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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it’s inappropriate?

209 replies

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:21

DSD lives with her mum and family a few hours away from us. She turns 17 at the beginning of January and has a boyfriend who is 18, they have been dating for a few months, I’ve not met him but DH has met him once, says he’s a nice lad.

We are going to visit DSD over Xmas, DH wants her to come back home with us for a while. We live in a quiet rural location, not in walking distance to any shops and everything closes on public holidays, most cafes etc close between Xmas and NY too. DSD is usually (understandably for teens) bored in this location and doesn’t enjoy staying here preferring us to visit her where there is lots going on. Knowing she doesn’t like it here, DH has told DSD that her boyfriend can come to stay too - no conversation or discussion with me prior to this. We have spoken previously about having DC partners to stay over and we were in agreement that it’s not something we would allow until DC are over 18. We didn’t allow my DD’s boyfriend to stay until she was over 18 and we knew him well. It doesn’t sit comfortably at all with me and this is now complete double standards if DSD’s boyfriend is allowed to stay with her almost 17!

I do not know this boy, I am sure he’s a decent person but he is a stranger to me, and I am not comfortable with having a complete stranger sleeping in my house and having to entertain them in a rural location where everything is closed! I am not comfortable with having DSD and boyfriend sharing a bed due to her age. (I am fully aware that she is over the age of consent and they will be having sex regardless of this situation). But, I don’t want it under our roof.

I am annoyed that DH has told her she can have the boyfriend over to stay and I feel it’s hypocritical given we didn’t allow the same situation for my DD until she was over 18. I am even more annoyed that he didn’t discuss
it with me first and is now huffy and moody as I have told him it is absolutely not happening and he needs to tell DSD. Am I in the wrong not to allow something that makes me feel uncomfortable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:08

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:05

What her mum allows in their house is completely up to them, but what happens in our house is up to us…a joint decision

Your choice of words is inappropriate. What you 'allow'? It isn't up to you to 'allow' or 'disallow'. You are not her parent.

No, I’m not her mum. I am her step mum though and I have a right to have an opinion and feelings and rules about what happens in our house - I should have been consulted before the conversation even took place, I’m not just a passing thought here.

OP posts:
User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:05

What her mum allows in their house is completely up to them, but what happens in our house is up to us…a joint decision

Your choice of words is inappropriate. What you 'allow'? It isn't up to you to 'allow' or 'disallow'. You are not her parent.

pinkspeakers · 19/12/2025 15:04

I agree he should have discussed it with you before making promises. But I also think you should be a bit flexible here. She is close to your official "cut off" and the circumstances are different in that she probably doesn't know anyone locally and would understandably be quite lonely/bored without some company. I imagine it is important to your DP to have her stay.

Is there a way to arrange things so that they don't officially share a bed? I know it's a bit for show, but it might make you feel more comfortable.

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:04

Thundertoast · 19/12/2025 15:00

I would suggest updating your OP with this as I feel like its extremely relevant detail!!

Show quote history

It doesn’t allow me to edit the original post 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:02

5128gap · 19/12/2025 15:00

I think you have a right to have a say in who stays in your home. I think you have no right to dictate whether DSD is allowed to sleepover with her BF, as this is a decision for her parents. I also think coming at it from a double standards perspective is flawed. Because it isn't. You made a rule for your DD. Your DSD parents are making a different rule for theirs. You can't insist they impose restrictions on their DD just so they align with the ones you chose for yours.
So, your only argument is not wanting the BF in your home. Given its also DHs home, you probably need good reasons to refuse. I think with house rules about privacy in place and an understanding you won't be providing entertainment, its difficult to see what these could be though.

What her mum allows in their house is completely up to them, but what happens in our house is up to us…a joint decision

OP posts:
ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 19/12/2025 15:00

How long are they coming for? If it’s only a day or two could she bring him and them sleep in separate rooms, or at least twin beds or a put-you-up, or even on the sofa?

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:00

She isn't your child though I agree it isn't a great example when there are younger children. IMO seventeen is too young anyway but if her mother allows it, then its hard to say no because she isn't your child. She doesn't stay often and is in effect a visitor rather than a close family member.

I think you may find your DSD may resent you which probably doesn't worry you sadly but your DH may end up resenting you not encouraging and welcoming your DSD especially when it doesn't happen all the time.

Thundertoast · 19/12/2025 15:00

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:53

Her last boyfriend turned out to be a convicted sex offender - so that doesn’t fill me with confidence about her choices!

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I would suggest updating your OP with this as I feel like its extremely relevant detail!!

5128gap · 19/12/2025 15:00

I think you have a right to have a say in who stays in your home. I think you have no right to dictate whether DSD is allowed to sleepover with her BF, as this is a decision for her parents. I also think coming at it from a double standards perspective is flawed. Because it isn't. You made a rule for your DD. Your DSD parents are making a different rule for theirs. You can't insist they impose restrictions on their DD just so they align with the ones you chose for yours.
So, your only argument is not wanting the BF in your home. Given its also DHs home, you probably need good reasons to refuse. I think with house rules about privacy in place and an understanding you won't be providing entertainment, its difficult to see what these could be though.

TheatricalLife · 19/12/2025 15:00

I'd have a problem with the double standard the most -you are just asking for a family argument if you suddenly change the boundaries for one child.

