Uninvited child turned up

Well done to you (and the venue) for sticking to your guns.
Re: the house party invitation, I think it depends. I think there’s a different feel to withdrawing it as some kind of punishment for or consequence to the entitled and rude behaviour just seen, as opposed to your dd just not wanting to have her there because the friendship is done or there are social issues within the group connected to this particular member.
So yes, it comes down to you being led by your dd.
I think that maybe my preferred option (if you have the balls, which I reckon you do) is to allow her to come but message the mother privately explaining your thoughts about her rude behaviour but despite that, her dd can still attend the house party.

Totally agree. I have 2 teenage girls, it is so difficult with friendship groups. I wouldn't be alienating this girl further, her mother seems to have no emotional intelligence, her life will be hard enough.

Dont continue the drama.

Because the daughter’s reason to exclude her is as punishment; not because they aren’t friends.
If she wasn’t part of the friendship group it would be a different conversation.

Awful behaviour!
What a bizarre woman to do that. She absolutely made it even worse for her own daughter by having her get sent away from the venue!
I’m afraid I’d really struggle to invite that child to anything after this.

I changed my mind on this reading the other posts.

At first I thought your DD should invite her to the party at the house: excluding her would be mean and cause further rifts with a girl who seems to be struggling socially. But actually, I've been persuaded that if your daughter doesn't want a girl there who turned up uninvited and made a scene at an event she was hosting, I think that's fair.

Partly for me, it would hinge on the behaviour of the other girl on the day. Was she annoyed because her mum had told her "we'll go along anyway and it'll be fine" and then it wasn't - so annoyed at her mum? Or was she be annoyed because she felt entitled to be there? Which is to say, I don't think this girl should be punished for having a crazy mother. But she also has to learn that breaking very explicit social rules - like not turning up to a party you're not invited to - has consequences.

I have a 12 year old dd and an older dd so have hosted plenty of parties, and attended many. I have never seen or heard of anything like this.

I have no time for such behaviour and would be informing the mother that her actions have consequences. The child would not be invited to anything again and I would be blocking the number of her mother.

I would be angry this mother did this and caused a scene at my dd's party. Unless severe mental health issues are at play, this is just entitled, cheeky fuckery! We read about enough of it on here to know how prevalent it is.

OP has been very clear, there was a cap on numbers, that wasn't feasible. The only way she could have been 'squeezed in' would have been for another girl to have missed out. However, even if that were possible, there's no way I would have allowed it and rewarded their entitled behaviour - I have no doubt the girl was in on it. At 12 children are old enough to have an opinion and be quite vocal about it! I doubt this girl was dragged there. Sounds like this mum intended to make the situation as awkward as possible so that OP would eventually cave. Incredibly rude and selfish.

For the mass meet up I would go with what the daughter wants - it's her birthday after all. Also, if she doesn't invite the cheeky girl, they both get a valuable lesson that actions have consequences.

Exactly.
Soon enough the daughter will be making her own arrangements with friends anyway, without the mother's involvement.
But Pps logic that "it's just the mother driving it, you cant leave poor little girl out" is absurd. OP's daughter is also 12 and was appalled at friend's behaviour, she doesn't want her invited anywhere now. That's all that matters. And nothing OP should be guilt tripped about, this is truly unhinged behaviour, it would be mad to encourage it further.
I would send a very STRONG message to CF mum and Block. She ever tries anything like this again be loud and clear that you dont want them there and they need to leave now. If it's your house dont even open the door.

How have they all got on at school this week, after the party?

Your daughter's birthday- she invites who she wants. If they hadn't of acted that way and this girl was the only one not invited I would say she should be invited.
However... I wouldn't be teaching my daughter to be involved in this type of behaviour, ro feel uncomfortable at her birthday gathering, and actually I wouldn't be rewarding that mother. You'll be creating a bigger, more entitled monster that your daughter has to deal with.

The girl wants to come but at the point she told her mum this, it’s the parents responsibility to tell her she can’t attend. The mother in this situation hasn’t parented - explaining that you don’t always get invited. She’s instead made the situation worse by bringing her daughter anyway and then acting like an entitled brat.

