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Shingles bell for xmas and Mil

314 replies

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 20:27

My 15 y old son has got the shingles. My Mil says he can't come to hers because she's afraid. I have told her it is not contagieus unless she licks his back (only on back) because she has already had chicken pox as has the rest of the family.

She is convinced that it is contagieus even though I have sent her nhs links "oh, I don't care about the net" because she is adamant she got it from someone in her thirties and it was extremely painful. She does anecdotal evidence rather than scientific ex insists on antibiotics for viral infections so you can't reason with her. She's normally a lovely woman and a wonderful grandma but my son is so sad if he has to stay home for christmas (with me ofcourse). Personally I don't care but since christmas is important for him I'm frustrated with her stance on this. So DH and ds2 will go and ds1 will he heartbroken. To add: he's autistic and very immature, I doubt his brother would be as upset as him for ex.

Am I unreasonable to think that Mil should follow scientific guidance rather than her own "experiences"?

(And why didn't she get the vaccine when she went to have her covid and flu jab if she's so worried about it- they do all three and it's on a big sign in our pharmacy we both go to).

OP posts:
godmum56 · 19/12/2025 21:40

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:33

I am not minimising. My son has got the shingles- he had chicken pox 12 years ago at 3. Everyone in the family has had chicken pox so he is not contagious for anyone unlesq they lick his back.

I would like to point out that shingles doesn't always start out painful. I have just had it and for the first around 5 days, I felt slightly "off" but was doing normal stuff and totally unaware that I had shingles. because I live alone and couldn't see any rash, I didn't even know to look for one. Once the pain did kick in it was pretty horrible, had to live in my PJ's for days as I couldn't bear day clothes touching my skin. My point is that while your boy might feel fine now, by christmas it might be different and he might not feel well enough to go. None of this changes my view that your Mil is an ass.

seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 21:39

Mistletoeiggi · 19/12/2025 21:37

People have the flu. That's not minimising

Shingles is generally referred to as shingles. Not "the shingles".

As well as this odd nomenclature, OP is all laugh emojis and only catch it if she licks his back. This is not true.

dementedpixie · 19/12/2025 21:39

seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 21:38

Shingles are infectious until all the blisters have crusted. You can catch chickenpox from shingles, and in an older person, whose immunity has waned this would be very unpleasant.

It only spreads with contact with fluid from the blisters. Its not airborne like chickenpox would be

Buttercupmoon · 19/12/2025 21:38

My neighbour was in the intensive care unit with shingles related complications. Shingles is no joke for some people. I would respect her wishes and have a quiet Christmas at home with your son

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 19/12/2025 21:38

SimplyBudgie · 19/12/2025 21:34

Dh is her only son he has to go

Does he bollocks.

At Christmas, our family unit is together - that's me, dh and all the dc. The thought of me staying home with a sick dc and dh still going out for Xmas lunch with another dc is just totally alien - that jyst wouldn't even be on our radar.

If dh suggested it i'd be considering our future. If MIL suggested it she'd be told absofuckinglutely not.

This! Why is dh being her son, more important than ds being his son?

SimplyBudgie · 19/12/2025 21:38

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:33

I am not minimising. My son has got the shingles- he had chicken pox 12 years ago at 3. Everyone in the family has had chicken pox so he is not contagious for anyone unlesq they lick his back.

Why do you keep mentioning licking backs? What has that got to do with anything?

seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 21:38

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:33

I am not minimising. My son has got the shingles- he had chicken pox 12 years ago at 3. Everyone in the family has had chicken pox so he is not contagious for anyone unlesq they lick his back.

Shingles are infectious until all the blisters have crusted. You can catch chickenpox from shingles, and in an older person, whose immunity has waned this would be very unpleasant.

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/12/2025 21:37

Well she's not going to catch shingles from your son but it can be a horribly painful illness so I understand her fear of getting it again. Can you encourage her to look at the NHS guidance on shingles vaccine - everybody turning 65 is offered it and people between 70 and 79.

QuickPeachPoet · 19/12/2025 21:37

What grandmother would turn her own grandson away at Christmas. What utterly vile behaviour. And how vile of your DH and other children for considering going. Either you all go or none of you go.

As an aside - why did you tell her? Knowing what she can be like? I'd have just turned up.

Mistletoeiggi · 19/12/2025 21:37

seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 21:30

You seem to be keen to minimise a very painful experience for older people by referring to it as "the shingles".

Does you son have chickenpox, or shingles?

People have the flu. That's not minimising

Christmaseree · 19/12/2025 21:36

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:33

I am not minimising. My son has got the shingles- he had chicken pox 12 years ago at 3. Everyone in the family has had chicken pox so he is not contagious for anyone unlesq they lick his back.

