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Original poster

Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

314 replies

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 20:27

My 15 y old son has got the shingles. My Mil says he can't come to hers because she's afraid. I have told her it is not contagieus unless she licks his back (only on back) because she has already had chicken pox as has the rest of the family.

She is convinced that it is contagieus even though I have sent her nhs links "oh, I don't care about the net" because she is adamant she got it from someone in her thirties and it was extremely painful. She does anecdotal evidence rather than scientific ex insists on antibiotics for viral infections so you can't reason with her. She's normally a lovely woman and a wonderful grandma but my son is so sad if he has to stay home for christmas (with me ofcourse). Personally I don't care but since christmas is important for him I'm frustrated with her stance on this. So DH and ds2 will go and ds1 will he heartbroken. To add: he's autistic and very immature, I doubt his brother would be as upset as him for ex.

Am I unreasonable to think that Mil should follow scientific guidance rather than her own "experiences"?

(And why didn't she get the vaccine when she went to have her covid and flu jab if she's so worried about it- they do all three and it's on a big sign in our pharmacy we both go to).

OP posts:
MMAS · 21/12/2025 10:14

That's good news. The shingles vaccination comes in two doses, usually the second is 8 weeks after the first one.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 21/12/2025 09:56

@arcticpandas, if your MIL is incorrectly convinced it's airborne, isn't she worried about it incubating on your DH and other DC and that they might bring it with them regardless of having symptoms yet?

Frankly, I'd be using that as an excuse for you all to stay at home for the sake of your poor DS1. Tell your MIL that DH will pop round for an hour in a Hazmat suit.

dementedpixie · 21/12/2025 09:44

Evan456 · 21/12/2025 07:47

That’s not true! You are more likely to get it if you had chicken pox because the virus is in your body

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What are you saying isn't true?

Maddy70 · 21/12/2025 09:44

All stay at home and have a nice family Christmas. She can join you if she decides to just come for an hour ....

dementedpixie · 21/12/2025 09:42

Evan456 · 21/12/2025 08:20

Some of my friends who had chicken pox as a child have had really bad shingles as an adult, I don’t know about your experience but am surprised you have never seen this happen

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But you can only have shingles if you had chickenpox. If you havent had chickenpox you wont develop shingles. The prerequisite for shingles is having chickenpox in the past

Evan456 · 21/12/2025 08:20

Redty10 · 21/12/2025 08:16

Can you show me some evidence of this? After working as an ANP in General Practice for 35 years I have never read or heard anything to back this up!
many people may have had such mild chickenpox that it wasn’t obvious but they still contracted the virus

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Some of my friends who had chicken pox as a child have had really bad shingles as an adult, I don’t know about your experience but am surprised you have never seen this happen

Redty10 · 21/12/2025 08:16

Evan456 · 21/12/2025 07:47

That’s not true! You are more likely to get it if you had chicken pox because the virus is in your body

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Can you show me some evidence of this? After working as an ANP in General Practice for 35 years I have never read or heard anything to back this up!
many people may have had such mild chickenpox that it wasn’t obvious but they still contracted the virus

Evan456 · 21/12/2025 07:47

Redty10 · 20/12/2025 22:21

You can only get shingles if you have had chickenpox as it is reactivation of the chicken pox virus. It is only contagious to people who have never had chickenpox and if affected they would develop chickenpox not shingles.
Agree the whole family should be united at her unreasonable behaviour and stay home

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That’s not true! You are more likely to get it if you had chicken pox because the virus is in your body

Abab11 · 21/12/2025 05:08

You should all stay home at Christmas, I wouldn’t split my family! She has a choice, welcome you all or none of you!

Redty10 · 20/12/2025 22:21

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

You can only get shingles if you have had chickenpox as it is reactivation of the chicken pox virus. It is only contagious to people who have never had chickenpox and if affected they would develop chickenpox not shingles.
Agree the whole family should be united at her unreasonable behaviour and stay home

angela1952 · 20/12/2025 22:18

Zonder · 20/12/2025 21:29

Some people don't believe on coincidence! Or that having four children with chicken pox might run you down a bit so you are more likely to get shingles...

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Neither did my GP.

SpaceRaccoon · 20/12/2025 21:42

Isinglass20 · 20/12/2025 21:29

Excuse me but I’d had chicken pox as a child, and shingles vax about 20 years ago - and still got shingles 4 years ago.

That's your own immune system reactivating it though.

Isthisit22 · 20/12/2025 21:30

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 19:47

I have tried to explain that DS1 is not bothered about his dad or brother staying at home. He's happier to be alone with me because I will give him 100% attention and do what he wants to do.

What he wants is go to Mils as per tradition. This is not happening so second best is being alone with me. I understand that it can be hard to get but he's autistic and believe me if he'd be happier with dad and brother staying at home then that's what they would do.

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This is what he thinks now but in reality watching his dad and brother go off to the traditional Christmas will be much harder than them staying home.
Please try to prep him and excite him about the new things happening. Remember your MIL won’t be around for ever- new traditions can and ultimately must be formed. Why not try now.

