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AIBU?

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Original poster

Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

214 replies

Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 02:11

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

OP posts:
Laurmolonlabe · 21/12/2025 23:07

Just say you don't feel comfortable with him staying over-end of.

smallsilvercloud · 21/12/2025 22:30

I would not allow an alcoholic to stay in my home not even to visit, he’s sounds rough. I’m surprised she’s not embarrassed by his behaviour. I’d also worry she’ll also start behaving like him.

TheGander · 21/12/2025 21:59

People will say I’m stereotyping but here goes. High rates of alcohol abuse and domestic violence in Eastern Europe and I’d be worried this young girl is getting into a bad cycle of accepting aberrant behaviour from men. It’s really not healthy for her to be in a relationship with san alcoholic, I hope she gets rid before he drags her down. Glad you put your foot down OP, let’s hope she does too.

bettyboo9 · 21/12/2025 21:36

Nope

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/12/2025 21:21

I would worry too, she has been kicked out by dad and his new wife (wonder who was behind that....) and has now taken up with a man who just happens to be old enough to be her father.

This young woman needs help and if the OP can do that in a "hands off" way by enforcing rules like no sleep overs, then I think thats a good thing.

GreyBeeplus3 · 21/12/2025 21:19

If not careful he will become a permanent fixture
Just curious, how on earth did they meet?
You may feel responsible for her but don't let that get in the way
So, hes not allowed to visit
Cannot stay over
And fancy being so drunk you trip over the baby's pram?
Supposing baby had been in it?
Tell she can always see him elsewhere
And if she doesn't like that
She goes

berlinbaby2025 · 21/12/2025 20:59

Like I said the other day, OP and her partner could just get rid of the lodger and move into a one bedroom flat - cheaper rent and no safeguarding issues.

ShawnaMacallister · 21/12/2025 20:26

berlinbaby2025 · 20/12/2025 09:07

Because children could be at risk living with strangers or people you don’t know well? Some things are more important than money!

Show quote history

Keeping a roof over your head is pretty bloody important. I've had a lot of lodgers and none of them have ever had the opportunity to get anywhere near my child without me there, it's not that difficult to do.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 21/12/2025 20:08

Jesus. You are severely unresponding to this.

You have a baby
He sounds like an opportunist and vagrant.

He would not cross.my threshold. Ever.

"Hi SarahJane,

Dh and I spoke about this. We love having you here but we arent comfortable with you inviting any guests over. That extends to visitors in the day as well as any overnight guests. We'd love you to stay but if thats something that important to you we are happy to be flexible on contract while you find somewhere else"

PlumpHobbit · 21/12/2025 20:01

Absolutely do not allow him over/to stay

It is your house and he sounds like a CF who once hes in will be very hard to remove

The home is also your baby's, who you need to safeguard.

silverwrath · 21/12/2025 19:34

Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 02:25

I agree. We feel abit protective over her as she is so young. Her family asked her to leave and find her own way - so she’s doing just that. But we are concerned about what this relationship is.

I agree with you all. We will also limit the days he can come over - and I’ll tell OH that we need to put a stop to it. When we first saw him we thought he was homeless - it was very strange.

'We will also limit the days he can come over'

Nope. If it were me he wouldn't get back in the house. Period.

You've already taken in one stray. Which is more than generous of you. If she's not happy she's free to leave.

Think of yourselves and more importantly, your baby.

Duchess379 · 21/12/2025 19:18

Oh no. Baby & you take precedence. You have no idea who he is. She wants to be with him, she can stay at his.
A very firm no from me

Blablibladirladada · 21/12/2025 19:02

Your not her…

Blablibladirladada · 21/12/2025 19:01

Smell of alcohol? A stranger…and a Baby at home?

no!!!! Please do let her lodger know that he can’t come anymore due to smelling alcohol and that she is free to go…which will be the best honestly as she might be trouble if she ever thought she could bring her 40years old boyfriend done at yours!

swingingbytheseat · 21/12/2025 18:43

No he can’t stay over and I’d get rid of the lodger too or substitute for an older person, 28 yo at least

Wrenjay · 21/12/2025 18:36

NO is a complete sentence.

suburberphobe · 21/12/2025 18:33

we will take it a day at a time.

Really?!

With a baby you are looking at the next 20 - 30 years.

Your baby is a lot more important than needing to accomodate some randoms.

Wooky073 · 21/12/2025 18:22

Not to be alarmist but in the city i live a good few years ago a male lodger murdered the families young children. Just dont. Say NO. She can go out to see her boyfriend or she can find somewhere else to live. Nothing is worth the risks of having an known man in your house.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 18:19

Hard no OP. This is your home and she’s renting a room for herself, not a plus one. You have a baby in the house - even if you didn’t it’s a risk. Tell her now so there’s no misunderstanding. He doesn’t come into the house under any circumstances. She’s not your responsibility or your priority - the safety of yourself and your family are.

Surgz · 21/12/2025 18:18

No.. been there! My rule was if partner stays over 1 night , they stay at partners 1 night or quite simply no overnight stays at all. Honestly the alternative is you have a non paying additional lodger who stays in bed while they go out to work!!

shuggles · 21/12/2025 18:14

@Breadandsticks Is she aware that there are men who aren't alcoholics?

YowieeF · 21/12/2025 18:03

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 02:13

the plan will be for him to move by stealth…..
an absolute no!

100% this!

August1980 · 21/12/2025 17:58

He can’t stay over. You have a young child of your own to look after. So it’s a plain no.
what happened with the young girls family?

perhaps they turfed her out because she does silly things like this….

Festivespirit85 · 21/12/2025 17:57

Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 02:25

I agree. We feel abit protective over her as she is so young. Her family asked her to leave and find her own way - so she’s doing just that. But we are concerned about what this relationship is.

I agree with you all. We will also limit the days he can come over - and I’ll tell OH that we need to put a stop to it. When we first saw him we thought he was homeless - it was very strange.

She sounds a vulnerable young woman who is being taken advantage of by this older, homeless, alcoholic bum.Tell her no, and perhaps help her get some self-esteem so that she doesn't attract those types in the future.

Moii · 21/12/2025 17:56

I take in a lodger, I say from the outset to stop overs.