I had it in the summer, I didn’t know much about it before. It was the most painful thing I’ve experienced in my life especially for five days before a very small amount of blisters appeared. So even though I know I could only get it from someone else by actually touching their blisters I would still feel like your MIL does.
She isn’t the problem your DH choosing to go there is.

SimplyBudgie · 19/12/2025 21:34

Dh is her only son he has to go

Does he bollocks.

At Christmas, our family unit is together - that's me, dh and all the dc. The thought of me staying home with a sick dc and dh still going out for Xmas lunch with another dc is just totally alien - that jyst wouldn't even be on our radar.

If dh suggested it i'd be considering our future. If MIL suggested it she'd be told absofuckinglutely not.

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:33

seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 21:30

You seem to be keen to minimise a very painful experience for older people by referring to it as "the shingles".

Does you son have chickenpox, or shingles?

I am not minimising. My son has got the shingles- he had chicken pox 12 years ago at 3. Everyone in the family has had chicken pox so he is not contagious for anyone unlesq they lick his back.

OP posts:
FastFood · 19/12/2025 21:33

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

Of course you can, it is the condition to get shingles in the first place, since shingles is the result of a reactivation of the chicken pox virus, but its not transmissible as such.

You could get chicken pox from someone with shingles, if you were never exposed to the varicella virus, but not shingles from shingles, it is not a contagious condition.

TheatricalLife · 19/12/2025 21:31

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:27

Well, she's old and we normally have christmas at hers. DH would def want to go and ds2 as well. I don't care to be honest, I just don't want ds1 to feel left out.

Why don't you get something really special just for the two of you? Something that nobody else will do apart from the you two at home? A really special meal, a new board game or film, anything he really enjoys that you don't normally do? Even a sneaky extra gift he opens when everyone is out.

BettysRoasties · 19/12/2025 21:31

It’s a loyalty thing. Soz your sick bro/son but we are still going rather than spending time with you.

nah

Lamentingalways · 19/12/2025 21:31

SoLongLuminosity · 19/12/2025 21:29

Bonkers that you and DH would rather DS be devastated than MIL but there you go, that's just my opinion.

Agree completely.

godmum56 · 19/12/2025 21:31

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:25

No, her brother and her Sil. But she would be devastated.

well that's a consequence of being wrong. Its her choice but choices have consequences. I am unimpressed by your husband though.

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:30

Letsgocamping67 · 19/12/2025 21:28

So you are letting your DS be devastated to spare your MIL being devastated. Who is being ridiculous. Make it make sense. Spineless DH needs to step up and stay home with you all.

Oh, Ds1 is devastated about not going to Mils. He loves having christmas there as per tradition. It wouldn't make a difference if his dad and brother stayed home. That's why I'm ok with them going. I will find ways to make it up to him though.

OP posts:
Lamentingalways · 19/12/2025 21:30

Another vote for all staying at home. Does she have other guests?

seafoamhair · 19/12/2025 21:30

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:16

If you only have blisters on the back and the child is old enough to not touch his back (weirdly he says it doesn't itch nor does it hurt) and everyone has had chicken pox it's impossible to spread it.

The Dr in our family said not to worry unless she was going to lick his back🤢🤣

You seem to be keen to minimise a very painful experience for older people by referring to it as "the shingles".

Does you son have chickenpox, or shingles?

BettysRoasties · 19/12/2025 21:30

Surely your dh and other ds are possible carriers.

Sorry but I wouldn’t be splitting up my family. It would also take a cruel person to split up a family due to one child being sick.

I hate the if you loved me but seriously. If she loved the boys as much as you say she wouldn’t want to make one feel forced out while pulling the other away. She wouldn’t be adult enough to say no no you guys stay home together and we will do a big meet up once his better.

Id judge dh hugely for going as well.

godmum56 · 19/12/2025 21:29

shiningstar2 · 19/12/2025 20:37

You can get shingles even if you've had chicken pox. I have had the shingles jab to protect me, even though I had chicken pox as a child. I know olde people who have had shingles even though they have had chicken pox and it is extremely painful.

but you get shingles from the chicken pox virus from when YOU had chicken pox and which has been sitting in a nerve root awaiting its chance.
I think a) Mil is factually wrong. b) Mil is entitled to be wrong. c) the answer is to all stay home for christmas.

SoLongLuminosity · 19/12/2025 21:29

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:25

No, her brother and her Sil. But she would be devastated.

Bonkers that you and DH would rather DS be devastated than MIL but there you go, that's just my opinion.

arcticpandas · 19/12/2025 21:28

Iloveacurry · 19/12/2025 21:25

I'm sorry but I still think they should stay at home with you. What about you spending Christmas with your family?

My mum is dead and the rest of my family live in another country so we only got dh's family here.

OP posts: