Page 3 | Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

arcticpandas · 2025-12-19T20:27:43+00:00

My 15 y old son has got the shingles. My Mil says he can't come to hers because she's afraid. I have told her it is not contagieus unless she licks his back (only on back) because she has already had chicken pox as has the rest of the family. She is convinced that it is contagieus even though I have sent her nhs links "oh, I don't care about the net" because she is adamant she got it from someone in her thirties and it was extremely painful. She does anecdotal evidence rather than scientific ex insists on antibiotics for viral infections so you can't reason with her. She's normally a lovely woman and a wonderful grandma but my son is so sad if he has to stay home for christmas (with me ofcourse). Personally I don't care but since christmas is important for him I'm frustrated with her stance on this. So DH and ds2 will go and ds1 will he heartbroken. To add: he's autistic and very immature, I doubt his brother would be as upset as him for ex. Am I unreasonable to think that Mil should follow scientific guidance rather than her own "experiences"? (And why didn't she get the vaccine when she went to have her covid and flu jab if she's so worried about it- they do all three and it's on a big sign in our pharmacy we both go to).

Yourcatisnotsorry · 20/12/2025 20:05

DH and your other child stay with you. No question.

Original poster

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 19:50

NoisyMonster678 · 20/12/2025 19:47

Your MIL is quite happy to split her family up and ruin her grand sons' xmas.

Xmas is about the season of good will to all but your MIL is exempt.

She's put you in an awful and very awkward situation there OP.

She's lovely really but very frightened. She's one of the most altruistic persons I know and it breaks her heart not having DS1 there. It really does.

OP posts:

Original poster

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 19:47

Buffs · 20/12/2025 19:22

You say ,Christmas is always at MIL’s house and your husband has to go. The majority of respondents have suggested having a family Christmas at home. You have explained the science to your MIL she is not accepting it.
You've posted for advice, why not accept it? Don’t split your family and upset your son, put your son first, you have the power to do that.

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I have tried to explain that DS1 is not bothered about his dad or brother staying at home. He's happier to be alone with me because I will give him 100% attention and do what he wants to do.

What he wants is go to Mils as per tradition. This is not happening so second best is being alone with me. I understand that it can be hard to get but he's autistic and believe me if he'd be happier with dad and brother staying at home then that's what they would do.

OP posts:

NoisyMonster678 · 20/12/2025 19:47

Your MIL is quite happy to split her family up and ruin her grand sons' xmas.

Xmas is about the season of good will to all but your MIL is exempt.

She's put you in an awful and very awkward situation there OP.

dementedpixie · 20/12/2025 19:34

angela1952 · 20/12/2025 19:32

You get shingles because you've had chicken pox and come into contact with it again.

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Coming in contact with shingles or chickenpox does not cause shingles to activate. Exposure to wild chickenpox is supposed to boost the immune system in someone who has had CP before and help prevent shingles

angela1952 · 20/12/2025 19:34

Lisa46 · 20/12/2025 18:52

Shining star2 - You can only get shingles if you have had chickenpox in the past - the virus lies dormant in your body and comes out as shingles when you are run down.

Yes, I had it when I had just had a baby and all four of my children had chicken pox. I had chicken pox as a child.

Zonder · 20/12/2025 19:33

Is there anyone who hasn't told @shiningstar2 you can only get shingles if you've had chicken pox yet? I'd hate the thread to fill up before everyone has had a turn 😂

angela1952 · 20/12/2025 19:32

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

You get shingles because you've had chicken pox and come into contact with it again.

Buffs · 20/12/2025 19:27

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:25

No, her brother and her Sil. But she would be devastated.

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So you choose between disappointing your MIL or your son. Your MIL is an adult, your son is a child. Put your child first have a family Christmas at home.

Buffs · 20/12/2025 19:22

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:12

Wow. Thank you all for posting. Will try to answer questions:

Christmas is always at Mil's- family tradition- she loves hosting and we usually bring drinks/desert/chocolate/cheese/salmon etc so it won't be too much work for her. We live 30 minutes away from her so dh and ds2 will not sleep there. Dh is her only son he has to go.

She loves my sons as much as I do and it will be painful for her not having them both at hers. If that wouldn't be the case I would have told dh to stay home. But she's really afraid- she had an awful experience with shingles for weeks with awful pain. She has never been like this when the children are sick with something else. When one had fever she still wanted him to come (I declined) so she's not normally like this.

