Page 3 | Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

Breadandsticks · 2025-12-20T02:11:09+00:00

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves. She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too. AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

Closesesame · 30/12/2025 00:19

Nah get her out asap. She doesn’t respect your rules and boundaries. Imagine if he’d stolen something valuable or broke something in his drunken stupor ?

And I’m saying that based on the fact he’s going drunk into other people’s home, middle aged dating a vulnerable 19 year old and probably has an unstable work history. The latter doesn’t mean someone is a bad person, and I’ve been fired before too,but when you put it altogether it paints a picture of someone who might be a bit sketchy.

Honestly I’m careful with all strangers in my house as when I was younger my mum was so careless and we had tradesmen (who obviously earned decent money)nick things.

Cardinalita90 · 30/12/2025 00:00

Absolutely not! You were clear about your boundary and she disrespected that. The trust is gone. If you don't follow through, you'll have no end of trouble. Kick them out tomorrow (or whatever is reasonable) and change the locks immediately.

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 23:59

Breadandsticks · 29/12/2025 23:56

Update.

We’ve just come home after spending Christmas away with family. The door is locked. So we message the lodger to open it.

Her boyfriend has been staying over! She didn’t expect us back. Admits he has been there for 2 days and has begged us to let him stay because he doesn’t have a job. She said that they want to live together and has asked us to consider him sharing her room. I can’t believe this.

I’ve said no to OH, he says he can stay the night. We are arguing over this now. We won’t be spending new years at home either and lodger is travelling for the first half of January so he wants to wait it out and make a decision for when she is back.

OH is being nice for whatever reason, but this man has made both me and OH feel uncomfortable. She has forwarded us his passport - I don’t know what we are meant to do with that.

Very annoyed.

Well of course your OH is being nice - he doesn't want to lose the extra income does he?

Original poster

Breadandsticks · 29/12/2025 23:56

Update.

We’ve just come home after spending Christmas away with family. The door is locked. So we message the lodger to open it.

Her boyfriend has been staying over! She didn’t expect us back. Admits he has been there for 2 days and has begged us to let him stay because he doesn’t have a job. She said that they want to live together and has asked us to consider him sharing her room. I can’t believe this.

I’ve said no to OH, he says he can stay the night. We are arguing over this now. We won’t be spending new years at home either and lodger is travelling for the first half of January so he wants to wait it out and make a decision for when she is back.

OH is being nice for whatever reason, but this man has made both me and OH feel uncomfortable. She has forwarded us his passport - I don’t know what we are meant to do with that.

Very annoyed.

OP posts:

Roobarbtwo · 24/12/2025 14:46

Breadandsticks · 24/12/2025 14:06

I did t she say was a bad person. But all you can do in life when it comes to your family and home, is act on evidence and instinct.

She has another job lined up - she’s told us this. But obviously if she stops paying rent, then we cannot let her stay in our house for free.

However, she is young and clearly has a lot to learn about relationships and people, but letting a man into our home who comes in smelling of alcohol and can barely string a sentence together, isn’t great. She is in our family home as a lodger. This is not a shared house situation whereby you have that touch bit more freedom.

We actually told her that if she wants to continue seeing this guy, then it might make sense for her to find a houseshare. But we have to keep our family safe. We also asked her if he has a home and told her our concerns, she said he does. She always ushers him hurriedly into her room when he used to come over, as if she is hiding him or something. So even that behaviour from her is strange.

Sadly, in this situation we have to put our family first. As would anyone else.

And the homeless crisis is horrific in the coty where we are. I’ve even bought it up with our Mayor on a few occasions - but let’s face it, until the cost of rent goes down, we will continue to see working people suffering and becoming unnecessarily homeless.

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You've got the right to keep your family safe - of course you do. But she's not done anything to make you feel unsafe has she? He's the issue - if you evict her - which you have the right to do - I hope you try and sign post her to somewhere she might get help. Because no one wants to be homeless particularly at this time of year.

I spoke about it on another thread so I don't mind saying it here. I was arrested and charged a few years ago - for something I didn't do. It almost completely ruined my entire life

If someone was to look at me, no one would be able to tell that that happened to me. I don't have a criminal record - it went nowhere.

There are plenty of people with alcohol issues including homeless people - who don't have criminal records or aren't a danger to anyone.

You absolutely have the right not to have him in your home - but in your first post you said he was obviously struggling - that doesn't mean he's a criminal or is a danger to your family. You can also insist that he doesn't come into your home - but if she's seeing him elsewhere really that's her issue

I worked with young people and addicts for a long time - some of them had criminal records - but not all.

As someone said earlier in the thread - you have the right to do Clares law but that's probably about it
Of course you have to do what you feel comfortable with - but I do hope if you ask her to move on - you give her a couple of weeks to find other accommodation

Original poster

Breadandsticks · 24/12/2025 14:06

Roobarbtwo · 23/12/2025 11:10

I'm going to say this quite plainly and I am saying this as someone who worked with homeless people for a long time. There are many people who are homeless who struggle with addiction as I'm sure you know. Homeless people aren't automatically dangers - addicts or not.

