Uninvited child turned up

Out of a school friendship group of 8 children, only 2 were invited, so it's not really a case of leaving just one person out. I assume that the two children are much closer friends with OP's daughter than the others in the group.

OP has obviously chosen an activity that he daughter wants/enjoys, where the numbers allowed are only small.

The reactions of the other mother and her daughter do show them in a very bad light. The mother actually phoned OP and asked for an invitation and OP explained why she couldn't exceed the numbers and that they would be having another party which her daughter would be invited to. To actually turn up at the venue and start arguing with OP and the staff is ridiculous behaviour.

If the children involved were infant school age, I could understand them being upset and not understanding the reasons for not being invited. A twelve year old and her mother are obviously so thick-skinned that they don't care that they made a scene and embarrassed themselves.

Batshit.

I always wonder who teaches people to be such CFers and this is a prime example.

It’s downright rude but I would hold the parent responsible and not the child.

This has nothing to do with the school

12 is a really difficult age for girls and I can see how birthday parties become ground zero. I wouldn't hold it against the child BUT I would be encouraging my daughter to have some very firm boundaries around that friendship. She shouldn't have to feel pestered.

The mum is an absolute dick and I would keep contact with her to an absolute minimum. And it's really important that you don't start using their friendship as a proxy for your annoyance with the mother.

Speaking of socially inept 🙄

I’m sorry you experienced this OP, but I wouldn’t exclude the daughter from the event in your house. That would only serve to escalate things and your daughter must attend school with her every day,

Luckily my kids were in small classes (small rural school) so the whole class could be invited to parties. It made things easier all round.

I do feel quite sorry for kids who are routinely not invited to things, even though there is no excusing the subsequent behaviour. But that was the mother’s fault more than the child’s of course. The mother seems to be socially inept and is setting a terrible example for her child. It will make life more difficult for the daughter unfortunately, but I wouldn’t wish to add to those difficulties.

She didn't exclude one, she excluded 6, should they have turned up too?
*have. Should HAVE.

I wouldn't do this OP, that's a bit extreme. Nothing to do with the school unless it starts affecting their friendship in school.

Tricky one, I'd talk to your DD about whether she is strictly no longer friends with this girl or how it might affect the friend group if she excludes only her from the get together at your house. If she understands all that and still wants not to invite the girl then go with what she wants and let the mother know.

Wow. Do some people like this really walk amongst us? I can’t think why the girl doesn’t get invited to many parties …….

This. I just couldn’t punish a young girl who is being set up to fail by her mother’s bizarre, entitled behaviour. It’s brutal really, poor girl will lose all her friendships because of her mum 😞

This is so strange. OP are you absolutely sure that your daughter didn't inadvertently invite this other girl? If she begged and pleaded so much that she told her to come in the hope that you would find space for her? It's the only logical explanation, as no sane mother would land at a party with her daughter and no invitation!

I feel so sorry for that other girl.
She clearly has a very difficult home life.

All the aggression and forcefulness is coming from the mum. OP hasn’t been able to tell us a single rude comment from the little girl but she’s the one being railroaded into humiliating situations and is now in the position of being excluded from her friendship group as punishment for her mum’s behaviour.

Poor girl 😢

Have you spoken to the mother since? Because that is insane behaviour. Really insane. And she put her daughter in that situation… terrible parenting.

The girl must have had a lot of texts from your daughter and her friends too. How embarrassing for her.

Just wow..what a shit mother the cf is to put her own child in that position. Too cringy and cruel for words.

So everyone is OK with excluding then? Which is actually another form of bullying. It is very worrying indeed that most adults are on board with this and twist it around to make out the excluded child is in the wrong. Growing up in the 80's my own mother would never allow me to act like this. She would have pointed the hurt and the knock on effects this would inevitably cause, but it seems today's parents are training their children to live in a selfish and narcissistic world where everyone does what they like regardless of other people. No wonder society has reached the depths of no return! where the few kind people left with a monochrome of common sense are made to feel like they are so awful. Let's hope your dd is never excluding op, because you sure as hell won't have grounds to complain.

I'd explain to your child how hurtful it would be for the child to be left out when she already knows that there will be something happening at your home. If she still doesnt wish her to come then she doesnt have to invite her but if she's kind enough to invite the child this time she never has to do so in future. And if this child is pestering her over invites at school she can discuss with the teacher how they can be kept apart.

Your child now needs to consider her own position in the group if the other child now bears a grudge against her.

Will the other girl now manipulate the others and cause trouble? Not saying she should invite her, but it might be better for group politics to do so.

Something similar happened to my daughter at her 10th birthday. My daughter invited her three best friends to go to the cinema, then come back to our house for cake and some play time. Child who lived two doors down found out and what unfolded was unpleasant.
The child and her older sister turned up at the cinema and chose to sit right alongside us, the child howled throughout the film and kept turning and staring at us accusingly. After the film and the playtime was all over, the child from two doors down arrived at our door with her mother because one of my daughter’s friends was going to their house to play, both mother and child were hostile and aggressive to us.
A few months later the child had her birthday party and invited every girl in the class except my daughter.
Some people!

Wow wonder why the daughter doesn't get many invites. Sounds like the mother may have a personality disorder. You need to respect your daughter's wishes. If the parent turns up again you need to not answer the door. If she messages tell her that her behaviour at the party upset your daughter and she doesn't want to have her over any more. The child and parent both need to learn that you can't bully other people into doing what you want them to. I would model strong boundaries to your daughter and don't teach her that she has to give in to bullies.

Wow that’s beyond awkward for both you and your daughter. What is wrong with people?! Who does that?! Sorry you had to go through that, it can be stressful enough hosting. Well done to you and the staff member for insisting it was a no!

This. The mother's behaviour was insane and if she puts that sort of pressure on adult strangers, I can only imagine what pressure her poor daughter is put under. I'd let the girl come to the get together at yours, as originally mentioned.

Your family can afford to throw a bone to a struggling kid who clearly has a strange home life and who is/was recently part of the friend group.

IMO, this is not the occasion to enforce the classic Mumsnet "my baby/party/wedding/ house etc MY rules".

I said clearly set boundries.

Now the dd doesn't want the girl at her party, which is fair enough given the behaviour and the fact that her and her mother tried to ruin her first birthday outing.

We don't know what's happening in her household.

But we do know what happened at the party.

Ops dd is just as important as the other girl, and she doesn't want her there anymore, which is fair enough.

What this girl and her mum did was also cruel.

I would go with what your daughter wants. If she doesn’t want to invite this girl then she doesn’t have to.

If the mum pipes up again then I would firmly say ‘you were told more than once and still turned up to ruin my daughter’s day and make everyone feel uncomfortable i will not tolerate that behaviour’.End off.

You did exactly what I would have done @Imjustshockedx and, most importantly, you tried your best to confine the 'debate' to the adults.

The only other thing you could do, I suppose, is drop in a thankyou card and box of sweets into the staff at the venue.