Too much pressure and ready to break. AIBU?

Does he always make it about him? He sounds potentially narcissistic to me

I read it that he feels that your neglecting him
( ie sex ) while he is doing all the extra work
around the house after working away all weeI month

However if he is working away and in hotels / serviced apartments then he doesn’t have to clean or rarely cook for himself so coming home and having to do this is probably pissing him off

tell him to stop acting like a big baby and man up

I wondered that too, has he just got the hump because you’re not in a place to be feeling up for it?

Do you think he just needs to hear that things will get better? Maybe a sit down and a chat tomorrow and just reiterate that.

Ultimately it's valid to feel like housemates when you've got so much on your plate. It won't always be like this.

It sounds as though you both have loads to carry. Like some have said it can be a rough patch in marriage.

My DH was in a lot of emotions for at least 2 months one day sad another kind of snappy and impatient. His mum had a serious medical episode but recovered (and now fully ok). He drove to see his mum at the start and after needed time to decompress. The only responsibility outside of his mum was to work (from home). His boss was understanding and he could do half days and attend appointments with his mum. I kept my mouth shut and made sure everything was running as it should especially our toddler DC.

Being on that side does take a little toll because I didn’t have support for how all this impacted me and I had to just continue on with full-time work, childcare drop offs and pick ups, housework, grocery shopping, looking after DC all other times. I knew though not to burden my DH with it on top of what he was dealing with he clearly had a huge emotional burden.

Maybe to start an uninterrupted conversation is the way to go where you both get to listen and talk about all this.

Best of luck hope your dad gets better, OP.

This is really unfair of him. You’re working, parenting and dealing with family hardship. What’s he doing? Working and occasionally doing housework? Sorry but that’s not fair at all. I could understand his perspective more if he was fully funding the household and you had your days spare to take care of the house and child, but you’re working too!

Im wondering if he’s had his head turned and is looking for a reason to duck out. More time abroad, causing arguments when you’re already on your knees, this close to Christmas, leaving you to drive around not communicating…

I don’t want to make you feel any worse, but I don’t think he’s being nice here and I do wonder if there’s more here from him.

Hang in there. This is a rough time but it will get better. Everything passes.

I think it would be worth acknowledging to him that it's a very difficult time for the family right now, and he is carrying some extra load to make space for your needs. You say that you appreciate him in your OP, but have you been telling him that?

It seems like he's asking to connect with you in this difficult time, and you are responding by telling him to leave. I totally get your feeling that he is adding an extra demand to you, but that's also not what he's trying to do. Maybe think about what you are able to offer. Not necessarily sex, but time together in some way.

Sorry to be blunt, but is he basically saying he wants sex? Reading between the lines, it sounds like that.

You are still quite young. Is this the first time during your married life that one of you has needed extra support to go through a tough time, like a sick parent? That's when you really, really see how strong your marriage is. It's not about an exact balance between give and take, it's about going through both good and bad times together and being there for each other as we get older and life happens. I think he's being selfish and self centred here and I hope he sees this soon. Take care.

@NeedyHiker why did you challenge your husband to “leave”, what did you think that would achieve?
You need to talk and find what he thinks he needs and whether it’s something you can do.
Right now it’s a guessing game as to what he means

No, it isn’t. He’s not being reasonable at all, he’s being incredibly selfish. You have real problems and he’s whining about his needs.

@NeedyHikeris it possible for him to work locally to support you and child for awhile? Money abroad is great but not worth it if no marriage to return to

This is exactly how I’d reply “I know it’s shit I hate it too but I just can’t do anymore. It won’t be forever and I really love you.”

He isn’t feeling you are listening to him whe you respond to his (valid) issues with your own struggles. Both his and your struggles have equal weigh.
Don’t tell him to leave unless that’s really what you want. And based on the amount of support you have described as needing if he leaves your life is only going to get harder.
Instead tell him you love him (if you do) and try to come up with a plan together.
Do you get a cleaner?
Do standards around the house need to temporary reduce?
Can the children help out a bit more (unwell DC excepted of course)
Do you thank him for all he does and try to receprocate in small ways back? Eg cook a favorite meal, give him a cuddle, hold hands etc.

I agree with the PP about (calmly, if possible) explaining that you know he's been picking up a lot of slack lately, but if he understands in turn the pressure you've been under. At least parts of this current rough patch are temporary situations, and yes, it's part of marriage. When one of you is weak, tired, or ill, the other one shoulders more of the responsibilities.

Although the issue is between you and your husband, but I'd also look at what the kids can do to help around the house. They're old enough to spend a few minutes here and there pitching in with smaller jobs like tidying after themselves and helping with meal prep, if that would lighten the burden on your husband (and you).

try not to get too worked up - easier said than done I know - but sleep on things and see if you can have a chat tomorrow

try and just validate his feelings and say you also miss intimacy and being more of a partnership - but those times will return !

this is just a rough patch and all marriages have those

so sorry you are feeling so low

Ok you sound exhausted and there is a lot going on. I wonder if he feels like you were playing misery top trumps where you were explaining your position. Did you acknowledge his feelings? You don't have to fix it right now, but do you want to? That's what he needs to hear.

Is there any way to ease the burden on both of you? How much do your DC help? Can they do dinner one night a week? Is there any time over Christmas to put some new systems in place? I've just discovered the batch lady which Id recommend if you have a decent freezer. Is a cleaner a possibility?

What is the current situation with both your dad and DC?

It doesn’t sound irreparable necessarily but you most sound like you feel misunderstood and not heard. Can you ask to chat to him tomorrow when your head is clearer? Explain to him the pressures you’re under. Do you think he would consider marriage therapy?

Take yourself to bed. Write it down in a text and send to him if you feel you can’t communicate clearly f2f. Discuss tomorrow when you’ve slept and not so upset.

he can choose to act how he wants, you’ll choose whether to accept it or not. Big hugs xx