Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

Exactly! I don’t have any sympathy or protective nonsense for young women just because they are women. A lot of young people are incredibly manipulative. She told you what you wanted to hear and fooled you. Kick them both out. You can’t have them around your baby.

Honestly from your very first post I wanted to say tell her to go and give her notice. Not because she brought this loser home, but because she made such a bad judgment in doing so. But off course posters would have flamed me for being so heartless to this ‘poor little vulnerable girl’.
I just knew that wasn’t the end of it.
why is your OH allowing this? He has a baby in the house. I would have been furious and kicked them both out. You even said she is giving you unstable vibes before you went away- always trust your gut!
they could have also let who knows what types in your home over the 2 days! She isn’t your problem. You should get them out asap

For goodness sake - it’s not nonsense to have protective instinct for your family or anyone really.

As I said I ( a woman) would have protective instinct for a child in that situation, as an aunty/ sister/ family friend etc, so it’s not necessarily gender specific. If my brother was putting my niece and SIL as well as himself in that situation I’d be alarmed for sure.

Who said she needs her husband to sort it all out? Obviously the reason I called out her husband is because he’s the one who is enthusiastic about the idea of them staying and unlike Op isn’t exhibiting much of a protective instinct for his family. He needs to get on board with the idea of them leaving or at least pipe down.

Edited.

I would be seriously pissed off with OH. While he’s entitled to have separate views on this to you, it’s absolutely stupid behaviour to consider letting this man stay when you both made it clear to the lodger he was NOT allowed to sleep over. She’s broken the house rules and therefore cannot be trusted. Anything less than ‘here’s your notice’ makes it clear she (and he by extension) can walk all over you. Very dodgy ground. I think you need a serious talk with your husband.

I’d serve her notice now and tell him to leave today. She is untrustworthy. I’d stay NYE and change the locks the day she leaves.

Oh no, you gave her the benefit of the doubt and trusted her to stay in your home with clear boundaries, but she did not stick to them at all. She’s broken her word and will not hestitate to do it again. I would ask her to leave before you go away, or cancel your plans. What a nightmare, just tell her you’re very sorry but it’s very important to you who is coming into your home, and you can see she doesn’t understand that, even when you’ve been really clear. This is not the right situation for her, she needs a more flexible lodging, whatever that is, and you need a single lodger who sticks to the very basic rules.
It doesn’t really matter what his problems are, he’s a grown up (unlike the baby) and can sort himself out.

Tbh I would just serve notice. Anyone with that judgement cannot be trusted surely. You will go on holiday or weekend away and come back to your house emptied by crackheads.

This was from a post on page 1 of the thread. And whilst your house hasn't been emptied by crackheads, you can absolutely be sure things will get worse until she leaves. No massive explanation beyond "We can't trust you in our home". Your baby is your primary responsibility. I expect you are feeling very alone given what a massive wet lettuce your DH is being about this situation. You'll have to get another lodger for sure, but not this one.

You think she is young and vulnerable, but more likely she is young and manipulative. If you think she is vulnerable, you will give her more leeway regarding her behaviour. She admits he has been staying there for two days, but more likely he has been there the whole time you were away.

She deliberately deceived you, had him to stay thinking you would never know. You can't trust her. Why would you allow her to stay for another month? So you can feel on edge in your own home? So your child might be put in harm's way? Get rid now.

I can’t believe this is going on and, worse, your idiot partner is thinking of letting him stay permanently…just for extra money?

I get the feeling you’re surprised he started over when you were away over Christmas?!

I would have kicked her out ages ago and if it means using an overdraft or credit card to get by until the new lodger arrives then so be it.

You’re not the most important person here, and neither is your partner.

I would definitely cancel the New Year plans. I wouldn't enjoy being away under these circumstances.

I think you'd be out of your minds to head away again for a few days around NYE, and am stunned you left for Christmas, leaving the house in the charge of an easily led teenager you do not trust one bit!
You said from the beginning that you'd be guided by your instincts, yet you felt things were very off indeed a good bit before Christmas, and she still hasn’t been heaved out even after breaking a solemn promise about serious transgression.