What annoys me is that she doesn't get that it's not contagious- a doctor in our family even tried to explain it to her to no avail. I think we just have to accept it and I will make it up to ds1 (plenty of chocolate and video games allowed). It's just frustrating when people are stubborn and won't believe scientifical facts.

You say ,Christmas is always at MIL’s house and your husband has to go. The majority of respondents have suggested having a family Christmas at home. You have explained the science to your MIL she is not accepting it.
You've posted for advice, why not accept it? Don’t split your family and upset your son, put your son first, you have the power to do that.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/12/2025 19:08

RightOnTheEdge · 20/12/2025 14:48

But what about you OP? Don't you want to spend Christmas day with your other child and husband?

You don't want to criticise anyone but it's ridiculous that your hisband would ruin Christmas with his wife and children by being grumpy because he wants to be with his mummy.
And your MIL is not lovely for upsetting your son and excluding him from Christmas and emotionally blackmailing you all into splitting up your family on Christmas day to get everything her own way. She's incredibly selfish.

💯

Lisa46 · 20/12/2025 18:52

Shining star2 - You can only get shingles if you have had chickenpox in the past - the virus lies dormant in your body and comes out as shingles when you are run down.

Sickdissapointed · 20/12/2025 18:51

When we have chicken pox - normally as a child we all carry the virus. If we are run down sometimes ill with something else the virus can be activated and shingles appear. Shingles is only a risk to someone whose immunity is compromised -( chemo - organ transplantation) or has not had chicken pox. 99% of the population have acquired immunity.

Violinist64 · 20/12/2025 18:40

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

It's because you have had chickenpox that you can get shingles as it the same virus that lies dormant in your body and can be reactivated when you are under stress. If you haven't had chickenpox, you can't get shingles.

Dawnb19 · 20/12/2025 18:34

If she won't budge then why isn't the whole family staying? It's not fair on your son everyone else getting to go and not your son and yourself.

Iamgettingolderandgrumpier · 20/12/2025 18:06

ScaryM0nster · 19/12/2025 20:29

I think I’d be tempted to have a family Christmas at home if she’s not budging.

As a doctor has said that it’s not contagious and she still won’t budge, I’d have a family Christmas at home. Why should you miss out as well? Tell her that you’ll celebrate with her in January.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/12/2025 17:36

jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple · 20/12/2025 11:25

Well then in summary ..you have a husband problem, him being grumpy putting his mother first insteadof his wife and children. What a peach of a man he is. Good luck with that going forward OP. The man is an absolute pillock,he is a disgusting human being.

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Really? A disgusting human being? 🤦‍♀️😂

mrswhiplington · 20/12/2025 15:19

Could you do a face time call with everyone on Christmas day so that your son and MIL see each other and have a chat?

StopThePigeonNow · 20/12/2025 15:12

TheMimsy · 20/12/2025 14:49

Ohhh I never thought to to push to be seen by them. It’s taken me 8 years to get them to push it further and be seen by immunology. No answers. Just told to take the meds daily and they couldn’t answer about possible health ramifications of long term use.

I currently have facial neuralgia which is driving me mad.

I know mine was triggered by extreme stress and continues to flare up when I’m stressed or run down etc.

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I’ve tried getting the vaccine privately but it’s unlicensed if you’re under 50. I keep getting them on my face. I’ve just had them above my eyebrow and they were giving me an awful headache and I could barely open the eye below on some days. The time before was my chin and that was a different burning pain and at times it felt like I could feel the pain coming up my spine and a new blister would appear where it ended. I finally got to see a doctor and she was lovely and incredibly helpful and arranged lots of tests for me and as they couldn’t find a reason, I got passed on to the hospital. I’ve had them on my chin a few times, my back, my stomach, top of my thigh and the back of my neck.

A few of my family get them recurring from a young age so it could possibly be a genetic quirk. I’m also wondering if it could be linked to covid. I’m constantly ill as I’m run down and picking up other bugs which my body is then struggling to fight. I’m sick of it. When you next get them ask the doctor if you can do a swab of the fluid and see if they’ll investigate why you’re getting them. My doctor took me very seriously as I was starting to think I was going daft. I hope you manage to sort something. My doctor said I was too young to be living with this sort of pain without there being a reason for it.

TheMimsy · 20/12/2025 14:49

StopThePigeonNow · 20/12/2025 09:23

I’m another one that gets shingles very frequently. I’m now under the infectious disease unit as they’re trying to find out why I’m getting them as there’s no underlying reason. It’s flipping shit feeling so awful all the time and then you think you’re better and try to get back to normality and they come back again. 💐

I think DH and other DC should just go and visit for an hour or 2 but you should have the rest of Christmas Day as a family.

