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Original poster

Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

314 replies

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 20:27

My 15 y old son has got the shingles. My Mil says he can't come to hers because she's afraid. I have told her it is not contagieus unless she licks his back (only on back) because she has already had chicken pox as has the rest of the family.

She is convinced that it is contagieus even though I have sent her nhs links "oh, I don't care about the net" because she is adamant she got it from someone in her thirties and it was extremely painful. She does anecdotal evidence rather than scientific ex insists on antibiotics for viral infections so you can't reason with her. She's normally a lovely woman and a wonderful grandma but my son is so sad if he has to stay home for christmas (with me ofcourse). Personally I don't care but since christmas is important for him I'm frustrated with her stance on this. So DH and ds2 will go and ds1 will he heartbroken. To add: he's autistic and very immature, I doubt his brother would be as upset as him for ex.

Am I unreasonable to think that Mil should follow scientific guidance rather than her own "experiences"?

(And why didn't she get the vaccine when she went to have her covid and flu jab if she's so worried about it- they do all three and it's on a big sign in our pharmacy we both go to).

OP posts:
godmum56 · 19/12/2025 22:14

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:46

Thank you. I didn't think about this- I stupidly assumed that since he's fine now it will stay that way. He's rarely ill unlike his brother so I just assumed he'd be fine. Guess we'll wait and see then.. if he's ill then it would be logical for him not to go (but Ofcourse I don't hope for it).

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I thought the same. When the rash came out where I could see it, I went to the docs because I knew about getting the antiviral ASAP. It was quite a shock when the pain kicked off.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 19/12/2025 22:13

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:12

Wow. Thank you all for posting. Will try to answer questions:

Christmas is always at Mil's- family tradition- she loves hosting and we usually bring drinks/desert/chocolate/cheese/salmon etc so it won't be too much work for her. We live 30 minutes away from her so dh and ds2 will not sleep there. Dh is her only son he has to go.

She loves my sons as much as I do and it will be painful for her not having them both at hers. If that wouldn't be the case I would have told dh to stay home. But she's really afraid- she had an awful experience with shingles for weeks with awful pain. She has never been like this when the children are sick with something else. When one had fever she still wanted him to come (I declined) so she's not normally like this.

What annoys me is that she doesn't get that it's not contagious- a doctor in our family even tried to explain it to her to no avail. I think we just have to accept it and I will make it up to ds1 (plenty of chocolate and video games allowed). It's just frustrating when people are stubborn and won't believe scientifical facts.

Dh is her only son he has to go.

and your DH is your DS’s only father.

Your autistic DS who loves Christmas very much and will be incredibly upset to be “left behind”.

have a family Christmas with your DH visit his DM on Boxing Day.

CatFaceCatFace · 19/12/2025 22:11

Pranksters · 19/12/2025 22:07

It always is.

As a nurse I’m allowed to go to work with shingles providing the rash is covered.

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Good to know, I covered it up and carried on as normal, after reading this thread I was starting to get worried I'd infected half the town by going to work 😅

seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 22:09

Pranksters · 19/12/2025 22:07

It always is.

As a nurse I’m allowed to go to work with shingles providing the rash is covered.

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One would certainly hope your hand hygiene is better than the average 15 year old boy.

MrsDoomesPattersen · 19/12/2025 22:09

MotherofPufflings · 19/12/2025 21:59

Yes shingles is serious but you CANNOT CATCH IT FROM SOMEONE WITH SHINGLES OR CHICKENPOX.

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Read what I said - she has her own frame or reference and won’t be convinced

Coconutter24 · 19/12/2025 22:08

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:25

No, her brother and her Sil. But she would be devastated.

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So MIL being devastated trumps your son being heartbroken?

Piccante · 19/12/2025 22:08

I’ve had chicken pox twice, and shingles twice 🤷🏾‍♀️

Pranksters · 19/12/2025 22:07

FastFood · 19/12/2025 21:58

The level of misinformation here is actually quite concerning.

It always is.

As a nurse I’m allowed to go to work with shingles providing the rash is covered.

BettysRoasties · 19/12/2025 22:07

Who’s autistic dh?

I mean you’d think he would have some compassion to his son.

This is hardly a forgettable age.

Yeah dad left because his
mum who had company, who couldn’t catch it banned me from Christmas. hopefully your ds has more compassion than his father 🤷🏻‍♀️

Blinkingbother · 19/12/2025 22:06

Your dh is a dick (sorry!). If one child can’t go, none of you go. It’s as simple as that. At least you know where you & the kids come in order of priorities. What a git. You need to spell this out to him. Leaving one child at home is horrible. You should absolutely all stay. I can’t believe this is a question!!!

seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 22:06

MotherofPufflings · 19/12/2025 21:59

Yes shingles is serious but you CANNOT CATCH IT FROM SOMEONE WITH SHINGLES OR CHICKENPOX.

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You can catch chickenpox from someone with shingles. It may not be common to be reinfected with chickenpox, but some people's immunity does wane over time, especially if they had chickenpox very young.

Once an older person gets chickenpox, it can be very unpleasant, and sometimes it can be serious: pneumonia, sepsis, liver inflammation, etc, even death.

