Uninvited child turned up

People don’t just suddenly become CF’s. It’s learned behaviour from a young age and it may not be ‘their fault’ but if it ‘works’ they will continue to do it. Establish the boundary now. The apple clearly doesn’t fall far from the tree.

We had a situation a few years ago where a friend of our DD was very over the top with respect to how she treated her- right down to going to the loo with her cos they should do everything ‘together’. That along with the love bombing meant DD had to, very bravely tho with encouragement from us, just say enough was enough and knock the whole thing on the head. The mother then called me to say it didn’t matter that my DD was feeling so uncomfortable because if DD didn’t fit in with what her child wanted, she would be upset and it wasn’t ‘fair’. It was mind boggling.

Having been through though, my DD has no problem establishing boundaries and in this day and age with all those out there looking to take advantage I am extremely pleased.

I feel so sorry for this girl having a mother like that. Our job as parents is to teach our children how to navigate friendships and deal with disappointment with good grace. If her daughter was upset at not being invited, she should have been there to listen to her and comfort her, and perhaps offered to take her out for a coffee or a pizza that afternoon to make up for it. What you do not do though is bring her to the party where she will have to be rejected to her face. It's just really bad parenting and I feel sorry for her that with this woman setting the example she may never learn what good behaviour is, and is in for a lot more heartbreak if these sorts of situations continue

Didn't mean to quote myself was trying to copy paste don't know how I did that. Sorry. So, yep, OP definitely did the right thing. Her daughter chose who she wanted at her party, the girl wasn't part of that choice. Everyone has a right to exclude people from their lives, parties, gatherings, homes etc - and it happens to all of us. Such is life. How cruel the other mother was to do this to her child - but the OP didn't cause that cruelty.

The bulldozer mother's behaviour was frankly barmy. While I do feel sorry for the child, having any contact with them beyond that required by politeness will escalate matters. You cannot be friends with a person who will not hear no for an answer.

OPs duty is to her kid. OPs daughter is not a body shield, or comfort blanket for a pushy, entitled mother and her child. She had a right to have a nice birthday with the friends she chose. I am glad OP politely insisted that the answer was still no.

OP must now follow her daughter's wishes and not invite the child her daughter does not want to be around to her daughter's home. OPs daughter's instincts are good, she knows instinctively that turning up despite repeated Nos and trying to bulldozer someone's clear and fair boundary is weird, abrasive, antisocial and unsettling.

We do not insist that adults be forced to tolerate other adults leeching onto them and let them into their own home and neither should we insist upon this for a child. All that teaches them is that #bekind is more important than our own boundaries.

The #bekind mentality - almost always aimed at females - causes immense harm. And it is rarely ever kind to the person who wants to say no.

Glad your dd is inviting her to your house

hope all goes well

If her daughter wanted to uninvite her, distance herself or cut her off she wouldn’t be wrong to, either. You can have empathy for the girl without believing she’s owed the friendship of OP’s DD regardless of her own feelings on the matter.

Sorry, I wasn't meaning to victim-blame at all. Just pondering as to whether the mum is the main instigator for her own satisfaction; whether it's the mum meaning to push her daughter forwards in the mistaken idea that she's helping her to get what she wants; or whether the daughter is an entitled brat (and granted, that would be down to poor parenting) who makes demands of her mum and she never says No.

I'd be interested to know how the conversation went between them once they learned that there was a birthday event on, but that she wasn't invited this time.

Also, they are kids; and it doesn’t matter your intent if it comes across as punishment /bullying/ostracisation. This kid has enough to deal with with her mum, the op and her dd have rightly chosen not to blatantly cut her out.

It’s the very definition of punishment.

“the infliction or imposition of a restriction, financial penalty, form of suffering, or other undesired consequence for an offence.”

The offence being having a metal mum.

This is like saying “Why doesn’t she just leave him?”.

I thought we’d evolved past blaming victims for their own abuse. Particularly children who have no real agency or real ability to push back against abusive parents.

Being browbeaten could be the least of this girl’s worries. None of us knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I agree - but you'd think she'd have a bit of pushback by the age of 12, and outright refuse to go.

Then again, I suppose if she's been browbeaten over enough time, maybe she's just used to never saying No to her mum?

She’s a twelve year old girl who has been humiliated by her narcissistic mother.

Frankly (although I know that OP has now done so anyway), it seems a pretty moot point agonising over whether or not to invite this girl - as her mother doesn't take any notice of invitations and clearly just sends her anyway if she hears of a party or event that she fancies going to.

It's a bit like, if you owned a shop, considering long and hard exactly how much you need to charge for a popular item, in order to cover your costs and make a reasonable profit - when you know very well that the local thieves are just going to pounce and swipe your entire stock anyway.

I was in a group of 3 friends from year 7 at school and we spent most of our time together equally.
We stayed at each of our houses almost every weekend rotating and hung around together at school. Any parties or sleepovers we did as a threesome but we didn’t really see each other much after school.

I lived round the corner from my friend Laura but our friend Jess lived in a village 8 miles away which is also where we all went to school. Occasionally we’d go to Jess’s house after school for tea and catch the next bus home but it was rare Laura and I spent time without Jess as we got home from school at 4.30 did homework, had tea and went to bed to get up early for the bus the next morning.

At 15 I had a boyfriend who was 18 so didn’t want my parents to find out, I started lying saying I was going to Laura’s house after school when I was actually seeing him.
Laura and Jess both knew and covered for me plenty of times when I said I was seeing them but was with my boyfriend.

