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Original poster

Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

214 replies

Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 02:11

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 20/12/2025 07:47

Ritual9 · 20/12/2025 05:21

To be honest I would give her notice too. I know she’s very young and lost but would worry about her poor judgement if she’s ever in the house alone especially with a baby. Presuming there’s a reason her parents asked her to leave? Do you know what it is?

This. If she doesn’t have the judgement to realise how inappropriate it is to ask for a regularly drunken man to come and stay at your house, she will be sneaking him (and other people) in when you are out. Let her go.

bigboykitty · 20/12/2025 07:40

No he can't stay. This is our family home and it's not appropriate. We are concerned about your relationship with this person, but if you want to have him in your home, then maybe a house share would work better for you than lodging with a family. Do you want to take a week to find somewhere more suitable? In the meantime, he's not welcome here at all.

B1anche · 20/12/2025 07:34

This reply has been deleted

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The OP says he looks 10 years older than them. They are mid 30s. This would suggest he is in his 40s. OP says he looks rough and smells of alcohol, which is why previous posters might have made the assumption that he is homeless. Plus if he had a place to live, surely the lodger could go and stay with him rather than him with her.

ParmaVioletTea · 20/12/2025 07:25

YANBU.

And I’d be counting the silver (metaphorically) after he’s visited.

CalculatingCrispen · 20/12/2025 07:25

This reply has been deleted

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Timeforanamechangeagain2 · 20/12/2025 07:24

Have you asked her why he tripped over the pram and whether he was drunk and has alcohol problems? For a start he shouldn’t be coming over in a drunken state to a family home.

Coatsoff42 · 20/12/2025 07:18

Absolutely not, it’s your home and it’s not at all unreasonable to only want people you know and trust in it with your baby. I wouldn’t sleep a wink and would have horrors of bumping into him on the way to the bathroom in the night.

Also, it might create a safe space for your lodger to have someone else enforce the rules. It is easier to say ‘I’m not allowed to’ rather than ‘I don’t want to’. It might be helpful for her.

MangaKanga · 20/12/2025 07:15

Protect your baby. I wouldn't have the lodger either tbh. You just don't know what their intentions are and your baby can't speak up for herself.

Jennyginger · 20/12/2025 07:11

Whywhywhyyyy · 20/12/2025 02:25

She’s half adopted a 40yo homeless man?

Er no, lay down the law. This is our house. We have a baby. You are not inviting a 40yo homeless man round willy nilly.

Tbh I would just serve notice. Anyone with that judgement cannot be trusted surely. You will go on holiday or weekend away and come back to your house emptied by crackheads.

Where does it say he’s homeless?

Isittimeformynapyet · 20/12/2025 06:59

@heightcomparison

Can you explain the relevance of that thing you just linked to please.

Empress13 · 20/12/2025 06:46

No no no ! I would bet money that letting him stay over will be him moving in ! You will then have trouble evicting him. Trust your gut you would never forgive yourself if anything untoward happened

grinchmcgrinchface · 20/12/2025 06:45

God no, he wouldnt be allowed in my home. Your house, your rules if she doesnt like it she needs to find a new place to rent!

Isittimeformynapyet · 20/12/2025 06:41

Whywhywhyyyy · 20/12/2025 02:25

She’s half adopted a 40yo homeless man?

Er no, lay down the law. This is our house. We have a baby. You are not inviting a 40yo homeless man round willy nilly.

Tbh I would just serve notice. Anyone with that judgement cannot be trusted surely. You will go on holiday or weekend away and come back to your house emptied by crackheads.

"homeless"?

Why the need to add your own information to this situation? It makes you look weird and unintelligent.

OP, it'd be a flat no from me (and I break loads of MN rules).

Pancakeorcrepe · 20/12/2025 06:36

This is such a bad idea!
OP you should have said no from the very beginning. Say no to visits, let alone sleepovers. This is your home. You have a tiny baby!

susey · 20/12/2025 06:34

No overnight guests.

Simple rule. State it like that and it's not personal.

She is a lodger not a tenant and as such, your house, your rules.

Horses7 · 20/12/2025 06:27

NOOOOO!
I’m afraid the lodger would get the heave-ho too!

Daisymay8 · 20/12/2025 06:15

She could easy meet up with this friend in a cafe or out for a walk in the park or a million other places. No need to come to her room and into your house.

Does she have a support worker or anyone?

Owly11 · 20/12/2025 06:15

No to staying over and no to visits. I would probably ask her to move out too. Her situation sounds sad and difficult but you need to prioritise your own family not put them at risk by allowing random people into your home. She clearly has poor judgement and so is a risk to herself and others.

B1anche · 20/12/2025 06:12

Are you insane? By letting this drunk stranger into your home, you are putting the wants of this lodger over the needs of your baby. You do not know this man, he reeks of alcohol, cannot walk straight, but you are giving him access to your home. This is a massive risk. Stop worrying about disappointing your lodger, and put your family first.

LBFseBrom · 20/12/2025 06:07

No! He can visit occasionally but not stay over. He sounds horrible, quite unwholesome.

HowDairy · 20/12/2025 06:07

For you to even post this means you're not comfortable with it.

Trust your gut. Always.

Dollymylove · 20/12/2025 06:01

Oh God no dont let this man in your house. I have been a lodger when I was young and single and the rule was always no overnight guests

Ritual9 · 20/12/2025 05:21

To be honest I would give her notice too. I know she’s very young and lost but would worry about her poor judgement if she’s ever in the house alone especially with a baby. Presuming there’s a reason her parents asked her to leave? Do you know what it is?

JustMyView13 · 20/12/2025 05:19

She’s your lodger, not your daughter, and you should therefore not over involve yourself in her relationship. She is an adult, free to make her own choices.
That said, I wouldn’t have a stranger in the house for the sake of your own child. It’s a safeguarding risk. I certainly wouldn’t allow him to stay over. As others have said, he’ll be moving in by stealth.

sesquipedalian · 20/12/2025 05:17

OP, this is your home - you absolutely must put yourselves and your baby first. No way would I let some drunken randomer stay over in my house when I had a baby to look after. I think you need to speak to your lodger about this relationship. It’s possible that if she’s been tipped out by her parents, she’s latched on to someone as a “father figure” - or alternatively, this relationship is the reason she’s been banished from home. Either way, though, you don’t need to have this person around your home or in the vicinity of your baby. There is a massive difference between being a lodger and renting in an HMO - if she wants to have visitors to stay over, suggest she needs to find a place in a shared house.