Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

Sorry, things sounds tough, but love the OP, very clever

I’ve had chicken pox twice……

I've had shingles and it was awful. And it caused serious nerve pain which was agonisingly painful for 2 weeks when I could hardly sleep and that was post 2 weeks of flu symptoms and the blotches starting to heal. In short, I was really ill for a month. Seek advice from the shingles society they have a helpline but if I was your mother in law I wouldn't be taking the risk. I still have scarring and occasional mild nerve pain a year later. Incidentally I met my brother 3 weeks after my first symptoms and by the beginning of the following week he had spots on his face around his eyes which turned out to be shingles. He did say he was feeling ill beforehand so it was likely a coincidence but you don't want a situation where you feel responsible for making someone ill. In fact, in his case there was a serious risk it was going to permanently damage his eyesight.

But she’s already said her DS isn’t bothered about other family members not being at home, it’s about his Christmas not being where it usually is

So going with MIL’s thinking it’s contagious- you all have to stay at home.
If she accepts it’s not you can all go if DS Is feeling ok.
Put the logic to her and your DH

She's clearly terrified of shingles after a horrible experience. So am I. As a child I witnessed my strong, calm grandfather in complete agony rolling on the floor in distress. He had shingles in his face and behind his eyes. When I hear of people killing themselves, I think of him. I imagine that he was close to that.
I was 70 last week and I can't wait to get the vaccine.

I'm guessing that your MIL was scared that the vaccine might trigger it (in the same way that the flu jab can cause a mild flu-like reaction).

This sounds like serious health anxiety, to me.

Also, the husband could be carrying chickenpox virus even if he is showing no symptoms as shingles can give people chickenpox.

"Chickenpox (varicella) is a highly contagious disease caused by a virus. It spreads easily from person to person if they are not immune. Chickenpox causes a rash with blisters that can spread the disease through direct contact. This disease can travel through the air when people cough, sneeze, talk, or laugh. It can also spread when items with saliva on them are shared. Items include cups, bottles, cans, forks, spoons, and more. Cough or sneeze into a tissue or your elbow. Put used tissues in a lined waste bin or a trash can with a lid. This will help reduce the risk of germs spreading in the air and on surfaces."

From https: //www dot health dot ny dot gov/diseases/communicable/chickenpox/fact_sheet.htm

And people CAN and DO get chickenpox twice. Not common, but far more of a concern than getting shingles from someone with shingles - which most seem to agree is not a thing.
https :// www. dot healthline.com/health/can-you-get-chickenpox-twice

And you CAN be a carrier for chickenpox without having any symptoms, as it can take days for symptoms to develop.

So if Gran is actually truly worried about catching a communicable disease, none of them should be visiting at all.

I think that's what would be described by professionals as "a coincidence".

Shingles is contagious IF you are at risk. How bad your first bout of pox was is really important factor.

My DS got the mildest form of chicken pox ever... he had 3 blisters on his whole body all in the same 2 inch area on his back. We weren't even 100% it was chicken pox because I have never seen it so mild and he wasn't sick.

Well about 5 years later he got singles during a big school outbreak of chicken pox, he had more blisters with shingles but all in the exact same original spot. Dr and school said to just stick an bandage over it and carry on as he was otherwise perfectly healthy.

He got like 1 blister again when my younger 2 got chicken pox, once again seemed fine though.

Basically he had such a weak variant that he didn't get 'proper' immunity and can just keep re-catching it the same as he had it originally but he has such a strong immune system that it luckily doesn't bother him.

Advice is to avoid the immuno-compromised but otherwise carry on. Keep it clean but bandage to avoid spreading fluid.

Honestly Mumsnet absolutely astounds me sometimes. People are mental. Your 15 year old should definitely be prioritised in this case. Let your MIL be alone so she doesn't catch it (although she can't)...but if my DH was going to take younger son to this shit show I'd be fuming. If ended up being just me and DS15 I'd aim to make it allll about him. His food choice, film choice, music choice etc...make him realise mum got his back. And realise DH needs to get a bloody grip and start rethinking his life

Dh is her only son he has to go.

Dh is also your only husband. Also your son's only father.

This is nuts.

I can understand your MIL wanting to be careful - shingles/chicken pox risk is hard to understand. But why on earth does she, you, your dh and your other son think this means you and DS stay home alone while they go off to celebrate christmas as usual?? In my family and in my dh's family this would mean "oh so sorry you can't join us but lets all get together as soon as he is shingle free.

