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Original poster

Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

314 replies

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 20:27

My 15 y old son has got the shingles. My Mil says he can't come to hers because she's afraid. I have told her it is not contagieus unless she licks his back (only on back) because she has already had chicken pox as has the rest of the family.

She is convinced that it is contagieus even though I have sent her nhs links "oh, I don't care about the net" because she is adamant she got it from someone in her thirties and it was extremely painful. She does anecdotal evidence rather than scientific ex insists on antibiotics for viral infections so you can't reason with her. She's normally a lovely woman and a wonderful grandma but my son is so sad if he has to stay home for christmas (with me ofcourse). Personally I don't care but since christmas is important for him I'm frustrated with her stance on this. So DH and ds2 will go and ds1 will he heartbroken. To add: he's autistic and very immature, I doubt his brother would be as upset as him for ex.

Am I unreasonable to think that Mil should follow scientific guidance rather than her own "experiences"?

(And why didn't she get the vaccine when she went to have her covid and flu jab if she's so worried about it- they do all three and it's on a big sign in our pharmacy we both go to).

OP posts:
Lougle · 19/12/2025 23:20

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

That's the whole point. You literally can't have shingles if you haven't had chicken pox because shingles is a reactivation of the virus (varicella zoster) that causes chicken pox.

  • Someone who has chicken pox can spread chicken pox to someone who hasn't had it.
  • Someone who has shingles can spread chicken pox to someone who hasn't had it, if the rash is still weeping and they are in contact with the fluid from the blisters.
  • Someone who has shingles can't spread shingles to anyone.

Shingles is normally confined to a particular area of the body because it reactivates along a nerve pathway.

@arcticpandas how would MIL respond if you offered to put a dressing over the rash, so your DS has a double layer of protection from spreading any fluid?

Hippobot · 19/12/2025 23:15

Surely you all go or none of you go.

GooseberryGreen · 19/12/2025 23:15

You cannot catch shingles. You can catch chickenpox. Chickenpox never truly leaves the body - it hides out for ever. Occasionally if somebody is a bit run down or has a glitch in their immune system it breaks through and you get shingles. If you get shingles it is your own chickenpox breaking through, not something you caught from somebody else. It is very likely that your MIL has had chickenpox in her past. Still you can't reason with stupid.

By the way, very fast antivirals can absolutely stop shingles in its tracks. The possibity though of prompt medical attention in the UK seems to be less likely than seeing a unicorn in your garden. Children can also be vaccinated against chicken pox thus hopefully avoiding any possibility of chickenpox or shingles in their future.

I think you should all stay home and leave your ignorant MIL to the solitary Christmas she wants for her grandson.

ProfessionalPirate · 19/12/2025 23:06

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

You’ve misunderstood - shingles is a reactivation of the chicken pox virus from a previous infection. The reactivation can occur randomly for various reasons but you can’t catch shingles directly.

Someone with no immunity to the chicken pox virus could catch a primary chicken pox infection from someone with shingles, but otherwise it’s not contagious.

Springbaby2023 · 19/12/2025 23:04

Sorry but both you and DH are being very unreasonable to put your MIL’s Christmas above your own. Stay at home the four of you. DH can go over with well DS on Boxing Day.

BreadInCaptivity · 19/12/2025 23:03

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:25

No, her brother and her Sil. But she would be devastated.

Show quote history

But she doesn’t mind your son being devastated….

godmum56 · 19/12/2025 23:02

OakleyAnnie · 19/12/2025 22:56

There’s not a chance in hell that he’d be in my house with shingles. I’ve had it before too and am vulnerable to catching it again. She will be too. I was Dreadfully ill and then had post hepatic pain for months. For some people this never goes away. It can lead to suicide for some poor sufferers.
you have to be quite elderly to qualify for the vaccination. Believe me I’ve tried to get my surgery to give it to me to no avail.

For the millionth time you DO NOT catch shingles from someone else. If you are over 50 and can afford it, you can buy shingles vaccine privately.

jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple · 19/12/2025 23:02

Does MIL then think that your dh and other child would not carry any risk ,them being in the same house as your son, if she is so sure it is contagous ?

dementedpixie · 19/12/2025 23:02

OakleyAnnie · 19/12/2025 22:56

There’s not a chance in hell that he’d be in my house with shingles. I’ve had it before too and am vulnerable to catching it again. She will be too. I was Dreadfully ill and then had post hepatic pain for months. For some people this never goes away. It can lead to suicide for some poor sufferers.
you have to be quite elderly to qualify for the vaccination. Believe me I’ve tried to get my surgery to give it to me to no avail.

You dont catch shingles!
You develop it after having chickenpox in the past

dementedpixie · 19/12/2025 23:01

Happyher · 19/12/2025 23:00

Not everyone can have the shingles vaccine. You have it at 65 or 70 if you were over 65 when it was introduced. Having chicken pox does not make you immune to shingles

Its having chickenpox that puts you at risk of shingles as the virus reactivates

ProfessionalPirate · 19/12/2025 23:01

There is absolutely no way I would be ok with DH and DS2 going on their own and splitting the family up on Christmas Day. Either you all go, or all stay and have a cosy Christmas at home.

