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Original poster

Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

314 replies

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 20:27

My 15 y old son has got the shingles. My Mil says he can't come to hers because she's afraid. I have told her it is not contagieus unless she licks his back (only on back) because she has already had chicken pox as has the rest of the family.

She is convinced that it is contagieus even though I have sent her nhs links "oh, I don't care about the net" because she is adamant she got it from someone in her thirties and it was extremely painful. She does anecdotal evidence rather than scientific ex insists on antibiotics for viral infections so you can't reason with her. She's normally a lovely woman and a wonderful grandma but my son is so sad if he has to stay home for christmas (with me ofcourse). Personally I don't care but since christmas is important for him I'm frustrated with her stance on this. So DH and ds2 will go and ds1 will he heartbroken. To add: he's autistic and very immature, I doubt his brother would be as upset as him for ex.

Am I unreasonable to think that Mil should follow scientific guidance rather than her own "experiences"?

(And why didn't she get the vaccine when she went to have her covid and flu jab if she's so worried about it- they do all three and it's on a big sign in our pharmacy we both go to).

OP posts:
Letsgocamping67 · 19/12/2025 21:28

So you are letting your DS be devastated to spare your MIL being devastated. Who is being ridiculous. Make it make sense. Spineless DH needs to step up and stay home with you all.

Jk987 · 19/12/2025 21:28

What do you mean by ex. ?

Original poster
arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:27

LuubyLuu · 19/12/2025 21:25

But I don't understand how your MIL would trump your son in relation to where your DH should spend Christmas?

Couldn't your DH just pop over for an hour or something if she doesn't live far?

Well, she's old and we normally have christmas at hers. DH would def want to go and ds2 as well. I don't care to be honest, I just don't want ds1 to feel left out.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 19/12/2025 21:25

Christmaseree · 19/12/2025 21:24

I thought you could only get shingles if you have had chickenpox.

Show quote history

You are correct
If you havent had chickenpox you wont get shingles

Iloveacurry · 19/12/2025 21:25

I'm sorry but I still think they should stay at home with you. What about you spending Christmas with your family?

Original poster
arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:25

Iloveacurry · 19/12/2025 21:22

If your DH and DS2 don’t go to MIL’s, would she be by herself?

No, her brother and her Sil. But she would be devastated.

OP posts:
VictoriaEra · 19/12/2025 21:25

Pleasegodgotosleep · 19/12/2025 20:30

Why woukd you dh split up his family to suit his mum????? He should be staying with you and ds! Bet if that was happening she'd change her mind.

Yes. This.

LuubyLuu · 19/12/2025 21:25

But I don't understand how your MIL would trump your son in relation to where your DH should spend Christmas?

Couldn't your DH just pop over for an hour or something if she doesn't live far?

Snugglemonkey · 19/12/2025 21:24

Yabu for agreeing to split the family. All or none. Her choice.

Christmaseree · 19/12/2025 21:24

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

I thought you could only get shingles if you have had chickenpox.

Iloveacurry · 19/12/2025 21:22

If your DH and DS2 don’t go to MIL’s, would she be by herself?

Original poster
arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:22

Christmaseree · 19/12/2025 21:20

Has she had chicken pox?

Yes! That's why she had the shingles in her thirties. You can't get shingles if you haven't had chicken pox.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 19/12/2025 21:22

Well she's daft and by her logic no one from your family should be going since they may be contagious 🙄 and pass it on to her.

15yr old doesn't go then no one does, don't reward willfull ignorance.

ThatNaiceMember · 19/12/2025 21:21

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

This.

Your DH should stay home too though!

Original poster
arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:21

TheMimsy · 19/12/2025 21:15

@arcticpandas massive squishes to you and your son. Shingles is awful. I have a weakened immune system and get it monthly often more than one case triggered by stress, heavy period, illness, run down.. moon phases… it seems constant.