Isinglass20 · 20/12/2025 21:29

Excuse me but I’d had chicken pox as a child, and shingles vax about 20 years ago - and still got shingles 4 years ago.

Zonder · 20/12/2025 21:29

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 20/12/2025 20:27

A coincidence

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Some people don't believe on coincidence! Or that having four children with chicken pox might run you down a bit so you are more likely to get shingles...

Orwellwasright2020 · 20/12/2025 21:07

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 07:28

Who said I moaned to her? That's what I use MN for. I calmly tried to explain how contagion works and then said OK I'll stay at home with DS1 when I realised it was mission impossible to get through to her.

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So, your husband and your family will all stay home and have a nice Christmas together then presumably.

Sounds sensible since your son could indeed give people chickenpox and your husband could indeed infect them too.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 21:03

MMAS · 20/12/2025 20:08

It would be helpful to know your MIL's age. I ask, because the shingles vaccine is only given to people over a certain age. To get it, you have to be classed as vulnerable i.e. have existing conditions like heart, cancer - the umbrella for this can vary but for example I have Essential Thrombocythemia and have had two heart stents. Aged 64 and, was only allowed the singles vaccine (at 62 - not allowed normally) because of these conditions. Your MIL is not being difficult - you need to understand that the fact she has had it once already means she is highly likely to get infected again. The older you are the worse it is. It is not only extremely unpleasant the older you are and, there is a reason they say no-one with it should be around babies and older people which should at least give you an indication of how dangerous a virus it can be. You need to plan to have a family Christmas at home this year with your in-laws. I would also be checking with your Doctor how vulnerable your Son now is to having it again given he is autistic. Also, assume you know not to share towels etc with other family members to keep them safe albeit that isn't guaranteed.

She's 85. Got vaccinated today but it takes 7 days to work she was told.

Sharing towels- no way. I find that grim and my autistic son who is suffering from OCD would never do that. He's taking cleanliness and hygiene to another level even by MN standards..

OP posts:
Retrogamer · 20/12/2025 21:01

I can't really add to the conversation since its been repeated multiple times. I just hope you and DS are able to make a good Christmas together, and I hope he is over the worst of shingles and feels better soon.

Mere1 · 20/12/2025 20:49

KimuraTan · 19/12/2025 20:33

Your Mil is entitled to feel as she does - shingles is awful. You should respect her wishes. Let your husband visit his Mum and stay at home if you can.

This is ridiculous. Shingles is not transferable.

Tulipsriver · 20/12/2025 20:37

I can't get over your DH and other son still going to your MIL's.

Maybe popping in for a couple of hours if she was going to be completely alone, but that's not the case. Why are her feelings more important than yours or your son's? (I'm assuming you'd like to spend Xmas day with both your children and your husband?).

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 20/12/2025 20:27

angela1952 · 20/12/2025 20:20

I simply don't believe this. My four children had it and then I got shingles.

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A coincidence

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 20/12/2025 20:26

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

You can only get shingles if you have already had chickenpox. The chickenpox virus remains in your body, and can re-emerge as shingles years later.

A person can get chickenpox from contact with someone with active shingles, but not the other way round.

angela1952 · 20/12/2025 20:20

dementedpixie · 20/12/2025 19:34

Coming in contact with shingles or chickenpox does not cause shingles to activate. Exposure to wild chickenpox is supposed to boost the immune system in someone who has had CP before and help prevent shingles

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I simply don't believe this. My four children had it and then I got shingles.

LAMPS1 · 20/12/2025 20:11

arcticpandas · 20/12/2025 19:50

She's lovely really but very frightened. She's one of the most altruistic persons I know and it breaks her heart not having DS1 there. It really does.

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It seems you have your answer then OP.
You split up for part of the day at least, and everybody is happy.
I’m sure your lovely MIL will be very understanding about the reduced time but enjoy the company for a couple of hours anyway. Hopefully, she will send treats back home for you and your son.

MMAS · 20/12/2025 20:08

It would be helpful to know your MIL's age. I ask, because the shingles vaccine is only given to people over a certain age. To get it, you have to be classed as vulnerable i.e. have existing conditions like heart, cancer - the umbrella for this can vary but for example I have Essential Thrombocythemia and have had two heart stents. Aged 64 and, was only allowed the singles vaccine (at 62 - not allowed normally) because of these conditions. Your MIL is not being difficult - you need to understand that the fact she has had it once already means she is highly likely to get infected again. The older you are the worse it is. It is not only extremely unpleasant the older you are and, there is a reason they say no-one with it should be around babies and older people which should at least give you an indication of how dangerous a virus it can be. You need to plan to have a family Christmas at home this year with your in-laws. I would also be checking with your Doctor how vulnerable your Son now is to having it again given he is autistic. Also, assume you know not to share towels etc with other family members to keep them safe albeit that isn't guaranteed.