08:49

I feel bad for the girl but would let your daughter decide.

From what has been written I'm not quite sure if it's all on the mum or a combination!

If the daughter has apologised that might be something, but if she keep insisting then she sounds as bad as her mum!

Unfortunately there might be a reason she doesn't ge invited & the answer to that isn't to gatecrash!

grinchmcgrinchface · 20/12/2025 08:48

I wouldnt invite her to your home either, wouldn’t be suprised if your daughter distants herself.

Frostynoman · 20/12/2025 08:47

How did the uninvited child react - not the mother. If she was entitled and forceful then it would be a no from me. If she was embarrassed /reluctant etc then I would suggest rolling the dice once more with them but only for the girl. I would struggle to invite them anywhere again personally - they massively overstepped all boundaries so are unpredictable

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/12/2025 08:46

Ellie1015 · 20/12/2025 07:50

Unacceptable behaviour by them both, particularly the mother. However I would not allow 7 out of 8 to be invited to the house. You made your point on the day and she didnt get to join in, I would say to my dd she is invited to the whole school group at your house. Ir if she really doesnt want to then none of them come.

It wasn't 7 out of the 8, it was 2 (I think) the others were friends from out of school.

MyLimeGuide · 20/12/2025 08:45

That mum is unhinged. No one in their right mind behaves like that! Id say its done and dusted, forget about it, hopefully she is super embarrased and wont mention it again.

Hufflemuff · 20/12/2025 08:42

DeftGoldHedgehog · 20/12/2025 06:05

I would go by what DD wants and have her back on it. The girl doesn't get to come to the other party if she doesn't want her there. I'd also warn the other mums about how this woman behaved. As they will certainly know already know now their daughters will have told them, but maybe only half the story.

I think anything major would make its way back to you anyhow. I dont think you need to start a big gossipy witch hunt amongst 7 sets of parents about this.

BettysRoasties · 20/12/2025 08:42

I’d be hoping my daughter pulled away from the girl and didn’t extend an invite to my home.

That’s some really poor parenting on the mothers behalf.

StealthMama · 20/12/2025 08:41

Winteriscoming80 · 20/12/2025 05:19

If they are all close friends you should of chose something different to do so they could could all attend,I don’t think it was nice to exclude one.

5 other friends weren’t invited. Read the post.

Id be giving them both a wide berth. Mum should apologise. It’s not the kids fault granted but at secondary school Age I’m surprised she wasn’t embarrassed at mum taking her up there never mind getting angry.

no thanks.

sashh · 20/12/2025 08:41

Secondary age? Wow I thought for most of your post this was 6 year olds.

Batshit parent, keep well away. I actually feel sorry for the gate crasher child, what is living with a batshit parent like for that poor child.

Bloodyscarymary · 20/12/2025 08:39

Don’t continue the drama or exclude the girl - rise above and teach your child to be magnanimous. The friendship will naturally fade if the weirdness continues but excluding her from the next event is too much drama and could be cruel depending on how much say she really has with the mum’s behaviour. The kind thing to do would be to include her and support her a bit, she probably really needs community and other adult role models. I would never ever want to be responsible for the social exclusion of a young teenager as it can have dire consequences - allowing your child to become “queen bee” and leave out 1 girl of group of 8 will also have ramifications. Teach forgiveness and generosity.

CalculatingCrispen · 20/12/2025 08:39

I doubt very much if this is the first time this stunt has been pulled.

I expect this has been done for years and the #bekinders have allowed it, thus kicking the can down the road for other people to cope with = other children to expect to become people pleasers.

Which is why it has carried on.

OP had the backbone to say No and keep to it. Hopefully teaching mini CF a valuable lesson.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 20/12/2025 08:37

lizzyBennet08 · 20/12/2025 08:30

Honestly given how desperate the mom was for her to be included. I think I would ask her. It would feel a bit mean to me.
utterly bizarre behaviour from the mom though.

So you think this behaviour should be rewarded, because of how extreme it is?

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 20/12/2025 08:36

God help the first boyfriend of the uninvited girl. Sounds deranged.

GAJLY · 20/12/2025 08:36

Citrusbergamia · 20/12/2025 05:20

I knew 2 mothers like that, with kids the same age as my DD, who's now 20. Insufferable CFs.

If your DD doesn't want her there, then she doesn't get an invite 🤷‍♀️ I would send a text to the mother explaining that because of her perceived entitlement to be invited and her unhinged bullying behaviour, her daughter isn't invited.

I'm sure it won't be the end of it....

Yes, I agree with this 👆
They aren't nice people. I'd do what your daughter wants. If she doesn't want her there, then she doesn't get invited. I would send a message explaining why you've decided to not invite her.

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