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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it’s inappropriate?

209 replies

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:21

DSD lives with her mum and family a few hours away from us. She turns 17 at the beginning of January and has a boyfriend who is 18, they have been dating for a few months, I’ve not met him but DH has met him once, says he’s a nice lad.

We are going to visit DSD over Xmas, DH wants her to come back home with us for a while. We live in a quiet rural location, not in walking distance to any shops and everything closes on public holidays, most cafes etc close between Xmas and NY too. DSD is usually (understandably for teens) bored in this location and doesn’t enjoy staying here preferring us to visit her where there is lots going on. Knowing she doesn’t like it here, DH has told DSD that her boyfriend can come to stay too - no conversation or discussion with me prior to this. We have spoken previously about having DC partners to stay over and we were in agreement that it’s not something we would allow until DC are over 18. We didn’t allow my DD’s boyfriend to stay until she was over 18 and we knew him well. It doesn’t sit comfortably at all with me and this is now complete double standards if DSD’s boyfriend is allowed to stay with her almost 17!

I do not know this boy, I am sure he’s a decent person but he is a stranger to me, and I am not comfortable with having a complete stranger sleeping in my house and having to entertain them in a rural location where everything is closed! I am not comfortable with having DSD and boyfriend sharing a bed due to her age. (I am fully aware that she is over the age of consent and they will be having sex regardless of this situation). But, I don’t want it under our roof.

I am annoyed that DH has told her she can have the boyfriend over to stay and I feel it’s hypocritical given we didn’t allow the same situation for my DD until she was over 18. I am even more annoyed that he didn’t discuss
it with me first and is now huffy and moody as I have told him it is absolutely not happening and he needs to tell DSD. Am I in the wrong not to allow something that makes me feel uncomfortable?

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/12/2025 14:48

I think YABU, and he’s doing the right thing encouraging his DD to spend time with him. He doesn’t live with her so it doesn’t really make sense to dictate to her what age she can have a boyfriend sleepover from. He should have ran it by you first but it’s done now and you would be unreasonable to cancel it. I don’t think it’s really worth comparing to your DD, she lived with you, isn’t his child and is older now anyway so I doubt she will care that someone else’s DD has different rules to her due to logistical reasons.

IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 14:47

Is it him sleeping with your dsd (in the same room) that you object to or is it the fact he is a total stranger? What’s she like? As in would you assume that she would pick a decent ish bloke?

Being honest - first time my ds brought his gf home for the night was the first time I met her (him 19 and her 18 if that matters) it was kind of a circumstances dictated it due to covid and them being sent home from uni and her not being able to go to her family home (this was in the early days when everyone was in panic mode)
I wasn’t overjoyed but also I laid out my expectations and trusted that my ds has a good judge of character and that she would be respectful. They ended up living with me for 5 years 🙈 and have just bought their 1st house together.

Having said that, I have 3 younger dc and just because circumstances dictated my ds having his gf staying over/moving in doesn’t mean that will be the same for my other dc.

Has your dh said why he didn’t think he needed to discuss it with you first?

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/12/2025 14:47

I don’t think having different rules for different children is fair.

You made a rule, you stick to it.

JamieCannister · 19/12/2025 14:46

mondaytosunday · 19/12/2025 14:29

he can’t have one rule for one kid and not the other. I guess he just wants to spend time with her (though how much with boyfriend around)?

I am tempted to say there is one exception... if you have two kids, and the eldest is a boy, and the youngest is a girl, and you set a strict rule for the boy (in order to ensure you can lay down the same rule for the girl), but when the girl gets older she is very responsible, and the son's moved out, and you go a bit easier on the girl!

Freeme31 · 19/12/2025 14:43

Id be glad the boyfriend was there they can keep each other company. Pick your battles with teenagers (this probably won’t last fue to age) but your relationship with her will be forever so let it be a good one, this is not the hill to die on. Teenage boys can actually be nice - if you only have a daughter it might be nice to meet him.

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:39

IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 14:34

I disagree slightly. Obviously your house your rules but rules can be adapted / changed the further along in parenting we go. If your dh is trying to get his dd to spend time in his (both of yours) home then I can understand why he is wanting to invite the bf too. He absolutely should have discussed it with you first.

I understand DH wanting to spend time with DSD, but the boyfriend is a complete stranger. Had we have gotten to know him well and met him multiple times then I might feel better, but I haven’t even seen a picture of him!

OP posts:
IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 14:34

I disagree slightly. Obviously your house your rules but rules can be adapted / changed the further along in parenting we go. If your dh is trying to get his dd to spend time in his (both of yours) home then I can understand why he is wanting to invite the bf too. He absolutely should have discussed it with you first.

YankSplaining · 19/12/2025 14:29

You’re not being unreasonable. The agreed-upon rule was that no one got a partner sleeping over until they were 18, and if your daughter had to live by that rule, your stepdaughter should as well. It was also inconsiderate of your husband to invite the boyfriend without your input.

My husband and I have been together since I was 16 and he was about a month away from turning 18. Personally, neither of us would have ever asked to have the other sleep over, because we understood that parents would rather not be anywhere near their teenage children’s sex lives.

mondaytosunday · 19/12/2025 14:29

he can’t have one rule for one kid and not the other. I guess he just wants to spend time with her (though how much with boyfriend around)?

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