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Original poster

Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

314 replies

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 20:27

My 15 y old son has got the shingles. My Mil says he can't come to hers because she's afraid. I have told her it is not contagieus unless she licks his back (only on back) because she has already had chicken pox as has the rest of the family.

She is convinced that it is contagieus even though I have sent her nhs links "oh, I don't care about the net" because she is adamant she got it from someone in her thirties and it was extremely painful. She does anecdotal evidence rather than scientific ex insists on antibiotics for viral infections so you can't reason with her. She's normally a lovely woman and a wonderful grandma but my son is so sad if he has to stay home for christmas (with me ofcourse). Personally I don't care but since christmas is important for him I'm frustrated with her stance on this. So DH and ds2 will go and ds1 will he heartbroken. To add: he's autistic and very immature, I doubt his brother would be as upset as him for ex.

Am I unreasonable to think that Mil should follow scientific guidance rather than her own "experiences"?

(And why didn't she get the vaccine when she went to have her covid and flu jab if she's so worried about it- they do all three and it's on a big sign in our pharmacy we both go to).

OP posts:
Changename12 · 20/12/2025 11:56

sittingonabeach · 20/12/2025 10:44

@Changename12 the MIL obviously has an aversion to shingles/chicken pox due to prior experience which is making her act like this. It may be irrational to others but to her it makes sense. Bearing in mind OP's DS has OCD so again will have rational to him but irrational actions to others, so it may be a family trait.

MIL sounds lovely but can't get past the fear of shingles, which is devastating her.

Would you be able to FaceTime her at all during the day or would that be more distressing?

MIL is entitled to her fear of shingles. What no good MIL would do is want to split a family with children up for Christmas because she wants to see her son.

Cherrytree86 · 20/12/2025 11:35

There’s some horrible comments on here about OP’ mother in law - really shows the hidden ageism and internalised misogyny that lurks just below the surface of so many people 😢

itsthetea · 20/12/2025 11:32

He’s being rude beyond belief !

I would say that both him and ds2 could of course be carrying the infection / after all your DH has been grumpy which is a sign he’s going down with something

Elsvieta · 20/12/2025 11:29

Don't punish ds for her being irrational - if someone gets left out it should be her, not him.

jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple · 20/12/2025 11:25

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 09:39

I think some posters didn't see what I wrote in an earlier post:

DS1 wants to have christmas at GMs because that is what christmas is about for him. If it would make him happy to have his dad and ds2 at home then they would stay at home. He really does not care if they stay or go as long as I stay with him. He's not very social at his best- and just want things as they are "supposed to be". If I asked him if he wants dad and ds2 to stay at home he will say that it doesn't matter because it's not christmas anyway. I honestly think that he will be happier with just me rather than his grumpy father (oh yeah he'd be grumpy for himself and for his mum even though he would stay home if I told him to) and his brother who he keep having conflicts with.

I KNOW that he would be happy having a good meal with me, opening gifts, eating chocolate while I agree to watch silly you tube videos of people farting in public (torture- but for christmas I will do it for him). And letting him play video games which He's not allowed to in the evening. So he will be sad at first but he will get over it.

As for Mil she's heartbroken the poor woman. She is a gentle and kind soul and it hurts her the most not to have my son. She really loves him, especially because he's vulnerable. She even watch fart prank videos with him and laughs and she's quite a distinguished person so this shows the efforts she's willing to do in order to connect with him.

He called her yesterday and asked her if dhe was really afraid or if it was that she didn't want him there because she didn't love him. She reassured him ofcourse. I had her on the phone this morning and she was crying- poor woman. I really can't hold this against her. She's convinced that she got contaminated with the shingles from a friend so no matter what the science may say it won't change anything. It's like she's got some ptsd response to those weeks she was in awful pain. I have reassured her and told her that she will make it up to DS1 afterwards having just him over for a lovely day and spoil him rotten with his favourite foods and videos etc and she calmed down a bit.

I feel bad for moaning about her- even if it's only here and thank god she doesn't know of MN😅. This is really just a case of being understanding of another person's perceived level of threat which no scientific arguments can fight against.

I did tell her to get vaccinated asap which she will do on Monday.

Thank you all for your comments and have a lovely christmas! 🩷

Well then in summary ..you have a husband problem, him being grumpy putting his mother first insteadof his wife and children. What a peach of a man he is. Good luck with that going forward OP. The man is an absolute pillock,he is a disgusting human being.

Buildabear25 · 20/12/2025 11:24

Has he had the anti-viral?

If you take the anti-viral within a few days of it starting you can be over it in a week.

I had a friend come to stay with me and when she arrived she said she really wasn't well. It had just started that morning while travelling. She went to bed. Later she was trying to get up and told me she had blisters. Immediately knew it was shingles. Took her to an out of ours GP. She got anti-viral. She felt poorly for a couple of days, by day 4 she was over it. Blisters gone. She was in work the following week completely back to normal.

