Rough idea what would be fair in divorce.

Get legal advice. You can certainly take more equity and leave pensions alone. But that doesn’t affect maintenance, he would still need to pay that.

@angela1952 I suggested teaching as op is a TA in a school already. That suggests she likes dc. No, it’s not for everyone but she would get decent holidays unlike her ex I suspect and it does provide a decent pension.

Lol, tell me you don’t understand the value of childcare without telling me!
Because…
Their children are too young to look after themselves. So, how it works is someone needs to look after them. That role is unpaid, but valuable. To accommodate this both parents contribute, often one looks after them and the other earns an income which is shared. Sometimes, the couple can decide to both have an income and pay someone else to look after the children. This particular couple haven’t chosen that, for their own reasons, probably that with the ops salary being low, there isn’t a great financial difference after paying childcare, and probably because they have decided they would like to bring up their own children. It’s fairly common, and both options are fine. This looks set to continue after the split. Ergo, maintenance is due to account for both the extra costs with looking after the children more (they eat food etc) and also because whilst one party is looking after said children, they can’t be earning anything. If they do earn anything, they need to start paying a pension which they currently have nothing in. Does that help you understand, I tried to write it simply?

Don’t underestimate the pensions.,., we know a couple who divorced, she got the house outright, and he kept most of his pension, Most! So his pension had a higher value than the house!

I agree that sounds great in theory and it is a good long term career but we all know from Mumsnet threads that teaching doesn't suit everybody and it can be a very stressful job.

Also, although the hours are in theory school hours, it does involve marking and preparing outside teaching hours, also parents' evenings and inset days etc.

I'm not sure what her PT job is at the moment but she did say that she'd been offered more hours. Of course she may not like her job, and it may with a job without prospects.

Definitely sounds ok for you 🙄 How come you get to buy a house outright/work part time/have maintenance on top, all
whilst he has to be content with 1/3 of the assets and a mortgage? It doesn’t seem
very fair to me.

@angela1952 I agree it’s not ok to be part time forever but op could become a teacher and that’s definitely full
time and she would earn double. It’s a better long term career.

Once your children are older I think it is fair to assume that they would expect you to get a better paying job. It isn't reasonable to work PT in a job that suits school hours forever.

Assets in trust are usually well tied up. Many responsible trustees wouldn't release funds if they would be going to somebody other than a named beneficiary and they can simply not agree to it. In many cases they don't have to pay out, or even if they do have to pay out income they can simply switch to capital growth rather than income investments.

This situation is very normal and a decent divorce solicitor will have seen this scenario multiple times before. The main thing is ensuring that the children are cared for with time and money. In most cases the person earning the least will need to earn more. However the op and dh are not rich. Careful consideration is needed so both parents see dc and no one is forced to move far away. Many working men don’t want 50:50. They prioritise their jobs and cannot get childcare for 7-7 every day. He’s not wealthy enough for a nanny or private school with long hours so how dc are cared for is the most important thing. However I would advise op to get a better job - train to be a teacher?

Firstly best of luck op, keeping it amicable is usually the best option financially because the solicitors don’t get the money!

Starting point as others have said is 50/50 of all assets, equity, savings and pensions. We put them into a spread sheet and went from there, I had 58% in the end. I own my house outright which is so helpful if you aren’t on a high income and gives you protection if his income falls. Pension can be traded against equity but if he has big pensions they can be split

child maintenance is completely separate so I would not bring that into discussions at the earlier stages except to agree to use the calculator online.

Just get legal advice - this is your kids future as well and I suspect your thought process is driven by a sense of guilt as your husband wants to continue in this relationship. It’s not about greed or being difficult but about being fair. He is able to have his career and work all of the hours he does because you are the “backbone” of the family enabling this to happen

Financial mediation is a must as legal backwards and forwards does definitely cause stress between parties

You are parents first and foremost so try and keep amicable but also do not settle for anything less than what is fair.

good luck! It’s all so difficult but what you are doing is brave and everyone deserves happiness on their lives - including your husband. Whilst settling at the moment may suit him - I suspect in time that would have changed

Just get leg

Get legal advice before your thoughts run away. It’s possible his family might encourage him to work more sociable hours to have the children too.

we have a friend who did the math before separating thinking she would be entitled to an existing trust fund pool. Several months on she is no further to closure and looking like the trust won’t be broken open as it was started before they met. Both have since engaged lawyers, she assumed he would sign her property settlement agreement form.

The hinge is the pension, they do a calculation and the figure could be used for you to keep the house with a mortgage and maintenance. The assets split is as close to 50% as they can get. If your young go for the house and build your own pension.
There is no guarantee how the split might happen but they seem to like a nice clean deal that ends at divorce and then maintenance going forward, lets hope his income continues.

No, he doesn’t have to do it himself.
however there are way to many women who have posted on this board over the years that they do pickups and drop offs on their ex’s days while having a 50:50 split. Taking the financial hit on earnings while letting him get away with paying no maintenance.

Don't take maintenance into account as it could disappear or he could want 50:50 (quickly finding someone else to 'help' with the kids)
You need to know his pensions, savings and any other assets. Add that to your pension and house equity and then divide by 2. If its around 2/3 of the equity of the house then push for that with offer to leave his pension alone.

He doesn’t have to pick up from school, I know two men that have 50/50 custody…. One of them gets his new girlfriend to pick the child up. The other one gets his mum to do it and both their career remains unaffected.
I Know both the ex wives, both were absolutely gobsmacked when the men asked for 50/50… and both were heartbroken to lose their children half the time.

You need to speak to a solicitor and get advice. If you are the primary carer, the priority will be finding suitable housing so research the kind of property you would look for - assuming 2 or 3 bed. You will get maintenance for the children until they are finished in education or turn 18. Please do not overlook the pension - that would be factored into any settlement (yours and his). I think 50:50 is a starting point but clearly there is a huge difference in income which has to be taken into account.

Don't underestimate the legal bill but do try and avoid Court. That would run into tens of thousands. Good luck X

Not a brag post but 30 years I started working for a pension company at what was prob not more than what's minimum wage now and they sort of made us sign up to a pension the very first day

20 years later I left and it had changed from DB to DC but is worth £500k. Self employed and not as generous contributions now my pension savings haven’t increased much since then

do not rule out his pension for you and your children

You need to take his pension into account. If you don’t even know how much it is, it’s possible that even with 2/3s of house equity you would be walking away with less than half the assets. In your situation I would expect you to revive 60-65 percent of all assets.

go and see a solicitor and see what info you can get on his pensions before going any further

maintenance is entirely separate. Don’t even think about this now.

It isn’t a race to the bottom. If the ‘family’ has a £90k earner in it, then as two parents they can afford the enormous benefit to the children of one parent only working part time so that they can be there at pick up, to do extra curricular, to help with homework.

Not been in this situation myself (not married), but if I were you I would get some good legal advice

Are you asking for so much so you don't have to work? I think 2 thirds of house plus maintenance is a lot,but only because mine paid nothing! The idea that a 3 bed semi is basic shows you are used to priviledge and want that but not the one who pays for it.
For many folk a roof over their heads in a council flat has to be home. Count your blessings but see a solicitor.

Just find a good lawyer, there's no substitute for this and you need someone who is a divorce specialist not just any local lawyer.