Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

Why should the son be ostracised, its not a Easter sunday lunch, its Christmas Day. They should all stay home.

I think you should split the difference & have a lovely family Xmas breakfast, then other son & DH go to MIL for a much more limited time than usual whilst you & ill son have a special non-Xmas favourite lunch (whatever his favourite is), watch his favourite movie then DH comes back early and you have a cosy family evening.

I do understand MIL's attitude although it's not logical - many people aren't logical about health and it's easy to be fearful when you're older and generally more vulnerable.

Not true.
*You can spread chickenpox to other people from 2 days before your spots appear until they have all formed scabs, which is usually 5 days after your spots appeared.
The spots start appearing around 1 to 3 weeks after you caught chickenpox.
You can catch chickenpox from:

• being in the same room as someone with it
• touching things that have fluid from the blisters on them
• someone who has shingles if you have not had chickenpox before (but you cannot catch shingles from someone who has chickenpox)*

Your DH doesn't ‘have’ to go! He’s choosing to go. There’s a huge difference. Your MIL lives close enough for him to pop over for an hour in the morning then be back home to have Christmas dinner and the rest of the day with his children. He doesn’t have to be a martyr.

I know who I’d prioritise

Oh my god. If MiL is refsing her Gson as he has shingles, the obvious thing to do is for OP, husband and both DC to stay home together for Christmas. Why is it so difficult to do the right thing for Dson who is ill? Dad should be stepping up, supporting his son and telling his mum, we'll get together when DS is well.

But your son will be devastated and he is only a child. Your MIL's position is unreasonable because she is ignoring medical advice. As she has had shingles before, she could get it again, although that is very rare, but not through contact with someone else with shingles.

If OP's MIL feels as she does, I have no idea why she wouldn't get the shingles vaccine. You can't catch shingles from someone with shingles. If you haven't had chicken pox, you could get chicken pox, but MIL has had chicken pox. The only people that the NHS recommends should avoid contact with someone with shingles are:

• anyone who is pregnant and has not had chickenpox before
• people with a weakened immune system – like someone having chemotherapy
• babies less than 1 month old

If DS1 isn't allowed to go, they should have Christmas in their own home.

Well, of course I've read the thread (it's full of people confidently stating you can't get chickenpox twice). OP mentions it's on his back in the first three lines of her OP. If they haven't crusted over and he absent-mindedly scratches his back, he can transfer the virus. It may be unlikely, but people have different risk thresholds and health worries.

I think it is ridiculous to separate the family for this, and hope something can be worked out that allows the MIL to feel safer, and the family to not be split on the day merely to satisfy her anxieties.

MIL is within her rights to decide her own level if risk she is willing to take.

The stranger thing is half your family deciding to go ahead with the usual plans and having a great time leaving the 2 of you stuck at home feeling lonely. Your family should be a whole unit and in it together. Your son at home would have much less of a miserable time if your all in it together and doing your own family Christmas this year with all the trimmings. Instead he will be there with you knowing his sibling is having more fun with more family members and his dad chose to do family away from him. Sounds like a selfish DH rather than a MIL problem. And you seem brainwashed into thinking this is OK. Most families would never be separated at Christmas, all go or none go

It always is on shingles threads. MN should be required to edit the titles of any threads about shingles to include a link to the nhs website page.

When your personal experience and hard earned wisdom tells you a certain situation is dangerous for your health, it’s very hard to ignore it. Nature makes us like that deliberately.

Your MIL sounds really lovely OP, and often puts herself at risk for coughs and colds and fevers by putting her grandchildren first. But shingles is a dreaded disease in the elderly and we must all do our best to protect our health and be on our guard.
You also come across as a lovely mum, but on this occasion, I think you should not be pushing to take your son to her home simply because you consider her wilfully ignorant of the scientific facts. Please respect her natural inclination in this situation

Under these circumstances, if I were your MiL, I would cook the Christmas meal and have it sent it over to you so that you could all stay together at home. I would do that with the expectation that you are capable of making Christmas just as lovely in your own home for your children as she makes it for your children in hers.

It’s not wrong of her to protect her health in any way she feels is right, but it is wrong of her to expect you four to split up for the day to accommodate her wishes.

This. Have a quiet family Xmas at home.