Dr said if she took the anti-virals within 72hrs it stops it (for most people).

So if he's had the antivirals - perfectly reasonable to expect him to be over it by middle of next week.

sittingonabeach · 20/12/2025 10:44

@Changename12 the MIL obviously has an aversion to shingles/chicken pox due to prior experience which is making her act like this. It may be irrational to others but to her it makes sense. Bearing in mind OP's DS has OCD so again will have rational to him but irrational actions to others, so it may be a family trait.

MIL sounds lovely but can't get past the fear of shingles, which is devastating her.

Would you be able to FaceTime her at all during the day or would that be more distressing?

sittingonabeach · 20/12/2025 10:37

Some people can have chicken pox more than once

Changename12 · 20/12/2025 10:31

Sorry OP, your MIL is not a lovely woman if she would rather her son went to her than stayed at home with his own family. What sort of Christmas are you going to have? Your MIL has other company. If a family can’t travel as a whole on Christmas Day, then they can stay together. You can have a meal with your MIL after Christmas. This is what most grandparents would suggest.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 10:30

chocciechocface · 20/12/2025 10:25

I had shingles when I was pregnant. When they suspected shingles I was sent to the local hospital and they wouldn’t allow me to come in. I had to wait outside, and then be escorted via back passages avoiding other patients. I assumed it was because I was a contagious risk to them …?

It would be dangerous because you could contaminate people with chicken pox if they haven't had it. To be avoided- especially for pregnant women..

OP posts:
chocciechocface · 20/12/2025 10:25

I had shingles when I was pregnant. When they suspected shingles I was sent to the local hospital and they wouldn’t allow me to come in. I had to wait outside, and then be escorted via back passages avoiding other patients. I assumed it was because I was a contagious risk to them …?

ShowOfHands · 20/12/2025 10:10

It sounds like you're making the best of a very difficult situation. My niece is autistic and a comparable situation a couple of years ago led to splitting the family at Christmas. She didn't care about that, she just mourned the original plan.

My DH can't make immunity to chicken pox and has had it several times, each time worse than the last. The most recent time, he had meningitis and it was only the lumbar puncture which showed it was caused by chicken pox. He hadn't even got any spots. I'm afraid we wouldn't spend time with people who had shingles and not because like your poor mil, we think it's contagious but because with dh's medical history, we simply don't know how he will react to the virus even with a tiny theoretical risk to exposure. The meningitis was bad enough. Sometimes that level of trauma leaves a mark and it's regrettable that it's at Christmas.

I hope you all have as lovely a day as possible.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 09:39

I think some posters didn't see what I wrote in an earlier post:

DS1 wants to have christmas at GMs because that is what christmas is about for him. If it would make him happy to have his dad and ds2 at home then they would stay at home. He really does not care if they stay or go as long as I stay with him. He's not very social at his best- and just want things as they are "supposed to be". If I asked him if he wants dad and ds2 to stay at home he will say that it doesn't matter because it's not christmas anyway. I honestly think that he will be happier with just me rather than his grumpy father (oh yeah he'd be grumpy for himself and for his mum even though he would stay home if I told him to) and his brother who he keep having conflicts with.

I KNOW that he would be happy having a good meal with me, opening gifts, eating chocolate while I agree to watch silly you tube videos of people farting in public (torture- but for christmas I will do it for him). And letting him play video games which He's not allowed to in the evening. So he will be sad at first but he will get over it.

As for Mil she's heartbroken the poor woman. She is a gentle and kind soul and it hurts her the most not to have my son. She really loves him, especially because he's vulnerable. She even watch fart prank videos with him and laughs and she's quite a distinguished person so this shows the efforts she's willing to do in order to connect with him.

He called her yesterday and asked her if dhe was really afraid or if it was that she didn't want him there because she didn't love him. She reassured him ofcourse. I had her on the phone this morning and she was crying- poor woman. I really can't hold this against her. She's convinced that she got contaminated with the shingles from a friend so no matter what the science may say it won't change anything. It's like she's got some ptsd response to those weeks she was in awful pain. I have reassured her and told her that she will make it up to DS1 afterwards having just him over for a lovely day and spoil him rotten with his favourite foods and videos etc and she calmed down a bit.

I feel bad for moaning about her- even if it's only here and thank god she doesn't know of MN😅. This is really just a case of being understanding of another person's perceived level of threat which no scientific arguments can fight against.

I did tell her to get vaccinated asap which she will do on Monday.

Thank you all for your comments and have a lovely christmas! 🩷

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 20/12/2025 09:32

@Soontobe60 the info you have posted is for someone who has chickenpox and how they transmit chickenpox to other people. Shingles is different and does not pass on chickenpox through the air. If the shingles rash can be covered so there's no touching of the rash then it's unlikely for chickenpox to be passed to others

StopThePigeonNow · 20/12/2025 09:23

TheMimsy · 19/12/2025 21:15

@arcticpandas massive squishes to you and your son. Shingles is awful. I have a weakened immune system and get it monthly often more than one case triggered by stress, heavy period, illness, run down.. moon phases… it seems constant.