Happyher · 19/12/2025 23:00

Not everyone can have the shingles vaccine. You have it at 65 or 70 if you were over 65 when it was introduced. Having chicken pox does not make you immune to shingles

Zonder · 19/12/2025 22:59

OakleyAnnie · 19/12/2025 22:56

There’s not a chance in hell that he’d be in my house with shingles. I’ve had it before too and am vulnerable to catching it again. She will be too. I was Dreadfully ill and then had post hepatic pain for months. For some people this never goes away. It can lead to suicide for some poor sufferers.
you have to be quite elderly to qualify for the vaccination. Believe me I’ve tried to get my surgery to give it to me to no avail.

You can't catch shingles. You can only catch chicken pox.

TheatricalLife · 19/12/2025 22:59

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:55

No. Said they only give it to older/frail/sick people. He's not sick at all and it doesn't hurt or itch- touch wood.

Show quote history

Really? They gave it to me when I was a 32 year old super fit crossfitter -and my case was not particularly painful or bad. Unfortunately, the medication made me feel worse than shingles!!!!

jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple · 19/12/2025 22:58

LuckyCharmz · 19/12/2025 20:54

You stay as a family at Christmas, if he can’t go then you all stay at home together surely?

Thats how my family work ...all of us or non of us.

OakleyAnnie · 19/12/2025 22:56

There’s not a chance in hell that he’d be in my house with shingles. I’ve had it before too and am vulnerable to catching it again. She will be too. I was Dreadfully ill and then had post hepatic pain for months. For some people this never goes away. It can lead to suicide for some poor sufferers.
you have to be quite elderly to qualify for the vaccination. Believe me I’ve tried to get my surgery to give it to me to no avail.

Zonder · 19/12/2025 22:54

This is crazy. It's 6 days til Christmas. Even if he is still blistery now he won't be by Thursday so won't be contagious at all.

Toomanysofttoys · 19/12/2025 22:44

I had shingles on my thighs, buttocks and inside bits only a torch could see and it felt like I'd been burned with an iron and then like water was dripping down me and clothing hurt so much. Even if doctor told me I couldn't catch it I'd be nervous too. I can understand why she's acting like that.
I also think you should all stay at home and facetime her instead. Then see her at new years

StripyHorse · 19/12/2025 22:44

While MIL has the right to avoid potential viruses (however ill informed) she does not get to split your family unit up. I am with other posters with this.

Do you think if DH and other DC weren't going, that MIL might backtrack and decide she is OK with it after all? I can see my MIL doing that.

Sassylovesbooks · 19/12/2025 22:38

You can't 'catch' Shingles, it's the chicken pox virus that's reactivated in the body, causing the Shingles. However, if someone hasn't had chicken pox, they can get that from someone who has Shingles. My son had Shingles in April/May, and couldn't go to school, and it was very painful. I'm not sure why your husband and other child are still going to your MIL's?! Surely, your husband tells his Mum that none of you will be coming, and it will be a quiet Christmas at home?! It's her choice not to want your eldest son there, even if you think her reasoning isn't correct.

BestZebbie · 19/12/2025 22:28

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:12

Wow. Thank you all for posting. Will try to answer questions:

Christmas is always at Mil's- family tradition- she loves hosting and we usually bring drinks/desert/chocolate/cheese/salmon etc so it won't be too much work for her. We live 30 minutes away from her so dh and ds2 will not sleep there. Dh is her only son he has to go.

She loves my sons as much as I do and it will be painful for her not having them both at hers. If that wouldn't be the case I would have told dh to stay home. But she's really afraid- she had an awful experience with shingles for weeks with awful pain. She has never been like this when the children are sick with something else. When one had fever she still wanted him to come (I declined) so she's not normally like this.

What annoys me is that she doesn't get that it's not contagious- a doctor in our family even tried to explain it to her to no avail. I think we just have to accept it and I will make it up to ds1 (plenty of chocolate and video games allowed). It's just frustrating when people are stubborn and won't believe scientifical facts.

MIL should put it all in the freezer until the week after! You have family Christmas and good long Zoom call with her on the 25th, then have bonus MIL Christmas asap once everyone is healthy.

Summerbay23 · 19/12/2025 22:26

I can’t believe you wouldn’t just have a family Christmas at home! Your MIL won’t be on her own but she needs to understand that you, DH and other DC should be together. I’d be hugely upset if my DH didn’t spend Christmas with myself and our family.

Changename12 · 19/12/2025 22:23

Your husband is being very very unreasonable. He should stay at home and you should have a family Christmas together. Your son should be far more important to him than his mother. Christmas should be an exciting time for children.
I say this as a Grandmother. I would not want a child of mine to come to me for any occasion if it meant leaving one of my grandchildren behind.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 19/12/2025 22:17

Coconutter24 · 19/12/2025 22:08

So MIL being devastated trumps your son being heartbroken?

Show quote history

Right?? Especially when one considers that she is an adult making the choice to exclude DS1 (doesn’t matter if the exclusion is reasonable or not. It is her choice to do this).

whereas OP’s DS1 is an autistic teenager who apparently really loves Christmas and did not choose to be excluded…

Calendulaaria · 19/12/2025 22:16

ScaryM0nster · 19/12/2025 20:29

I think I’d be tempted to have a family Christmas at home if she’s not budging.

Same.