One day my mum ran into Jess’s mum and made a comment about how I spent so much time at Laura’s house and how close we all were as friends, she assumed I was with both of them when I lied and was with my boyfriend and joked that Laura’s mum must be sick of us “all” spending so much time there.

Jess’s mum then assumed that we were “leaving Jess out” and ganging up on her and got herself worked up about it despite never even speaking to Jess.

The next time Laura and I went to Jess’s house to stay for the weekend her mum went absolutely berserk at us and called us “horrible little bullies” for isolating her daughter and accused us of giving her severe mental health issues in future.
Jess was mortified and begging her to stop shouting at us and said she didn’t know what she was talking about but she threw us out of the house.
My dad had to pay £20 for a taxi home for us because our car was in the garage and Laura’s parents had a drink and were over the limit to drive.

It was embarrassing and upsetting and unfortunately it pretty much ended our friendship with Jess as we didn’t want to stay at her house and with her living out of town it meant we didn’t see each other as much. We also didn’t get the full story till later and assumed Jess had told her mum these things and so there was a few arguments and the friendship didn’t recover.

Laura is still my best friend of over 30 years now and I think we’d have stayed a trio if Jess’s mum hadn’t behaved like that. I felt sorry for her because she struggled to make new friends afterwards but we left school soon after so I hope she made friends elsewhere.
She was supposed to be doing the same college course as me and Laura but changed it to avoid us, her family moved away later and when Facebook first became popular we sent messages to get in touch again but she blocked us so was obviously still hurt and angry.

I don’t think it helps when parents try to get involved with friendships once they are no longer needed to help facilitating them. I feel sorry for the girl who wasn’t invited in the OP but hopefully her mum will have learnt her lesson not to get involved. It should be up to OP’s daughter if she wants to invite the girl to her party or not, there might have been a reason why she isn’t invited to most parties and forcing her into the group won’t help.
If OP’s daughter really likes her then hopefully it’ll blow over but we don’t know if this was down to the mother or if the girl is so pushy that this was her choice to intrude and this might be why she wasn’t invited to start with.

No, the invite should be revoked when the mum didn’t hear “no” from you-it’s absolutely disrespectful and isn’t helping encouraging her daughter to be one of those obnoxious kids who get whatever they want and thinks the world revolves around them. You teach people how to treat you.

Can't believe this is secondary. I actually feel very sorry for the kid - I knew one mum who tried to push her kid into things in the infants, but to be fair she stopped after this.
Not got any experience of parents interfering at HIGH school at all, but when a mum (maybe she's related to this one!) tried to push her way into our nights out, we just bluntly told her to get her own friends. Sounds harsh, but she actually thought her daughter (we were all teens) was her best friend, and she kept trying to join us on nights out. Her daughter, our poor friend, kept cringing that her mum wanted to hang out with us and the only thing that worked was being honest. Bit harder if it's a mum pushing a kid in though.

Some activities can be quite expensive subject is another reason that the whole group may not be invited.

Years ago DD had a segway birthday event and at £40p per person (without food), numbers had to be limited.

Like the OP, more of her friends were invited to a separate celebration on another date. Its important they the celebrant has the event they want.

I don't like excluding people, but these are secondary school kids and mother and child should have known better. My kids wouldn't have wanted to go a party they weren't invited to at any age.

I bet you wouldn't use the term "witch hunt" for a group of men.

Nowhere has op said itsa punishment. It's much more likely the daughter has seen how friend acts, and is freaked out by this and doesn't want a repeat performance if she doesn't get her way

That's so weird. You're entitled not to invite the child and the mother caused the problem by turning up, no doubt telling the child it was fine to do so, and upsetting everyone in the process. I'd keep distance from them.

Hiw do you know that? Op hasn't said what the venue was and she hasn't said it was a party. She has said it was a max of 6 though, that doesn't sound like a party. And moat venues have set numbers for a reason, not just for fun or for arbitrary reasons.

Lol no she absolutely does not need to invite her. They've crossed a boundary and acted in a very bizarre manner. The child does t want her there either. Op ignore this advice, don't encourage this behaviour.

Yep, OP did the right thing. Her daughter chose who she wanted at her party, the girl wasn't part of that choice. Everyone has a right to exclude people from their lives, parties, gatherings, homes etc - and it happens to all of us. Such is life. How cruel the other mother was to do this to her child - but the OP didn't cause that cruelty.

The bulldozer mother's behaviour was frankly barmy. While I do feel sorry for the child, having any contact with them beyond that required by politeness will escalate matters. You cannot be friends with a person who will not hear no for an answer.

OPs duty is to her kid. OPs daughter is not a body shield, or comfort blanket for a pushy, entitled mother and her child. She had a right to have a nice birthday with the friends she chose. I am glad OP politely insisted that the answer was still no.

OP must now follow her daughter's wishes and not invite the child her daughter does not want to be around to her daughter's home. OPs daughter's instincts are good, she knows instinctively that turning up despite repeated Nos and trying to bulldozer someone's clear and fair boundary is weird, abrasive, antisocial and unsettling.

We do not insist that adults be forced to tolerate other adults leeching onto them and let them into their own home and neither should we insist upon this for a child. All that teaches them is that #bekind is more important than our own boundaries.

The #bekind mentality - almost always aimed at females - causes immense harm. And it is rarely ever kind to the person who wants to say no.

@Hufflemuff
Exactly!
@Imjustshockedx - are you there 👋🏻