Uninvited child turned up

Valuable lesson here for your child about being forced to be polite and compliant.

Just tell them she isn’t invited
Their behaviour has been appalling

Very difficult situation. As much as it’s incredibly rude (I don’t think it’s normal behaviour) I feel for the 12 year old. I don’t think she is mature enough to deal with a pushy (unhinged) mother. A 12 year old girl (or boy) just wants to fit in with their peers. Hormones are raging. Experiences being shaped. This would have really affected me when I was 12. The child will now face an excruciating time back at school.

OP give the child a break here. Think from a 12 year old emotionally immature young girls perspective. You’ve no idea what her home life is like. Invite her to the gathering. It’s the Mother you need to put firmly in her place.

Warn the other mums? And continue the drama?

"young woman" 🙄

It's bordering on harrassment and stalking so I wouldn't invite the girl.to the party.

You'd booked for six children so had no choice but it seems odd that this child, who is a longstanding friend of your daughter, was not invited.

I initially thought she was having a party at home and maybe there was no room for more than six children, eg if you lived in a small flat, but that was not the case and I'm the venue could have accommodated more than six, if they are used to hosting parties.

The mother seems very pushy and rather embarrassing, I can't imagine taking my child anywhere not invited, or my child wanting to go in those circumstances. They are not six year olds. However I do feel sorry for the kid. I also wonder if it will be talked about at school, embarrassing for your girl.

Anyway t's over now, you'll have to just put it behind you.

I’d probably gently encourage my child to invite her, the poor child is being led by her mother. She’s not got a chance if her own mother isn’t teaching her how to behave.

I would go by what DD wants and have her back on it. The girl doesn't get to come to the other party if she doesn't want her there. I'd also warn the other mums about how this woman behaved. As they will certainly know already know now their daughters will have told them, but maybe only half the story.

That's really weird!

For the get together, you and your daughter need to balance the consequences of not inviting this girl with your daughter wishes.

If it creates a rift in the group, it could impact your daughter at school too.

I personally feel sorry for this girl as well, it's her parents who are teaching her that level of entitlement. She's still relatively young and if she is otherwise a good friend to the group, it would be a harsh punishment for something her mum is ultimately responsible for.

The mother sounded desperate but my god it’s scary that she and then the daughter went that far. I feel sorry for the child but then at the same time I agree if your child doesn’t want her there it’s her party. All a mess

I would have asked the venue to squeeze the girl in if possible but then spoken to the mother another time. I wouldn’t blame the young person.

Back in the day my own mother would behave in this manner. She simply didn’t get friendship, but was hot on mixing with what she referred to as the right people. She didn’t understand why I’d want any friends: “but what do you do with them?” never had a friend and regarded herself as above everyone else. I was frogmarched into many an excruciating situation, but would have refused at my peril.

The girl is mixing with others in school everyday, she knows how she should be behaving around her friends.

The CF mother isn’t interested in her child’s friendships, she is an entitled snob and you and your DD’s friendship group have been deemed the right people. She will cost her poor daughter many friendships, but isolation may well be her aim.

The child is 12. Plenty old enough to understand about boundaries, regardless of what her mother is telling her or how she's acting. Your daughter set a boundary and the other girl ignored it repeatedly. If your daughter doesn't want her at her other get together, she doesn't go. You do need to help your daughter communicate this so you're not going through the mother. Any further communication from the mother to you should be pushed back as 'this is between DD and your daughter. I'm supporting her to learn how to manage relationships independently from me. I won't be answering any further messages about this.'

she didn’t exclude 1. Only 2 were invited from school

You need to support your dd here. If you dont you are teaching her its okay to have her boundaries pushed even if it makes her uncomfortable..I cannot believe I just read this. Its absolute crazy entitled behaviour on behalf of the mother and child. I suspect there is a good reason she doesn't get invited to many parties..

My apologies,iv not woken up properly yet.

She needs to invite the other child too?

I’m not here to say she should or should not.

I’m here to say that that decision is entirely up to @Imjustshockedxand her daughter.

They know best.

She didn’t exclude one - only 2/8 from school were invited and the other 5 were fine with not being invited only CF and CF daughter were upset at not being invited

I knew 2 mothers like that, with kids the same age as my DD, who's now 20. Insufferable CFs.

If your DD doesn't want her there, then she doesn't get an invite 🤷‍♀️ I would send a text to the mother explaining that because of her perceived entitlement to be invited and her unhinged bullying behaviour, her daughter isn't invited.

I'm sure it won't be the end of it....

If they are all close friends you should of chose something different to do so they could could all attend,I don’t think it was nice to exclude one.

The (uninvited) daughter is learning terrible behaviour from her mother.

Because what rational, decent mother still takes her child to a party of ANY SIZE OR SORT when she obviously knows she isn’t invited and then argues first with the mum of the host child and THEN with somebody at the host venue??

I feel sorry for any little girl who has a mother like that.

I remember a thousand years ago when I turned 12 - my parents let me have a slumber party, my first and only one. I think we were a group of about 10-12 silly little girls, all in our sleeping bags in the back yard.
Oh - and my big scary dog there to protect us.
So anyhow, early the next morning, my mum and sister were up early fixing breakfast - and they were frying bacon, and lots of it.
My one friend wandered through the kitchen and said to them, “Well, at my house, my mother has breakfast on the table at 7 sharp. She had one sister, besides her parents.
Later on, my mom said she almost exploded - because here they were, cooking breakfast for TWELVE little girls, and it was 7;30am.
It made me mad, too.
But that was a really great birthday.
Thanks, Mom - I miss you ❤️

This is a very bizarre situation. I have been contacted by a parent asking if an invitation had gone astray (which it actually had, the whole class had been invited), but never had someone turn up regardless. I would try and handle it as sensitively as possible for the sake of the child. She is mirroring her mother’s behaviour, but doesn’t deserve to be ostracised for it moving forward.

I very much doubt this other child would have turned up uninvited to your DD’s party without her mother, and I wouldn’t mind betting that the fact that she pestered your DD for an invitation in the first place was at her mother’s instigation. Are you going to punish the child for the sins of her parent? I’d find out from your DD whether she really doesn’t want to invite her, or whether your DD is following your lead - it is easy to influence our offspring without thinking we’re doing so, and I’m sure you would have commented on the frankly outrageous behaviour of trying to gatecrash a party to which she had explicitly not been invited. It would be a little pointed not to invite this child if she’s one of a “group” - unless the house visit is imminent, I’d wait a little and ask your dad again whether she wants to invite this girl. If she’s still part of “the group”, though, I can see that it might be difficult to exclude her on this occasion.

I would assume this child has been on the edges of the group for a while if she isn't getting invited to many other parties either. She may be challenging socially (maybe she's ND in a way that makes it difficult for her, or maybe it's just that she has a batshit mother who's brought her up to be entitled and annoying) or she may just need to find friends who she fits in with better.

Your DD is in secondary so it should be her decision whether she invites the girl to her party or not. But I would remind her that what she does could have ramifications with the whole group of 8. That the girl's mother may have been the instigator. And that a one off incident (if that's what it is) is normally worth forgiving, not ramping things up over. But she will know the girl better than you and will have to live with what happens, so it needs to be her decision.

No the child does not need to invited, the answer is the mother needs help that is not the responsibility of the op