You wanted a background check - your default position was that he had to have a criminal record? Wow.

There are plenty of people who aren't homeless who have criminal records - would you have suggested this if he didn't look scruffy and didn't drink?

Now you are commenting that she's unstable - you didn't say that in previous posts - you said you were concerned about her

You have the right to have whoever you want or not in your own home - I hope if you are going to ask her to leave - that she's not made homeless by your actions. You've been happy enough to take rent from her to help your own financial situation out

BTW. I have been sacked from a job - it didn't make me unstable. My employer was dreadful. People get sacked daily - doesn't always make them bad people

I did t she say was a bad person. But all you can do in life when it comes to your family and home, is act on evidence and instinct.

She has another job lined up - she’s told us this. But obviously if she stops paying rent, then we cannot let her stay in our house for free.

However, she is young and clearly has a lot to learn about relationships and people, but letting a man into our home who comes in smelling of alcohol and can barely string a sentence together, isn’t great. She is in our family home as a lodger. This is not a shared house situation whereby you have that touch bit more freedom.

We actually told her that if she wants to continue seeing this guy, then it might make sense for her to find a houseshare. But we have to keep our family safe. We also asked her if he has a home and told her our concerns, she said he does. She always ushers him hurriedly into her room when he used to come over, as if she is hiding him or something. So even that behaviour from her is strange.

Sadly, in this situation we have to put our family first. As would anyone else.

And the homeless crisis is horrific in the coty where we are. I’ve even bought it up with our Mayor on a few occasions - but let’s face it, until the cost of rent goes down, we will continue to see working people suffering and becoming unnecessarily homeless.

OP posts:

Roobarbtwo · 23/12/2025 11:10

I'm going to say this quite plainly and I am saying this as someone who worked with homeless people for a long time. There are many people who are homeless who struggle with addiction as I'm sure you know. Homeless people aren't automatically dangers - addicts or not.

You wanted a background check - your default position was that he had to have a criminal record? Wow.

There are plenty of people who aren't homeless who have criminal records - would you have suggested this if he didn't look scruffy and didn't drink?

Now you are commenting that she's unstable - you didn't say that in previous posts - you said you were concerned about her

You have the right to have whoever you want or not in your own home - I hope if you are going to ask her to leave - that she's not made homeless by your actions. You've been happy enough to take rent from her to help your own financial situation out

BTW. I have been sacked from a job - it didn't make me unstable. My employer was dreadful. People get sacked daily - doesn't always make them bad people

Roobarbtwo · 23/12/2025 11:00

Breadandsticks · 22/12/2025 00:48

Update - today is day 1 since the big talk. She came back without the boyfriend (she stayed overnight somewhere last night) . She went to her room. Then went out again.

Although she told us she also got fired and it’s a long story. But she has another job lined up (she mentioned she was job hunting last week and had an interview).

She gets the memo about the boyfriend. But she is giving me unstable - and we all consider ending her contract if we don’t feel safe.

Edited

Sorry what? He's unstable and now she's unstable? What are you basing this on?

Sartre · 22/12/2025 15:59

It may be different without your baby in the mix but their safety must come first. It’s noble to feel protective of this woman but she is ultimately a stranger who sounds quite unstable right now. This man shouldn’t be in your home and she is increasingly sounding like an unsuitable lodger.

Goldongold · 22/12/2025 15:53

PigeonsandSquirrels · 22/12/2025 14:21

Because the lodger could bring strange alcoholic men into the home who then do nefarious thing to/around the baby or who take or harm or tell people about the baby. Addicts will do all kinds of things to feed a habit.

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Obviously you need to be very fussy when considering sharing your home!

If it was to go wrong a lodger does not have any legal rights to stay so you can essentially lock them out but that’s very extreme. When I rented my room I had 200 enquiries within 48 hours of advertising (london madness). Picked my favourites and interviewed them

PigeonsandSquirrels · 22/12/2025 14:21

Goldongold · 20/12/2025 09:05

Crazy? It’s a 7.5k tax free decent income for a young family and I don’t know why more people don’t consider it

Because the lodger could bring strange alcoholic men into the home who then do nefarious thing to/around the baby or who take or harm or tell people about the baby. Addicts will do all kinds of things to feed a habit.

MrsNai · 22/12/2025 12:42

Firstly, it does sound as if she is attempting to move him by stealth and as a landlord you have every right to say that he is not welcome to stay unless adding to the rental agreement (and therefore subject to background checks).

Secondly, you mention concerns as regards his background. Please do consider making a Clare's Law application to your local police- Request information under Clare's Law: Make a Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS) application | Police.uk this can help your lodger find out more about someone who you are concerned may be taking advantage of her.

Finally, you mention that the lodger stumbled over a pram. If there are children in your home and you do not feel a complete stranger stumbling about the house is safe for adults then consider your child(ren)'s safety and remember that is she has asked then you can answer no.

