Uninvited child turned up

If adults acted like this it would cause distress and upset, Nonsense. I don't expect to do everything with all my friends all the time. There was a limit at the venue and she had invited friends from out of school too. Also she didn't exclude just one girl from that group, there were 5 not invited.

How rubbish for you OP. They behaved appallingly, especially the mother.

I'd message her to tell her clearly that you are not seeking to invite drama into your or your DD's lives and after their unacceptable behaviour on the day of the party, they are not invited or welcome at yours. I'd also say you'll not be engaging in any further discussions with her and block her if she tries.

Yep, that's why people go on mumsnet, most dont usually post just to say that.

This has got nothing to do with the school and informing the school would just be trying to cause the family as much difficulty as possible as well as wasting the school's time. Do English secondary schools even have school counsellors?

Their behaviour was bullying- pressuring both mother and the daughter at school for an invite. Turning up uninvited and creating a scene, getting angry at the staff member at the venue. Appalling behaviour that should not be rewarded. If the OPs daughter doesn’t want her at her gathering at home it’s completely understandable and it’s her choice.

" I don’t believe that other girls just aren’t bothered about not being invited. Most people that I know aren’t that thick skinned even as adults but they lie to save face. My dc was one of these and even though they take it on the chin and pretend in school they are fine with it I find it really hard to watch and how to explain all the time “oh it’s just numbers” or whatever reason."

I also agree with this. And I do think it's something that needs to be considered when planning birthdays that you can't invite a full friend group to - there will be hurt feelings as part of it and i think it's good for your dd to be aware of that at 12. For example maybe the activity and the day at your house could have been closer together or activity in the morning and everyone join in the afternoon or the next day to ease that so children have a clearer picture of what's happening.

I know it's part of life and building resilience and it's just one of those things, but it will affect your dds relationship dynamics and you can't expect it not to.

I can understand being worried your child isn't getting invites and feeling cross if you're perceiving them as being excluded but this mother is ridiculous. She put her dd in a horrendous and embarrassing position and damaged relationships further. There's no excuse for acting this way.

I think I'd have a conversation with your dd and talk about how some people find it really hard being left out more than others and I'd try to encourage her to invite the whole friend group to your house as originally planned as she will still need to see this child and interact at school unless she is really, really adamant as essentially you'd be uninviting at this point rather than just not inviting. I feel like this child is the product of their parenting and I do feel a bit sorry for them. But ultimately it's your dds party in her home so I think final say needs to be what she's comfortable with.

Firstly- totally bizarre and rude behaviour from that mother. Not acceptable to turn up uninvited.

However I think I see the underlying frustration. Not unusual to get groups of around 8 girls that hang around and not unusual for party sizes to drop smaller than that. Inevitably in some situations it is the same 1 or 2 kids not getting invited to any of the parties by the people they deem to be their best friends. I can see how this could be really upsetting and hurtful. I don’t believe that other girls just aren’t bothered about not being invited. Most people that I know aren’t that thick skinned even as adults but they lie to save face. My dc was one of these and even though they take it on the chin and pretend in school they are fine with it I find it really hard to watch and how to explain all the time “oh it’s just numbers” or whatever reason.

Being a bit more inclusive to the groups that they are hanging about with day to day would be the best approach in my mind.

When first reading, I thought it was infant school, maybe junior.

It is not OP's responsibility to counter the lack of invites to another child. The entitlement of that parent was unreal.

That's the nature of friendships - especially larger groups. You don't have to do every single thing with every one of your friends.

It's bizarre to think that, once you have over a certain number of friends, you can never do any activity that is limited to fewer than that number ever again - even as your own special birthday treat.

No. It's really ok for 2 to be invited and 6 not invited.

If it was 7 invited and 1 not- then that is different. That's making a statement.

Tricky one - the after party I mean. I'd have fucked them both off immediately at the initial do.

Before deciding to invite or not on the second gathering I'd see how the atmosphere is or how contact is between them. I'd hope that they could be invited but it would depend on if the friendship is unscathed.

Absolute claptrap. No one is entitled to an invitation to every social gathering. If she had invited this girl, what about the other 4 from the school group? By your logic, OP's daughter should have had a totally different party than the one she wanted (for 6) just to please others. As kids get older, parties get smaller. The not invited child needs to learn that kicking off doesn't make people like her or invite her. At 12, she is plenty old enough to understand this.

I think the mother is the problem here rather than the child.

no way the daughter would have done this if it was only up to her.

id invite her to the other party. Poor kid

There was a maximum number of people allowed. You think she should have sent someone else home to accommodate an uninvited person? How bizarre.

I disagree.

The celebrant is entitled to choose the event/activity for her birthday. She doesn't have to consider the WHOLE group, as she naturally has people that she's closer to in the group.

Turning up when you're not invited isn't acceptable at all. We need to put the blame where it lies.

This girl isn't the only one of the group who wasn't invited and there was a bigger party planned, yet he mother decided to bring her anyway.

That's bang out of order on every level.

I feel sorry for the girl, not because of you though OP, because of her awful mother.

I am afraid nobody is looking at it from the childs point of view. I don't think it is very kind or nice to hand pick a few friends from a friendship group and deem them "worthy" of an invite to a party. If adults acted like this it would cause distress and upset, but we expect children just to "deal" with it. You really should have picked a better venue that took more people to avoid this kind of situation. As much as the other parent seemed unhinged in her behaviour, it actually does not show you or your daughter in a particularly good light either!

I can barely believe what I’ve just read .
How embarrassing for everyone involved.
I think I might still invite this girl to the house for the birthday celebration but only after you’re talked it through with your daughter and she agrees .
Attempted party crasher girl has a very weird mum and she’s learning from her mum .

This is great advice. They are only 12, if the group dynamics evolve and this girl is phased out over time it needs to happen naturally and organically within the group itself, not because her mother is a CF or because other mothers are manipulating the situation. This girl is likely to be deeply embarrassed by her mother. I was one such child like this and the social exclusion that proceeded from my mother’s batshittery, frankly, scarred me for life. So if you can find it within you to be kind and inclusive at the next gathering, you’d be a positive role model for both your DD and this child.

And please don’t engage in any rants and rebukes with the mother via text as other PP’s suggested, or involve other parents. It will fan the flames and feed whatever the mother’s ‘problem’ is. Just ignore.

Another bizarre post.

Yes, this reminds me of the thread fron a little while back, where the young bully was devastated not to be invited to his victim's party.

People were saying how horrid and mean it was to exclude him, especially at such a young age; completely ignoring the other half or so of the class who - whilst perfectly nice - hadn't made the cut this time and weren't kicking off about it.

Mean would be inviting every friend except one who was singled out not to be invited. That is NOT what happened, here.

What an absolute disgrace of a mother, I’d have told her this quite happily and turned to the poor daughter she’s setting up for a lifetime of issues and said ‘I’m so sorry your mum has let you down on this. I’m sure she’s told you that you’ve been left out but I just want to let you know you haven’t been excluded, DD could only invite 2 school friends so it’s not personal, sweetheart. You’re very welcome to come to our house get-together for everyone who couldn’t make today’
What a fucking shit life she must have with such a disturbed mother poor thing!

Agree with this. It's a perfect chance to teach your daughter empathy. The mother sounds unhinged and who knows what this poor girl goes through on a daily basis. Don't exclude her on the basis of her mother's actions.