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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH’s friend asked him for money

86 replies

Ruggyleaf · 19/12/2025 23:58

Help me settle a debate here…

DH has a friend from uni who never made it out in the real world. He’s not THAT close to DH but they keep in touch because they have fun ‘guy’ conversations online. Anyway. Long story short, this friend lost his job recently and asked DH for £30. He said he’ll pay him back 22nd of the month (think he has some temporary job now). My DH didn’t question this at all and sent the money straight away. He told me about this when he came back from work and I was annoyed because:

  • He didn’t ask why he needed the money
  • Dh’s money is my money. We should discuss such situations before actioning. I am on mat leave atm and every penny counts. I can do A LOT with £30 rn.
DH thinks it’s not a big amount if he doesn’t pay him back and he feels sorry for him for losing his job but this guy has a drinking history etc so I would have at least questioned why he needed the money!! Plus he is not a close friend!!

I also find it so bizarre to ask for £30. Who doesn’t have £30 in their bank account?? THOUGHTS!? AIBU for giving DH a hard time about it or not? 😂

bet another £30 he won’t pay him back 😜

OP posts:
SeriaMau · 20/12/2025 05:07

Christmas time. A friend. £30…

BrokenWingsCantFly · 20/12/2025 04:49

Do you ask your DH every time you want to spend £30?

I assume his wages is covering this. If it was a greater amount I would understand. And definitely think you should warn against this not becoming a repeated payment. But as a 1 off, it's his call how he spends part of his wage. You may not feel this friendship is validated, but your DH obviously feels this friend means something to him. Not every friendship presents itself in the same way

Planesmistakenforstars · 20/12/2025 04:39

Lots of people don't have £30 in their bank account. The fact you think they do suggests it's an amount he can afford to lend, or afford to lose. If I was in that position I would lend the money to a friend. If he doesn't pay it back, lesson learned. You also seem quite determined that you can guage the level, value and closeness of your husband's friendship, and not him.

LittleCarrot12 · 20/12/2025 04:34

If you are surprised someone wouldn’t have £30 you are very lucky. It’s not the end of the world but I’d make clear to set boundaries as I doubt it will be a one off

Justchilling07 · 20/12/2025 04:05

Op, you sound quite controlling, it’s an old friend of your DH, it’s £30!
You think he should have consulted you first, get a grip!

Topseyt123 · 20/12/2025 03:53

Plenty of people don't have £30 in their bank account. It says a lot about how out of touch you are if you think that everyone does!

Your DH mentioned this to you. After the event I suppose, but he did. I get why you are uncomfortable I suppose, but I think just saying that it mustn't become a regular thing would have sufficed here.

Tourmalines · 20/12/2025 03:34

First of all, a lot of people don’t have £30 in their account . Secondly your husband told you so you know about it . A one off is the only time to lend and no more . If a woman was to share this story and her husband was questioning her you can bet 99% of the replies on here would say he’s controlling .

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 20/12/2025 02:44

WelshRabBite · 20/12/2025 01:08

The OP clearly says “every penny counts” at the moment, so it sounds like this £30 could, for example, dictate what does/doesn’t get put in the shopping trolley this week.

OP, I would ensure this only affects your DH as much as possible, so for example, if you need nappies but now can’t afford your H’s Christmas beer, he goes without. If he also needs to walk to work this week instead of filling up (part of) the car with petrol, so be it.

Obviously if you get the money paid you can buy the beer/petrol/whatever.

If things are that tight, make sure it’s not you/the baby that suffers if possible.

If things are this tight, the OP wouldn't be asking if there are really people who don't have £30 in their bank account, surely?

DeathStare · 20/12/2025 02:42

If a friend needed to borrow £30 from me as a one-off and I had it to lend them, I'd lend it. And I wouldn't ask them questions about why. If a partner tried to stop me doing that I'd consider them very controlling and I'd be seriously thinking about my relationship.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 20/12/2025 02:42

As a one off is it really a big deal?

If £30 is a lot to you then it is odd you are asking if some people really don't have that ( no they don't)

It's reasonable for you to tell DH it needs to be a one off

MermaidMummy06 · 20/12/2025 02:35

I understand OP's position, though. We're not grasping for money, but have a tight budget to afford everything we need & still have savings. I was getting annoyed at DH for stopping to buy treats every Sunday on the way to visiting his DF. Not cheap ones, either. Reason I was peeved was I was forgoing treats, activities and anything non essential for myself to meet our budget & he was splurging that money on someone else. His DF doesn't need the treats, or money. We found a compromise but DH still slips occasionally so I let it go.