For context, years ago my SIL was renting a room and actively encouraged my B to stay over because the landlady didn't state 'No', but tried to do a qualified (only 1 night, not in communal areas, etc) refusal. He stayed over several nights in a row and ultimately as his sister when I was made aware of this I told him to stop being a disrespectful dick (appreciate that landlords can't say this so a firm no is good).

50lbstolose · 22/12/2025 10:58

while I hope it works out for her, she is not your responsibility and you have to do what is best for your family

godmum56 · 22/12/2025 09:41

I'd be saying no to visits too. I am sorry but your home and safety come first. She is not your responsibility.

GAJLY · 22/12/2025 07:53

So they both got fired?! That's a bit strange isn't it? How is she going to pay the rent if she doesn't get another job? I can see this going wrong and you'll end up serving her notice.

Blizzardofleaves · 22/12/2025 07:21

Breadandsticks · 22/12/2025 00:48

Update - today is day 1 since the big talk. She came back without the boyfriend (she stayed overnight somewhere last night) . She went to her room. Then went out again.

Although she told us she also got fired and it’s a long story. But she has another job lined up (she mentioned she was job hunting last week and had an interview).

She gets the memo about the boyfriend. But she is giving me unstable - and we all consider ending her contract if we don’t feel safe.

Edited

I think it’s time to say you don’t feel the arrangement is working out, unless she approaches you to talk through the issues constructively.
If your instincts are saying she unstable, then she needs to leave. The safe guarding of your baby is more important than her feelings or situation.

Original poster

Breadandsticks · 22/12/2025 00:48

Update - today is day 1 since the big talk. She came back without the boyfriend (she stayed overnight somewhere last night) . She went to her room. Then went out again.

Although she told us she also got fired and it’s a long story. But she has another job lined up (she mentioned she was job hunting last week and had an interview).

She gets the memo about the boyfriend. But she is giving me unstable - and we all consider ending her contract if we don’t feel safe.

OP posts:

Original poster

Breadandsticks · 22/12/2025 00:46

ShawnaMacallister · 21/12/2025 20:26

Keeping a roof over your head is pretty bloody important. I've had a lot of lodgers and none of them have ever had the opportunity to get anywhere near my child without me there, it's not that difficult to do.

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Thanks for this. The house is big enough for us not to notice the lodger and me or DH are always with the baby.

We are hoping this is a short fix whilst we bring our income back up as the ideal is to have a 2 bed for when baby grows up - I do have friends that have had lodgers whilst raising kids and it’s worked out. We don’t want this to be a long term thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Breadandsticks · 22/12/2025 00:43

shuggles · 21/12/2025 18:14

@Breadandsticks Is she aware that there are men who aren't alcoholics?

I hope so.

It’s such a shame - she really could do better. Or just focus on herself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Breadandsticks · 22/12/2025 00:42

berlinbaby2025 · 21/12/2025 20:59

Like I said the other day, OP and her partner could just get rid of the lodger and move into a one bedroom flat - cheaper rent and no safeguarding issues.

@berlinbaby2025 a 1 bed is actually more expensive than the 2 bed we have now. We have a 2 bed because we got a good deal from a family friend that became a landlord.

Although I’m job hunting at the moment to increase our joint income - so wish me luck - then we won’t need a lodger. (I do work but had my hours sliced).

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/12/2025 00:35

OkWinifred · 21/12/2025 23:16

I wouldn’t let my own DD bring someone like that into the house, let alone a lodger.

Perhaps you are beginning to see why her parents asked her to leave, if she was carrying on like this in their home.

Or perhaps she is "carrying on" like this because her own family have abandoned her and this guy showed her some attention and affection (or at least she sees it as affection).

Troubling behaviour in young people is rarely the cause of family issues, its more usually a consequence of neglectful and/or abusive parenting.

PlumpHobbit · 22/12/2025 00:09

I also wouldn't want drunk people in my house

No is a complete sentence. Tell her no, he is not allowed in the house, if she wants to meet him, she can go out to do so. If she has a problem with it, she can move out

Definitely as other people have said makes you wonder if hes the reason her parents have kicked her out, he sounds awful

If he was sober and respectful, I could understand MAYBE allowing him for the odd NON OVERNIGHT visit, but he isnt.

You also have a young baby and if he causes damage e.g. by falling over into something, the cost will probably end up being yours to cover

I wouldn't feel safe in my own home with him there, you then have your baby's safety to consider

BAN HIM.

OkWinifred · 21/12/2025 23:16

I wouldn’t let my own DD bring someone like that into the house, let alone a lodger.

Perhaps you are beginning to see why her parents asked her to leave, if she was carrying on like this in their home.

MangerThings · 21/12/2025 23:13

I am very tired and not up for reading the whole thread (although have read all the OP’s posts).

How sure are you that she is not a sex worker?

Theslummymummy · 21/12/2025 23:09

What background check?