It’s on my ample behind and lower back and in the 13 years I’ve had it no one has licked me or caught it. I am tempted to rub my bum on door handles of people that annoy me though.

I am another one voting for you all staying at home. It’s either a whole family unit that attends or none of you.

I am tempted to rub my bum on door handles of people that annoy me

🤣🤣🤣 I am not going to tell him this or he will surely do that next time his brother tell him to away..

So sorry for your pain though- it must be awful. You might not want to tell people because others might be like Mil and you'd be ostracisted.

OP posts:
Christmaseree · 19/12/2025 21:20

Has she had chicken pox?

Owly11 · 19/12/2025 21:18

She is perfectly entitled to say no but i think that means the four of you stay home. You can't split up the family over xmas.

TheatricalLife · 19/12/2025 21:16

Health anxiety can be totally nonsensical unfortunately. It's not stubbornness, it's fear.
If I was your DH, I would split the day in half and make sure that he was home with you two for the morning or evening. I'm sure your MIL would understand that.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:16

Pinkissmart · 19/12/2025 21:10

You’re unreasonable to take your son anywhere with elderly people if he has shingles. You should all stay home.

Ive had shingles a few times and was told, by my dr, to avoid children and the elderly

If you only have blisters on the back and the child is old enough to not touch his back (weirdly he says it doesn't itch nor does it hurt) and everyone has had chicken pox it's impossible to spread it.

The Dr in our family said not to worry unless she was going to lick his back🤢🤣

OP posts:
IsThisTheWaytoSlamMyPillow · 19/12/2025 21:16

By her reasoning, if it’s contagious surely your other DS and DH will also have to stay home because they might be carriers.

TBH I think they should stay home anyway - she’s being difficult and disruptive. Your DH should put his son first (and you of course, but definitely his son) and stay at home with your other DS and the 4 of you have a family day. I know it’s short notice but all the shops still have what’s needed food-wise, and are open again on Boxing Day.

TheMimsy · 19/12/2025 21:15

@arcticpandas massive squishes to you and your son. Shingles is awful. I have a weakened immune system and get it monthly often more than one case triggered by stress, heavy period, illness, run down.. moon phases… it seems constant.

It’s on my ample behind and lower back and in the 13 years I’ve had it no one has licked me or caught it. I am tempted to rub my bum on door handles of people that annoy me though.

I am another one voting for you all staying at home. It’s either a whole family unit that attends or none of you.

Londonrach1 · 19/12/2025 21:14

Ive had chicken pox and two lots of shingles so chicken pox doesn't not stop you getting shingles. Shingles is awful and and your poor son must feel very ill. Please let him rest and do what he wants. All stay at home and let your son rest and recover.

LatteLady · 19/12/2025 21:13

Well by her logic, any of you could be carrying it over to her... so don't go.

So sad that mere scientific facts have got in the way of her understanding and she will end up having a rather lonely Christmas.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:12

Wow. Thank you all for posting. Will try to answer questions:

Christmas is always at Mil's- family tradition- she loves hosting and we usually bring drinks/desert/chocolate/cheese/salmon etc so it won't be too much work for her. We live 30 minutes away from her so dh and ds2 will not sleep there. Dh is her only son he has to go.

She loves my sons as much as I do and it will be painful for her not having them both at hers. If that wouldn't be the case I would have told dh to stay home. But she's really afraid- she had an awful experience with shingles for weeks with awful pain. She has never been like this when the children are sick with something else. When one had fever she still wanted him to come (I declined) so she's not normally like this.

What annoys me is that she doesn't get that it's not contagious- a doctor in our family even tried to explain it to her to no avail. I think we just have to accept it and I will make it up to ds1 (plenty of chocolate and video games allowed). It's just frustrating when people are stubborn and won't believe scientifical facts.

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 19/12/2025 21:10

You’re unreasonable to take your son anywhere with elderly people if he has shingles. You should all stay home.

Ive had shingles a few times and was told, by my dr, to avoid children and the elderly

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