My mother had it and it was absolutely bloody awful. Seriously. Id let your mil deal with it in her own way. You cant get pissed off with someone else's attitude to their own health just because it doesnt suit your plans.

You're being more mature and kind to MIL than I would be, I think. It seems such an over-reaction to break up your family Christmas especially when your son has nearly a week of getting better and crusting up between now and Christmas still. How much virus is still going to be shed in a week's time? Apologies if I've missed it but have you talked with her about whether it might be ok for him to come if the rash is crusted over? It's impossible to catch it from his back, and it's impossible to catch it even from licking his back when fully crusted over. Sure she doesn't accept one impossibility as impossible enough, but if it's impossible for 2 different reasons by Thurs - nearly a week away - might that be acceptable? I get what you're saying though, if you can't convince her than she needs antibiotics for a virus then what hope have you got?

If your husband really must go I would say he should seriously limit the time he spends at his mum's. You all deserve to be together on Christmas too. I'm not sure what your timings are but maybe he could spend the whole morning with you and get back well before teatime so you can still have several hours of being all together.

Silly question but are you absolutely sure your MIL would rather split up her son from his own wife and son - on Christmas day - than have a smaller Christmas day without him? I just wonder if being the reason they are apart might be more devastating for her than seeing your husband on boxing day instead. People can get self absorbed I know, but she sounds like a lovely lady who loves her grandson so it just sounds a bit off key that she would put her own wish to see your husband above her 15 year old grandson seeing his dad.

Scientific impossibility.

Not sure if you have read the whole thread, @seafoamhair, but the blisters are on the DS’s back. Granny won’t be affected in any way.

You can only get shingles if you’ve had chicken pox. It’s the chicken pox virus in your system that is reactivated when you get shingles.

Yep, people can and DO get chicken pox twice. They can also get it if they have been vaccinated. Having chicken pox or getting vaccinated massively reduces your chances of getting it - but you still can.

And shingles CAN give people chicken pox.

I had this in May and still have numbness and the odd tingle or two. I had chicken pox when I was 10 and 25 years later this bloody flares up. I hope he recovers quickly, it is rubbish.

You can only get shingles if you have already had chickenpox!

You are right in everything that you have said. Granny already carries immunity to the varicella‑zoster virus (the virus that causes both chickenpox and shingles) so she cannot catch chickenpox again nor can she catch shingles from someone else, because shingles is a reactivation of the virus already in her own body — not something you catch from others.

A person with shingles can only spread the virus if someone touches the fluid from the blisters, and even then, the only thing they could cause is chickenpox in someone who has never had it.

It’s generally safe for your son to visit her, as long as, his rash is covered with clothing or a dressing, there is no direct contact with the blisters (so no licking) and he washes his hands regularly.

Since the grandmother has had chickenpox, she is not at risk but if she is adamant she is, I'm afraid I would be using her rationale against her. If she believes that although she has already had chickenpox, she can catch shingles from your son, then surely that means that the rest of your family could have shingles (you, Dad, siblings, as they live with your son) and not yet know it (and on that basis), none can go to hers at Christmas to protect her?

Following her rationale, If someone is exposed to shingles and gets chickenpox, they won’t be contagious immediately and they willy become contagious roughly 9–20 days after exposure, depending on when their rash begins.

Unless of course she wants to review the medical guidance which says it is fine for the whole family to visit as they have all had chickenpox including her?

However there is one caveat to this. If the granny has a severely weakened immune system (for example, from chemotherapy, high‑dose steroids, or certain illnesses), it’s always wise to check with her doctor — not because she could “catch” shingles, but because her immune system may be more vulnerable in general.

is it possible that contact with the chickenpox virus could cause it to reactivate in your MIL? i guess shingles isn't technically contagious, but is there any way the virus itself could trigger it? i'm no medical expert, but even though you can't literally catch shingles from someone, if an immuno compromised person (like an elderly person) has contact with the chickenpox virus and it makes them sick again, or even just puts pressure on their immune system, then couldn't that cause shingles as a knock-on effect? i did have a quick look on nhs websites and it recommends to stay away from immuno compromised people if you have shingles

I'm really shocked that your MIL has banned one of your children from going to her house for Christmas but your husband and other son would still go without you.

Any normal family would stay at home together. If your MIL is devastated then that's tough luck, she made her choice.
What kind of husband would put his mother above his wife and child at Christmas?