It’s on my ample behind and lower back and in the 13 years I’ve had it no one has licked me or caught it. I am tempted to rub my bum on door handles of people that annoy me though.

I am another one voting for you all staying at home. It’s either a whole family unit that attends or none of you.

I’m another one that gets shingles very frequently. I’m now under the infectious disease unit as they’re trying to find out why I’m getting them as there’s no underlying reason. It’s flipping shit feeling so awful all the time and then you think you’re better and try to get back to normality and they come back again. 💐

I think DH and other DC should just go and visit for an hour or 2 but you should have the rest of Christmas Day as a family.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 09:19

Soontobe60 · 20/12/2025 07:49

Not true.
*You can spread chickenpox to other people from 2 days before your spots appear until they have all formed scabs, which is usually 5 days after your spots appeared.
The spots start appearing around 1 to 3 weeks after you caught chickenpox.
You can catch chickenpox from:

  • being in the same room as someone with it
  • touching things that have fluid from the blisters on them
  • someone who has shingles if you have not had chickenpox before (but you cannot catch shingles from someone who has chickenpox)*
Show quote history

We were talking about spreading SHINGLES not chicken pox. They have all had chicken pox so that's not an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 09:12

Lougle · 19/12/2025 23:20

That's the whole point. You literally can't have shingles if you haven't had chicken pox because shingles is a reactivation of the virus (varicella zoster) that causes chicken pox.

  • Someone who has chicken pox can spread chicken pox to someone who hasn't had it.
  • Someone who has shingles can spread chicken pox to someone who hasn't had it, if the rash is still weeping and they are in contact with the fluid from the blisters.
  • Someone who has shingles can't spread shingles to anyone.

Shingles is normally confined to a particular area of the body because it reactivates along a nerve pathway.

@arcticpandas how would MIL respond if you offered to put a dressing over the rash, so your DS has a double layer of protection from spreading any fluid?

Show quote history

She is convinced that it's airborne unfortunately. Otherwise she would have him because it's only on his back and he doesn't touch it. I explained the dangers of it getting infected if he touches it with need to go to hospital, antibiotics etc so he is afraid to touch it and won't. Also it doesn't hurt or itch so he's not inclined to touch it.
And he washes his hands non stop due to heavy OCD.

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 20/12/2025 09:11

Christmas is still 5 days away. If all the blisters have dried up he could go then.
Could your husband go for a shorter time?

Original poster
arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 09:05

seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 22:09

One would certainly hope your hand hygiene is better than the average 15 year old boy.

Show quote history

He's got heavy OCD which involves excessive hand washing.

OP posts:
Original poster
arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 08:58

MrsDoomesPattersen · 19/12/2025 21:50

My dad was never the same after shingles when he was elderly so I’m with her

it obviously worries her

I don’t think he should socialise in group with shingles

sorry no I’m with MIL

Edited

The doctor didn't find any reason for him not to continue to go to school because he didn't have any symptoms except the rash on the back and the majority of secondary kids have had chicken pox. So he went to school with shingles because I can't keep him at home when he's in great shape and the doctor will not write a certificate for him not to attend. So it's not down to what one thinks- I fully trust his doctor when it comes to medical issues.

OP posts:
spongmac · 20/12/2025 08:29

CombatBarbie · 20/12/2025 08:05

Why should the son be ostracised, its not a Easter sunday lunch, its Christmas Day. They should all stay home.

Show quote history

Ostracised?

OMFG.

This threat is hysterical, more so than the MIL.

The host is anxious even if irrationally so. Respect her wishes, stay at home as a family and move on. This is ridiculous and you all sound a little immature, the whole family.

LIZS · 20/12/2025 08:28

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:25

No, her brother and her Sil. But she would be devastated.

Show quote history

That’s her choice though. When ds had it noone else did and he was able to attend school as it was on his back. Is she old enough to have had the jab?

LakieLady · 20/12/2025 08:28

NerrSnerr · 19/12/2025 20:46

of course your husband shouldn’t go. You should all stay at home together.

Absolutely.

MIL is being daft and ignoring the science.

WonderingWanda · 20/12/2025 08:24

I'm on team all stay home. Tell her you're worried that dh could be contagious too and it's better to be safe than sorry. It would be ridiculous to be devastated by missing one Christmas because family are all and then insisting your adult son split his family in half just to appease you.

Isthisit22 · 20/12/2025 08:12

Can’t believe your husband would go to his mummy’s house on Christmas and leave his poorly son at home.
Time to stand up to his mother and have a quiet Christmas at home. Make your own new traditions and show your son the true meaning of Christmas- love and family; not fancy dinners, etc