Uninvited child turned up

They weren't personal boundaries - it was a booking with a maximum number of places. No need to make her daughter into someone as odd as the so-called friend.
IMO unless the daughter really doesn't want to EVER see the girl any more, (which might be difficult if they're in class) I'd invite the people as originally planned. If that includes that girl then fine.

@Imjustshockedx Would she be capable of just showing up anyway at your house?
Stupid question- ofcourse she is. So you need to keep date and time a secret.

I would message the mum and tell her straight out that since she and her daughter tried to force daughter into a party despite you clearly telling her it wasn't possible your daughter now does not want to invite her daughter anymore. And if she does show up you will call the police.

I would think differently if the girl was 7 because still very young but at 12 in secondary school she knows how to obey rules. Both mother and daughter need to learn that behaviour has consequences and that if you don't respect people they do not wsnt to be around you. No way should she be invited to your dds home party- especially since your dd does not want her there. I am a mug and I always prioritise children evel if parents are batshit- we have invited children whose parents are known to be on drugs and violent just because I want to give those children a chance to be included and not be ostracised. But this is an older girl who should know better than to behave like this so it would be a firm no.

The OP has reacted perfectly but I agree, you can't bring the school into this, they'll think you are mad.
Does anyone really expect the headteacher of a secondary school to personally deal with a parent about kids parties?

We have no idea whats happening in the other child's household. We do know they are friends at school and she was 'desperate' to go to a party.
To then exclude her from one without a numbers limit seems unnecessarily cruel. They are 12

They wouldn’t be able to do that. Usually number restrictions are put in place due to health and safety regulations for public places.

It sounds like it was mums idea to gatecrash, not necessarily the girls.

Seriously? What on earth are the school going to do about it?
That sounds positively mad to me:

It teaches her daughter that if someone walks all over her clearly set boundries then she is absolutely not obligated to remain friends.

Interesting that you think uninviting this girl, who tried to ruin her party, is bullying, but this girl showing up uninvited in order to make her uncomfortable isn't bullying.

This

This situation would give me faith in daughter’s choices and how she handles different dynamics. She doesn’t have to invite anyone for the sake of not “being mean” and I’d let her decide as and when she socialises with this other girl

there’s a certain type of mum (like the one in this post) who get waaay to invested and involved in their daughter’s friendships. All we’re supposed to do at this age is guide and support them, we can’t steam roll into situations and take control in their behalf

the other mum isn’t doing her daughter and favours, you handled a tough situation really well OP

Please invite the child. It’s not her fault that the mother doesn’t know how to behave.

This woman will ruin her DD life but it’s not your place to try and fix it. I would want nothing to do with someone like her and would not be having the child over again, sad as that is for the kid.

I wouldn't exclude her OP, what does that teach your daughter about future life / work....retracting invitations? Strange and bullying. I would encourage my daughter to accommodate her and get on with her at school ...a 12 year old can learn (both of them)...it seems the parents are the problem here

I am on the fence. Not the child's fault. But some mum's are off the scale and unless the children are friendly it isn't worth the hassle.

But absolutely amazed at bringing the child. I have had times when it is softplay when an extra one or two is grand when they are siblings...but not this!

I know!as I said on the first page!

This is a classic example of Verruca Salt parenting colliding with the real world. Your child WILL be left out of things - it’s the human condition. It’s massively damaging to pretend they can always get exactly what they want. You risk creating a monster. Parents job is to teach children how to navigate this.

She didn’t exclude one!

What utter nonsense.

Dd chose an activity for HER PARTY that SHE WANTED TO DO which had a limit on it. She chose friends from school and outside school. She has NO OBLIGATION to arrange HER party around everyone else.

She is actually having everyone around for a house party later in the month so nobody is losing out. (She doesn't have to do that but she and OP are being very generous)
Nobody has to cater to the "invite everyone you know every single time or nobody" BS.

You must be a real PIA when it comes to people having events you or your kids aren't invited to.

Unhinged.

I feel sorry for her DD though. Her behaviour is likely influenced by her DM and I don’t think she should be punished for that. Tricky situation…your daughter’s wishes are important but I think it’s worth looking at the bigger picture here.

Could you keep the invite but speak to the mother to explain why her behaviour was appalling and that you don’t want it to happen again? I feel you have upper hand here but also an opportunity to be the better person.

Stay out of it from now on OP. You did your job perfectly dealing with the mum prior to the party and at the venue.
But your DD inviting people round to the house is nothing to do with you beyond providing the food and hands off supervision.

Let your daughter decide who her friends are. Let her arrange it

All 8 won’t be equally close to one another.

Where or when in life does this approach of involving everyone in everything end?
Is her DD expected to have 7 bridesmaids? 7 godmothers of her kids?

She’s allowed to have 1 or 2 best friends within a wider group of friends. I’d say that’s perfectly normal.

What stands out to me is the other girl's DM saying it's unfair because her DD hardly ever gets an invite, instead of trying to gatecrash she'd be better off asking herself why her DD isn't being invited. Now the story of how she behaved will go round the school and pretty much ensure her DC doesn't get invited again

School counsellor?!

You do know that not every school has one of these, don't you!!?

It’s understandable for the girl to be disappointed and upset at not being invited to yet another party. However, the mums actions were terrible and put her daughter in a humiliating situation of being turned away in front of the other girls. What sort of a mother does that?

Oh what a wonderful Mum you had, @DreamTheMoors, I’m sorry for your loss.

I suspect that the attendance by the uninvited child may be down to them telling their Mum they weren’t invited & then the two of them stewing over it together. I bet the Mum lead the plan to invade, so it is she who should be excluded from conversation & social events, not the child (even if she is a young teen) - also she can’t be met with any special positive attention, else they’ll think they got away with it.
The reason that I’m being so superficially nice is because being ostracised can (a) stick with one for the rest of one’s education & (b) turn one into a bully (not that I’m suggesting anyone be scared of her).
(Yes I was bullied , mercilessly; no I didn’t turn into a bully.)

Obviously not normal behaviour but I wouldn’t exclude her from the next event. It’s not her daughters fault.