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AIBU?

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Original poster

Uninvited child turned up

286 replies

Imjustshockedx · 20/12/2025 03:52

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 20/12/2025 13:09

You still invite the child. She’s behaved poorly but it’s not like she’s nasty to the op, she’s still a child. Her mum is atrocious, but the child didn’t choose her. to exclude one child from an event for all the others would be mean, and it’s not the parenting the op wants to model to her own child.
id tell my daughter that was a really difficult situation even for adults and I was proud of her and hoped she’d enjoy her birthday.

C152 · 20/12/2025 13:05

The sheer entitlement is flabbergasting. As first I was going to suggest perhaps your child invited her and 'forgot' to tell you, but I see that's not the case.

It was great that the staff member dealt with it professionally for you; although it's wrong for the other parent to put either of you in that situation. It's done now, so I wouldn't 'do' anything, but I'd think twice about inviting that child to anything in the future.

FWIW, I'm sure most of us have been in the position if having our child not be invited to something; it's just life. Some parents take an odd view - a group we were with discussed the fact they were all heading off the another child's party that afternoon, but mine hadn't been invited. The other parents tried to encourage us to go with them, claiming the birthday's child's parent must have forgotten and wouldn't mind if we just showed up! I declined, obviously, and DS didn't make a fuss about it. But I think parent can be worse than kids in this situation. Just focus on the fact your DD had the friends she wished present and enjoyed her party. Don't give another thought to the other parent.

jeaux90 · 20/12/2025 12:53

Very very odd indeed. The mother clearly has no sense of boundaries.

Isittimeformynapyet · 20/12/2025 12:48

Crofthead · 20/12/2025 12:15

Sorry not following this at all? What hypothetical woman?

Show quote history

Ah, sorry, I meant the CF mother. I was implying that as OP hadn't returned the entire thread is on shaky ground, hence hypothetical.

Shedeboodinia · 20/12/2025 12:42

Goodness that poor girl, it must have been so embarressing for her and her mother is just awful.
I would be sending a full on rant to her about this. I would also put the blame fairly on her shoulders and explain what an awful situation she put her child and yours in, as well as taking up staff time, ruining the day for your daughter, and generally being completely and shockingly out of order . I would also say the mother is not welcome to your house but the child is and if she wants to come to anything at your house then someone else will have to drop her off.

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 20/12/2025 12:38

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 20/12/2025 05:57

I would have asked the venue to squeeze the girl in if possible but then spoken to the mother another time. I wouldn’t blame the young person.

Some things need an even number of people. For my 14th I had my party at a laser tag place. It was bloody expensive for each person to play, and teams needed to be equal. I did have a friend who's parent brought their sibling and was also extremely put out when the venue said they had not been paid for and could not participate in the party, but they did ask if she wished to pay for the next game which would just be a walk in, mixed general public team to which she said no.

LunaDeBallona · 20/12/2025 12:34

Francestein · 20/12/2025 04:39

I think you should send an email to the school counsellor and head teacher about this situation. Explain everything as per your post and explain to them that the mother's entitled behaviour may cause social problems for her daughter in the future.

I agree with this.
This girls mother is going to make her daughter a social pariah - and we all know how very important friends are at secondary school to help you through the nightmare of girls, hormones, groups etc.
School needs a heads up on this IMHO as the poor girl is going to need some support.

With regards to the party/get together @Imjustshockedx i would be guided by your daughter. If she starts saying ‘everyone else doesn’t want her there either’ I would be a bit concerned as then it’s starting to feel like exclusion which is bullying. Be guided by your child but remember you are the adult with much more wisdom and life experience .

x2boys · 20/12/2025 12:32

No replies from the Op hmm.....

ItsDarkNow · 20/12/2025 12:31

10 pages in and not a single reply from @Imjustshockedx
What a surprise. Not.

BadgernTheGarden · 20/12/2025 12:21

If it's at your house I expect said child will turn up (with mother) invited or not, which could turn into a huge row on the doorstep if you try to keep her out.

Redburnett · 20/12/2025 12:16

Sadly the uninvited child is now in for another disappointment as your DD's wishes need to be respected.

Crofthead · 20/12/2025 12:15

Isittimeformynapyet · 20/12/2025 11:37

So, because of this hypothetical woman's insane behaviour you are willing to hold the OP's character responsible for the child's future mental health?

Too much crazy.

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Sorry not following this at all? What hypothetical woman?

Redburnett · 20/12/2025 12:14

I find it sad that the mother could not help her DC understand disappointments, and instead created an awkward and embarrassing situation. It sounds as though you and the staff handled it well.

Isittimeformynapyet · 20/12/2025 11:37

sashh · 20/12/2025 08:41

Secondary age? Wow I thought for most of your post this was 6 year olds.

Batshit parent, keep well away. I actually feel sorry for the gate crasher child, what is living with a batshit parent like for that poor child.