I wouldn’t invite the girl to the next gathering. If you know any of their other friends parents I would perhaps be asking subtly there have been any other issues.

As an aside, at secondary I didn’t attend any parties with my DC - other than when hosting obviously, they’d have been mortified!

Why reward shitty behaviour? They will never learn that they can't behave like that. Presumably the fact that the venue said no and dealt with it, then it absolutely wasn't an option. Probably due to health and safety or that fact a set amount was paid to do the activity, why should they bully their way in??

As others have said this is seriously unhinged behaviour from the mother. I don’t think your DD should be forced to invite this other girl to the next gathering but you need to be honest as to why. Actions do have consequences, it’s a good life lesson that you can’t just bully your way into being invited. If you do leave this girl out though both you and your daughter need to give a consistent message that their behaviour at the birthday party means that you no longer wish for her to attend.

God, I had a mother like that. I couldn’t sing for shit so was never picked to sing at school events. She used to frogmatch me to them at the village hall/church and Make me go on stage anyway. I was a laughing stock.

She also did this once when I was about 8 and wasn’t invited to a party- took me anyway. Mortified. She died when I was 11, but I guarantee she would have carried that shit on.

I know this is different as the child was also demanding to be let in as well - but she’s probably learned that from years of this shitty behaviour from her mother.

But OP - don’t leave her out of the other party. Teenage girls can be really fucking nasty. You never know if something will happen in the group over the next year or so and not inviting her will come back to bite your dd on the arse, making her the villain (I also have experience of that and it was hell).

The mother’s behaviour was incredibly rude, yes the kid was also there, but I doubt she would have turned up without the mum, so it’s on her. But just invite her to the next thing.

I would let your dd decide.

This 100%

This reminds me of when my child was in primary school. A party was happening (my child wasn’t invited as she didn’t play with birthday child, fair enough ) I was speaking to another parent who was annoyed her child hadn’t got an invitation. The parent then informed me she was just going to turn up to the party anyway. I managed to convince her this was a bad idea . But I couldn’t quite believe she even thought to do this .

We have no idea that it’s down to the mother. Yes she may be facilitating the chuld’s behaviour, but anyone who has had a twelve year old absolutely knows they are capable of manipulative behaviour.

By forcing the DD to invite her she is being taught that manipulation gets her what she wants, and the DD is learning that her boundaries are irrelevant in the face of manipulation.

I’d message the mother and say -

Due to your unhinged behaviour and encouraging your child Daphne to act similarly, Daphne is no longer invited to our home.

Block her and encourage your child to drop Daphne as she and her mother are only going to cause trouble.

This, why do people think “no, your child shouldn’t have the party they want, they need to cater for everyone else”! Suppose it’s the same as weddings on mn! “Absolutely not sure you have an intimate wedding at a boutique hotel with your nearest and dearest.. if it’s jam sandwiches in the church hall so you can invite 2nd cousin twice removed Betsy and her dh and 7 dc, plus grandmas friends from yoga, THATS what you should be doing!!!”

Why does the other girl's wanting to be included, trump OPs daughter's wish NOT to invite her?

You are suggesting she invites an unwanted girl because of the other mother's behaviour.

People pleasing at its finest

Yup. This. They sound bloody nuts tbh. I feel really sorry for the child but absolutely would avoid these people forevermore. OP cannot fix whatever is wrong with the mother and it is abundantly clear it will escalate if she has anything to do with them at all.

If one isn't coming to the next party out of eight of them I would want them to know from the horse's mouth why, rather than hear rumours. Two of them will have heard about what happened from their daughters already, if not more.

I agree with this.
Excluding the daughter is punishment for having a difficult mother. And I think having a difficult mother in punishment enough for her.

The mother is to blame 100%. I'm so glad my dad taught me that in life, friendships can ebb and flow, and that 'you won't always be invited to every party'. Severe lack of emotional intelligence here.