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Original poster

Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

214 replies

Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 02:11

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

OP posts:
Whywhywhyyyy · 20/12/2025 12:11

Isittimeformynapyet · 20/12/2025 06:41

"homeless"?

Why the need to add your own information to this situation? It makes you look weird and unintelligent.

OP, it'd be a flat no from me (and I break loads of MN rules).

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Er. They are clearly homeless.

Why do so many people in this country want to live devoid of any reality. Even seeing something or making deductions based on another’s account is nope. No not even doctors or science is truth either. Not the news telling truth. Not someone’s account on social media. That photo could be not real.

Seriously how do they function!

I bet you would accept the random homeless guys words as truth 😂 literally the person you should take the most pinch of salt with.

Luckyingame · 20/12/2025 11:57

Absolutely not. Offer them a hand, next they bite your arm off.
Never.
Speaking from experience.

Original poster
Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 11:51

MangaKanga · 20/12/2025 09:07

Because knowing who is in the house with your baby is worth more than 7.5k tax free income to most people, surely.

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Well we are more useful to our baby if we can keep a roof over our heads. Sadly we are not all rich and her income really helps us with the rent. We’ve already been evicted once when baby was born (landlord wanted to sell). So we found a good deal but the only way we can afford it for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 11:47

PigeonsandSquirrels · 20/12/2025 08:52

Just say no. Not with the baby here and no DBS check. Although why you’ve got a lodger when you have a baby is crazy to me.

our rent is very high and we had a huge dip in income this year due to ill health. It’s hopefully a short term fix.

The baby sleeps with us and except for this boyfriend situation, she keeps out of our way. Works for half the day and is either in her room or using facilities. So it was fine.

OP posts:
Beentheredonethat98 · 20/12/2025 11:45

Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 11:36

I know you shouldn’t judge a book - but he looks tired, but almost as if you haven’t had a shower in a while. Has mumbled speech, (he will say things like “hello” and “thanks for letting me stay”) so short speech. He has come with a suitcase a few times. We did ask her if he has somewhere to live, and she said he does - so that is cleared up. He has staggered in every time. It’s so so strange.

I wouldn’t want him dating my 19year old. It’s hard not to be judgy when your first instinct is concern

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When it comes to protecting your child, yourself and your home you absolutely need to be judgy.

Stop this man coming to your home. You are endangering your child.

Original poster
Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 11:43

WaterVolePocketWatch · 20/12/2025 03:42

What does your lodger do for money, OP? Job?

He never stays over. This was the first time she asked if he can. She always asks (which are the rules).

She’s a waitress. We have her dad as a guarantor. Apparently she met said boyfriend at work, so he will come over for an hour before their shift and they will leave together. Or sometimes he will just come over for a short while, and leave. Sometimes she is out all night (again she can do what she wants). He has never stayed the night.

She’s a young Eastern European girl and seems close to her family, I don’t know if this makes a difference. Her dad is her with new wife and everyone else is abroad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 11:36

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 02:35

Has she told you this? What was it due to? Things like this man?

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I know you shouldn’t judge a book - but he looks tired, but almost as if you haven’t had a shower in a while. Has mumbled speech, (he will say things like “hello” and “thanks for letting me stay”) so short speech. He has come with a suitcase a few times. We did ask her if he has somewhere to live, and she said he does - so that is cleared up. He has staggered in every time. It’s so so strange.

I wouldn’t want him dating my 19year old. It’s hard not to be judgy when your first instinct is concern

OP posts:
BillieWiper · 20/12/2025 11:01

Just say no. You wanted one person living with you and sharing your facilities, not two. You have the baby to consider. Not like you need to tell her you think he's a drunken axe murderer, just that it could disturb the baby's sleep pattern and daily routine.

Even if bf was responsible, sober, well groomed and a similar age to her it wouldn't be a good idea.

If he moves in it'll happen under your nose by stealth and you'll have a nightmare getting rid.

Lurkingandlearning · 20/12/2025 11:00

Her family asked her to leave and find her own way
Unfortunately there is usually a very good reason why parents do this and it’s often done as a last resort. And no one is going to tell someone they want to move in with that they had to move out of their parents’ house because their own behaviour was appalling.

You can tell her this guy or anyone at all can’t stay overnight. She might even keep to that. But I think you can see her judgment is questionable for her to have thought it was ok to bring him into your home in the first place. Even if I didn’t have a baby, I think I would now be on edge.

As she wants to spend time with friends when she is at home I would tell her it’s time to get a room in a house share. Present it to her as being good for her, more fun and so on but that it is definitely time for her to leave.