Teenagehorrorbag · 19/12/2025 22:06

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

You get shingles once you've had chicken pox, that's how it works! As long as she has had chicken pox she is fine. Plus she's not going to be in contact with his blisters anyway..

My MIL has this same attitude, and won't believe the science!

Agree the whole family should stay home! Have a lovely Christmas without her.

Incelebration · 19/12/2025 22:06

ProfessorofCunning · 19/12/2025 20:52

You can’t catch shingles from shingles. You can however catch chickenpox from shingles if you’ve never had it. As we discovered one Christmas when in-laws didn’t tell us FIL had it until we’d been there a day. Spent most of January and half of February at home with one child after the other 🫣
If anyone else is going who hasn’t had chickenpox, they will likely be infected. You can have it twice too if your first go round was mild, as we subsequently discovered with DH!

Jeez, I bet FIL was popular after all that!

MrsDoomesPattersen · 19/12/2025 22:03

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:25

No, her brother and her Sil. But she would be devastated.

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As are you - it’s just one of those things - can’t always go smoothly

DH stay home

Yayjust3yearstogo · 19/12/2025 22:02

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:57

It's christmas at Mils he wants. It's tradition and he's autistic and wants everything to be as usual.

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I get that! But a bit of solidarity wouldn’t go a miss. If he can’t go, none of you go. He’ll have a better day with the four of you at home rather than seeing his dad and brother head-out for the day that he desperately wants to be at.

PurpleThistle7 · 19/12/2025 22:00

I had shingles when I was 39 and then chicken pox (for the second time) exactly a year later. I thought I was going to die when I had chicken pox, it was awful. I had it as a child but plenty of people get it twice or don’t have it badly enough the first time to have lifetime immunity. We got our kids jabbed immediately to try to save them from this.

Scrolled through your posts and many others and am equally confused as to why it’s more important for your DH to be with his mum rather than you and his poorly child. Sounds easily fixable by having a lovely family day at home. And while it’s very unlikely she’d catch anything, it’s not impossible and if she did you’d feel terrible about it. She’ll be anxious, you’ll be anxious and it just won’t be lovely and relaxed at all. I’d do a do over Xmas in a few weeks when hopefully everyone is better.

JifNtGif · 19/12/2025 22:00

Those who have shingles shouldn't mingles. Those with the pox should change the locks.

MotherofPufflings · 19/12/2025 21:59

MrsDoomesPattersen · 19/12/2025 21:58

But he may well touch his back - it’s easy to say but hard to do

he could rub it while on the loo and then touch things

im sorry but I think you are hugely unreasonable - she’s not going to listen to the science - you need to let her use her own frame of reference and respect her rather than moan - especially as you e said she’s not usually like this

shingles is bloody serious - my dad was never the same

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Yes shingles is serious but you CANNOT CATCH IT FROM SOMEONE WITH SHINGLES OR CHICKENPOX.

QuickPeachPoet · 19/12/2025 21:58

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:42

Well normally I'm the one who says my children can't go to hers because they are ill- and she insists that they come anyway (but she's older so I wouldn't want to contaminate her so I never send them with a cough etc). So I was quite surprised by her reaction to say the least..

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I'd be disgusted, not surprised. She should be getting him round and spoiling him with plenty of hot chocolate and grandmotherly affection (which he probably doesn't need but would lap up).
And your DH planning to go and split the family disgusts me further. Why isn't he standing up for you and his son?

MrsDoomesPattersen · 19/12/2025 21:58

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:16

If you only have blisters on the back and the child is old enough to not touch his back (weirdly he says it doesn't itch nor does it hurt) and everyone has had chicken pox it's impossible to spread it.

The Dr in our family said not to worry unless she was going to lick his back🤢🤣

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But he may well touch his back - it’s easy to say but hard to do

he could rub it while on the loo and then touch things

im sorry but I think you are hugely unreasonable - she’s not going to listen to the science - you need to let her use her own frame of reference and respect her rather than moan - especially as you e said she’s not usually like this

shingles is bloody serious - my dad was never the same

FastFood · 19/12/2025 21:58

The level of misinformation here is actually quite concerning.

MotherofPufflings · 19/12/2025 21:57

seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 21:55

An older person can catch chicken pox again. And anyone can catch chickenpox from the fluid of the blisters before they have crusted over.

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Immunity to chickenpox is almost always lifelong. And even if it wasn't then you would have to have direct contact with the shingles blisters to catch chickenpox.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:57

Yayjust3yearstogo · 19/12/2025 21:56

Your MIL is not unreasonable, but your DH is. He and DS should be staying at home with you both, especially as Christmas is important to your 15 year old.

It's christmas at Mils he wants. It's tradition and he's autistic and wants everything to be as usual.

OP posts:
Original poster
arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:56

seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 21:55

An older person can catch chicken pox again. And anyone can catch chickenpox from the fluid of the blisters before they have crusted over.

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Not if the blisters are on the back and he's not touching them.

OP posts:
seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 21:56

Yayjust3yearstogo · 19/12/2025 21:56

Your MIL is not unreasonable, but your DH is. He and DS should be staying at home with you both, especially as Christmas is important to your 15 year old.

Exactly.

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