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Ohhh I never thought to to push to be seen by them. It’s taken me 8 years to get them to push it further and be seen by immunology. No answers. Just told to take the meds daily and they couldn’t answer about possible health ramifications of long term use.

I currently have facial neuralgia which is driving me mad.

I know mine was triggered by extreme stress and continues to flare up when I’m stressed or run down etc.

RightOnTheEdge · 20/12/2025 14:48

But what about you OP? Don't you want to spend Christmas day with your other child and husband?

You don't want to criticise anyone but it's ridiculous that your hisband would ruin Christmas with his wife and children by being grumpy because he wants to be with his mummy.
And your MIL is not lovely for upsetting your son and excluding him from Christmas and emotionally blackmailing you all into splitting up your family on Christmas day to get everything her own way. She's incredibly selfish.

CombatBarbie · 20/12/2025 14:30

So are we talking 2hrs between breakfast and dinner or we talking about 12 til 4 with the dinner at MILs? There's a difference.

Cherrytree86 · 20/12/2025 14:27

CombatBarbie · 20/12/2025 14:19

Its not ageism at all. She would rather split a family up for xmas to appease herself. If she was going to be alone, id be more understanding but she has other guests for xmas day.

The shingles child has autism, chamge from the norm is not going to be fun. He may well be saying its ok now, come the day I think it will be a different story.

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@arcticpandas

op’s husband can go visit his mum for a couple of hours at some point on Christmas. It’s a long day. A couple of hours out to spend time with other family is no big deal

CombatBarbie · 20/12/2025 14:19

Cherrytree86 · 20/12/2025 11:35

There’s some horrible comments on here about OP’ mother in law - really shows the hidden ageism and internalised misogyny that lurks just below the surface of so many people 😢

Its not ageism at all. She would rather split a family up for xmas to appease herself. If she was going to be alone, id be more understanding but she has other guests for xmas day.

The shingles child has autism, chamge from the norm is not going to be fun. He may well be saying its ok now, come the day I think it will be a different story.

CheekyNavyDeer · 20/12/2025 13:29

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 09:39

I think some posters didn't see what I wrote in an earlier post:

DS1 wants to have christmas at GMs because that is what christmas is about for him. If it would make him happy to have his dad and ds2 at home then they would stay at home. He really does not care if they stay or go as long as I stay with him. He's not very social at his best- and just want things as they are "supposed to be". If I asked him if he wants dad and ds2 to stay at home he will say that it doesn't matter because it's not christmas anyway. I honestly think that he will be happier with just me rather than his grumpy father (oh yeah he'd be grumpy for himself and for his mum even though he would stay home if I told him to) and his brother who he keep having conflicts with.

I KNOW that he would be happy having a good meal with me, opening gifts, eating chocolate while I agree to watch silly you tube videos of people farting in public (torture- but for christmas I will do it for him). And letting him play video games which He's not allowed to in the evening. So he will be sad at first but he will get over it.

As for Mil she's heartbroken the poor woman. She is a gentle and kind soul and it hurts her the most not to have my son. She really loves him, especially because he's vulnerable. She even watch fart prank videos with him and laughs and she's quite a distinguished person so this shows the efforts she's willing to do in order to connect with him.

He called her yesterday and asked her if dhe was really afraid or if it was that she didn't want him there because she didn't love him. She reassured him ofcourse. I had her on the phone this morning and she was crying- poor woman. I really can't hold this against her. She's convinced that she got contaminated with the shingles from a friend so no matter what the science may say it won't change anything. It's like she's got some ptsd response to those weeks she was in awful pain. I have reassured her and told her that she will make it up to DS1 afterwards having just him over for a lovely day and spoil him rotten with his favourite foods and videos etc and she calmed down a bit.

I feel bad for moaning about her- even if it's only here and thank god she doesn't know of MN😅. This is really just a case of being understanding of another person's perceived level of threat which no scientific arguments can fight against.

I did tell her to get vaccinated asap which she will do on Monday.

Thank you all for your comments and have a lovely christmas! 🩷

So sorry for your dilemma OP. But as some have said, if he has already started the anti virals, there is another 5 days until Christmas, it could have all dried up by then? The meds usually start to work almost straight away, and hes young. I hope it all works out for you. X