Page 2 | Arranged for a nanny to help me with bedtime today and she just didn't turn up!

Nightnanny0019 · 2025-12-19T20:54:48+00:00

I'm absolutely frazzled. Toddler and a baby, both going through sleep regressions. The toddler is suspected SEN. For a week none of us have been getting much sleep. I'm a single parent and this past week I've been needing to stay with the toddler while getting her ready for bed. This has taken anywhere from 2hours to 5.5hours and lots crying and distress. I found a nanny is a local FB group I'm in. She checked out. Experienced, DBS, qualifications etc. We exchanged numerous messages over the course of the last 24hrs. She even messaged to confirm that I'd see her at 6pm tonight. 6pm came and she didn't. I messaged at 6.15 checking if she was lost but no answer. 6.35 I messaged again asking if she eas coming and again no answer. Then 6.45 I asked her not to come if she wasn't able to get here before 7, only because it would may disrupt my toddler so close to the time I was trying to get into her cot. I've still not heard from her. She has my address. Knows I live alone with 2 young kids. Should I be worried or am I too frazzled to be thinking straight?

mondaytosunday · 20/12/2025 16:22

I do not recommend co sleeping! Have none of you read ‘I can’t get my child to sleep in their own beds’ threads?? And is the OP expected to go to sleep the same time as her toddler?
I became a widow when my kids were 4 and 6, and my DH was away 120 nights a year before then so well used to putting two kids to bed.
OP I’m not sure it’s a good idea for the first time you use someone new is to have them cope with a fraught night time routine. This person is obviously unreliable and I wouldn’t give them a second thought other than to complain to them how unprofessional they were.
Is there such a thing as a sleep coach?

Plantpot75 · 20/12/2025 16:16

columnatedruinsdomino · 19/12/2025 21:19

I agree. Dp was on permanent night shift so me and 3 dds all slept in the same bed, baby in a Moses basket. We all went to bed at the same time. I cba to fight bedtimes alone.

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Another agree for co-sleeping. Lone parent to a child with additional needs and the only way either of us got any sleep.

IdaGlossop · 20/12/2025 16:12

Nightnanny0019 · 20/12/2025 15:42

I've just received a message from her partner to say she was hospitalised with appendicitis yesterday!

Poor woman. At least you don't have to feel despondent about human nature. I hope you find a nanny soon.

Original poster

Nightnanny0019 · 20/12/2025 15:42

I've just received a message from her partner to say she was hospitalised with appendicitis yesterday!

OP posts:

Skybluepinky · 20/12/2025 14:04

Go through an agency rather than FB that way you know the person you are employing as you have to set her up as an employee it’s not like having a babysitter.

SandyY2K · 20/12/2025 13:26

Florencesndzebedee · 20/12/2025 00:52

A nanny of Facebook? Really?

My thoughts exactly.

jeaux90 · 20/12/2025 12:45

Hey OP, so sorry it’s tough. Lone parent here too, have been for 15 years.
My SEN DD16 was a tough one. I had to stop her naps earlier than usual because of sleep issues. I did co-sleep a lot until she was 4 but it’s not a panacea. I found she responded well to me talking in a low voice (like telling a story without a book) we had a projector too which she found relaxing. I spent many hours outside in soul destroying playgrounds as she definitely responded well to fresh air (I took a flask of tea to make it less depressing 🤣)

Honestly it was the toughest time, I work full time and had to travel for work so also had a live in which was great but also is not a panacea as they just want you.

So sorry you were let down. I hope today is better. DD is now 16 and had hand crank her out of bed today at 12.30…she’s been sleeping really well since she was at primary so take heart it does get better!

Original poster

Nightnanny0019 · 20/12/2025 12:14

KingfisherBluey · 20/12/2025 11:52

It was a genuine question, not judgement. Sorry if you thought it was.

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No no I'm sorry. I'm frazzled I'm telling you. I know you meant well.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/12/2025 11:57

I’m in the south east and a maternity practitioner

but in fully booked

if you need someone to be up all night if your dc are settling /sleeping then you need a night nanny ideally

what area and I can recommend some agencies for you

looking £20/25ph roughly

they may not settle for a stranger but they can help support and advise you and easier having an extra pair of hands

i Will message you

KingfisherBluey · 20/12/2025 11:52

Nightnanny0019 · 20/12/2025 10:50

Bedtimes are not usually this chaotic. My daughter had been going down by 8pm and sleeping through the night until 8am since July. My son has gone through phases but he's only 10 months. I've been co sleeping with him more recently.