Eyeshadow · 19/12/2025 14:59

YANBU

The person who does not want someone in their home trumps the person that does (unless it’s their kids).

He doesn’t get to invite extra people without asking you first.

Surely DD is there to spend time with her dad who she doesn’t get to see that often.
I would have thought DH would hate that he won’t get to spend any 1-1 time with her.

LemaxObsessive · 19/12/2025 14:59

I’ve selected YABU but only for the age thing as sex is legal at 16. However, YADNBU for having issue with the double standard. If you upheld a rule with one kid then it needs to be upheld with the other.
How about a compromise and he has to sleep on sofa/in spare room and her bedroom door must stay open during the day

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:59

IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 14:55

That would be a hell no from me then. You need to meet him before he stays over. Can he not drive so he could come for a family meal? How long have they been together?

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2.5months! We visit DSD often, so we could have the opportunity to get to know him.

I feel she is too young for this situation to be happening and it feels far too soon and rushed, I don’t understand why DH has changed his mind on our rules after being so adamant with my older DD!

OP posts:
Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:57

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 14:56

Is your issue having him stay or is your issue having them share a bed?

having them share a bed and the fact I wasn’t consulted at all prior to the conversation taking place

OP posts:
User5306921 · 19/12/2025 14:56

Is your issue having him stay or is your issue having them share a bed?

IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 14:55

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:53

Her last boyfriend turned out to be a convicted sex offender - so that doesn’t fill me with confidence about her choices!

Show quote history

That would be a hell no from me then. You need to meet him before he stays over. Can he not drive so he could come for a family meal? How long have they been together?

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 19/12/2025 14:54

Suggest he has a put up bed not in her room as a compromise... Dh can sleep on the landing!!
Seriously your dd has right to be miffed if one rule for her and one for dsd....

Nicknacky · 19/12/2025 14:53

So just have them sleep separately. Won’t stop them having sex if they really want to but at least you have made your feelings clear.

i don’t think you can compare with your kids, they live with you. His daughter hardly visits by the sounds of it and having chosen to live so rurally I think you need ti make allowances.

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:53

IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 14:47

Is it him sleeping with your dsd (in the same room) that you object to or is it the fact he is a total stranger? What’s she like? As in would you assume that she would pick a decent ish bloke?

Being honest - first time my ds brought his gf home for the night was the first time I met her (him 19 and her 18 if that matters) it was kind of a circumstances dictated it due to covid and them being sent home from uni and her not being able to go to her family home (this was in the early days when everyone was in panic mode)
I wasn’t overjoyed but also I laid out my expectations and trusted that my ds has a good judge of character and that she would be respectful. They ended up living with me for 5 years 🙈 and have just bought their 1st house together.

Having said that, I have 3 younger dc and just because circumstances dictated my ds having his gf staying over/moving in doesn’t mean that will be the same for my other dc.

Has your dh said why he didn’t think he needed to discuss it with you first?

Her last boyfriend turned out to be a convicted sex offender - so that doesn’t fill me with confidence about her choices!

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 19/12/2025 14:51

Personally, I'd be flexible on this. I don't think I'd make this my hill to die on. It's not only your house, is it? It's your DH's house as well and I think he should be able to decide what is/isn't OK for his own daughter, just as you were able to decide about yours. It's completely understandable that he wants to make it easier for his daughter to spend time at your place without being bored witless, and although you haven't met the boyfriend, he has and finds him likeable enough.

As DSD isn't your daughter, I don't think it's really relevant whether you are comfortable with her having sex. It's not your place to decide whether that's OK or not.

IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 14:51

Sorry- just seen she is only 16. Rightly or wrongly that makes me feel differently despite what I posted above. Not sure what I think now. You know your dsd and how she is maturity wise. At 16 though she shouldn’t be thinking of asking to share a room at your house with a boyfriend. You can offer it but she shouldn’t expect it. And if you want then to sleep separately they should respect that.

BackToLurk · 19/12/2025 14:51

Do you have space for them to sleep in separate rooms?

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:50

ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/12/2025 14:48

I think YABU, and he’s doing the right thing encouraging his DD to spend time with him. He doesn’t live with her so it doesn’t really make sense to dictate to her what age she can have a boyfriend sleepover from. He should have ran it by you first but it’s done now and you would be unreasonable to cancel it. I don’t think it’s really worth comparing to your DD, she lived with you, isn’t his child and is older now anyway so I doubt she will care that someone else’s DD has different rules to her due to logistical reasons.

I have younger daughter too, so if DSD is allowed her boyfriend to stay at 16/17 then my DC would expect the same - and it’s just a firm no from me until they are 18.

OP posts:
Happyjoe · 19/12/2025 14:49

I agree that it seems unfair, but I presume because of the remote location you are at then the rules should be bent somewhat. Hubby wants to spend time with his daughter over the festive time, you should really allow this.

It's not the BF staying because of the rules that would get me, it's that you don't know him at all, sharing a house with a stranger is always difficult. Hopefully it will all go well and he is indeed a nice lad.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/12/2025 14:48

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/12/2025 14:47

I don’t think having different rules for different children is fair.

You made a rule, you stick to it.

But the children have different parents, and don’t live together, the situations aren’t that comparable. They also aren’t children.