I think that unless you both find your anger, as they say these days, you’ll be condemning yourselves to gawd knows what problems she’ll import in coming months.
I know I couldn’t tolerate such an uncertain, unpredictable vibe in my house.

Your DH is really not helping here. Tell him how it's going to be and get them both out before it gets worse.

It's safety. Drunk dude likely won't listen to her when she tells him to leave and might get physical when he's told to do something he doesn't want to do, like leave the home he's hoping to stay in. This laid back husband with zero sense needs to be handling that, not OP.

Husband really seems to lack the instinct to protect his wife and baby from the danger a drunk stranger in their space can be. That is really odd and off. Even my dog got super protective when I was pregnant and when my baby was little.

I’ve had several lodgers in the past and still have one currently. She is taking the piss. You made your wishes clear and she’s deliberately gone against them behind your back. This would be a dealbreaker for me, the trust would be gone.

They need to leave but what on earth is the 'protective instinct' nonsense why is the op being an adult needing a man to sort this, they have a voice they can use it!

Does your DH not have a shred of protective instinct in him as a father and husband? Is he usually like this?!
I’m not even a parent but I instinctively want to protect a baby from sharing a living space from that kind of man.

You would think he would be worried about the safety of all you. It seems he’s just thinking about the “easy money” but it won’t be easy in the long term. It’s not as if she’s the only potential lodger in the world.

OP she probably wants to move him in because she’s young and smitten. I had mates who did stuff like that at her age and he’s probably love bombing her as an older man with way more experience trying to weasel himself into her room and eventualy lock her down with a baby unfortunately . So it’s not “weird” as such, although it’s definitely unwise and massively inconsiderate and disrespectful .

I agree you should ask why she doesn’t move in with him, considering she’s claiming he has his own place. I suspect she can’t keep up with her/their own lies and will get herself into a muddle trying to explain.

I was a lodger with a married couple who had a toddler, for a few months but I was close friends with the woman before hand and had spent long weekends there before so they knew how i was like. I don’t drink/smoke and I didn’t bring over any guests let alone men. They barely knew I was there due to working hours, we got along grand.

Maybe look within your social circle and see if anyone needs a room so it’s not a complete stranger. Either way next time do make sure you lay clear ground rules about visitors and other expectations.

Tell her absolutely not and your uncomfortable with him visiting again as he’s always drunk it’s not behaviour you want your baby around.
He could be anyone I could never sleep with a stranger in my home with my baby there. Have you done a background check on him he could be a pedofile she’s very young herself It’s absolutely unreasonable of her to bring a drunk strange man into your family home. Give her notice and get a decent lodger.

adding

she has told you he has a home
so she can go and live there with him !

No no no

She was told not to let him stay over
the minute you go away he stayed over
he is out now tonight
and she gets a weeks notice !

she broke the rules/agreement

and your dh does not want a strange older man staying in his home ! no matter what he currently says/thinks

soon your home will be overrun with lodgers !
as she could get pregnant any minute

Your landlord / friend may allow you one lodger but does that include more than one lodger, unemployed ones at that !

Your landlord would be within their rights to wonder just who is sleeping in their house...

I think you have to give her notice. This is not a stable/ safe living position. When she goes, change the locks.

OH is being nice for whatever reason

Either he wants to keep the income or he is suffering from white knight syndrome and thinks he can save her from herself (and men like the bf) or he has a bit of a thing for her.

As she has badly broken your trust there is absolutely no reason why she should stay. You're going to be away at New Year, BF isn't travelling until January. Guess where he'll be spending NYE.

I would be raging. They both need to go. First thing in the morning if not tonight. And the locks need to be changed once you get them out Immediately and definitely before you go away for New Year. Your OH is not thinking properly.

She needs to go.

She moved the guy in when you were away against your explicit conversation and is trying to get you to let him stay.

No fucking way. Pack those bags and out with them.

Your husband is being foolish. You've got someone trying to move their much older BF who's got an alcohol and who knows what other substance abuse issue in.

You do not want people with alcohol issues in your home around your baby. And these people aren't even relatives. They're strangers who think they can flout your rules in your home.