Uninvited child turned up

Yet, anyway.

OP’s daughter wants to distance herself from a girl who, along with her mother, thinks it’s fine to ignore being told no. She shouldn’t be forced to have this girl at her own birthday party in the name of being ‘kind’.

Just awful.

OP this is a genuinely juicy story... I've been waiting all day for an update or replies to comments.

Are you ok? Has the physco Mum cut off your head and popped it on her wall like you're a trophy deer or something?!

There haven’t been any demands made regarding that party.

100% this. My mother always was fair and thoughtful. I was taught to be kind to people, whatever background and there is always a reason for poor behaviour. I don’t think people who are kind and understanding are pushovers. I would definitely talk to the Mum another time and try to understand if there had been a miscommunication and talk through the issue. I would probably say “how did your daughter feel?” This would help understand the issue better instead of just being judgemental.

If you think that the tone of some the answers is proportionate to the matter we’re discussing - good for you.

It's not just the mother. It sounds like the mother is enabling a difficult child but it's the child who tried to force an invite, then found out the details and communicated them to her mother.
The child needs to learn consequences

I know. I’m talking about the party at OP’s home.

Except of course for the posters who apparently think that OP should prioritize this girl’s feelings and wishes above those of her own daughter at her own party. To be ‘nice’.

Who said anything about war, or being in a constant state of it? Having perspective would be to not conflate saying no to or distancing yourself from someone to war.

Life can be lived without being constantly at war with others. It’s not about being nice, or being taken advantage of, it’s just having some perspective. I read word ‘disgusting’, ‘atrocious’, ‘despicable’…

If no body else wants her there either it may well be that she’s either not nice to be around or they just don’t get in with her as she’s changed in different ways to the rest of the group. Not everyone gets on with everyone else. Sometimes, especially when growing up where you change quite rapidly, you need to move on and find friends you fit with better.

You cannot expect a friendship group of 8 kids to remain unchanged through secondary school. That’s entirely unreasonable.

Let the girl go obviously something is amiss there it's not normal behaviour something has obviously clicked on her with regards to this pasty let her go and invite her and then review after

Presumably the mother has learned that often people are too polite/unwilling to make a scene if she just shows up and pushes herself into things, but hadn't banked on the hard numbers limit here being external rather than set by what you were willing to pay for (as might have been the case at e.g.: a soft play party). More fool her.

They didn’t give in to what was demanded.

Imagine that happening and then being uninvited from the bigger group celebration as an extra punishment

I’d have been mortified if I was the uninvited child being ushered in by my mum. Disgusting behaviour.

Managing a situation doesn’t mean giving in to what is demanded. Rolling over in the name of ‘being kind’ only teaches those inclined to take advantage the lesson that riding roughshod is an effective way to get what you want. Conversely, it also teaches those being taking advantage of that they must accept this in order to be considered ‘nice’.

The feelings of this girl are in no way more important than the feelings of OP’s own child, in her own house, at her own party. She’s at an age where she can largely manage her own friendships, and can choose who she does and doesn’t want to be around.

This is definitely going to be fed by the mother - maybe she’s entitled or maybe her daughter is very sad at not being invited to things and the mother is over invested and handling this completely the wrong way.

It’s quite probable that the pestering behaviour at school has been driven by how her mum is with her at home.

It will be disappointing for her if she thought she was a top tier friend and has found out she’s valued a little lower in the group by your daughter. That’s life but still disappointing.

It’s of course up to your daughter but I would remind her that the mother’s behaviour is not the girls fault and that the girl will be upset at not being invited to the first thing and probably worried about what that means for their friendship and that plus her mother’s influence may have affected her actions

Hallelujah 🙌 Reading how hostile some mums are about a manageable situation is frightening. I recall my mother was always balanced and accepting, even of those with problems. Now, everyone seems so unforgiving and harsh.

This isn't the child's fault, and how did the mother seem to have all details of party,time, address etc if they hadn't been invited somehow..either way I wouldn't have not invited the whole small group of friends together when knowing they hung out together..neither would I exclude a child to my house based on a mother's ideas and actions. A child is a child regardless and it's the mother who should have backed off and explained to child not tried to force her way in.

Don’t invite her. Listen to your daughter here, why make her feel uncomfortable at her own party in her own house? Presumably, her birthday party is something you want her to enjoy.

Having sympathy for the girl doesn’t require making her your daughter’s problem. I don’t think it’s a great value to teach her either, if it even would instill anything in her but resentment.

Wow that is beyond weird.

This. Fuck around, find out

The blame is entirely on the mother for showing up like that. The girl wouldn’t have turned up alone, it was led by the adult. She wasn’t allowed to participate, so she has been shown that regardless of her mum teaching her that she can do what she wants, she absolutely can’t.

I would ask my DD to consider maybe not punishing the other girl any further by excluding her from a get together that does include everyone else (school and social experiences are brutal enough at that age). You’ve set a clear boundary and I would draw a line under it now andgive a 12 year old girl the opportunity to show she’s learned a lesson.

If she carries on doing things like that in the future, I would then think about stopping invites completely.