Why wouldn't your dh prefer to stay with you and his son for xmas?????

Yep, dismissing the genuine fear of an old person who will have a compromised immune system does not have a very Christmassy feel to it.

And according to Mayo Clinic people CAN catch chickenpox from him, so unless everyone is fine with that it's not ok to turn up.

It would hurt nobody at all for OPS family to ALL just stay home.

Your DH may be her only son but he is your only husband & the only father of your 2 children. If she will not listen to reason & allow her grandchild with shingles to visit then she does not get your DH, the 2 grandsons & you. Your DH is disregarding his sick son, you his wife & his other son. Maybe more of a husband problem rather than a MIL problem.

Wtf.
Chickenpox is the primary infection which sits in the body and comes out as shingles when you are older, stressed, immune system impaired.
You cannot catch shingles.

I first had shingles 15 years ago after being in contact with someone with it. I definitely believe thats where I got it. I have had it several times since and its awful. The older you get the worse it is. Can lead to nerve damage. I can understand her fear. You should all stay home.

Has she had chickenpox? Has everyone else who will be there had chickenpox?

It's possible to catch chickenpox from a person with shingles. "A person with shingles can pass the varicella-zoster virus to anyone who isn't immune to chickenpox...Once infected, though, the person will develop chickenpox rather than shingles. Chickenpox can be dangerous for some people. Until your shingles blisters scab over, you are contagious. Avoid physical contact with anyone who hasn't yet had chickenpox or the chickenpox vaccine. That includes people with weakened immune systems..." From https ://www dot mayoclinic dot org/diseases-conditions/shingles/symptoms-causes/syc-20353054

Anyway, your family can just stay home and have Christmas together, seems a nice simple solution.

Ironically, it’s low grade repeat exposure to chicken pox virus in the child population that boosts the elderly community’s immunity and helps to prevent shingles. Allegedly this is part of the reason the NHS was reluctant to roll out chicken pox vaccinations for children - anticipating an increase in shingles cases.

Catching chicken pox twice is rare. Often what appears to be chicken pox for the second time is in fact a primary infection and the original illness was something else that mimicked chicken pox. Otherwise, it can only happen with a failure of immune response following the first infection. As the OP’s MIL has had shingles, we know that this wasn’t the case with her so I would suggest the chance of her catching chicken pox for a second time at this stage is basically zero.

It depends how bad the chickenpox was… I have had chicken pox about 5 times and I’ve had shingles a fair few times (once in my eye, was horrible!!) but I have a very compromised immune system. You can catch chicken pox more than once though.

You are being very considerate of your MIL. I guess the main thing is your son is old enough to begin to understand that people will worry more about their health as they get older, and this can affect plans. E. G. If she was at risk of pneumonia and one of you had a terrible cold, they would probably not go. I appreciate it’s harder for your son than your other child but maybe it’s a good thing to know it can happen that plans have to change sometimes because of an older person’s health. I imagine it will become more likely to happen again as years go by. I hope you all have a great day.

100% agree DH stays home with other child and you have a family Christmas. Kids massively prefer to be in their own house at Xmas anyway

I’m really confused by the split your closest family up on Xmas day approach. Nobody should go, and even more so as she’s already got company. She’ll have to make do with them if she’s being so unreasonable (and she is as isn’t listening to facts). I’d actually be pissed off if my husband chose to go. How very odd in terms of his priorities.

Then this needs to be a message to stand firm and stand up for your son. You cant split the family up on xmas day, especially if he has autism. I can understand her fear but by her very own unfactual knowledge, you are all shingle vessels....

And if DH doesnt have his own sons back, then thats another thread entirely!

Although rare you can have chicken pox twice, my nephew has had chicken pox twice. With the second time being in contact with someone with shingles.

Honestly, if my own child had shingles, I would not risk having them visit their elderly grandparents, having experienced my own nephew getting the chicken pox for a second time.

I'm not sure how shingles is spread to someone to get chicken pox but pretty sure you don't have to lick them to which you have referred to.

When I had shingles, I had it on my back. The practice nurse told me I could go to work (in a Scottish high school). However, Mum was in hospital at the time and the Charge Nurse told me I couldn't go in.