So, because of this hypothetical woman's insane behaviour you are willing to hold the OP's character responsible for the child's future mental health?

Too much crazy.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/12/2025 11:32

The woman is batshit. I feel sorry for the daughter, the mother is storing up a whole life’s worth of therapy for her when she’s older. Good on you for standing your ground op, and being firm in the face of such batshittery.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/12/2025 11:25

Wishingplenty · 20/12/2025 10:44

So everyone is OK with excluding then? Which is actually another form of bullying. It is very worrying indeed that most adults are on board with this and twist it around to make out the excluded child is in the wrong. Growing up in the 80's my own mother would never allow me to act like this. She would have pointed the hurt and the knock on effects this would inevitably cause, but it seems today's parents are training their children to live in a selfish and narcissistic world where everyone does what they like regardless of other people. No wonder society has reached the depths of no return! where the few kind people left with a monochrome of common sense are made to feel like they are so awful. Let's hope your dd is never excluding op, because you sure as hell won't have grounds to complain.

Which exclusion are you referring to? The activity with a maximum number of six children or larger party at OP's house?

The lack of an invitation for the six of the girls in the friendship group is fine. One child in the group isn't being singled out. The numbers were very small and three outside-school closer friends were invited. The child's and the mother's behaviour in response to the lack of an invitation was massively out of order.

Excluding the child from the larger gathering at OP's house would be wrong but I can totally see why OP's daughter would want to change her mind about the invitation. In OP's daughter's head, this friend and her mother tried to ruin her birthday treat.

Brainstorm23 · 20/12/2025 11:19

This is such a hard decision as I can completely see reasons for and against inviting this girl to the house party. I think ultimately I'd still invite. This thread is totally going to end up in the sidebar of shame so you might want to get it taken down once you've read the responses.

Isittimeformynapyet · 20/12/2025 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Winteriscoming80 · 20/12/2025 11:15

Picklelily99 · 20/12/2025 10:56

She didn't exclude one, she excluded 6, should they have turned up too?
*have. Should HAVE.

Show quote history

Read the bloody thread,I said I was wrong on page 1!

WhatNoRaisins · 20/12/2025 11:14

This sort of unhinged and entitled behaviour can really escalate so it's best to have none of it and I'm glad that the venue backed you up. I'm all for being kind but it's not worth the trouble with people that are very difficult. I'm sorry for this 12 year old but it might be better for her to see others standing up to her pushy mother.

Therewillbeaway · 20/12/2025 11:14

jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple · 20/12/2025 11:11

It is ok folk saying don't punish the kid for the mothers obscene behaviour but its never justified in my eyes to reward bad behaviour either. Sadly the mother sounds a lost cause which will always reflect badly on her daughter.

The bad behaviour wasn’t rewarded though, as the girl was not allowed entry to the limited number event.

This is a new event so I would try to move on.

jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple · 20/12/2025 11:11

It is ok folk saying don't punish the kid for the mothers obscene behaviour but its never justified in my eyes to reward bad behaviour either. Sadly the mother sounds a lost cause which will always reflect badly on her daughter.

TunnocksOrDeath · 20/12/2025 11:08

LBFseBrom · 20/12/2025 06:06

You'd booked for six children so had no choice but it seems odd that this child, who is a longstanding friend of your daughter, was not invited.

I initially thought she was having a party at home and maybe there was no room for more than six children, eg if you lived in a small flat, but that was not the case and I'm the venue could have accommodated more than six, if they are used to hosting parties.

The mother seems very pushy and rather embarrassing, I can't imagine taking my child anywhere not invited, or my child wanting to go in those circumstances. They are not six year olds. However I do feel sorry for the kid. I also wonder if it will be talked about at school, embarrassing for your girl.

Anyway t's over now, you'll have to just put it behind you.

It's not odd at all. If she's 12 she is probably still friends with girls she knew at primary, but will have new friends from senior school too. For most girls her age choosing a top 5 will mean that some people will, necessarily, have to be left out. Venues often have strict limits, for example if our sports club lets more people in to an event than our allowed capacity we'd be breaking fire regs and could get shut down. Or if it was laser-quest and they were fully booked, they can't chuck someone else out, just to make space for some uninvited random. Or climbing walls - they have to maintain a staff-customer ratio else it's not safe.

Elsvieta · 20/12/2025 11:07

Of course you're not U - if the poor kid's batshit mother doesn't teach her social norms, the rest of the world will have to. Let's hope for her sake that she's a quick learner.

Maybe have a chat with dd and suggest that this weird behaviour is probably coming from the mother and not the kid, and it's really her friend's bad luck to have such a pushy mother. And that it could mess up the dynamic in her friendship group of eight if she just excludes one from the house party. After that, it's up to DD - she's at the age where she has to manage her own relationships.

TheGrimSmile · 20/12/2025 11:05

That just sounds so sad.