To be disappointed in partners Christmas presents ?

@lulu55xxxwhat did you get in the end?

Please tell me you aren't planning on having kids with this man?? He sounds useless - you don't need to step in and buy gits for his family though - unless you actually want to! You aren't his mum. It's his family and he should be sorting out gifts and cards for them.

I don’t think you should be criticised for your approach of budget/lists. Each to their own, which will normally be dictated by individual circumstances.

We don’t have a budget, but I send my DH ideas and he picks and chooses what he wants to buy me and sometimes add things he might have also heard me mention for me.

I am one of those people who loves buying gifts and tries to be really thoughtful about things so don’t usually need ‘ideas’ (accepting I may get it wrong, but nobody’s complained yet 🤣).

For me this is about effort and energy. If he’s not putting in the effort to think for himself and/or being thoughtful enough to at least get what you ask for when you’ve saved him the trouble of thinking for himself then he sees you as worth minimal effort and, as such, needs throwing back IMHO!

He may well be about to surprise you, you won’t know until Xmas day, I hope for his sake he is, if not he’s just made it all the more disappointing.

What is the point of you both writing a list with a set budget? You can just get that stuff yourself?! Just agree on say 3 mystery gifts next time with a much smaller combined cost, maybe with suggestions like ‘an edible item please’?

During the year, like you, if we need something we just buy it, but for Christmas I'll buy myself things that I want as opposed to need. I will buy a luxury box of chocolates, maybe a massage voucher, a more expensive perfume than my every day one, a piece of jewellery ... yes, we spend the same amount of money, although receipts aren't checked 😂. We wrap them up and open them with the family, we wouldn't bother, but we only do that to please everyone else who usually sneer at our arrangement, but more often than not look gutted when they open their own presents, with a look of "aw thanks, just what I wanted (not)!! 😜

Why do you bother with gifts at all? I agree with your sentiment but dh and I just buy whatever we need whenever we need it. Are you both spending the same amount of money? Buying your own gifts and wrapping them up too? It all seems a bit pointless. My friend did this for years too, I never understood why. This year she finally does not see the point.

I'm very specific about what I want and don't want. I can't see the point of buying people presents that they haven't asked for or surprising them with things that turn out to be a disappointment. Agree on an amount to spend and buy your own presents, that way you get exactly what you want, your choice of fragrance, correct fit of clothes/shoes, tried and tested face creams/make up etc. There's no need for returns after Christmas or the disappointment of not getting something you really want. We've done this for years and it works for us 😜

Nope. Take all his presents back and spend the budget on your own list. Tell him do the same - I bet he magically finds the cash for himself.
Stop enabling this behaviour!

Why are you still with this man? He's lazy, selfish and thick. I swear to god I wouldn't stick with a man like that for six months, let alone six years.

So, to be fair, you've 'created this monater' & enabled his utterly lame behaviour. Why?? If you keep letting him get away with it, then the useless twat will keep being useless. Ugh. I'd have no respect for him & major 'ick'. What a man-child.

@lulu55xxx

I'd be furious - especially after last year & you specifically agreeing on this year's approach - he clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings. I wouldn't be able to let that go. I'd have to have it out with him. I'd tell him that you're sending all of his gifts back & just buying him a random pile of crap instead, as clearly that's the new plan.

What a pointless thing to do. Lists where you have to buy the exact item. And then he can’t even manage that?? I’m usually all for gratitude when given presents but you had an arrangement with specific instructions.

Tell him to return it all now. Explain in no uncertain terms that you don’t want any old crap he’s purchased in a last minute. The agreement was the list and the fact he couldn’t purchase the stuff on the list in good time shows how little he values you. Tell him now, don’t ruin Christmas Day with it. The fact he thinks YOU need to compromise with what you get instead of him needing to make more effort to go to a bigger town or get online, is very telling.

This isn’t about presents it’s about him not prioritising you and your list

I would be really disappointed too. Only you can judge whether he genuinely struggles to sort presents out, or whether he’s just being stingy.
My partner finds these kinds of tasks very difficult because of his ADHD, so I give him a list and point him to the website or shop, and he’s happy with that arrangement. It works for both of us.
But if he’s not struggling and is simply unwilling to make any effort, that’s a different story.

Honestly, I would just ask for a voucher and then shop for myself.

if you know he’s like this, it seems almost madochistic to give him the task of buying your Christmas gifts. It’s almost like you’ve subconsciously set up the proof that you’re not worthy of better treatment.

You are @lulu55xxx most definitely deserving of care, consideration and lovely things.

There could be a valid reason for him being scatterbrained. There are no valid excuses for selfishness. And if, he makes more work for you in one area, it’s reasonable to reclaim leisure in another way. Unfortunately our brains have quiet ways of coping by adjusting our perception of reality, and if we don’t have help to think things through clearly, we can end up making martyrs of ourselves, and treating ourselves badly.

I’d stop giving him the power to disappoint and hurt you - next year, buy your own lovely gifts. Give him an envelope of cash (no cards if he’s likely to overspend) the week before Christmas to buy his own gift.

Nope OP. Your feelings are totally valid here. It’s not the presents it’s the effort, or rather the absolute lack of.

My DH and I are keeping Christmas small this year as we have our first baby due any day now. But for the first week of December parcels have been arriving and swept upstairs as well as a few bags from shops in town.

We do all our friends/family shopping together so I know whatever that stuff is - it’s for me.

The fact he had that audacity to provide you with a nice list of things he would like but didn’t bother to treat your list with any care or thought is really subpar.

Also he knows you, He’s your partner so you would think he could find something thoughtful for you even if your list was unavailable.

For DH he kept saying there’s nothing I want or need this year so I’ve made him a hamper of all the little boujee expensive bits he would never regularly buy himself but I know he loves. I’d honestly be asking myself does this man really know me at all x

Just remember this for his birthday and Christmas going forward. Get him a box of Maltesers or get him something you want. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Send his stuff back and buy him a few random things too. They use the remaining money to treat yourself to that nice perfume.

How strange this came up on my Facebook news feed after reading this thread.😂😂😂

https://youtube.com/shorts/GTZdpPLqpV8?si=lOI8TCyz3yvYKj9y

I went shopping one year in new look. I realised I had got quite a bit more for DS than DD. There was lots of lads with their girlfriends frantically looking through clothes.

My ex used to go to Tesco on Christmas eve and ring me to ask what to get them.

This.

He sounds very annoying, OP. I think being new year it is time to reflect on new year resolutions and make a call on all this going forward next year. If I were you the extra gift you bought would be popped back in the cupboard for his birthday. Why go overboard this Xmas.

As for the rest, just drop now. Just remind him a week into Mother’s Day, once, “Hey, just remember to sort your mum out.” That’s it. Step back. If his mum doesn’t get a card, then that’s on him.

As for outings, I would step back too. Tell him the next time, you are not going out at all unless he has organised it. If he says he doesn’t care (likely) then good, why be stuck sitting in a restaurant with someone like him.

Remember- you choose what you dont change.

What has this got to do with anything

All I know is that he wouldn't be getting anything off his list, either.

Open half the gifts and return them, buy what you want with the difference. Get him a lynx gift set