This only started last Friday. I suspect a combination of the 2 year regression and her molars coming through.

I'm not going to answer the question regarding their father, and invite more criticism and judgement from someone like you.

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It was a genuine question, not judgement. Sorry if you thought it was.

Original poster

Nightnanny0019 · 20/12/2025 11:23

Clairey1986 · 20/12/2025 09:32

I am so sorry OP. I don’t think you have any obligation to check on her - there are other people in her life for that.

Where are you? If anywhere near me in NE Scotland I’ll help you.

Please reach out to your friends and family - I’d not hesitate to help someone in your situation. I’d also try and speak to your GP ASAP and see if you can get melotonin or anything else to help with your toddler.

Can your normal nanny recommend anyone?

That's super kind. I'm in the South East unfortunately!

Regarding my routine.. nothing has changed. We tidy up together, dim the lights around 6.30/7pm to read/quiet play. Then I bath her, brush her teeth, in her sleep sack and in the cot. This has been working fine for months and she's been happy to go into the cot and sleeping through the night.

Over the past week she's refusing to get into the cot even for her daytime nap. She's holding her teeth, fingers in mouth a lot. And she's incredibly jealous of any affection I show to her brother. Because of her development delays, it's impossible to know how much she understands when I speak to her. The normal advice of saying no and being firm doesn't work with her. It's like she has no inhibitory control. I'm not talking tantrums here, but full on hysteria to the point of hyperventilation and vomited if left.

We've been screen free since July. She eats well. Lots of iron daily. Lots of protein, 5-10 portions of fruit and veg daily. No sugar. Drinks just water and milk.

Really hoping this is just a phase.

Thanks again for your responses. About to make my 2nd coffee. Will try and take them out after their naps.

OP posts:

ForLoveNotMoney · 20/12/2025 11:15

Solidarity OP. Sleep deprivation is literally the worst. I hope it eases for you very soon

Original poster

Nightnanny0019 · 20/12/2025 11:10

Eyeshadow · 19/12/2025 22:05

Please look up home start or bumble.

Sleep deprivation is awful!

Looking at homestart now. Thanks so much for the suggestion!

OP posts:

Makingpeace · 20/12/2025 10:53

ForLoveNotMoney · 19/12/2025 21:00

I’ll be shot saying this but co sleeping is your friend here. Saved me in the depths of what you are currently going though

Another that came to say the same.

@Nightnanny0019 can we help make suggestions or tweaks to your bedtime routine to make it go smoother for you?

Original poster

Nightnanny0019 · 20/12/2025 10:50

KingfisherBluey · 20/12/2025 10:31

What you are describing is not a nanny but a babysitter.

I also think it's very unrealistic to expect your children to settle with a stranger you bring into the house.

I think kindly, you would be wiser to spend your money on a parenting expert to counsel you on sleep so your children learn to sleep without all this stress on you.

The fact both your children can't or won't sleep may show that there is something not 'right' around bedtime and how you react to their behaviour.
This is not about blaming you because I know how hard this is from my own experience (and I know I did things wrongly.) But somehow your children need to settle and not behave as they are.

It sounds as if they are both competing for your attention and there's some sibling jealousy going on as well. I'm sure you have taken advice but maybe revisit that?

Do they have a set routine with bath, no screen time, story, milky drink, cuddle, lights off- and a reward for good behaviour?

Is their father involved at all considering one is only a baby?

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Bedtimes are not usually this chaotic. My daughter had been going down by 8pm and sleeping through the night until 8am since July. My son has gone through phases but he's only 10 months. I've been co sleeping with him more recently.

This only started last Friday. I suspect a combination of the 2 year regression and her molars coming through.

I'm not going to answer the question regarding their father, and invite more criticism and judgement from someone like you.

OP posts:

KingfisherBluey · 20/12/2025 10:31

Nightnanny0019 · 20/12/2025 10:03

Thanks for all your responses. It was such an awful night. My daughter usually sleeps through the night even if she fights sleep at bedtime. I just couldn't cope with them both. I ended up separating them.. ideally I'd cosleep with each separately which of course isn't an option! My son cried so much but I couldn't be with him for long periods because my daughter needed me too. I feel awful about this.

Can anyone advise the normal hourly rate for a nanny at such short notice? I'd prefer not hiring a student/teenager. My daughter's needs can be complex so someone a little more experienced is preferable.

Thanks again for your support.

What you are describing is not a nanny but a babysitter.

I also think it's very unrealistic to expect your children to settle with a stranger you bring into the house.

I think kindly, you would be wiser to spend your money on a parenting expert to counsel you on sleep so your children learn to sleep without all this stress on you.

The fact both your children can't or won't sleep may show that there is something not 'right' around bedtime and how you react to their behaviour.
This is not about blaming you because I know how hard this is from my own experience (and I know I did things wrongly.) But somehow your children need to settle and not behave as they are.

It sounds as if they are both competing for your attention and there's some sibling jealousy going on as well. I'm sure you have taken advice but maybe revisit that?

Do they have a set routine with bath, no screen time, story, milky drink, cuddle, lights off- and a reward for good behaviour?

Is their father involved at all considering one is only a baby?

Snailssitonwhales · 20/12/2025 10:06

I'm sure you have tried everything but just in case are there any songs or bed time stories that you could play that help them settle or at least keep them entertained for a bit so you can rest in between trying to get them to sleep? my little one's love the moshi bed time stories or 'baby mine' on repeat.

I know you'll feel rough today (and likely most days) but get them up and out of the house for fresh air, it'll help you all feel better.

I know you'll likely have checked out lots of sleep support but Just in case Lyndsey Hookway is great for evidence based advice around sleep, including around supporting SEN children.

There is also a great support group called 'beyond the sleep training project' which you can find on Facebook or Google, and they have a 'red flag' guide around sleep which could help you see if there is anything worth further investigation for your eldest one, such as low iron, which can have a big impact sleep.

Do you have any one who can pop over to watch them for a bit whilst you rest or to take even one of them out for a bit?

sending lots of love and hope you manage to rest at some point.

Original poster

Nightnanny0019 · 20/12/2025 10:03

Thanks for all your responses. It was such an awful night. My daughter usually sleeps through the night even if she fights sleep at bedtime. I just couldn't cope with them both. I ended up separating them.. ideally I'd cosleep with each separately which of course isn't an option! My son cried so much but I couldn't be with him for long periods because my daughter needed me too. I feel awful about this.

Can anyone advise the normal hourly rate for a nanny at such short notice? I'd prefer not hiring a student/teenager. My daughter's needs can be complex so someone a little more experienced is preferable.

Thanks again for your support.

OP posts:

gogomomo2 · 20/12/2025 09:38

If it’s a case of getting through this period when your regular nanny is away, I’d ask about locally to see if any college or university students currently on holidays are interested, either overnight or in the daytime to give your respite.

It does get easier with 2, neither of mine slept properly until older, I did co sleep for ease, and despite having a now exh , he was away a lot so I got an inkling of what you are describing (he went away to a work “conference” when dd2 was 7 days old and dd1 was just 2 for a week.

Clairey1986 · 20/12/2025 09:32

I am so sorry OP. I don’t think you have any obligation to check on her - there are other people in her life for that.

Where are you? If anywhere near me in NE Scotland I’ll help you.

Please reach out to your friends and family - I’d not hesitate to help someone in your situation. I’d also try and speak to your GP ASAP and see if you can get melotonin or anything else to help with your toddler.

Can your normal nanny recommend anyone?

KingfisherBluey · 20/12/2025 09:11

MelaniesLaugh · 20/12/2025 06:10

Did she ever get in touch?

Ever? It only happened last night!

KingfisherBluey · 20/12/2025 09:11

I don't see anything wrong in getting a recommendation online because presumably you knew the posters suggesting her? There is the risk she got her friends to advertise her though and not former clients.

I can't though imagine employing a nanny (not a childminder/babysitter?) without interviewing her at my home first.

She ought to have contacted you. That's all there is to it.

MelaniesLaugh · 20/12/2025 06:10

Did she ever get in touch?

Herbisaurous · 20/12/2025 05:47

Nightnanny0019 · 20/12/2025 04:37

I have a regular nanny who I've known for years but she's away at the moment.

I'm currently in the bedroom with them both on a floor mattress. They're both away and riling each other up. HmmI haven't slept all night.

Thats rough, I'm sorry OP. Do you have any daytime support you can call on today to help out? Even if just a second pair of hands/eyes/ears so you dont have to be quite so "on" today? If i had a friend in your position I'd be very happy to lend a hand in whatever capacity worked for your family.

Does the children's father have any input?

Amilliondreamsisallitagonnatake · 20/12/2025 05:46

Can you get some daytime childcare so you can rest?