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 20/12/2025 10:57

I would absolutely not be allowing any random man staying in the house overnight with my children. I think I would ban him altogether from your description.

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 10:39

I would simply say no to overnight guests. In doing so you are not only protecting your house and children but also her.

SelfRaisingFlour · 20/12/2025 10:27

I wouldn't let him visit at all. It's your home and he's trying to move in with a much younger woman and your family by stealth.

tlofmlwcharlie · 20/12/2025 10:17

I'd be banning him completely and if she doesn't like it she can leave. You can't have some random drunk showing up all the time, even during the day and absolutely not with a baby in the house.

Muffinmam · 20/12/2025 10:14

Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 02:25

I agree. We feel abit protective over her as she is so young. Her family asked her to leave and find her own way - so she’s doing just that. But we are concerned about what this relationship is.

I agree with you all. We will also limit the days he can come over - and I’ll tell OH that we need to put a stop to it. When we first saw him we thought he was homeless - it was very strange.

He looks homeless. He’s drunk in your home. Why haven’t you banned him?! What on earth are you thinking?!

Muffinmam · 20/12/2025 10:13

You have a baby!! Absolutely not!! This is highly inappropriate. He should not be in your house and quite frankly neither should she!!

What on earth are you thinking?!

SoLongLuminosity · 20/12/2025 10:09

"I'm sorry but no. This is a family home and weve rented the room to you as we felt you were the best fit and the maximum capacity we want is three adults in the home. Sleepovers will need to be at his home."

LargeJugs · 20/12/2025 10:06

She needs a flat share if she wants overnight guests.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 20/12/2025 10:03

Redburnett · 20/12/2025 09:53

Why are you asking random strangers on the internet, obviously you just say no. If you agree you are likely to find you have two lodgers before long. You will be doing the girl a favour saying no, since he is obviously not good for her. In your position I would not even allow him in your house at all, he is not a suitable person to be anywhere near a baby.

I don’t know, maybe she’s asking random strangers on the internet because she has never been in this position before, she wants to do the right thing and her dh disagrees with her?

Ritual9 · 20/12/2025 10:00

Goldongold · 20/12/2025 09:05

Crazy? It’s a 7.5k tax free decent income for a young family and I don’t know why more people don’t consider it

Probably because of situations like the OPs, which are quite common? I’ve had three lodgers before having my family, one was fine and a friend, the other two were a nightmare - one was violent and one stole from me when she left - I wouldn’t risk it now I have DCs unless I was 100% certain they were not a risk. Even then I would be asking them to leave at the first sign of trouble.

OP is it difficult to find a lodger where you are? Sounds like a professional in their 20s/30s would be a better fit if you need the income.

SatsumaDog · 20/12/2025 09:57

Redburnett · 20/12/2025 09:53

Why are you asking random strangers on the internet, obviously you just say no. If you agree you are likely to find you have two lodgers before long. You will be doing the girl a favour saying no, since he is obviously not good for her. In your position I would not even allow him in your house at all, he is not a suitable person to be anywhere near a baby.

Good point! OP would definitely be doing her a favour by refusing. He sounds like bad news.

SatsumaDog · 20/12/2025 09:55

It would be a firm no from me. She is your lodger, not him. He sounds like he could become a risk to you and possibly your child. Nip it on the bud now before it becomes a regular thing. If they want to move in together then she needs to give her notice and find somewhere else.

Redburnett · 20/12/2025 09:53

Why are you asking random strangers on the internet, obviously you just say no. If you agree you are likely to find you have two lodgers before long. You will be doing the girl a favour saying no, since he is obviously not good for her. In your position I would not even allow him in your house at all, he is not a suitable person to be anywhere near a baby.

Theroadt · 20/12/2025 09:47

No, and stand your ground. He may have clean background check but it means nothing frankly if your instincts are off.

Shedeboodinia · 20/12/2025 09:42

No to the man and also, if the lodger is not your responsibility, ie a family member or best friends child, then I would be reconsidering the whole lodger situation with a young baby in the house. Your lifestyle is vastly different to a 19 year old with no kids, I don't think it's compatible. If she was your own child or a family member you could have more say in elwhat she did and how she behaves but as a paying lodger I think you become unstuck and it could end badly anyway.

RappelChoan · 20/12/2025 09:24

I would sit her down and say ok Lodger, you are an adult, but haven’t been one for long so let me give you some guidance along with explaining the house rule. When you asked if your boyfriend could come over, I wasn’t expecting a drunken man who doesn’t take care of himself or consider others. This is not an appropriate person to have in this family home, and to be honest it’s beyond me what he is adding to your life. You are an independent woman, you don’t need to be taking care of someone else.