As a one off, I'd let it go, but be wary because requests for money are never just once. His friend will be back for more, sooner or later.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/12/2025 02:00

If you can do a lot with £30 and every penny counts at the moment then you either don't have a spare £30 in which case you dont have £30 just sitting in yout bank or you are being over dramatic about lending him £30. Do you only have family money or do you have separate personal fun money.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 20/12/2025 01:35

You definitely made sure that you portrayed this friend as a certain type of character, he may well be a drunk drop out, or a genuine desperate friend.
I wouldn't have a lot of money either but I feel desperately sorry for people who have very little this time of year.
Hopefully the friend returns it promptly or your husband will never hear the end of it from you.

Franpie · 20/12/2025 01:29

If a friend needed £30 I would give it to them no questions asked and wouldn’t consider it a loan.

And I would no more ask my DH about it than I would asking him if I could get my nails done.

IAmKerplunk · 20/12/2025 01:29

FrodoBiggins · 20/12/2025 01:12

Find it a bit odd that you are shocked he needs £30 (suggesting you think everyone should have a reasonable cushion in savings) but also you personally see £30 as a large amount you can't afford to be without for a week and should be consulted over.

Very good point

Nowimfeelinghurt · 20/12/2025 01:25

It must be seriously terrifying to have no money in the bank at all. I’m know I’m fortunate to think that and I do appreciate it.

Vaxtable · 20/12/2025 01:16

Lots of people don’t have £30 in their bank account

FrodoBiggins · 20/12/2025 01:12

Find it a bit odd that you are shocked he needs £30 (suggesting you think everyone should have a reasonable cushion in savings) but also you personally see £30 as a large amount you can't afford to be without for a week and should be consulted over.

WelshRabBite · 20/12/2025 01:08

The OP clearly says “every penny counts” at the moment, so it sounds like this £30 could, for example, dictate what does/doesn’t get put in the shopping trolley this week.

OP, I would ensure this only affects your DH as much as possible, so for example, if you need nappies but now can’t afford your H’s Christmas beer, he goes without. If he also needs to walk to work this week instead of filling up (part of) the car with petrol, so be it.

Obviously if you get the money paid you can buy the beer/petrol/whatever.

If things are that tight, make sure it’s not you/the baby that suffers if possible.

NewCushions · 20/12/2025 00:52

YaBU for not understanding how people.can havr no money.

I can understand not wanting to loan money to random bloke. But you clearly dont actually see £30 as that mich so, as a once off, you are being ridiculous to have an issue with your dh loaning that amount to an old friend.

IAmKerplunk · 20/12/2025 00:52

Maybe your dh should have run it by you first but surely you aren’t so tone deaf as to understand that many people don’t have £30 in their bank? If you can’t afford it that’s an issue. If he doesn’t repay it that’s also an issue.
You say you can do a lot with £30 - is there a reason you haven’t?

Sometimessmiling · 20/12/2025 00:52

sundaysurfing · 20/12/2025 00:17

I think, if your DH wants to help his friend and lend or even give his friend £30, that’s up to him. If it was £300, it would be understandable that you would want to be consulted, if you can’t afford it.
if one of your friends needed help and came to you, I’m sure you’d want to help them and lend them £30 without having to ask your DH permission. If you posted that on here, I’m sure many posters would say you were being controlled by him.
I wouldn’t mention it again and would considerate it a charity donation. For grown man to ask another man for 30 quid, times must be hard for him. Maybe he needs some compassion, maybe he needed some coke, but you’ll never know.

Your so right and helping someone is something to be proud of.

Pollqueen · 20/12/2025 00:49

It's £30 and your DH's friend so not your business and YABU and extremely privileged to say who doesn't have £30 in their bank account

Cardinalita90 · 20/12/2025 00:46

I think you're coming across as quite controlling that you expect him to consult you over £30. Your comment about who doesn't have that in their account suggests you don't think it's that much anyway.

Just let this go as an isolated occurrence.

JDM625 · 20/12/2025 00:45

Given the info you have, I'd think that my DH knows this man more than I do and I'd trust my DH's judgement and he gave £30 on good faith. Clearly- you don't trust your DH, there is history or things have maybe been difficult since having a baby?

NO- I wouldn't expect DH to discuss a £30 loan with me beforehand. If this became a habit then yes.